Slo Mo by Dustin Bowcott - Thriller - A mysterious man, seeing things in slow motion and suffering from amnesia after being shot in the head, attempts to figure out why someone wants him dead. 84 pages - pdf, format 8)

Slow Mo first ten pages

I remember I particularly liked this one when the first ten pages went up. Somewhat surprised to see who wrote it.

I would comment on the alky's naming, but it may cause toys to be chucked from pram. And I don't mean by the author.

There's some strange phrasing going on now and again near the start. I understand what's happening, or I think I do, but it could be phrased better. I guess you're trying to vary your writing, so fair enough. Maybe it's not quite as strange as it seems to me.

I know it's a film, and probably one of those hyper type far fetched things, but could they do that to Mikesh on a private plane? It seems a stretch. That said, I thought the bit that follows it was great.

He wouldn't suck him back up though. Although it may look like that.

I read the first ten. I'm a bit lost. There's three different groups of characters and I'm not sure what's going on. I liked the stuff with Mo the best. Presumably he'll come into more later on.

I'll come back to this later on too and reread from the start.

R

SPOILERS SPOILERS

I think this screenplay is wonderful.  The altered time elements seem perfect.

Nothing in the dialogue is unneeded.  All of the characters are interesting.  Even the roles of poor Jed and Maud could garner supporting actor awards.  

Scallion and Knight are pleasingly unimaginative in spite of their zest for novelty.  

A few notes:

p.8 Crater Face says "I don't what's so worse... "  (seems like there's a verb missing)

p.29 "rows of blackened, missing teeth... "  (reads awkwardly, as if the missing teeth were visible, I hope they are not)

p.50 "wondering" (wandering?)

p.50 Doctor Flanders?  (Fallows?)

p.53 is the "machine" a fax?  a printer?  I don't know why I want to know.

p.53 Maurice Mancuno?

p.65 "outhouse"  (in America, an outhouse is an enclosed toilet, nothing more)

p.69 Sharpelli addresses Mo as "Mo" -- it didn't seem right, to me, now that Sharpelli knows his real name... my thought is that he doesn't need to address him by name at all

There's a wonderful scene on page 47 where zombie types seem unable to resist Mo's exposed brain.

The flash back scenes, guided by Dr. Fallows, work very well.

I was confused about when Sharpelli found out about his sister's fate.

Sharpelli is a terrific creation and amazingly holds everything together.  

I love the ending.  This is going to be a very entertaining film.  

Quoted from rendevous I remember I particularly liked this one when the first ten pages went up. Somewhat surprised to see who wrote it. I would comment on the alky's naming, but it may cause toys to be chucked from pram. And I don't mean by the author. There's some strange phrasing going on now and again near the start. I understand what's happening, or I think I do, but it could be phrased better. I guess you're trying to vary your writing, so fair enough. Maybe it's not quite as strange as it seems to me. I know it's a film, and probably one of those hyper type far fetched things, but could they do that to Mikesh on a private plane? It seems a stretch. That said, I thought the bit that follows it was great. He wouldn't suck him back up though. Although it may look like that. I read the first ten. I'm a bit lost. There's three different groups of characters and I'm not sure what's going on. I liked the stuff with Mo the best. Presumably he'll come into more later on. I'll come back to this later on too and reread from the start. R

The alky's name was a last minute thing. I had him called Frank but wanted to change it and, well, his was the first name that came to mind when thinking of a homeless alcoholic. It's also a pretty unusual (all things considered) spelling.

I tend to change my style of writing depending on the script. But upon reading it back yesterday, I feel the first 3 pages are a little shaky. Not exactly sure why.

I suppose it is kinda far-fetched. A guy shot in the head, with half his skull missing, brains leaking out, whatever... running around kicking ass is a little out there. I just try to do things that I believe nobody else will think of and attempt to make them work.

Yeah, on the sucking up thing, it would depend on the camera angle, I believe we were following Scallion who was still diving at the time... and it does look like that. You're right, but I'm not sure changing it would make much difference aside from being more long-winded to explain. I like the idea of the shot showing him being 'sucked' into the sky. I'll try and work around it, but I like the look of the shot. I'm not sure writing it any other way will convey what I want to show.

I'm glad that you liked the stuff that was going on with Mo the best as I felt I may have made the others more fun to be around.

The idea is to have the viewer confused, the same way Mo is confused. If we know what's going on so early it ruins the film, it does for me anyway.

Thanks for giving it a look.

Quoted from c m hall SPOILERS SPOILERS I think this screenplay is wonderful.  The altered time elements seem perfect. Nothing in the dialogue is unneeded.  All of the characters are interesting.  Even the roles of poor Jed and Maud could garner supporting actor awards.

