When No One Remembers by Khamanna Iskandarova - Short, Comedy - The man celebrates his birthday with his secretary because she's the only one to remember he's turning fifty today.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I liked this. Great sketch. Brilliant twist.

Some extra thoughts:

I'm usually very anti-asides, but the ones here I didn't mind half as much. Maybe because it's a comedy, maybe because I thought they actually fit David's character. They seemed to work and not work as well without them.

P1: DAVID
Not like I haven�t seen you poop.

Huh. Kinky...? Unless it's there to establish some kind of strangeness on David's part, it gives the short a somewhat strange vibe. How would he know she's going for a poop anyway? She just said she needs the toilet. Perhaps something in the likes of "Not like I haven't seen your ass before" would be a better fit.

DAVID
Sara, honey! What? Leaving? No, I didn't
know. Take care of yourself. Bye.

The dialogue reads a little plain causing it to sound unrealistic to me. My suggestion would be something in the likes of:

"Sara, Honey! What? You're leaving tonight? No, I had no idea. Well, take care then. Bye."

MIRANDA (O.S.)
It�s my girl's night out. Remember?

girls*

P2: Who's Diane?

P5: Would he really say shit out loud when he's trying to hide something from the person in the room next to him?

I think that the comedic effect of the ending could be higher if it just had him sitting on the couch seductively with his shirt unbuttoned and pants off. There would be a lot more to benefit from the facial expressions. Right now he'd also have the room to make up some sort of an excuse as it's not 100% clear to the others what he was going at.

- DS

@Khamanna

I've read your work before, as usual, you write very well.  It was a nice, short and cute... and the ending may come as a surprise to most, but I seen it coming after he gets to Linda's apartment.  There's an urban legend that's similar to your ending, but nevertheless, I enoyed the read.  The 'Poop" line was funny.   Oh, "Diane." did you mean Sara?

Good Luck

Ghostie

@DS
Hey, thanks for the dialog pointers.
I agree on the ending - that's actually how I planned it. But I couldn't pull it off for some reason - it seemed out of character when I was writing it. So I decided on David who did take off his pants but didn't really mean it.

@Ghostie,

Hey, thanks. Yeah, I'm aware of that anecdote. I'll change Diane to Sara - good find.

Khamanna

“works on his cereal.”

- Being a lover of cereal I quite enjoyed this line ;)

“Him, Diane and Miranda, happy smiles.”

- We’ve haven’t been introduced to Diane so it might be worth describing her, giving her age or her relation to David and Miranda e.g. daughter, sister, Mother, friend, etc.

LINDA
Why so serious today?

- Is she channelling Heath Ledger’s The Joker here ;) Seriously though, once you’ve seen The Dark Knight, it’s hard not to think of that character when seeing that phrase.

“She’s beautiful - blue eyes, shiny hair.”

- This struck me as sort of odd in that when describing her beauty he focuses on her eyes, which is fine, but the “shiny hair” reads a little arbitrary. I mean, surely she has more prominent attractive features than her attentiveness to hair care?

LINDA
I got you a bottle of champagne but
left it at home.

- I’m wondering did she actually forget it or is it a ploy to get David back to her house? If it’s the latter it’s not half obvious.

LINDA (O.S.)
Make yourself at home. I’m going to
change, so it’ll take a minute. Or two.

- Since she already said in the last line that she has “to put it on” I think this line could be rewritten as:

“Make yourself at home, I’ll be a minute or two.”

Otherwise it comes off reading a little stiff.

DAVID
Does it happen often? I can check
the fuse box.

- I would change “it” with “this”.

LINDA
Start the champagne, will you?

- “Pour” would be a more apt verb than “start” I reckon.

At the point I’m anticipating a reveal where it turns out to be a surprise birthday for David, organised by Miranda. Lets read on…

LINDA
I’ll be back in a moment. Want this
moment to be perfect.

- Again, I’m confused by the phrasing, maybe English isn’t your first language. Why would she say “back in a moment” when she hasn’t come back in the first place, she is still in the other room. Could be rewritten as:

“I’ll be out in a moment”

SEVERAL VOICES (O.S.)
Surprise!

