Deep in the Bone - 1+6WC - Feature

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Ferret leaps forwards, stabs the guard.

You should mention where he is stabbed,that way we can visualise he still alive and able to be subdued later.

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He stabs him quickly in his chest, killing him instantly.

Although possible, I think somebody dying instantly from one stab wound would be hard to swallow. I think he should die slower, unless Bashkim cuts his throat afterwards.

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Bull grabs one of the girl, drags her over to a couch.

I was going to ignore it, but this is the third or fourth time in 4 pages. You're missing the plurals. Girl should be girls.

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Harsh lights beam down on a team of medical staff working on a patient lying face down on the operating table.

Watch out for stuff like this mate, I find myself doing it all the time too. Here int he UK we tend to say down quite a lot. He sits down, rather than he sits... lights beam down, rather than lights beam onto.

Using it here, makes your action line messy. Not only is it unnecessary but you've actually used it twice in one sentence.

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Colleagues pass in the background, wishing him well with a pat on his back.

Be careful of these too. When you say 'a pat on his back', it would read much better if you wrote 'a pat on the back'. We are already talking about him, so it could only be 'his' back. Sorry mate, little things bug me.

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INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - NIGHT Alex’s footsteps reverberate around the lonely corridor, he turns right into... INT. LABORATORY - CONTINUOUS ...a laboratory. Clicks the light.

Sorry mate, me again. You mention that he walks into a laboratory yet it is in the slug. With a little thought you could make this transition far smoother to read.

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NURSE Alex, he’s in safe hands. We’ll take it from here.

He didn't tell the nurse his name. If he knew her already, then he wouldn't have needed to do all of that shouting.

I've just remembered the original to this now, and I like the fact you put some action in at the beginning. It's keeping me interested anyway... if it was just the medical stuff, well that isn't really my thing and I would get bored quickly.

Also in regards to your first 10, everything moves along nicely. The hook is there and it has all the makings of a good script.

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He reaches for his phone by his bed, dials.

It's that 'his' thing again. Who else's phone would he reach for and who else's bed would he be in if in his own bedroom at home? Not a nitpick, I honestly believe it makes us better writers when we understand these things and clean them up.

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Doctor Simpson turns the bedside light on, reaches awkwardly for the phone in a sleepy daze.

The above is written correctly. No mention that it his bedside light, nor that it is his phone.

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ALEX Never mind threaten you, I’ll beat the living shit out of you if you don’t give me access to those files.

Actions speak louder than words. I think some type of physical reaction would be better here... maybe he pins his friend to the wall, or shoves him really hard.... then backs down. That would show how serious he is and hint at what's (hopefully) to come. When people talk, it's usually bullshit, IME. And this for me, takes something away from his character.

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ALEX I’m sorry, Philip. I have to save him. I’ll try anything. Do you understand?

I also feel this dialogue is too much. The actor should be able to convey this with body language and a simple apology. Then Simpson, indignant, turns to leave, Alex is defeated, all is lost... and suddenly Simpson has a change of heart. This is a pivotal point in the story, milk it for dramatic effect. Try to keep as much of it as you can in the action. People will get it.

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DOCTOR SIMPSON It’s exceptionally unlikely, but it’s possible. As you know, HLA’s, Human Leukocyte antigens, are proteins found throughout the body. You’re looking for someone who matches the results in your son’s file.

Again, I feel there is too much dialogue here. The viewer gets it, we don't need it explained again. I imagine Alex, especially, wouldn't need to hear it and would be looking at his friend rather strangely about now, maybe even looking around to see who else is in the room with them.

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DOCTOR SIMPSON For what? I doubt you’ll find anything.

Sorry about this one mate, but I'm pointing out this dialogue because it's too much and I also feel that it would serve better if it was said in different context. All Dr Simpson has to say here is: For what?

That's it. Then he walks away. For what? Says it all. He's done nothing. This never happened.
I feel that works better.

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Alex rubs his face in sheer exasperation... ...And then... A match?

I feel this scene could be milked a little more. Maybe have him fall asleep too, and the result flash up after a a computer crash and switch back on, then bam, there he is. The match. Something like that.

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Doctor Philip enters carrying some coffee.

Doctor Philip?

The scene running through page 21-22, where Alex leaves the hospital, I think needs to be managed better. He has too much dialogue where he says relatively normal things. It would be better, I feel, to have him preoccupied and suddenly leave without even touching his coffee. Don't forget the urgency. If my son was about to die and there was a time limit involved and I had a way of saving him... I'd just go.

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He may be late forties to early fifties, but he’s still in peak condition.

This is a nitpick... but is it all that surprising these days? 40 is the new 30. Most of the people I know are holding out quite well. Just describe him without sounding surprised, IMHO.

I like the way you handled the Albanians getting into Alex's car. The phone thing was clever.

You know what this reminds me of? It just hit me. Robin Cook. A medical thriller. He used to be part of my easy-reading circle of authors. I haven't read one in over 15 years, mind.... but I find myself settling into this easily, just like I would after the first 100 pages of a Cook novel. Your first act ends at page 23 and I find myself well and truly settled into act 2 already. Nicely done.

OK, for me this is the first plot hole. Alex hasn't even asked the Albanians if they would save his son yet. He went there with a lie. Why not ask straight out once he was caught out? Explain his desperation, that he just needs some fluid, would be prepared to pay. Instead he's giving 100k to a hobo of a PI for some guns to go in shooting. I was kinda enjoying the slow burn. I feel it is a little too early for guns. Alex is a middle class man that's never likely laid eyes on a gun, let alone capable of taking out some Albanian gangsters.

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She’s talk, olive skinned, beautiful.

Typo... tall.

Well I'm glad that this didn't go into the all guns blazing direction, but I still feel there is something of a plot hole if Alex hasn't even tried asking for permission yet before going the clandestine route.

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Alex grabs him, drags him inside, pushes the front door closed with his foot.

Would Alex really be able to do that? In real life, trying to drag someone will be met with instant resistance. Bashkim is a powerful guy by all accounts and Alex... isn't.

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Alex hurls the flower vase at Bashkim, who bats it away. Then he grans the whole table, smashes it down towards Bashkim’s head.

Typo, 'grabs'.

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ALEX Defrim? Defrim? It’s OK. Come out. I won’t hurt you. (Whispers) Not permanently, anyway.

I think the final line of dialogue is unnecessary here. It adds a creepy element, when that isn't what this is about.

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BASHKIM Some old picka has seen us. The Cops will be on there way.

Wrong, their.

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POLICE OFFICER WILLIAMS Dispatch, we have a Grey Ford Sedan leaving the scene, back window blown out. Registration number DG14 HRJ. I am pursuing. Requesting back up. Over.

So far the script has been UK... but this cop sounds very American. He should also use a phonetic alphabet to read the number plate.

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The major road towards the hospital runs parallel to Alex’s position, but its twenty feet down a steep embarkment

Typo, embankment.

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EXT. LONDON ROAD - CONTINUOUS Alex watches the streets drift by. Small things stand out. The things you normally take for granted.

Love the above. So true.

OK, I now see why you don't have him ask him. However I feel that he should. The final twist isn't needed, but that's just me. I suppose it works.

I like this story a lot. A twist on the kidnapped family member thing. It zips along, maybe a little too quickly, there is a lot of white space that lengthens the page count a little. With some work this could be really good and very easy to make. Well done.

Probable SPOILERS throughout. Take heed.

So finished this last night, have to say I did quite enjoy it. However, you could make it way better, though it's a first draft so I'm guessing you know that, as the rest of us probably know with ours.

My main recommendation would be to move the ticking clock forward for James' condition. At the moment it's not until page 38 where you mention he has two days maximum. I read a review on scriptshadow recently, and he says that usually with a first draft something that should come earlier ends up being later on, but with subsequent rewrites it will end up getting brought forward. I feel you should start with James already in the hospital with his condition deteriorating from the start.

You could still have Alex in surgery, coming out of a 15 hour surgery or something, and when he comes out there's a nurse waiting for him to tell him James has gotten worse. Also, you could give him 24 hours instead of two days, then he's really up against it. Plus you could add in about his tiredness having been up all night doing surgery, really put him under pressure.

Another thing to maybe consider is how you had it planned originally, that it's the actual crime boss he needs to get the bone marrow from instead of his son. Whilst I understand it's showing the lengths he's willing to go for his own son, it's a lot harder to sympathise with as he's harming a seemingly innocent kid. We would have no problems whatsoever if Bashkim is put through a painful ordeal though.

If you did this, it could still end the same way, as I think the twist/unexpected ending was particularly strong. Something I hadn't seen before anyway, so credit for pulling something out of the bag there.

In regards to the end, I'm glad Alex didn't get a happy ending. I lost a bit of sympathy with him because he 'operated' on the kid, but I lost all sympathy with him when he ran the woman over on page 80. In fact, I would say I stopped caring altogether. It could just be me, but when someone crosses a certain line I can no longer back them and no longer care about their plight.

To be fair, I kept reading because the whole car chase scene was written really well, and I had to see how it played out. You deserve credit for that.

There are a few times where you name a character, but then use a different name when it comes to dialogue. For example, on page 65 you introduce Catherine, the neighbour, but when she speaks it comes under NEIGHBOUR. It's also the same with the bouncers who then become security guards early on, and Defrim's mother who becomes Megi.

Now I wanted to bring up the amount of 'orphans' in the script. I think it comes down to personal preference with these, but I try to avoid them wherever I can. You have a lot of them in there, and certainly most of those could of been avoided. If you had, then it wouldn't have ended up with one sentence on the final page, which made me want to cry.

I think most of my other notes are bits that you would probably clean up in a rewrite anyway, so I'll leave it there for now.

If you have any questions in regards to things I haven't brought up, or something specific you wish to know, just ask and I'll answer.

Good job.

This was a fast enjoyable read. Heading out in a jiffy so I don't have time to leave detailed notes, but quickly:

What I dislike about most of these kind of thrillers: It usually stops when the action stops. You don't get to know what happens after, the goal has been accomplished, is that really all? I think there could be a lot to gain from seeing what James's reaction to all of these events is. I'm not sure how easy it would be to fit it into the story, but I believe it could add something interesting to the story and answer some questions a lot of readers/viewers will have on their mind. Show us the repercussions on both sides.

P75: I'm not sold that they'd instantly take him into theatre like that. They give James Dobutamine only on page 85. Shouldn't they have given him an injection on the ward, see if the seizure stops and then take him into theatre?

P81+: The nurse seems to be doing the anesthetist's job. You also already referenced a nurse earlier on. Is it the same character? Doesn't seem too likely for the same nurse to be a theater nurse aswell.

As stated above, I also vouch for Bone Deep. Thought it was a much better title.

Good luck with future drafts, this script has definite potential.

- DS

SPOILERS BELOW:

I wasn't going to make comments as I read but at this point below, I started to:

Why does Bashkim knock on his own front door - is this a security thing?

I also wondered at the slugs for what is essentially the BASHKIM HOUSE - just calling them Suburban House??

At page 86/87 - I have to say that the Doc's answer seems a little premature :

'It's touch and go, but I think he'll make it'

And the actual bone marrow procedure seemed a little fast - I would imagine in reality some testing of that marrow would take place before it was injected?  Mind you we're working with suspension of disbelief here aren't we and it's a thriller and life and death so, I don't know... perhaps a transition in time would help from when that procedure starts with the Doc, to where all the cops are waiting outside for Alex.

