Darkness by Brandon Matthis - Short, Horror - A young mother discovers why her daughter is terrified of the dark. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Scott

Took a quick read of this and despite the familiar premise I thought you did  good job here.

Writing is clear and flows well, dialogue isn't over written and feels real.

Twist was a little different too (at least I've not seen it).

I think it builds well and the visuals would work effectively, especiallu the denoument.

Anthony

Scott,

Good job with the flow. Easy to film. Lose the (cont'd) in the dialogs - it slows down the read a bit.

-gl with the script

Tony

Thanks, guys! :) I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Tony,  thanks for pointing that out. :) I didn't even notice it. I'll get those taken out.

Scott

“AN OPEN WINDOW.
Kara furrows her brow, peers out.
BEHIND HER. The door closes. Kara turns just as –
THE WINDOW SLAMS SHUT. Narrowly misses her fingers. Kara
jumps, startled.”

- Good action, well written sequence of quick events.

I’m curious as to why Kara hasn’t asked Tessa about the clang of something metal hitting the floor. It’s the reason why she has come back into the room after all so thought it would be the first thing she’d ask. A couple of lines would fix it anyway, easily done.

“Tessa looks back towards the closet door. She watches as –
The door creaks as it closes.”

- I thought Tessa would’ve demanded her door be kept open after what’s happened. I know she has the light on now but still. No big deal anyway.

“Kara sits on the edge of the bed, wipes the sleep from her eyes.”

- This suggests she has just woken up but it feels like she is going to bed presuming it follows directly from the scene before. Is it implied that the “TAP” of the street light wakes her? On that note, it wouldn’t do any harm to include MOMENTS LATER or CONTINUOUS or LATER , etc in the your sluglines for clarity.

Effective use of sound with the TAP TAP sound of the flickering street light though, good tension.

“SOMEONE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY!”

- I know it’s in capitals with an exclamation mark but it’s totally non-descript. Is the room in darkness? It’s not specified but I imagine it is but even so she could discern this “Someone’s” general size. We’re given nothing. Maybe include “an outline or silhouette of…” in that phrase so we get a clearer visual grasp.

The doppelganger reveal is a creepy touch. I can’t help thinking of that scene in T2 with the guard. Is it an overused concept though particularly with “The Double” from earlier in the year? Hey, maybe it’s trending, could be the start of a craze a la sexual abstinent teenage vampires ;)

“Tessa curls up, losing.”

- I’m thinking you’re missing something here in the prose.

“CRRREEEAAAKKK....It’s unnerving.”

- That made me chuckle. To your credit, you aural writing is strong.

Ha, cool ending, I was expecting the doppelganger of Kara to re-enter and act normal. As if “I’m your mommy now, deal with it” but this works better, suitably chilling.

So many questions like “why” and “how” but I get that’s not the point here. However, I do wonder did the tapping streetlight have anything to do with these doppelgangers? Also, the presence in the closet that Tessa mentions and its door banging like crazy in the final scenes, was this significant? Did they come from the closet?

Anyway, this would work well as an easily produced short, a quick scare. Good job.

Col.

Hi Scott,

Cool short. Seemed really familar at the beginning and I wasn't expecting to like this but I did.

Nice build up of tension, the aciton flowed smoothly and I warmed to the characters.

The ending is creepy as fuck and warped my normal innocent mind. So well done!

Mark

Thank you both for the review. :) Glad you enjoyed it. Col, I'm going to take a look at the issues you pointed out and see about fixing them.

It's been awhile since I originally posted this script, but I updated it a little, taking the advice I was given the first time.