Love Can Wait by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Comedy - Eric is tormented by the suspicion that love can indeed wait. - pdf, format 8)

Hi Monolis

Gave this a quick read, and enjoyed it... short but effective with a neat twist that I saw coming bit was still satisfying.

The only bit I didn't think worked was the line
'She tenderly puts her hand on his chest.' that reads a little pervy/wrong once you get the ending.

Good job though.

Anthony

Hi Manolis,

Nice little short. Made me think it was going down one path but it went in another. The only thing that confused me is it wasn't obvious from the script what happened to Eric. Did he fall down the hill or something?

Enjoyed it though.

Mark

Another whimsical 'short' by you Manolis.

A couple of suggestions:

Why didn't she follow him to Johannesburg for his job? and:
Afraid of flying? might work better than 'planes'

And then obviously grandma will reply '... it's not like I had to fly here.'

I enjoyed it, as I do with most of your clever shorts, although as Mark said a little more clarity with the visual description of Eric's gymnastic-like fall is needed.

Good job. Enjoyable. :)

- Hi Anthony, glad you liked it! I thought, if the old lady touched Eric tenderly (not too tenderly) on the chest, that would add to his confusion. And, of course, it would help him notice the ring on her hand. But she could simply caress his hair, I guess. Thank you for the read!

- Hi Mark, thank you too! Yes, he fell down the hill – I'll try to make it clearer.  Glad you enjoyed the story.

- Hi Libby! I've already used your suggestions - thanks for the help! Hope you and the other good people here don't get sick of my "whimsical shorts". ;) Thanks for your kind words!

Manolis

ERIC
Well, why hadn’t she followed him
to Johannesburg for his job?

- This screams exposition, like Eric is telling us, the reader. I would cut the line after “him” as the specific details of location and reason are not important to the story.

JULIE
Agnail!

- Maybe it’s just me but I had to look this up, never heard the term before.

“He smiles at Julie as he comes down.

She looks at him in terror.

END OF SLOW MOTION

Julie looks down from the hill.”
     
- This could be a little clearer. I presume he fell back down the hill but it’s hard to discern what actually happens from the way it’s written. In the first line he is coming down from his baseball player-esque jump smiling, triumphant, but Julie can obviously see he’s gonna tumble. Then after the slow motion she is looking down the hill and doesn’t seem to even see him as her shouts have questions marks. So I have to wonder how come Eric was so oblivious to his unsure footing and how steep is this hill? Were they sitting on the edge of a big drop or what? It’s all rather confusing.

I’ve mixed feelings about the hospital scene. I liked how you let us believe for a moment that Eric has been in a coma for decades and this Old Woman is in fact Julie whose waited for him all this time as per their conversation in the first scene…then you pull the rug from under us,  Julie enters, all is well. And that’s ok, it was effective, you had me fooled.

The punch line at the end felt a little forced though. I’m questioning why Eric didn’t recognize Julie’s Grandma. They seem to be a serious couple and Julie is close to her Grandma so I’d imagine she would’ve introduced Eric to her before now. Grandma only lives “on the other side of town” after all. Plus, why was grandma wearing the ring? Is it because it didn’t fit Julie’s finger? If so, then you have to ask why she had it in the first place on top of the hill.

Anyway, maybe I’m being too pedantic here. This has the makings of a decent sketch. However, I would seriously consider rewriting Eric’s accident. There are a million ways you can have him injure himself, funnier ways too and still keep the essence of the piece.

Col.

Hi Col, thanks for the read and the comments!

Quoted from Colkurtz8 ERIC Well, why hadn’t she followed him to Johannesburg for his job? - This screams exposition, like Eric is telling us, the reader. I would cut the line after “him” as the specific details of location and reason are not important to the story.

I think I'm going to take half your suggestion (leave out the part about the job).

Quoted from Colkurtz8 JULIE Agnail! - Maybe it’s just me but I had to look this up, never heard the term before.

You're right. I've already corrected it.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 “He smiles at Julie as he comes down. She looks at him in terror. END OF SLOW MOTION Julie looks down from the hill.”       - This could be a little clearer. I presume he fell back down the hill but it’s hard to discern what actually happens from the way it’s written. In the first line he is coming down from his baseball player-esque jump smiling, triumphant, but Julie can obviously see he’s gonna tumble. Then after the slow motion she is looking down the hill and doesn’t seem to even see him as her shouts have questions marks. So I have to wonder how come Eric was so oblivious to his unsure footing and how steep is this hill? Were they sitting on the edge of a big drop or what? It’s all rather confusing.