The 'look after him for me' makes up for that I suppose. I just didn't imagine he got enough bone marrow from Defrim either?? But, that's probably cause everything I've ever read or seen on that procedure previously led me to believe it was quite complicated and time consuming.

Three Police Officers move down the corridor towards him.
Serious men with serious weaponry. They have all the props,
bullet proof vests, headsets, black boots and big guns.

Really nice description above.
The arrest is also really nice in SLOW MOTION. Good choice there.

I love this:

Alex watches the streets drift by. Small things stand out.
The things you normally take for granted.
Kids with their mothers.
The street vendors.

I'd personally say:

in the
passenger (seat) or: on the passenger side

And, I noticed an  Ale typo for Alex - on one page - sorry, don't know exactly what page that was on, but a Ctrl F will find it for you - I attempted to go back to see where but as you can imagine there are a fair few 'Alex's' in there.

Dustin pointed out a few typos I noticed so I didn't put my microscope on for those - hey, it's a first draft there are bound to be a few, no big deal - it was seven weeks.

And, I loved this:

Most people would
have accepted it, given up.They’d
have mistaken their cowardice for dignity.

Lines like those I've highlighted above, given that this is an otherwise straight action script/flick, take this to another level by adding some emotional depth imh. Great stuff.

I'd edit this one below, quite a bit.

BASHKIM
I’m glad you understand. I have to
kill you. I don’t have a choice.
You came after me. You came after
my family. I can’t just kill you
either. I need to restore respect.
90.I need to make you scream. I’m
going to have to torture you to
death.

It's just not necessary imh - his explaining the whole thing. I'd edit some of it at the very least but then that's jmo.

ditto with this:

Alex nods. He understands.

'He understands' is not necessary on the end of this.

Neither do I think this is necessary:

BASHKIM
I’ve done a lot of bad things in my
life, Alex, may Allah forgive me...

I'd just launch in with:

'You know what the funny thing with all this is... ' and the next lines.

The final line/twist just killed me btw. (metaphorically speaking).

I'm not too sure I'd like that ending if I was actually watching this, but I reckon that's the idea - the ultimate sacrifice he makes for his son and the irony of it. Still, I wouldn't trust that guy Bashkim as far as I could throw him. He could have just made that up  ;D

As for the final line:
We leave them enjoying the final moments, before the screams
begin.

- the 'before the screams begin' jarred a little with me - kinda redundant - would be interested to see how others respond to that. Doesn't really matter cause it wouldn't be seen but just inferred and the FADE OUT would actually occur before the screenplay line so...

Oh, and I just want to add, I think you handled the action sequences really well. High praise there.

Sure there are probably things you could fix but for a first draft this is terrific and, Rick, I reckon you should be really thrilled to have achieved this in such a short amount of time. I know I would be.  ;)

Impressive.

Hey Rick, there was some good stuff here. The work done on the first ten pages shows and the final half flies by. Here were my notes as I went.

Pg. 2 “Ferret cleaves Kang’s head from his shoulders with a sword.” I’d introduce the sword before the cleaving. Draw it out a bit. Once we see Ferret take a sword off the wall, we’ll be anxious to see what he does with it.

Pg. 4 The prostitute and the light could be a nice moment, and it’s a decent transition, but the whole first scene has this blustery, bull-dozing energy. I’d prefer to not let it settle and make the cut at “The Albanians bound into the room.”

Nice opening, though. You set up some ruthless characters to watch out for.

Pg. 5  “Whatever it is he’s working on, he’s running out of ideas.” Your visual sold that well enough. No need for the aside IMO.

Pg. 6 I like the hint of something going on between Marjorie and Alex. It suggests a relationship that won’t have to be on the nose to exist. It also makes sense for Alex too. When you’re a busy man, you get it where you can. (though this was pretty much set aside)

“Alex, walks effortlessly up the stairs. His toned physique testament to the fact he practices what he preaches.” Not a fan of this line. One: many people walk effortlessly up stairs. Two: mentioning his toned physique causes me to picture him with his shirt off. Three: I’ve seen him neither practicing, nor preaching anything.

Pg. 11 “They said it was the music you listen to.” Like that line  :)

Pg. 15 “Simpson sips his whiskey.” He’s drinking on the job in front of his patient’s father? I know their friends, but still. Alex seems like a basket case at times, I'm surprised he wouldn't mention the drinking.

All this medical talk and staring into microscopes is starting to lose steam. You could probably condense this a bit into one relatively fluid sequence. For instance, at one point Alex talks with the Dr, then visits his son, then talks to the Dr, then visits his son. Try to get everything done the first go round.

Pg. 17 You should mention the phone was ringing.

Pg. 18 If I were Dr. Simpson here, I’d want some type of assurance that Alex wouldn’t do something violent, especially with the way he’s acting. Simpson should need some expectation that Alex would be discreet, it’s his a** too.

Pg. 19 I think you need a BEGIN MONATAGE or SERIES OF SHOTS on this page.

Pg. 21 Alex telling James it’s gonna get worse sounds off. I’d ditch that and stick with the morphine bit.

“That’s to be expected. You take after your father.” Was he just taking a pot shot at Alex?

Pg. 23 “It’s answered by a gruff voiced Albanian.” What did he say?

“A beautiful brunette with an Eastern European face” I’d just call her a beautiful East European brunette (or something similar). Don’t make me wonder what nationality her legs are.

Pg. 24 I have to wonder whether Alex has considered asking honestly and hoping for compassion. If not, why? Having him manipulate this situation right off, rather than being a straight shooter about it, loses some of my respect.

Pg. 26 Ferret, Snout and Bull. I’m digging the names and the way you’ve shaped the characters around those names. Helps me keep them straight in my head. (I felt like they were underutilized overall, though)

Pg. 27 Marjorie gives up that address way too quickly.

Pg. 30 You added a new slug that’s the same location you are already in. “EXT. COUNTRY ROAD – CONTINUOUS”

Pg. 31 “A picture of his dead wife with a much younger James.” Just say wife and trust us to remember. Unless she’s dead in the picture.

Pg. 33 Is it really wise for Alex to get someone else to follow this kid. Why doesn’t he just do it himself? Also, if there’s anyone Alex should be lying to, it’s the Private Detective. The guy already threatened to call the cops.

Pg. 35 “It’s Larry, the Private Detective.” I don’t think you’re giving me enough credit here. The guy was offscreen for about ten seconds.

Pg. 37 This should be another montage here. Though it’d be a lot simpler to just have him sip coffee and look at his watch.

“…DEFRIM DEMECHI. He’s a little older…” A little older than what? I’m just now realizing you never gave me his age.

Pg. 39 Alex seems to be going one step too far every time. Why not just try for a hasty and clumsy abduction?

Pg. 41 Larry speaks twice in a row. Should all be under one character heading, or broken up with an action description.

Pg. 43 Now that the deal’s going down, it appears that Larry telegraphed, ahead of time, exactly what would go wrong and what would happen. That seems a little odd.

Pg. 45 “JAMES: Before, I felt like I was dying. Now, I’m dying in pain.”…”Alex smiles.”    What!? Why?

Pg. 47 “the house of Bashkim’s former lover” The audience can’t see that.

Pg. 49 “there are no prying eyes from behind twitching curtains.” The only time you should tell us what isn’t, is when we’d be surprised at its absence. For example: ‘He runs into the bathroom. There are no toilets.’

“ALEX: Hey kid, is your mother in?” I thought he was here for the kid? Why didn’t he just grab him at the door?

I like the tension here with Bashkim coming back to the house. You should have the mom answer the door though. That way Alex HAS to deal with her.

Pg. 65 Catherine didn’t hear the gunshots earlier?

Pg. 66 “BASHKIM: Some old picka has seen us. The Cops will be on there way.” First off, that’s not Bashkim speaking and it should be ‘they’re’, but most importantly, these guys haven’t done anything wrong, here. They could actually shoot Alex and legitimately call it self-defense.

I will say it’s been nonstop for the past thirty pages and that’s pretty impressive. The writing needs a touching up but the gist of this extended sequence works well. And it’s constantly escalating too. That’s exactly what you want with this type of thing.

You might want to consider removing a lot of the slugs during the chase. I’m totally skipping over them anyway.

Pg. 77 I don’t think the cops would try a pit maneuver on someone who’s been shooting out the window. No one would get too close. Realistically, they’d lay down spikes and if that failed they’d wait for the car to run out of gas.

Pg. 80 “her body crashes into the windscreen” Hey now, you don’t normally see that. Though, I think we’ve got another protagonist crossing into the “can’t get behind them” zone. However, if he fails, there can at least be poetic justice.

Pg. 81 James is convulsing and seems like he could die at any moment. Could bone marrow really save him fast enough?

Pg. 91 “BASHKIM: I’d have let you do it, if you just asked me.” Mm-hmm.  As someone who had that idea in the beginning, that line’s just frustrating.

This is a pretty good first draft, particularly the last half. I like the idea of the movie being a tense slow burn for half of it, then non-stop action for the last half. Everything from Alex knocking on the door on page 49 to him arriving at the hospital pretty much works. Yeah there’s some writing and logic issues strewn about, but the basic structure of that sequence works. I’ve only got two basic problems…

One, having Alex not just ask and Bashkim later reveal that he would’ve done it if Alex had, didn’t work for me. It’s not a rewarding experience to get to the end of a movie and realize that, if you had been the protagonist, doing the first thing that popped into your head, the movie would’ve ended an hour ago. Alex should be doing everything possible to not break the law or his own moral code. By caving in so quickly, not only did he make things harder than they had to be, he made me not care for him.

Two, the first half treads water IMO. We spend a lot of time with Larry, but it doesn’t really pay off. Alex could easily stalk this kid on his own. All that talk and the only thing Larry really does that’s of any significance is throw Alex a gun. And what exactly did Alex plan to do with $50,000 worth of guns? Was he gonna hire some people to help him?

It kinda blows up your ending, but I’m gonna make my suggestions anyway…

Alex does go to Bashkim and asks him straight-up for help. Bashkim’s willing to help, but for a price. Alex offers money. Bashkim doesn’t need money, but because Alex is a surgeon, he’s in a unique position to help.

In the opening sequence we saw Bashkim and his men kicking ass and taking names, but it was never really followed up on what any of that was about. What if Bashkim is moving in on new territory and eliminating a rival gang? He’s got his sights set on that gang’s leader, who just so happens to be going to the hospital soon for basic surgery. So the deal is, if Alex can find his way into that operating room and kill the rival gang leader so that it looks like an accident, Bashkim will give him the bone marrow.

Now Alex has something interesting to do for the first half of the movie. He’s got to manipulate his way into the operating room even though he wasn’t the original surgeon scheduled, he’s got to figure out how to kill the guy but make it look like an accident and he’s got to figure out whether his conscience will even allow him to do it.

At the end of all that, something goes wrong. Maybe Alex can’t go through with it. Maybe he does it, but falls under police suspicion. Maybe Bashkim is just a prick. Whatever happens, Bashkim reneges on the deal and says, “Yeah, your kid’s gonna die. Sorry.”

Now it’s time for Alex to roll up on that house with a gun and medical supplies and we can except it because he’s exhausted every other option. Like I said, it kinda blows up your ending, but the twist didn’t really do it for me in the first place so…

Really nice first draft, though. Lots of room to work with it. Good luck with whatever direction you go.

Eric

Starts well. I particularly like 'ox stuffed into a tracksuit'.

