The Mind Reader by David Hershwitzky - Horror - A serial killer who can read minds is terrorizing Las Vegas. Emma, a trouble young girl is receiving visits from the ghosts of his victims. She seeks solace with a group of young teenage psychics. For differing reasons, they decide to find the mind reader themselves. The only trouble is, it's hard to stay a step ahead of someone who can read your mind. 134 pages - pdf, format 8)

David,

Logline could do with some work. But so could most of mine.

These are all beginner type mistakes and easily rectified...

Title page needs a title. And your name. It's probably that thing with Final Draft that catches people out.

Don't put a cast list and synopsis at the start of your story. You can lose everything you have before you have FADE IN: Start there.

I was gonna say keep your paragraphs a maximum of four lines. I still am, but there's something weird going on with the lengths of the lines in that one too. Happily it seems to have been righted after this.  

Thankfully, and pleasantly surprisingly, the writing itself isn't too bad. I read a few pages.

Let us know you are around by posting here and I'll comment further on the script. If you're not reading this there seems little point in doing so.

R

It's not a novel you could cut down at least 20 pages.

For example.

"Huge room with California king bed and beautiful antique dressers and colorful carpet. It is adjacent to Master Bathroom which is also huge with hot tub and glass shower. It is pitch dark as Vicki enters."  

Just say VICKI enters bedroom. It's pitch dark. That's it.  We don't care about details we assume if it's bedroom then bed will be there somewhere. You rather move the story.  I checked out at page 10.  

Thank you rendezvous for your feedback thus far. Sorry it took a while to reply. I was unable to create an account until today.

Thank you It's for your feedback. I have always been an elaborate writer. I like to fully immerse the reader into the story. I am only recently learning that this method should not be applied to screenplays. I'm sorry my descriptive nature turned you away from the story. I am actually in the process of writing a novel right now. After receiving more feedback for the Mind Reader I do intend to make the proper adjustments to make the screenplay as technically sound as possible.

*ints. (it's)

Damn auto correct lol

Hi David:

Going to get in on the action lines discussion.

Quoted from INTS For example. "Huge room with California king bed and beautiful antique dressers and colorful carpet. It is adjacent to Master Bathroom which is also huge with hot tub and glass shower. It is pitch dark as Vicki enters."   Just say VICKI enters bedroom. It's pitch dark. That's it.  We don't care about details we assume if it's bedroom then bed will be there somewhere. You rather move the story.

I very much disagree. There's nothing wrong with scene descriptions as long as they are relevant to the story. The part you brought out, INST, contributes to telling us a little about Vicki and her family. Who they are, how they live. She was already referenced as a spoilt party girl, now we see that she's a spoilt party girl in a rich family.

However, David, the trick with action lines is to be as concise as possible. Say as much as you can with as little words as possible.

VICKI is a spoiled party girl that comes and goes when she
pleases. She is coming home from a party. She is drunk and
slightly off balance. She quietly enters and slowly shuts
door. She has a goofy smile on her face and hickey on her
neck. She rests her head against door quietly giggling.

to:

VICKI (A spoiled party girl, she comes and goes where she pleases) quietly walks through the front door in an inebriated state, slightly off balance. With a goofy smile on and a hickey on her neck she slowly shuts the door, rests her head against it giggling.

I don't really plan to read this at the moment, but a few other pointers:

Format your slug lines correctly. If you don't space them correctly it gives the reader a bad first impression.

INT.- EMMA’S BEDROOM- NIGHT´

should be

INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Give your characters an age. This is necessary.

TIM (O.S) is correct, but the one without a space TIM(O.S) and TIM(O.S.) pop up often and the script darks back and forth between them. Keep continuity on these things.

Don't overdo the parentheticals.

VICKI
(frantic)
What!? I didn’t write that! I swear
on everything I didn’t! Tim I swear-

VICKI
(pissed off)
I’m gonna kill that fucker! He
probably came in while I was passed
out and put that shit on there.

Here and there it's already obvious enough what kind of emotion the dialogue conveys. Use them sparingly.

Work on these things and making your action lines concise. After that submit a new draft and I'm sure the script will get a nicer welcome.

The character introductions before FADE IN is something I wouldn't recommend when you post scripts here. That's more for notes for yourself and for when/if the script gets purchased. The main thing you want to see is how your characters are perceived and your story understood from just the screenplay, not other external notes thrown on there.

Good luck with screenwriting, David.

- DS

Thank you very much for your insight ds741 :)

Quoted from DavidHershwitzky Thank you rendezvous for your feedback thus far. Sorry it took a while to reply. I was unable to create an account until today.

That's alright, David.

Glad to see you got a few a few reads out of it. DS741 makes some good points about describing scenes. Brevity is something to be desired in script writing.

The rules to spec script writing are fairly easy to learn, but hard to master. The more you do it, the easier it gets. I was talking about script writing back there, not something else.

I'd say you can have some elaborate writing in a screenplay, but it's not really the best place for it. That would be a novel.

It's hard enough to get interest and taken serious with a spec script. Elaborate writing will make it easy for them to dismiss you, if they so desire. I'd err on the side of caution and not give them a chance.

I'll have another proper look at this when I get time. If I fail to do it within the next week, PM me a reminder.

R

Thanks rendevouz. I am working on a novel at the moment ironically enough lol. When that's complete I will take everyone's feedback into consideration and make the proper adjustments. Thanks again.