Others found this part confusing too.  I'll try to write it better and also give a little description of the hill in the beginning (apparently, it is a somewhat steep hill).

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I’ve mixed feelings about the hospital scene. I liked how you let us believe for a moment that Eric has been in a coma for decades and this Old Woman is in fact Julie whose waited for him all this time as per their conversation in the first scene…then you pull the rug from under us,  Julie enters, all is well. And that’s ok, it was effective, you had me fooled. The punch line at the end felt a little forced though. I’m questioning why Eric didn’t recognize Julie’s Grandma. They seem to be a serious couple and Julie is close to her Grandma so I’d imagine she would’ve introduced Eric to her before now. Grandma only lives “on the other side of town” after all. Plus, why was grandma wearing the ring? Is it because it didn’t fit Julie’s finger? If so, then you have to ask why she had it in the first place on top of the hill.

What I meant was that Julie borrowed the ring from her grandmother to tell Eric the romantic story behind it. As for the reason he and the old lady hadn't met before, well, I think it is plausible that a guy in his early 20's wouldn't have been introduced to his girlfriend's extended family.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Anyway, maybe I’m being too pedantic here. This has the makings of a decent sketch. However, I would seriously consider rewriting Eric’s accident. There are a million ways you can have him injure himself, funnier ways too and still keep the essence of the piece. Col.

The thing is, I needed a silly accident involving the ring. I'll think it over though and see if I can come up with a better idea.

Once again, thanks for the read and the detailed comments. Really appreciated!

Manolis

Quoted from Athenian What I meant was that Julie borrowed the ring from her grandmother to tell Eric the romantic story behind it. As for the reason he and the old lady hadn't met before, well, I think it is plausible that a guy in his early 20's wouldn't have been introduced to his girlfriend's extended family.

- I stand by my other comments but I see what you mean here in regards these two points.

Col.

Hey Athenian,

Great work!! This is very clever and extremely effective in my opinion. I really really love this.

What's with the last line though? Does it mean something? It weakens the script in my op. But smart script, congrats on it. It'll be snatched off your hands I'm sure.

Fun short.

Personally, I think you could've dragged out the suspense with the Gran longer. Not much, but to have her unwittingly convince Eric that he's been in hospital for years, and then end with Julie walking in, and end it there - no need for her to speak again. An actress would be able to do a lot with that reassuring glance to wake him up a 'second time'. Firstly from the accident, and then from the nightmare that engulfed him when he woke up to Julie '50 years later'. I personally think that would flow better.

- Hi Khamanna, thanks for the positive comment! The ending is kind of weak indeed - I'll try to fix it in the rewrite. Thanks again!

- Hi Andrew, thanks for the feedback! I agree that the suspense could last a little longer. I'm also going to consider your suggestion about Julie. Good thoughts!

Manolis

Thanks for the laugh! Very funny script.

My thoughts for your consideration...

1. As others here have stated, I had a little difficulty picturing exactly how the injury happened. Not that you have to block it out for the director, but the way it was written did cause me to stop and wonder.

2. I wasn't really clear on why the grandmother had the ring back. I knew that the ring was from the grandmother but Eric used it to "propose" to Julie. Even if it was a mock proposal, I questioned why the ring was back (other than to serve the story).

3. I feel that you could push the ending even more. You got yourself to a great setup; have a little more fun with it before the punchline. I'm imagining Eric accepting the situation and blathering on to grandma about his never ending love for her, caressing/kissing her hand, etc. Grandma eats it up and THEN Julie enters with WTH! Grandma? Eric? I'm sure you can come up with something better than my off-the-cuff suggestion here but you get the idea, push it just a little more before the payoff.

So, again, thanks so much for today's smile!  Good job!

Thanks for the read and the comments, Thomas! I'm going to describe Eric's accident in more detail and make clearer that Julie had just borrowed the ring from her grandmother and then returned it. As for your third suggestion, Eric needs to remain silent because his voice would made him realize that he is still young. But maybe the old lady could exacerbate the misunderstanding somehow.

Thanks again!

Manolis