I'm not fond of all these ellipses though. I'm partial to the odd one myself, but I think if you dumped half of them near the start it'd go faster. Or maybe not.

Maybe they don't, and it is a film, but wouldn't Albanians speak Albanian to each other? Or at least more halting and more error ridden English. Just a thought.

Normally I'd mataphorically kick your arse for the camera stuff. Or at least suggest losing it. But I know you're handy with them so... enough said.

There's a few little errors here and there. I would point them out but hopefully the others who reviewed this have done. As I can't be bothered. I suspect you already know and are gonna rewrite this at some point so I'll keep to the story.

The doctor stuff up to page 18 takes a little too long to get where it's going, in my humble. It reads fast, but it feels we've seen this stuff before. From 18 onwards it gets more complicated so I get you need the space there to get your plot going. At this point I'm wondering how these two worlds are going to combine. But I'm wondering in a good way. This is interesting.

I think you jump to your link too quick. I was expecting to have to wait a little while to find out. Even if it was just another scene or two with other complications in Alex's life or some other aspect with a woman or the like. It would make him a bit more intriguing. Or some snags or disasters with the Albanians. As it is I think it gets there too fast and you're missing out on some possible drama.

I'd say you also need to point out the age of Defrim. You say he's young, which is too vague for plot purposes.

The print out at the bottom of page 33 was taken from him earlier. He'd have had to get another one for this to work.

I got up to about page 40. I'll come back to it later.

There is a lot of good stuff in this. It needs polishing and tidying but most of it works well. I get the feeling you were short on time and the polishing will get done. Pretty damn good.

R

Scar,

Was able to blast through this one. Good job on that. The pacing, for the most part, is really nice. I like what you did with the opening. A vast improvement from the original and think It sets up the tone quite well.

That's another thing I enjoyed about this - the gritty tone you have going. I think it fluttered a bit but the rewrite will help that.

Overall, I think you have a strong skeleton/broads strokes here for a nice little thriller. Which I would think is the hardest part.

The story on the whole did feel a bit lite. Needs a little beefing up. But it feels like the real necessary elements that need to be there are there. Nice on that.

I also really like the eventual parellels that come between Alex and Bashkim. The torturer/murder/Dad. The Doctor/surgeon/Dad. And then flipping the script on that. To me, this is your central root/theme. I'd really play this up/milk it. Sure, It's a familiar theme but it's an interesting one. Just my opinion.

The biggest problem I think I had was with Alex. His character was hard to get a grasp on for me. I didn't fully buy into his arc. I liked his arc - it just didn't feel fully authentic. And a bit wobbly.

I think because there was no real set-up in terms of his potential to really take major risks. This is just an idea but it would be interesting to see Alex introduced in surgery and some kind of shit hits the fan. The surgery goes down hill and he has take make a drastic, risky decision. Against eveyone elses wishes. Something interesting that would reveal Alex's "deep' hidden nature and give us something to revert back too when shit gets crazy. It may also work as a kind of foreshadow or set-up for the later surgery with Bashkim's son.

The intro to Alex just feels a bit flat and felt I never got a good sense of who was or what he was capable of. Maybe. Maybe not.

This might also help with the idea that Alex kind of assumes about Bashkim and just dives head first into his world and goes the gun route so quickly. As it stands, I agree with others that it doesn't makes sense that he acts so rash right out of the gate. Why wouldn't he take a more practical first step?

I'm not sure about the ending. I love the idea of it. But it doesn'y quite work as is. That's just a feeling and opinion at the moment. I think if you beef everything up a bit and expoit some of your themes and ideas it could be quite effective. The idea is super cool.

As a first draft, I think this is really effective, Especially, in the broad strokes/ideas. Maybe a few passes on the dialogue. Some I thought was quite good other bits were a bit OTN. But an effective, enjoyble first draft/read.

Nice job. Hope some of this was helpful. If not. Ignore it. Look forward to reading any rewrites.

P.S. I like "Deep in the Bone" better. That's just me. It strikes up some dark visuals. "Bone Deep" sounds like something a porn director migh shout at Ron Jeremy. IMO.

Thanks for the reviews, ladies and gentlemen.

The quality of the feedback on here is unbelievably good.

I'll deal with the comments in more depth later, but I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to read the script and for your suggestions.

PS: For anyone yet to read, I've corrected the typos mentioned in the thread, to make it a slightly easier read. Not changed the story, as yet.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/29424402/BONE%20DEEP.pdf

Rick, you can't see me, but I'm applauding! Congratulations a really great job! I can easily recommend this one to anyone who happens to read this. :)

I don't really have anything to complain about. Some minor tweaks and check those typos, but other than that, I think this was great! Why not rewrite it just a little more then when it's perfect, send it in to ScriptShadow...unless someone contacts you about the script first!

Awesome job!  8)

Page 2.     Lots of ...  To me, this slows the pace of the reading, which can be good in some cases, but when writing action, it doesn't help in giving us the frantic sense of what this first scene should feel like. I want to feel the action, the punches. I want to smell the adrenaline and sweat, if you know what I mean. The way it's written currently, it reads like a pleasant walk in the park.

Some typos and such. No biggie, you'll catch them on your next read through.

Page 4.     Nice transition to the operating theater.

The doc empties what bloody contents? In the needle or in the hip? Why would you inject blood into a hip? I'm not a doctor, just wondering.

Page 8.     James puts up a good argument.

Page 10.   Much improved and believable hospital scene.

Page 14.   We see this all the time in TV shows and movies, but I wonder how many doctors actually keep booze in their offices at the hospital in real life. I personally can't even imagine it. I'd think you'd be let go immediately if someone found out. Too big of a liability to have a doctor who drinks at work.

Page 15.   Since Alex is so desperate, it seems odd that he would dismiss the donor drive idea. I imagine him grasping at every last straw. Even a donor drive...

Page 17.   "Doctor Simpson?" Don't think Dr. Simpson would answer the phone with a question.

Page 18.   Alex keeps referring to James as my son all the time. It makes it almost sound selfish. Like it's all about how important this is to Alex, not James. I would suggest Alex calls him James instead of "my son". Know what I mean?

Page 19.   I know you probably feel like we the audience need to be brought up to speed on what HLA and stuff is, but don't give that exposition by having Dr. Simpson telling Dr. Alex about it. It seems really weird for him to inform another doctor about this. Have him explain to someone else. Ideally, someone not in the medical field. I think you can re-word that dialogue. Make it sound like they know what they're doing, but still give us an idea.

Also, IMHO, Dr. Simpson should also refer to James with James. Not, Your son. He knows him well too and the two doctors call each other by first name. Your son sounds like a stranger.

Page 25.   Seems to me that Alex would insist on being with James during surgery. Especially since he's so ill. Maybe have the surgery take place after Alex gets back?

Page 30.   Enjoyed the scene in Alex' car with the Albanian thugs. Nothing really bad happened, but it was still menacing. Great job with Bull giving the neck massage!

Page 37.   Why couldn't Alex have his phone on while he sits in his car?

Page 38.   Time clock is set.  :)

Page 44.   Good going on making the situation worse for Alex.

Page 47.   Baskim's former lover? How does the audience know this?

She's probably tall, but maybe she talks too.

Page 50.   IMHO, Alex should've tried to talk to the mother first. Appeal to her motherly instincts before he uses force.

Page 60.   Lots of tense action. Great!

Page 65.   Tears flow from both the victim...and Alex?

Page 70.   Damn! You've done well here.  :)

Page 80.   Nice visuals when the woman gets hit.

Not sure how to feel about that particular event though. It's okay to risk your own life to save another, but it's not okay to harm innocent people in the process. I would skip that hit if I were you, unless it comes into play later.

Why is it always this respect shit with men?

The End. Congratulations Rick!!!

Pia  :)

A well-developed first act weaves in action and emotional drama to a satisfying level.

Here are my notes for the first 23 pages. I write them as I read the script, in the hopes you can better understand what one reader thinks as they absorb your tale. I hope this helps a bit.

……

I like the long steadicam shot through the alleys, into this grimy underworld, and culminating with a fight and a beheading in a brothel. Usually, I’m not a fan of camera directions or the use of “we” to suggest them. However, in this instance, I think it establishes this world effectively. It’s definitely a change of scenery from what I remember in the original 10 pages. I actually envisioned that whole multiple page scene as one very long Alfonso Cuaron / Robert Altman-like camera movement. I also like the powerful scene transition into a totally different world of the Doctor – our hero. That was an exciting way to kick off the movie.

I like the doctor’s introduction. I’m glad you drastically altered this idea from the 10 page version. I think it was a great idea to show him at work in the operating room, and then with his experimental compounds. I’m also glad there was no expository dialogue. Instead we are told the story through compelling visuals. Good job establishing the hero and the baddies quickly.

I guess his son’s name is James. Sorry. That was sarcasm. But yeah. I think you mention his name too much – 4 times in a row on the same page. Maybe you could mix it up with “son” and only refer to him once as James. Just a small criticism, really.

The mention of James’ illness felt awkward. I wonder if you could show James name on a report in the earlier experiment scene - so we already know he’s sick once we here his name in dialogue. Maybe you could even add a name tag, at the hospital scene, labelled Alex Grant. So if a slide or something says James Grant we know it’s a family member. This would be another way to show us the backstory and lead us with suggestions instead. Then once they talk over dinner the conversation can feel more natural. Once he mentions his future we already know he’s sick – and, if not, we NOW suspect it.

I like how James confronts his dad about not wanting to talk on the subject of his illness. If you do something along the lines of my suggestion you could alter this dialogue to something like: “You never do, dad. You just wanna avoid the truth. But… I wanna see the world before I die.”

I wonder if James could be more outwardly expressive in the kitchen. Maybe he punches a cupboard? Or throws his glass into the sink – shattering it. The emotion and exertion leads him to pass out. I guess I’d just like to see this moment embellished more. This is an important scene. His illness drives the movie. I’d consider taking a little more time with this scene and make it more impactful.

I really liked Alex’s dialogue in the hospital, specifically: “I’ve been here before.” It suggests that his wife died from similar circumstances or an illness of another kind. If so, this man’s story is pretty heartbreaking. I also loved his quip about loud music. It broke the tension nicely.

Page 13 has another case of repeating a name over and over. Consider some variation there. I’d also excise the following portion of dialogue (p.15) for redundancy and the on-the-nose effect it has: “I’m a doctor, and I’ve let my wife and kid die.” I understand this from the good development earlier. I prefer the more subtle suggestions, as I pointed out earlier. Maybe it’s a matter of taste? I’m sure you just want to make sure this information lands. For me, it did - without this awkward dialogue. I would also delete the following dialogue from the doctor: “” Maybe he can just pour him another glass of whiskey after he apologizes instead. You can hold on that image of the whisky glass – suggesting to us that Alex could turn to the bottle and surrender to the plight… But he’s our hero - he’d rather risk everything and make sure his son gets a donor. That image would transition to Alex at James’ bedside. The good dialogue that follows tells us his decision. He’s not going to waste any time feeling sorry for himself and drinking his sorrow into submission.

I love how this turns into a man fighting for his son’s life with illegal research. All we need is a more obvious ticking clock here. What if the doctor says James has “X” amount of days until it’s too late? This would add some more obvious urgency.

The doctor’s dialogue is a little too obvious when he mentions HLAs and such. I know you want to tell us, but it doesn’t mean much to me, as I don’t know these medical terms even after you mention it. This lack of knowledge may be on par with the general film going audience. If you want to show this movie is serious and accurate, maybe this info can be on the computer or chalkboard or something. As it is said through dialogue from one doctor to another it feels too expository and awkward, for me.