- And there it is!

Why was Linda wearing a homemade vest? The whole changing clothes thing was just a ruse to buy time wasn’t it? Plus, I thought Miranda would be holding the cake given she is his wife.

Who was Diane in the picture then? The Mother? She wasn’t mentioned again you see?

It would do no harm to end on the, presumably aghast, expressions of all concerned. Linda and the family enter with the cake but we get no idea of their collective reactions to David, with his shirt unbuttoned, hopping around trying to get his pants on.

In defence of David, he does have a legitimate claim of entrapment here. Between Miranda’s coldness and Linda’s thoughtfulness and forwardness you could nearly see why he would go into the arms of another woman.

Also, doesn’t the fact that David came back to Linda’s house, which was Miranda’s plan so they could surprise him, suggest he was going to commit adultery on her? Meaning, that their plan is set up in such a way that if it does come off, it will indicate some rather unpleasant home truths about the state of their marriage.

Unfortunately, Since I could see the ending coming it neutered its effect in a big way but I do appreciate what you were going for. It’s a good idea but falls short in terms of execution. I know it’s only 5 pages so there is not much room for back story or set up but I would’ve liked to have seen more of David and Miranda’s relationship. You could add some extra pages to orchestrate the situation more and really have us believe that their marriage has lost its spark before the twist is played.

Anyway, like I say, there is the seed of a good idea here, seen it before but it has potential. However, I feel the way you went about it could do with some work.

Col.

Hey, Col,

Lots of suggestions, thank you very much. I made the ammends.

About Linda wearing the vest - good point.

Making it longer might make it boring, since the twist is the highlight of the story, so I don't know....

Thanks for the help!

Nice twist. I think a few more drafts will nail it perfectly.

Thanks for the read, Dustin.

I really enjoyed this, I kinda new at the end that was gonna happen or at least wanted it to. But nonetheless very entertaining.

Lee

Hi Khamanna,

This was a fun read. Poor David reminded me of Woody Allen "misreading the signs":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlAg_gInabw

;)

The truth is, the whole thing looks more like a prank than a birthday surprise. Any man in David's place would think the same. And any woman (Linda and Miranda included) should have known that. It is not plausible that they would "innocently" plan to surprise him in Linda's apartment. Maybe it would be better if the surprise took place in the office.

Pretty good job with the comedy, though. I enjoyed it.

Manolis

Hi Khamanna,

Well done.  This worked for me, even though it's not plausible in this draft that his whole family would go to the secretary's apartment.  Maybe Linda could make some comment to David that somehow implies Linda knows his family and is friends with them, that might help.

When he's talking on the phone with his daughter, you should consider adding "(into phone) in parentheticals so it's immediately clear he's talking on the phone.

There was a transition in the middle that I found confusing:

INT. METRO TECHNOLOGIES - RECEPTIONIST DESK - DAY
LINDA, 30s, greets David.

LINDA
Hey, good morning, you.

David says nothing, pulls the door to --
INT. METRO TECHNOLOGIES - DAVID’S OFFICE - DAY
David mopes at his desk. Linda peeks in.


Ending that first scene with an incomplete sentence makes it seem like the next scene is continuous action, when it's not.  You should complete that sentence by just saying he enters his office.  Then with that second scene, you wouldn't have to repeat "METRO TECHNOLOGOES" in the scene heading, you could just say INT. DAVID'S OFFICE - DAY" and it would be clear where we are.    

I've never heard a clock on the wall referred to as a "watch", lol.  Maybe that's just me.

The ring on his finger shouldn't be "a ring".  Say it's his wedding ring, or wedding band.

There are just suggestions.  The story works pretty well as it is.

@Lee - thanks for the read. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

@Athenian, thanks, glad you found something in it you liked.

@Ben - great notes, thanks. I'll make the ammends. Good finds. It's a good thought to foreshadow Linda to be acquinted with his family. I'll try to squeze it in.

You guys are amazing! I'm thinking of the ways to rewrite (thanks to the thoughtful comments here on SS) and will give it a deeper look once I'm done with two features I'm currently working with. Demon Withing and the other one for 7WC.