Glad you think so. Now I just need to convince an exec with a few million of the possible profits.
I've arrived at a new level with my dialogue recently after working with actors. One thing I really want to push more is dialogue-free acting. Conveying things with just a look. There is far more to acting than reading lines. Although my vomit drafts are still full of exposition.

Quoted Text Scallion and Knight are pleasingly unimaginative in spite of their zest for novelty.

I didn't want to push that because then it would turn it into a pointless game rather than simple thrill-seeking. I also didn't want the film to become about them.

Quoted Text A few notes: p.8 Crater Face says "I don't what's so worse... "  (seems like there's a verb missing) p.29 "rows of blackened, missing teeth... "  (reads awkwardly, as if the missing teeth were visible, I hope they are not) p.50 "wondering" (wandering?) p.50 Doctor Flanders?  (Fallows?) p.53 is the "machine" a fax?  a printer?  I don't know why I want to know. p.53 Maurice Mancuno? p.65 "outhouse"  (in America, an outhouse is an enclosed toilet, nothing more) p.69 Sharpelli addresses Mo as "Mo" -- it didn't seem right, to me, now that Sharpelli knows his real name... my thought is that he doesn't need to address him by name at all There's a wonderful scene on page 47 where zombie types seem unable to resist Mo's exposed brain. The flash back scenes, guided by Dr. Fallows, work very well. I was confused about when Sharpelli found out about his sister's fate. Sharpelli is a terrific creation and amazingly holds everything together.   I love the ending.  This is going to be a very entertaining film.

Thanks for all the errors, I'll fix those. In particular 'outhouse'. Another Americanism to add to the list.

The slight plot hole with Sharpelli and his sister will need figuring out too. I was aware of it when I posted so I'm glad you pointed it out, shows I was right. I actually had her as a guy called Victor in the vomit, but realised my script was a bit too masculine so changed him to his sister instead. He was also tortured. The vomit was a bit of a mess and this is the stage after, so I expect there to be some weak areas.

Glad it worked for you, thanks for the review.

Hi Dustin,

Don't have too much to say about this.

It's fun, goofy action. There's some nice humour in the dialogue and some inventive scenes.

Like Rendevous, I was a  little lost at times. Personally think you'd be better sticking to Mo more and letting us learn about things from his perspective.

It would certainly make for a rather unique experience on film! Good luck with it.


Rick

I'm aware that I can get into the characters too much and as such, at times, overshadow the protag. I do try to rein it in but I suppose it can slip away from me. I'll look into seeing what I can do to make Mo's part more prominent and clear up the confusion.

Thanks for pointing it out and I'm glad you got some entertainment out of it.

My favourite part was the bit with the crackhead describing how Mo was like a fly.

That was excellent.

Just read the first ten pages. Very good and entertaining start to a film.

I look forward to reading the rest later and will of course give my opinion.

Looking good though!

I haven't got time to finish this just yet, but I will be back on it later this evening or some time tonight. I've read up to page 9 for now, before we go INT DISTILERY, and have a few notes.

I remember reading the first ten of this and finding it believable that Mo could survive a shot to the head. However, now half of his head is missing, it's a harder sell for me. Personally I think you'd be better with either a small exit wound, or better still would be to have no exit wound at all so the bullet is still lodged in his brain. It could be one of those 'just go with it' scenarios, but something to think about.

I liked how in this first ten we get to see Mo move at twice normal speed, as in the original ten I had no idea why everything would be in slow motion for him. Now it makes a whole lot more sense, plus it makes it more intriguing as to how he is seemingly 'super human'. Also, I'm glad you made a note of it being up to the director as and when to use slow motion stuff, in your original ten it did feel a little overdone and made it a bit trickier to follow.

For the minute I'm guessing Knight and Scallion are the bad guys, and in particular I think Scallion is a good character. I certainly got that adrenaline junkie vibe from him, especially with the whole skydiving thing and him surfing Mikesh. The fact he decided not to use a chute and glide down instead shows he has little care other than finding that 'rush', and a character like that is one who will make a pretty impressive foe for our hero.

I'm guessing people may have a problem with Scallion gliding to the ground without a chute, but it wasn't that long ago the first non-parachute jump from a plane was successfully pulled off. That guy landed on boxes whereas Scallion uses the trees, but I can buy it happening.

During the jump you do say Mikesh is going 'faster and faster', which is possible earlier in the jump, but at a certain point things that fall from such heights reach terminal velocity. During my research for the freefall I had in my script (which for a second there I thought you might be 'borrowing'), I found that a man weighing 170lbs reaches TV at around 12 seconds, so it's just something to think about.