Wow. Okay. I like how you’ve clearly connected our two worlds together. the bone marrow match is the ruthless gangster from the opening scene. This is a really compelling shift. If Bashkim (Bash) isn’t agreeable, how will Alex force him to donate marrow? It might be a tough sell for Alex. Interesting.

I like how Alex drives out to meet the donor gangster face to face for his proposition. I wondered if phoning would make more sense. Maybe others will be distracted and think the same? A way to divert that is to show Alex about to make a call and then put down the phone. Maybe he talks to himself and says he needs to go there to convince him. Face to face. Man to man.

……..

I stopped reading as he drove up to Bash’s house. It seemed like a good “chapter” point. I really like how you took the time to get us involved with Alex’s emotions first. While you definitely delivered action right up front, I’m glad you set-up our protagonist on a more personal level. It’s love that motivates him. And past regrets. He needs to save his son with what he’s learned as a doctor. I really appreciate these motives. It’s a refreshing driving force behind a modern thriller. Congrats with that.

I enjoyed this script. I will read more and post my further notes soon.

Back for more.

I read the newer version you just posted. From the start...

After thinking about the first part for a while, a couple of things occured. I don't like seeing certain types of characters in scripts, private eyes are among them. Along with journalists and alcoholic cops. And hookers with hearts of gold. Although I bend a bit for cops as it's hard to do a crime story if there's no police.

Your PI is a bit different, as is what he's tasked with isn't your stardard run of the mill private eye stuff. So that's good. I'd have preferred it if it was someone with a different job, but I get where you're going.

The other thing was, doesn't Alex have to work sometime? He said he'd see them tomorrow. I get the feeling he might have taken holidays or be between jobs. But as it stands, as it's not been mentioned, it is a little too Dick Van Dyke in Diagnosis Murder, running round sorting stuff out, while his patients drop dead in the hospital. He could just not go in, but that makes him somewhat heartless for a doctor. Obviously your story is nowhere near as silly as DM, even they do it with tongue in cheek a little, but you take the point.

I probably already said it. and maybe you're going there, it's just I doubt the Triads would lie down so easy. Surely they'd retaliate in some way and try and take back the brothel before page forty. I'm sure they will later. I just expected them to do it before page forty or so.

Anyways, onwards.

On page forty Larry says 'Seventy k?' I flicked back, thinking I missed something. But I couldn't find a previous reference. Maybe he misheard, or there's some reason I'm missing, but I can't work out why he'd say that.

I liked the scenes just prior page 45. Not quite seen it done that way before.

It flies along until page 58. All of that stuff would work faster in the screen, but the tension is there and it's proper thriller stuff with true motivations. It was very good.

It was only a few typos and some exclamation marks that took a little of the weight out of it.

I did notice this typo, and only mention it as it's on your new draft's first page - forties’s.

The only other format/typo stuff I'll mention is you need to correct a few instances of numbers appearing in dialogue. They need to spelled out. And there's no character names and (MORE) on some dialogue that runs onto the next page.

Rereading the first forty pages or so I still think some of the dialogue does need more work. What they're saying is good. But the doctors don't sound quite enough like doctors, in parts. And the Albanians speak English too well for foreigners with strong accents.

Larry's dialogue just before the gun buy says exactly's what is going to happen. Maybe this was intentional. Rereading it though made me think it's too much telling and leaves little to the imagination. When it does happen it's not as much as a surprise as it could have been. He could have just said they'll get spooked, or think he's a grass.

I like the stuff with the kettle on p49. I always did intend to use that in a scene somewhere but never had the opportunity. Works well.

p58 - Jesus. You certainly put this guy through the mill. Poor bugger must be hurting. It's good. I'm sick of seeing films where bullets and punches never seem to do any real damage. As well as average joes who manage to turn into Jackie Chan or Leon.

p58 again. I saw you do it earlier on, and was hoping you'd stop. But you keep repeating the header in the action line immediately below it. Please stop it. Thanks.

My medical knowledge is as limited as the rest of it. But I was under the impression there's a bit more to bone marrow than a needle insertion. Obviously, if there is, it's of no help to your plot. Hopefully there isn't. Even if there is, you could work around it with some equipment and a locked door or a bit more time. Or something.

p70 Personally I agree with you on this. However, I doubt the police would be happy with one of their own being labelled a 'sniper'. I think they'd prefer the term 'marksman' or even 'rifleman'.

Finished. Well, that was quite a ride. I'm with you on the end. It was better than I expected. Any other ending would have been a lie.

I've made a lot of points, most of them sound like I'm not a fan of this. I am. Best thing I've read in quite some time.

Hope this stuff helps. The only thing I'd say further is that overall it feels more like an hour long rather than an hour and a half. There needs to be another few scenes, either with the Triads and the brothel or with another character who isn't presently in this. Regardless, bloody good work and I hope you sell it soon. Shouldn't have a problem fetching quite a few quid.

R

Deep In The Bone

I had a good time here. Entertained me. I turned the page at a rapid pace. 2 and a half hour, that's fast for me, usually, I read very slow.

I like some of your techniques like those periods within scene transitions. Nevertheless, I wouldn't do it when a page breaks. You did this once, maybe twice, don't know.

Characters:

Let's say Larry is my personal hero. The characters are great.

"Maybe
you just have to accept things the
way they are."

The word "accept" doesn't fit to Dr. Simpson and this whole context. He asks him to accept the death of his son? Simpson is smarter than that, because that's stupid and endless insensitive. It's illogical in a humane sense.

Another thing which came to my mind: When Bashkim came back to the house of his son, Alex reacts a bit as if he knows how to fight, too experienced in my eyes. Bashkim on the other side has, that was my impression, a good chance to overpower Alex at the door, if he would just have done what he's experienced in – fight, act, react, whatever.

Still, I have empathy for all of them. Out of those small things I mention above they are simply great.

Quick calls:

DOCTOR SIMPSON
His only chance is a bone marrow
transplant and he needs it soon.
Unfortunately... .

ALEX
There are no compatible donors.

I guess that's too constructed. It felt uneven like your telling me "here, this is my film about, do you get it?" Maybe it's just worded too simple.

p23 I wasn't clear about Alex walked to the back of the building since you told that he came back to the front entrance of the premises.

That's similar to the swimming pool shot. You ended this shot with telling, showing, Bashkim coming out of the pool. That changes the whole shot backwards. A silent pool lies in the sunlight, oh no, the biggest mobster in there- you know what I mean...

Dialogue:

The dialogue in the car (in front of Bashkim's mansion) is just original. Perfect.

I thought about, in Larry's office, you don't let them interact, or yeah, move their bodies. I think you didn't find interesting stuff which they could do at the moment. Then I asked myself, this smart ass Larry, how does he move, what's his mimic, how does he underlines his words with gestures. What can they do else? That said Larry, and what he says... entertained me much.

I think a lot of dialogue is overwritten though. It didn't bother me.

Emotions:

Some strong moments like that:

ALEX
Why did you leave me, Rachel? I
don’t think I can do this alone.

Yeah, it's cheesy anyhow, but that makes him human. I would suggest you to put anything you got in this direction into your script. It makes him weak, he cannot be just Superdoc changing his whole life like from nothing.

The plot:

I found it curious that such a surgery can help as fast, and especially works with a dying human. But, to be honest, I don't have a clue about the medical side of your stuff.

The storyline works well, everything's fine – Then, when we enter Larry's detective agency I felt I've joined Chinatown or Cape of Fear. I love Larry, but he's from the 80's. Same way the script runs, very old school, and linear. Don't get me wrong I really like it, but I doubt that modern cinema's going that way today, such linear, straight way of telling.

I don't know where you're coming from, but if you're going to pitch it, and I definitely would suggest you to pitch it, because it's very strong, then I would think about television first. Just my thoughts with regards to marketability.

Title:

I don't like it. It's as I described above, again, the weakest point here. It's too generic, too straight, old school like. I think you don't need the cross reference to your medical theme. Better make it emotional, personal. "Until the last breath" "Closer to death (is this worded, right? Don't know)"
I hope you understand what I mean concerning the title.

It's a great work, Richard. As said - entertaining read. And all that within a few weeks. Throw it on the market when you think it's ready.

Hey Rick,

Good title. I actually preferred ï¿½Bone Deepï¿½. I feel it has a better ring to it. Not to take anything away from Artyï¿½s suggestion, but ï¿½Blood is thicker than waterï¿½ sounds like a title thatï¿½s trying too hard. IMO

I noticed you changed up your first ten pages. Much improved. Your original ten was moving awfully quick butï¿½s that's probably because of the fact it was a short that had to grab our attention within 10 pages.

Your dialogue is good up until page 18 and 19. That scene with Alex and Dr. Simpson I think needs some reworking.

I like the scene with Ferret and Snout, how they  jump inside Alexï¿½s car and immediately bring a heightened sense of danger to the scene. I think you executed that very well.

Pg 32 -                   ALEX
              ...That doesnï¿½t sound like I meant
                it. Look, Iï¿½m a Doctor, my son is dying.

You probably missed the word ï¿½howï¿½  in there. But even with that, it reads a bit awkward. I would change that for something like.ï¿½ That came out wrong. Let me start over. Iï¿½m a doctor, and my son is dying.ï¿½

Damn, Alex is running through a gauntlet of pain. ï¿½I likes.

Pg 60 -                ALEX
             Everybody, calm the fuck down!
            Nobody is getting hurt here. Itï¿½s
           just a simple fucking operation.
           Give me your hands.

Too many fucks in this. Take out theï¿½ fuckinï¿½. It doesn't sound right after the first fuck. Especially considering this guy is suppose to be a fucking doctorï¿½lol

From the moment the gunshot was heard up stairs to the moment the two bodyguards reach the front door. Took wayyy too long. There was a whole exchange of dialogue plus the fact that Alex was dragging the kid from up stairs all the way downstairs to his father. Those guards should have been at the front door by the time he was dragging him down the stairs.

What happen to the duck tape? How come it wasnï¿½t used on Bashkim? He was allowed to just yell out to his men from inside the house, That duck tape should have been sealing his mouth shut awhile ago.

Pg 67 -            BASHKIM
           Go fuck your motherï¿½s vagina.

Doesnï¿½t seem like something a mid 50ï¿½s Albanian gangster would say. More of an early to late teen type of comment.

A sniper in a police chopper, in a high speed chase? That be a little overkill on the departmentï¿½s side. Since when do snipers randomly fly with police choppers if it isnï¿½t military or if there isnï¿½t some kind of hostage situation going on. I cant buy this oneï¿½But I read on.

Pg 75 -   tyresï¿½.Iï¿½m sure you meant tires.

Iï¿½m sure others commented on thisï¿½.but dude, you got an entire page completely blankï¿½.lol

Dozens of Police Cars follow him, from the ordinary Police
Cars to large Tactical Assault Unit Vans, armoured vehicles
carrying armoured troops.

I guess the cops donï¿½t play games in the U.Kï¿½Maybe the sniper comment wasnï¿½t so far fetched after all.

Pg 87 -
             POLICE OFFICER
        ...You do not have to say anything,
        but it may harm your defense if you
       do not mention, when questioned,
       something you later rely on in
       court. Anything you do say may be
       given in evidence

Is this the actual Miranda rights spoken in the U.K?  Itï¿½s just a general curiosity. Causeï¿½ in the states we got. ..ï¿½You have the right to remain silent. You have the right for an attorney. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of lawï¿½ï¿½and blah blah blah.. Iï¿½m just interested  how other countries have theirs.

I was always wondering why he didnï¿½t just ask himï¿½lol... I liked the fact it wasnï¿½t a happy ending, You kindaï¿½ got the impression that these gangsters werenï¿½t the type to just let this shit slide. He should have pulled out a bone saw. That would have definitely solidified the title in a nice little way.

Overall I think you had some real good stuff in here. It was entertaining. I liked the fact you took an ordinary doctor and brought him to the extreme to save his son.  Some parts didnï¿½t work for me. Others scenes pulled me in. With a six week time frame, you did a very good job.

Good luck with it man
Marcello

Was duck tape written in the script? If so, it should be noted that the correct word is duct. A lot of people mistake it for duck, though.

I'm planning to get back to everyone at some point, just a quick one:

That mother's vagina thing is an actual Albanian insult. I'm sure it sounds better in the original tongue, but I kept it in for a bit of authenticity.

Might find something better.

Those rights are correct: They got changed recently. You used to have the right to remain silent, now you don't. It was another civil right that got dripped away like over a thousand others in the New World Order Police State we now all live in. ;)

I'm enjoying the script so far. Good characters, clear motive, and it's just starting to ramp up. These are my notes from page 23 - 44.

Pacing is an integral component, especially to a ticking clock thriller. I feel like this second act slowed everything down. I thought of some suggestions to combine scenes in a hope to tighten up the pace, keep that energy flowing, and the clock ticking. I hope they help inspire some new ideas.

…

I like the overt CARICATURES of the three thugs: Ferret, Snout, and Bull. It feels rather PULPY. I like that. The intimidating dialogue was PLAYFUL too. These guys are cliché, sure. But for minor characters I feel it’s appropriate.

An INTERESTING turn of events, as Alex seeks a PI.

I wonder if you could hop into this scene a little later. I’d consider this to avoid repeat information and to limit some on-the-nose dialogue. Maybe PI’s first words are something like, “So his son is the perfect match for yours. What do you want me to do about it?” Then Alex describes his sedation plan. Or you could begin with Larry talking about who the kid’s father is. He recognizes the name from previous jobs. Then he asks how Alex plans to get the bone marrow. The scene could start with new info instead, thus avoiding repeat info from earlier.

For me, the scene overall felt rather clunky. It sets up future events but doesn’t add much. I’d consider trimming this down or re-working it. I guess the main points I gathered are: Larry thinks Alex is twisted, he needs more money to bend the law, and he needs to research our baddie. I think you could touch on each of these points in one brief passage of dialogue from Larry instead. I guess the scene felt more necessary than entertaining or progressive.

I think it would be more compelling if Larry was already familiar with the baddie and he warns Alex instead. That’s why it will cost more - because of the danger. I assume later on (after research) Larry will tell Alex these details anyway. Maybe you could combine these 2 scenes for precision and to keep things moving at a higher clip. After all, we’re supposed to feel more under the clock and this only delays the intensity.

As is, Larry calls Alex in the next scene anyways. Think about the effect of hopping from one location to the next, and how this dulls the energy of the race-against-the-clock scenario. Further consider my suggestion of combining the 2 scenes together. If Larry knows of the Albanian Mafia already (without making a call) he is instantly given more credibility and we trust he will make a good ally for Alex’s cause. Or maybe Larry is Albanian himself? Also, if you choose to ignore the suggested, couldn’t Larry make the call with Alex in the office?

For these same reasons, I will suggest combining the following scenes as well into the first meeting with Larry. For me, Alex doesn’t need to go the bank - only to plunk the money on Larry’s desk in the next. Maybe he could agree to the payment (in the office) and move on from there. Keep that energy going. I don’t want to be distracted by thinking, “Wait, isn’t time supposed to be running out?” This alteration would speed things up considerably. Maybe Alex agrees to the large payment, on the condition they start work immediately since his son is dying and time is of the essence. You could make Alex more desperate and forceful with Larry.

Maybe you could reorder the following scenes. Perhaps after Larry tells Alex of the stakeout plans, he checks his phone messages, and then Alex visits the hospital. (Oh. Maybe switching the mentioned timeframe to “less than 48 hours” will subliminally make it more intense and dire than “2 days”.) After the really EFFECTIVFE hospital stuff, Alex stakes out the wife’s house and spots the boy.

With this suggested rearrangement of scenes it might be best to have Larry’s next conversation take place over the phone, during Alex’s stakeout. I LIKE how you DEMONSTRATE a more desperate shift in Alex with his demand for guns. He could reach into the passenger seat when referring to the money instead. He could have withdrawn it from the bank off-screen. If you place the warehouse scene after the stakeout it would condense the timeframe and make it feel like a lot less time has passed. I think the overall effect would maintain the race against the clock and exponentially heighten the tension.

Confusing? Altered timeline looks like: meet Larry (already knows of Albanians, plan stakeout) – hospital stuff… next day: stakeout – sun sets, phone Larry - see boy with mom – then, warehouse stuff.

I really like this movie’s CONCEPT and its EMOTIONAL STAKES. So I decided to spend the time thinking of this timeline stuff (from a film editor-like standpoint) to help make your movie even more impactful and exciting. I hope you see where I’m coming from. And I hope it helps out.

I just thought of another note that might help us build an immediate connection with Larry and better understand he is motivated by more than money. That note? Maybe Larry lost a child to a similar illness years ago. Maybe he could talk of this before the gangsters show up at the warehouse.

As is, I like how Larry lays out the RISKS and how Alex reacts. I liked the INTENSITY as the gangsters argued about Alex. I’m not sure I like the resolve as much. I was hoping to spend more time with our PI. If Larry disappears, why not have the gangsters kill him. Alex is the only one left alive after a shoot-out. Maybe Larry kills one. Alex survives due to his observational skills, finding the right moment to shift from hiding to attack.

?....

I'll have more notes soon for ya.

Quoted from PrussianMosby

The word "accept" doesn't fit to Dr. Simpson and this whole context. He asks him to accept the death of his son? Simpson is smarter than that, because that's stupid and endless insensitive. It's illogical in a humane sense.

I'm not usually one for commenting on other people's comments because we're all entitled to our opinion. Along those lines, I view this differently.

Notwithstanding the fact these two characters are colleagues and friends to a degree, doctors are taught to be clinical and not get emotionally involved when being specific about a prognosis. In that regard they do often appear insensitive.

So, imh, the 'accept' bit is very realistic. It's his clinical evaluation. Plus, it adds to the main character's refusal to accept and fight back.

Thanks again to all for the analysis. Both the heart-warming praise and the excellent criticisms.

Going to respond to each of you, in time.

Quoted from c m hall

SPOILERS

There are, in my opinion, excellent moments (the prostitute gazing up at the light, then the awful light in the operating room) and the writing is admirably energetic.

There is much visual excitement as Alex fumbles to draw bone marrow from Defrim and later on the chase scene would be entertaining if filmed.  Also, the chunks of dialogue would seem much more lively onscreen.

For me, Alex is not as interesting as the other characters; he's in such a stressed out state (understandable but, for me, one dimensional).  Although I understand that it might be necessary to flatten out his character to make him carry out his mission.

  On the other hand, I think the ending is excellent, from Alex in the police car to the final scene, the hope and dread for life and for death are wonderfully precise and all the more deadly for the veneer of calm and civility and that makes the story memorable.

Thanks CM. Good analysis.

Excellent point about Alex. He is a little flat compared to the others, he's an active character in terms of action, but he does tend to be a little passive in conversation. I'll try and buffer him up a bit.

Cheers.

@ Dustin.

Thanks for the analysis (love the way you quote like that as well...makes it exceptionally easy to read).

I've made the changes you pointed out. Appreciate you pointing out the typos as well. I always miss them.

Rick

@ Arty

Thanks for the read. I've removed a lot off the orphans. ;)

Some good points raised. I can see where you're coming form with the sympathy thing, though I think I'll continue in the vein that Alex isn't the typical good guy hero. I want to develop the parallels between him and Bashkim. I like the way their arcs kind of cross, it's unusual and make the story stand out in my opinion.

Of course, it needs developing.

I am thinking of taking out the driving kill.

Might also take out the killing of the Police officers at the end, instead having the first unconscious, and the second just beaten.

And EVEN considered having the guys in the first scene beaten but not killed, so that Alex is the only one who dies in the whole story. I'll ponder that.

Thanks again,

Rick

I think you should consider killing the whole PI thing and build a scene around Alex asking Baskim's permission. Make a big deal of Bashkim saying no.

For me the twist doesn't work because it's too obvious. Most people would ask before doing anything silly.

Plus the PI doesn't really add anything to the film other than filler, IMO. Just something to think about mate.

Desperate measures and an epic car chase.

here are my remaining notes...

The way Alex deals with Bash’s wife was pretty severe. It scared me a bit, as I wasn’t sure how far Alex would go. I’m not sure Bash would head back home to return his kid’s Gameboy. But I’m glad he did. It ramps up the INTENSITY. I wonder if Defrim would have called the police or his dad while Alex scuffled with his mom. Oh, and I’m glad Ferret and his companions make a return.

I wonder why Bash didn’t put up a fight when Alex jumped him. I didn’t think this badass gangster would be so easily subdued by a doctor. That was EXCITING though, once Bash does fight back.

WOW. So that’s why Def didn’t go for a phone. He knows where some guns are. And now he’s armed. That was UNEXPECTED. It looks like he takes after his old man. Ha. I like how you mention something like this in your next description.

I’d consider adding some more dialogue for Alex as he searches all the rooms for Def. Maybe he could explain why he needs Def’s help. He talks of his son - and how Def’s blood is the only cure. Alex just wants some help. The kid could still keep his gun pointed, deciding what to do. If he fires, it just shows how RUTHLESS and apathetic Defrim really is. Like his pops.

The stuff with the gun aimed at Alex was INTENSE. I feel like using INTERCUT will keep that energy flowing even better. For me, the multiple slug-lines slow down the read and hinder the momentum.

Shots fired. And the baddies outside hear them. This just gets more and more EXCITING. I wonder how Alex will take them on and survive. Dang. No pain killers. Nice move to RAMP UP the intensity even more. I liked the EMOTION from Alex, inflicting pain on the child. The thugs banging on the door CRANKS it up. I wonder if they’d just shoot out the lock though.

When Bash threatens Alex’s life, I LOVED the simple response from Alex, “I know.” It says so much. It carries weight. It shows us (even more) that Alex is willing to die if it saves his son. I like how it just gets CRAZIER as Alex leaves the house. Instead of driving to safety, he drives towards police. I love that one cop spots the shattered windshield. A GOOD DECISION from a writing standpoint.

How long does the sedative last? It seems like Bash freed from his bindings and ready to run. The helicopter adds yet another level of tension. And then Alex fires on the police?! Wow. This behaviour will be hard to excuse in front of a jury or something. Those are some pretty extreme measures. I just hope Alex makes it to his son before the authorities apprehend him.

I like how you hop from scene to scene as the police pursuit gets crazier and crazier. It’s a clear way to show what Alex is fighting for. And why he’s going to these lengths. Plot point issue: how many bullets did Larry give Alex? He’s shooting an awful lot. What happens if he runs out of ammo? Would this make the events even more dire than Alex firing back at police? (I see how you addressed this later.)

I really liked the decision to slow down time as Alex accidently hits the pedestrian. He never wanted to cause any pain on another. Let alone an innocent bystander. Perhaps, Alex could justify his actions when it affected criminals but this sort of action isn’t excusable. A nice moment. I’m glad you thought to include this into the chase set piece. It humanizes this world and the effects of his actions on others.

So the hospital stuff was tied up neatly. Then it’s all winding down, with Alex in custody. And WHAM. Literally. Our plot lines crash into another. Now Alex will have to pay for his actions. Bash and his man abduct without prejudice. This would be something else to watch on the big screen. Great work orchestrating the drama and sombre elements, with the bum-rush kinetic intensity of the masked attack.

I like a lot of Bash’s dialogue with Alex. I wonder if you could tighten it up though. Eliminate some of the smaller notes in favour of the larger ideas. I like how Bash respects Alex’s actions. I’d focus on those elements. It just seems like he talks a bit too long. I have no problem with a longer speech delaying our expectations and creating dread. Just try and make the dialogue more impactful and memorable. Sorry, I don’t have an easy suggestion on this one. I’d say look to Tarantino for inspiration. He delays violence with the best of them - and in a playful, flavourful, memorable way.

That said, I rather enjoyed the bleak ending. That took guts. I also like how you limit Alex’s dialogue here. This is Bash’s moment. I’d consider removing all dialogue. This a great opportunity for an actor to convey emotion without words. Congrats on building a final scene like that.

OVERALL

DEEP IN THE BONE was an entertaining ride with a strong emotional core.

The pacing is tight for the most part. With some rearrangements it could be even tighter. The characters and concept are strong points. I appreciated this more empathy driven mission to save his son. There is enough tension, excitement, and action sprinkled throughout steering the movie clear of obtuse melodrama. The ending combined hope with despair. Our hero’s mission succeeded - but at a cost.

The original title BONE DEEP works better, in my opinion. It gets more to the point of emotion. Love. It’s deeper than any other emotion. We will do anything to protect those we love. I like this strong through-point and how it even extends to our antagonist Bash and his love for his own son.

As I go:

Page 1: Love the explosion of violence at the start but I think it would benefit from a slightly bigger moment of calm before the storm. We're moving, moving, moving and then the action kicks off before we stop. Just one more beat before they attack the guards would help, in my opinion.

Page 2: First couple lines of dialogue are probably excessive. The first line could be summed up by "This is Triad territory!", which already implies the rest of the line. And we can tell Bashkim doesn't care, so he doesn't really need to say it.

Page 4: Solid, brutal opening. So the stage is set for a cheerfully xenophobic little thriller in which the fine, upstanding white doctor's life becomes entangled with the nightmare of an animalistic, ethnically/culturally foreign underground filled with murder and rape. I think first of Polanski's Frantic. Or Gina Carano in In The Blood, hahah. What was the plot of that stupid movie? There was some kinda donor twist.

Page 8: Nice. I really like your new handling of this scene. The kid's moved from being a plain jerk to a sympathetic jerk and it works well. I wonder if Alex's intro scene could be used to increase the contrast -- Alex saves lives at work, but he can't save his own son. So I wonder if Alex's intro could place emphasis on this; show us that Alex is used to saving people, to getting his way and stopping death, so that we understand why he can't really face his own son's illness.

Page 10: Just one small visual thought here -- they should be wheeling his son while they talk, and the line "We'll take it from here" should land at the door, a visual border that Alex can't cross.

Page 11: "Must be hard being…" I don't like this line. It seems like a crass thing to say and it's actually just overtly pointing out an irony that's already clear enough in the story you're telling. It also makes the scene weird because the primary question of the scene is, "How is he?" and as is, it gets shoved to the middle. I assume this is an important setup, but it probably doesn't need to happen here.

Page 16: "Maybe you just have to accept…" This line doesn't work for me -- I think it feels too on the nose in a thematic sense. I'm sure if he just said sorry and gave a helpless look, it would have the same sense of finality.
"I don't know how, but I'm going…" Here's another line that doesn't give us anything the story/visual hasn't given already. I think it's perfectly realistic for him to be talking out loud here but to my personal taste, it would work better as a quiet moment, especially as a scene of stillness before the next scene of frantic motion.

Page 17: Gratuitous bod shot. Yes.

Page 19: This scene needs a second tactic. Alex comes in with one tactic (force/bully), maintains it, and eventually wins the scene, which makes it feel flat. I think he needs to switch to an expression of weakness (beg/cajole). Though since we're in a tough-guy thriller, it could even go the other way around.
"As you know, HLAs…" This exposition still feels totally clunky. And is it even necessary? All we need to know for the plot is that a doctor is looking at doctor files to find some sort of match. We'll assume it all makes sense.

Page 20: This premise is super awesome, by the way.

Page 21: Haha wait, what? "I feel weak." "That's to be expected. You take after your father."

Page 23: Alex calls from outside and is answered by a gruff Albanian. Then we go inside and Bashkim eventually answers. Did Alex get transferred?
I know Alex knows that what he's doing is illegal, but I still feel like trying to just steal bone marrow (I assume that's his plan?) is ridiculous. To me, the most obvious tactic is to explain who he is, explain the situation, and then offer a massive amount of money (he is a doctor, after all) for this unknown person's help. He's asking for bone marrow, after all, not a lung.

Page 26: The massage is a great touch that adds a lot to the familiar gangster posturing.
Given that Alex is the aggressor in your premise (he's gonna try to steal the marrow), we might want a reminder here that these guys are REALLY bad. This stuff is relatively light and funny, and maybe it should feel a little more dangerous.

Page 34: Wait, Larry just suddenly agrees to help? This beat needs to be fleshed out a bit, I think.
On a side note, I'd like to see Larry prove himself in some way. We don't really know anything about him. Y'know, he's got a dingy office and everything, but he brilliantly deduces some fact about Alex, or whatever.

Page 38: "Alex, it's now or never." This line moves Simpson from looking the other way from Alex's wrongdoing to straight up encouraging it. Not that that's impossible, but the change seems arbitrary and kinda highlights the way that Simpson's just there to voice stakes and motivation. I think we need more of his personality to come through.

Page 39: Might have been a line left in accidentally? Larry says "Seventy K?", then, "Fifty K?"

Page 41: Larry has two lines in a row here.

Page 45: James really isn't gonna press him on why he got shitkicked?
I'm realizing during this scene that we never saw James learn that his death was a definite, imminent thing. This might be a good scene to include, especially right before the botched gun deal, to up Alex's motivation there.

Page 53: Huh? He saw Alex's face a few days ago, and was subsequently informed that the guy was a weird doctor stalking his son. Why is he asking about Italians?

Page 55: And then, "I know who you are?" Bashkim's dialogue in this scene doesn't make sense.

Page 72: Everything has been fantastic here, by the way, fast and tense, which is why I haven't been commenting. Albanian swearing is a little overdone. The first thing that's bumped me is the police helicopter. Do helicopters with snipers regularly patrol London? If not, how is it in the air so soon after a simple case of reported gunfire?

Page 75: What operation does Dr. Simpsons have planned? As far as we know, the only thing that will help is the bone marrow transplant; as far as he knows, that's never gonna happen.

Page 76: Oh. Simpson's just straight-up prepping for a procedure with illegally obtained bone marrow, eh? Guess he's going down with the ship…

Thoughts:

And a wonderful ending, undercut by the fact that I was thinking "Just ask!" the whole time.

I think there's a fix for this problem that could make your whole story stronger (not that it's not strong -- I'll get this out of the way up front, I enjoyed this. Simple and brutal). What I'd suggest is some kind of sequence where Alex surveils Bashkim, understanding that he's an extremely dangerous man. While there, he sees Bashkim perform some horrible act of violence (at the same time, by the way, this scene should set up Bashkim's particular sense of honour and respect). This is what convinces Alex that he can't talk to Bashkim, as well as giving us another scene of suspense and giving Bashkim more screen time. Finally, it'll help the movie feel more sequential, rather than the current form of lots and lots of buildup and motivation for one major sequence, which in my opinion would be good (not that the current form doesn't work fine, too).

Larry doesn't do much for me, or the story. In the end, he's there for the mom's address, the gun, and the money stakes. These simple functions are disproportionate to his extended screen time. I'd cut him and focus on Bashkim more.

The opening, as I've noted above, sets up a fairly different movie, in my opinion. Triads, gang wars, rape. Given the movie that follows, all extremely gratuitous, and not an effective setup of Bashkim -- what's most important to understand about Bashkim, in the end, is the personality and worldview that pay off in the final scene.

Simpson's fairly ambivalent and expository, as I noted. I think there's a cool opportunity here to really build this guy up as a moral mirror, and I think that we need to get more of a sense of his old, wise friendship with Alex in order for the script to do so. He's a more interesting counterpoint for Alex than is Larry, so I'd cut Larry and focus on him.

I like the stuff with the wife passing away, and would have actually liked to hear more about it. This, to my mind, is the absolute core of Alex's motivation, and while I think it's revealed in the right place, I don't think it gets as much weight as it deserves. When we meet Alex, we wonder why he can't face the obvious fact that his son is dying; halfway through, we come to understand fully why that is -- because he can't let his son down like he did his wife; because he can't let James down again after letting the kid's mother die; because he can't be alone, and James is all he has in the world.

Though most of what I've said above has been critical, I do want to say that I really enjoyed this, and that I really appreciate the way this one goes the extra step morally and doesn't let the audience off too easily. Was very glad to see the death of the young woman.

Yeah. Lots of enjoyable stuff and a great payoff with the big final sequence. Solid work.

Excellent review, Heretic.

Just replying to say that what you suggested happening with watching Bashkim was how I always intended this to go.

After the first twenty pages, I wrote this backwards, started at the end and went back, scene by scene.

On the Friday, I was still twenty pages short, which was the part where this takes place. I couldn't write anymore, so I just threw Larry in to plug the gap.

The secret is out.

Rick

Quoted from DS

Thanks, DS. Some good notes there that I'll fix up in the re-write.

Maybe I'll do a sequel. A revenge flick where James goes after his Dad's killers.

Bone Deep 2.

Bone Deeper. ;D

@LC

Thanks a lot for the thorough review, and for the praise. It's very much appreciated.

All the best,

Rick

@Eric.

Wonderfully in depth review, with lots of on point suggestions. Thanks for taking the time to go through it in such detail. You've been a big help.

Rick

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films

Bone Deep 2.

Bone Deeper.

Sir, you will have my unconditional Kickstarter support the moment you ask it.

Some thoughts upon reflection. Perhaps my mild distaste at the use of rape in the introductory sequence somewhat skewed my impression of its thematic coherence. I'm wondering if the first scene should become a mirror of the last scene -- the Triads subjects of Bashkim's impersonal, dutiful torture, the same way that Alex will be eventually. A pair of bookends that foreshadow and then depict the outcome of Alex's willingness to sell his soul.

I'm not sure if such a connection comes off as classically liberal, the individual morally degraded by his own choice and accepting death as the outcome of a rational decision, or socialist in the sense that the conflation of position of gang members in the first scene and a "formerly innocent" man in the last scene suggests the weight of circumstance. The notion of true evil is sort of deflected by Bashkim's recognition that his own actions are compulsory, os maybe it's the latter. But either way, I think it's a thought that could guide the film's particular handling of "How far would you go?"

This also lends some weight to the final twist in the sense that early on, if the story unfolds as you originally intended and Alex witnesses Bashkim doing something bad and is scared off, Bashkim's own life is in fact what puts his son in danger -- Alex would have just asked, and Bashkim would have just said yes, if Bashkim weren't a gangster.

As well, thinking back on the script now, I realize that nowhere was I more engaged than the moment that the impromptu surgery starts on the poor kid, and in particular, what I liked was that the moment was really captured in the script of, "Oh shit, it's happening now!" -- that peculiar feeling when you realize that you've started doing something you weren't ready to be doing.

I was thinking one thing that might be neat is if we saw this same surgery performed beforehand in a professional, medical setting; the calm, ordered imagery in the hospital setting ground in our minds for a contrast once we see how the surgery on the kid plays out. Another similar idea that I had was that it might be cool if Alex tried to talk the kid (and Bashkim, and himself) through the surgery, in that calm, clinical way that doctors talk you through things. It might be a neat contrast, and it would be cool to see Alex unable to hold it together.

Sorry if that's a bit rambly, gotta run now but hopefully somewhat clear.

Scar,

First off, I like the main antagonists.  Albanians.  Bashkim seems like the type of guy you don't wanna f with under any circumstances.  Bull, Ferret and later on, Snout, his three trusty henchmen.  Good names, kinda makes it easier to depict them.

I can already tell James is better as a character than before.  When you opened with the first 10 on the 1WC, I, truth be told, couldn't give a rat's backside about whether he lived or died due to the way he spoke, uttering "F" and "C" like they were common phrases to a father that only cared about his well being.  This time around, he's dormant, much more likeable and, truth be told, scared to hell but strong.

I like that Ferret is an intelligent antagonist.  How he takes Alex's phone after Alex calls himself "Adam" and dials Marjorie rather than simply NOT doing that like so many other antagonists I've seen in the past.  He now knows Alex's home address, where he works, has Bashkim's son's file and knows Alex is after something.  This introduces a severe danger to his chances of success.

Mickey and Terry, ah, British gangsters.  I'm guessing Danny Dyer and Tamar Hassan wouldn't mind playing those two.  That's who I saw when I was reading that part.  Definitely has the feel of a good British Thriller Flick with the cuss words and violence coming out of this thing.  That's not bad.  I actually enjoy British Thrillers.

I like that Alex is HUMAN in this, not some f'ing machine.  That beatdown proved that Alex really isn't the type of guy that can do any of the stuff he needs to do to save his son from dying in pain.  If he can't take on two British Gangsters unarmed, then how the HELL is he gonna fight the Albanian Mafia?!  Congratulations for making him human as it provides many questions going forward.  Like, Alex is alone, Bashkim has at least 3 named Mercenaries at his disposal.  He got beat down by 2 men, so how's he gonna take on the rest, even with a gun.  I doubt he's a crack shot.  Hell, the guy can barely defend himself.  Talk about a small fish in the ocean.

You definitely set up a protagonist with a lot to lose and a lot to prove.  He's gonna need training or HELP if this is gonna come off.  Anything else, like him going in guns blazing and surviving, won't feel natural considering everything that's happened up to this point (pg.45).  And considering he only has a day or two to do it, I doubt he's gonna receive expert level gun training in that time.  Kidnap is his only option, but I'm kinda doubting he could even do that at this point.

Forget that last.  A man with everything to lose is one that can't be judged.  He really went all out with that home invasion.  Managing to overpower a woman and Bashkim as if he was trained to do so, which the prior paragraph insists he's not.

I find myself asking how the hell Alex is gonna get out of this situation when he's surrounded six-ways from Sunday by men with guns.  Not only this, but him getting out of this alive is a shot in the dark unless he kills one of them.  Not there yet, but it's growing very exciting, very thrilling and exceptionally thought-provoking.

Okay, finished.

All in all this was a great read.  Alex developed well.  Bashkim was a good antagonist.  The ending felt natural and how ironic that Bashkim would've let Alex do what he had needed if he just asked.  Makes him feel stupid, but I get the point here.

The car chase was thrilling and exciting.  It'd make for quite the ride if this was filmed.  The moment Alex kills the innocent civilian was certainly something I didn't see coming.  But a man with everything to lose will go to great lengths to ensure the safety of the one he needs to save, and doing this leads to casualties, as was the case.

Excellent start to the 7WC scripts.  You have a great concept here.  Some typos here or there, nothing I'll mention as I'm sure you likely noticed them yourself, or others have spoke about them already.

The dialogue is good, at times it's a little cliche.  But for a 7WC that's to be expected.  My own suffers from the same issue.

Congratulations for completing this 7WC, Scar.  I certainly enjoy your writing style and would be happy to read more from you in the future.

-Lee

This probably is the worst possible time what with the OWC coming up, but I've put a re-write up taking into account a lot of the suggestions made in the excellent reviews.

Once again...I really appreciate the time that people spent and the depth they went into with their reviews. I still have a few I owe, I think. Will get to them in due course.

Anyway here's the latest version.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/29424402/BONE%20DEEP.pdf

Larry's gone, there's a couple of new scenes. I have changed the part where he kills the woman, driving.

Not sure if I should have done, or not.

If anyone has time to give it a run through, or would like me to have a look at their script in return, let me know. Want to get it boxed off to send for coverage and to some comps, then to some Production companies.

Rick.

Hi Rick,

As I'm determined to get back into the habit of reading, digesting and decontrusting screenplays, this seemed like a good place to start. I see you wrote this for a time-limited challenge, but it's a rewrite so I feel no need to hold back! I kid.

Two things to start:

- I think you've got a really strong premise (I'm more and more agreeing with the opinion that 90% of scripts are doomed before the writer even writes fade in: )
- I'm struggling with a quandary: I thought that the execution was rushed and the story massively stretched out, and yet, I couldn't stop reading!

I can’t remember what you’re like with criticism. I’m going to pick this apart, but the reason is I feel your script falls in the 10% that ISN’T dead before page 1, because I like your hook. I’m just not a massive fan of the execution. But all that can be fixed - while you can’t un-bad a premise.

I’ll chop this up into Plot, Character, Dialogue and Suggestions, if that’s okay. I’m going to break Rule 1 and try and re-write your script for you when you didn’t ask me to (again, it’s because I like your idea!). Most of this can be dismissed if you like what you have the way it is. But hope some of this is useful.

PLOT

My main problem with this the structure, really. It didn't feel to me like a fully fleshed out story. After a strong start, once we get out of Act 1 it’s basically it a series of stretched out sequences:

- Alex tracks down Baskhim, trails him and is caught (p. 20-34)
- interlude: Alex learns just how sick James is and resolves to do Something Crazy (p. 34-38 )
- Alex tries to get a gun (p. 39-50)
- Alex goes to get Defrim’s bone marrow (p. 50-68 )
- Alex races back to the hospital before James dies (p. 69-84)

So basically after page 38 it’s 10 minutes of him trying to get a gun, and then two back to back nearly 20 minute extended action sequences. There was a line I read in a review of a film once where it said the problem was the director tried to ‘entertain us to death’ - that sounds like a compliment, but I think the point was that it was so relentless, so ON IT all the time that it all sort of merged into one massive pounding din. In terms of actual STORY, it feels like you’ve dragged perhaps 20 minutes of action out to make it last for 50 pages. What’s on the page is exciting, but the actual plot feels thin

First things first: I’d cut pages 39-50. I don’t fully understand what you were trying to do here. If the idea was to say ‘this is what would ACTUALLY happen if a normal man were in this terrible situation’, then that’s fair enough. But so much of the action is on a sort of action hero level (the house under siege section is a bit Skyfall, the chase just as highly-pitched) that Alex Grant didn’t feel normal enough (I’ll come to his character later) for me to relate to his mundane struggles as a normal bloke in this alien world. Really, this 11 pages could be summarised on one index card: Alex arms himself. But in terms of a story beat, you could achieve this in half a page by him having inherited a shotgun from his father, and driving home and smashing it out of its glass case. Every page that isn’t Alex Grant v. Bashkim Demechi is a wasted page, in my opinion. 39-50 is an 11 page diversion you could tick off in a page or less.

I appreciate you added a ticking clock to the second half which made things Very Dramatic, but I couldn’t fully buy into it, I’m afraid. Partly this might be my own medical ignorance. What is James dying of? And how can one single injection of bone marrow immediately pluck him back from death’s door? As Alex was destroying large chunks of Surrey and West London and mowing down pedestrians on Oxford Street, I felt curiously unengaged as I just thought ‘well even if he gets there, surely it’s too late anyway?’ Simpson says ‘it’s not a silver bullet’ - but you sort of suggest it is, an InstaCure where every single second matters. Maybe that’s medically accurate, but it didn’t seem very believable to me.

Finally, you set up this whole Albanians vs. Triads subplot you never do anything with. I like your opening, but it’s ultimately a bit of a red herring as apart from kidnapped prostitutes / dancers it doesn’t lead anywhere. You hint at a backstory where Bashkim has been in dispute with the Triads:

Quoted Text

BASHKIM
It didn’t need to come to this. You
should have accepted our offer.

GAN REG KANG
Do you know who we are? This is
Triad territory, do you think you
can...

BASHKIM
We know, we just don’t care.

and then apart from one line where Bashkim says ‘you’re not Triads’, this is never mentioned again. Feels like you leave a thread dangling there.

CHARACTERS

Bashkim is a really good antag, a nasty, nasty piece of work. You introduce him well, and his line ‘We know, we just don’t care.’ is kickass. I was loving it on page 3. The three henchmen are good, too. Tick for all of that.

Alex Grant, however, I wasn’t really interested. Your antag is WAY more interesting than your protag, and that to me is a problem. Perhaps it’s because we didn’t spend long enough with him at the start. Apart from a few minutes with James, we never get to see normal Alex - for the rest of the script he’s at a million miles an hour, so frantic that it’s hard to expand on the character beneath.

Also, is he a normal man, or isn’t he? If he is, I didn’t believe in him. He goes from normal to Liam Neeson Taken, without much of an arc. i could never work out whether I was supposed to be amazed a normal man could go this far, or just seeing him as an action hero. He’s not Richard Kimble, because he’s in car chases and fight sequences. He handles the action too well to be just a bloke. An easy way to fix that is to give him the right background. John McClane is a cop who has to step up. Bryan Mills is ex-CIA. Del Spooner (I, Robot) is an ex-cop. If he was an ex-Army medic who had to go back to the type of behaviour he thought he’d left behind in order to save his son, then I’d believe him when he started kicking ass and taking names.

That’s another general point, actually. While the primary goal is clear - stop James dying - I didn’t really feel like anything was at stake personally for Alex. By which I mean while the fact that it’s his son gives him the motivation to go that far, that relationship isn’t particularly strong. There’s a half-story that he couldn’t save James’ mother and so is trying to assuage that guilt, but that gets a couple of lines of dialogue and that’s it. I’ll throw you a couple of suggestions that I wonder if you could introduce in the Suggestions section.

One other thing: I think you should make Doctor Simpson a woman. You have a lot of men in the script (Alex, James, Bashkim, Bull, Ferret, Snout, all the gang members, Defrim), but the only women are prostitutes, a nurse, the house keeper / nanny and Bashkim's girlfriend, and of those only two get names. I feel it would balance things up to at least make Simpson a woman - could James also become a daughter? It all feels unnecessarily unbalanced atm.

DIALOGUE

Your action writing is good - vivid, clear, flows well. Your dialogue, though, I felt didn't match up to that. Quite often it was devoid of subtext. Characters said exactly what they mean, in a way that felt quite unnatural.

A good example is the scene between Alex and James towards the start. There's a good conflict in that scene, opposing wants: James wants to drop out of school and go travelling as he fears he doesn't have long left, Alex doesn't want him to as he's in denial about the severity of his son's condition. That's a really good starting point for the scene, as they're in direct opposition. It's also a really good way of giving us the necessary exposition about James. BUT the dialogue is pretty on-the-nose. You spell things out so explicitly in dialogue that the tension is lost.

Generally, there are lots of moments when you make a character say something that could either be shown, or left unsaid.

For instance, when Alex says:

Quoted Text

ALEX
I failed Rose, and I’ve failed
James. What’s the point in being a
Doctor if you can’t save your own
family?

I’m not sure that needs saying. If a man in white coat is sitting there talking about his wife and son, we get it. You can lose the last line.

SUGGESTIONS

Right, this is where I pick up on particular moments that bothered me, and what I think could be done.

To fix Alex Grant’s ‘is he a normal man or an action hero’ issue, I’d simply give him a military / action-based background. You’ve made him old enough that he could have left that life behind. Maybe he’s an ex-Army medic, so he knows how to handle himself but he quit all that. With James, I’d love to see a distance in their relationship that needs resolving. I’m going to go back to Taken again. What I think that film got right was the relationship between father and daughter. They were estranged, and so while it was primarily a film about an ex-CIA agent rescuing a woman from captivity, on an emotional, personal level it was about a man determined to right the wrongs in his relationship with his daughter.

Maybe Alex wasn’t around for much of James’ childhood. He only took over looking after James after the mother died, so he doesn’t know James that well. So when James looks like he may die, that’s robbing him of the chance to finally get to know his son. In saving him, Alex is also saving the chance to make that connection, and finally proving himself as a father. That would give it an emotional stake I feel is currently lacking.

The connection between the Grants and Demechis was too convenient for my liking. He runs a database search, and the only match happens to be the son of this maniac. This may sound absurd given everything Alex goes through, but for me the easiness of this initial revelation (a computer finds it for him) means the rest doesn’t have a proper basis. It’s not the convenience in itself that troubles me but how we go from ’14 million donors and no match’ to ‘hey look I found one’ simply by running the right search, even if it does break the law (which, by the way, seems to have no personal cost for our protag).

This is where I drift into ‘talking about a script you didn’t write’ territory. In my mind, a lot more of the story should take place in the hospital. Perhaps Bashkim or his son is brought in to the hospital where Alex Grant works. James is already there, on his last legs. Alex is the doctor who treats one of them, and while running tests he realises something amazing: he’s finally found the donor his son needs. But by the time he realises this, the donor has gone. So Alex must kidnap the donor, bring him back to the hospital, and do the transplant before his son dies with the rest of the gang on his tail. It’d be more of a ‘hospital under siege story’, but I feel that would work better than a very extended chase sequence, which is what currently takes up most of the second half of the script.

CONCLUSION

This is my first review since coming back, and I’ve run out of steam. I hope there’s something useful in there. To reiterate, I think you’ve got the kernel of a good idea here, and a great antag. You just need to boost your protag, raise the emotional stakes, and I think come up with a new plot.

Or not. This is YOUR screenplay, after all. If you like what you have, as I say take what seems useful, and discard the rest.

Thanks for the read, Rick - great practice to get my eye back in, and despite all of the above as I said at the start it was a quick, compelling read. All the best.

Thanks for the review, Johnny.

Sort of agree with the diagnosis, if not the cure.

I'm not usually one to defend my scripts, I just take or leave the advice. In this case I'll explain a couple of things, so you can see where I'm going from.

Ultimately what this is supposed to be about is a normal man who has lost the love of his life and is now faced with losing his son. He has a binary choice...to let that happen, or do the one thing he can do about it. Which may save his son, but will lose him his job, his freedom, and most probably his life.

It's about how deep you are willing to go to save the ones you love. How far.

Alex is not supposed to be an action hero, he's just someone who is desperate. He only turns to action when all options have been exhausted and his only real physical actions are kicking a door, and then overpowering someone who he has partly sedated.

It's something that I know an actor could portray comfortably, that feeling of on the edge desperation.

Obviously that's not coming across.

The idea that he's some military guy who just happens to have access to weapons just doesn't for it for me.

I do agree with you that it feels it needs more emotional stakes. It's just hard to see how to do it, without starting at his wife's death or having disruptive flashbacks to her. I tried to show he's been estranged from his son (emotionally rather than physically), as you suggest, but again it's pretty hard with him lying in a bed, dying.

A hospital siege would essentially be the same as the part in the house where he's performing the illegal operation. It kind of writes you into a corner. He's stuck in one room, operating whilst the mafia try to get at him. The Police would turn up and that would be that.

I might have another look at having Bashkim and his son turn up at the hospital. I considered it, but dismissed it as being far too convenient. The one match just happening to turn up at exactly the point he needs seemed a lot more far-fetched than searching a database of thousands. It's more dramatic, though.

The Triad subplot has been mentioned before. From my perspective it's hard to fix The story is not about Gangland Politics, but about a man trying to save his son. Ultimately the Albanians in the story are engaged in a planned take-over of the sex trafficking Industry in Britain, as they are in real life. It's an ongoing thing, and will be forever. We see a vignette of something we presume will just continue. Even if I go back to it for another scene, it wouldn't resolve anything...it's just an ongoing reality of the gangland battle for control. I don't really know what to do about that.

Of course from a film viewpoint it's there to be entertaining, to provide some action and set up the obstacle for the protag.

James is dying of aplastic anemia. Severe cases can only be cured by a bone marrow transplant. Without it your body stop produces the proper blood cells and your body eventually goes into shock and you die. There would be a window where the body is starting to die, but you could still be saved with the transplant. This is where James is...he needs a transplant ASAP or he'll have gone too far and there will be no way back. It may take him two weeks to die, but if he doesn't get the injection right now, he definitely won't survive.

So it's a race to get him the injection before that window of opportunity to save him closes. It's sort of manipulative the way I've done it, deliberately increasing the tension and making it as though James life is on the line at that very moment (when in reality he's probably a week or two from death)...but there's nothing in it that's actually untrue. Fits are common at that stage.

Better a plausible impossibility than an implausible possibly, though, they say. Maybe this is a demonstration of that.

Thanks for the read. Rick.

That's very fair, Rick - a lot of what you said makes sense.

Best of luck with it.

Think what I'll do is have a go at tying in the Triad story-line with the Alex/Bashkim story.

A previous reviewer suggested something similar. Have Bashkim ask Alex to kill a Triad in exchange for Defrim's marrow.

I thought it required too much of a re-write at that stage, but it might fit in nicely at that problematic stage where he's looking for a gun (which definitely goes on for too long).

Structurally that makes more sense and whatever happens will perhaps be more dramatic.

Back to the drawing board. :)

Hey Scar, I don't have a whole lot of time to read scripts anymore, but I do devote my time to the ones that stand out.  I tried reading Bone Deep, but I stopped on page 1 after you started us off with "we see."  I'm sorry, but I'm a jerk-off and I just had to put the script down after that.

Kidding.  I read to about page 35.  You had already lost me at 5 with the line "A nice place in a nice neighborhood" -- c'mon, man, that's just lazy writing -- but, despite that little bump in the road, I pushed on.

Is there any way you could make that scene with Alex and James less out in the open?  It's too OTN and just smacks us right in the face.  Also, have you thought of making Dad sound less of a complete and total douche?  His son is dying and he won't loosen up and let him experience life?  Instead, he forces him to dredge on with his college courses?  What an asshole.  If my mom pulled that shit with me, I would loathe her for the rest of my life, even in my next one.  It definitely fucked things up for me, because now I don't like the guy -- and that's a problem.

When you have Alex speak about his wife to the gangster, then say the line

What can I say without sounding like a cliche?

You read my mind exactly.  Were you being funny or something?  It's almost as if you knew these "forced sympathy" lines were going to sound blatantly desperate and OTN.  If you're going to go that route, ditch the hollow lines such as "she completed me" and "she was my everything" and GET SPECIFIC.

In Good Will Hunting, there's a few parts where Robin Williams talks about his wife and all the little things that he loved about her, like how she used to fart in her sleep -- and that's one of the fondest memories he has of her.  Matt Damon doesn't just say "oh yeah, my father used to beat me."  He gets into specific detail about it, saying that his father "used to put a belt and a wrench on the table and said choose," and Damon always chose the wrench because "fuck him, that's why."  You need to get detailed like that.  Precise.  Specific.  Learn about your characters a little bit more and try to craft them like a real person instead of just copping out with stuff like "she completes me.  She's my everything."  You can't do stuff like that on the fly.  It won't stick.  And it most definitely won't fly with some readers, including me.

Gonna suggest that maybe you change James to a 7 year old boy, or better yet, a 7 year old girl.  I think we would sympathize and care for the child more as opposed to a dark, moody seventeen year old kid who likes to listen to dark, moody music.

As I said earlier, I stopped reading Bone Deep around page 35, and I'll tell you why, and believe me, if I knew a nicer word, I would use it -- but these pages, this story --  it was boring.  Sure, it opens with a bang, you could say, but it's a "false bang", an opening scene that's 1) only there so it can attempt to grab our attention because what follows isn't very new or different or entertaining and 2) a scenario/opening scene that we have seen a zillion times already.  I'm positive if you racked your brain hard enough, you could come up with something better than a bunch of thugs rushing a happy endings massage parlor (hell, I already saw a couple of these segments on the current season of Sons of Anarchy.  I can even recall The Sopranos has a similar scene, too).  It reads -- and most of the gangster stuff does -- as if you're just copying and pasting what you see in the movies.

The rest, I have seen before.  Hero dad racing against time to find a transplant for his kid.  I actually read a script on here a few months back (Code Black) with a similar story idea as yours, but it was handled better -- despite still having a few (minor) flaws.  I'd recommend you giving it a read if you haven't already.

So you have an opening that doesn't spark, and you have a story that's been there, done that, which is boring -- with characters that are unlikable.  What could you do to make this different, even in the slightest bit?  Just off the top of my head, instead of having the father be the one who's desperate to save James, why don't you make the father not give a shit (for whatever reason - but make sure it's not a tacked on reason) and maybe it's James' girlfriend who decides to step up.  That sounds a little bit more interesting and different to me.  In every one of these scripts, you always see the same old shit:  the dad trying to find a transplant.  Well, in this scenario, the dad doesn't give a shit about his own flesh and blood, so somebody else has to do it.  I'd WANT to read that as opposed to just opening some random feature on SS, hoping to find a good story.

Now I know it looks like I didn't like anything about Bone Deep, but I did.  I liked 3 things.  I liked that you incorporated goals, stakes, and urgency.  All too often I read amateur scripts that wander because the characters are holding union meetings because nobody needs or wants anything right now or it's their ass because nothing is on the line.  When you have a protagonist with a strong goal and he needs to achieve it RIGHT NOW, you tend to have a story that moves along.  Now, you have these 3 things (goals, stakes, urgency), which is good (I like to harp on them a lot), because if they were lacking big time, this script would have sunk with me big time.  So those factors greatly helped you out and made it a better read for me, but since I didn't connect, like, or was pulling for any of the characters AND because this just felt like a copy-and-paste retread, I have to say that this was not my cup of joe.

However, I'd be more than glad to take a look at your next draft, if it's a page 1 rewrite.

See you around, partner.

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