On page 5, Knight says 'I thought...' to which Scallion laughs and replies... 'I knew. I just knew'. I'm not 100% sure what he thought or knew, which could just be down to me, but it might be better if Knight actually finishes off saying what he thought, then have Scallion laugh it off without saying anything. I'm guessing it would still work, and I wouldn't be quite as confused anyway.

Last little note is the hillbillies playing chess. At first I thought it seemed a bit cliche as I've seen plenty of bad guys playing chess over the years. But, when I actually thought about it, it wasn't. Chess is a thinking man's game, and a hillbilly, or someone described as such wouldn't necessarily be seen as a thinking man. I guess what I'm saying is you seem to of flipped the cliche, which is a good thing.

I'll get back to this later, got potential so far for sure.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films My favourite part was the bit with the crackhead describing how Mo was like a fly. That was excellent.

Thank you. I really like the idea of using him, or someone like him, to tell the science part. Makes a change.

Quoted from IamGlenn Just read the first ten pages. Very good and entertaining start to a film. I look forward to reading the rest later and will of course give my opinion. Looking good though!

Thanks, mate. The more scripts you read, the faster you will pick up the rules, including the unspoken ones. I look forward to hearing your opinion.

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou I remember reading the first ten of this and finding it believable that Mo could survive a shot to the head. However, now half of his head is missing, it's a harder sell for me. Personally I think you'd be better with either a small exit wound, or better still would be to have no exit wound at all so the bullet is still lodged in his brain. It could be one of those 'just go with it' scenarios, but something to think about.

Yeah, I'm inclined to agree with you, I think an entry wound would be enough. Save a lot on make-up and special effects too.

Quoted Text I liked how in this first ten we get to see Mo move at twice normal speed, as in the original ten I had no idea why everything would be in slow motion for him. Now it makes a whole lot more sense, plus it makes it more intriguing as to how he is seemingly 'super human'. Also, I'm glad you made a note of it being up to the director as and when to use slow motion stuff, in your original ten it did feel a little overdone and made it a bit trickier to follow.

It wasn't pleasant to write either so it was no problem to remove it. The director's note made writing the script a lot easier.

Quoted Text For the minute I'm guessing Knight and Scallion are the bad guys, and in particular I think Scallion is a good character. I certainly got that adrenaline junkie vibe from him, especially with the whole skydiving thing and him surfing Mikesh. The fact he decided not to use a shoot and glide down instead shows he has little care other than finding that 'rush', and a character like that is one who will make a pretty impressive foe for our hero.

You'd be guessing correctly. I originally had Scallion alone and then included a gay lover in the form of Knight. Not sure if it works that well.

Quoted Text I'm guessing people may have a problem with Scallion gliding to the ground without a chute, but it wasn't that long ago the first non-parachute jump from a plane was successfully pulled off. That guy landed on boxes whereas Scallion uses the trees, but I can buy it happening.

Yeah, I saw that too. Using winged jumpsuits. I've seen them called simply jumpsuits so didn't know how to refer to them in the script without going into along description.

Quoted Text During the jump you do say Mikesh is going 'faster and faster', which is possible earlier in the jump, but at a certain point things that fall from such heights reach terminal velocity. During my research for the freefall I had in my script (which for a second there I thought you might be 'borrowing'), I found that a man weighing 170lbs reaches TV at around 12 seconds, so it's just something to think about.

I did kinda get the idea from you. I'm guessing it was your first ten with the guy freefalling to his death. If so, then yes, you sparked that idea in me. I then wanted to know if it was possible to jump out of a plane without a chute and I came across the video with the guy in the winged suit.

Quoted Text On page 5, Knight says 'I thought...' to which Scallion laughs and replies... 'I knew. I just knew'. I'm not 100% sure what he thought or knew, which could just be down to me, but it might be better if Knight actually finishes off saying what he thought, then have Scallion laugh it off without saying anything. I'm guessing it would still work, and I wouldn't be quite as confused anyway.

My fear of exposition means I can cut too much at times. When Knight says, I thought, it is in concern as he thought Scallion was going to die. Scallion's response says that he knew he wouldn't. He can't say how, but in that moment in time, he knew he could get away with it. As these guys jumped too high for a safe winged suit landing.

Quoted Text Last little note is the hillbillies playing chess. At first I thought it seemed a bit cliche as I've seen plenty of bad guys playing chess over the years. But, when I actually thought about it, it wasn't. Chess is a thinking man's game, and a hillbilly, or someone described as such wouldn't necessarily be seen as a thinking man. I guess what I'm saying is you seem to of flipped the cliche, which is a good thing.

I always like to do that whenever I can. I had a very cliched scene in the organic draft and wanted to flip it, so I'm glad you appreciate that. Thanks for the comments so far, much appreciated.

Sorry I didn't get back to this yesterday, but I've finished now.

Now entering SPOILER city, careful as you go.

I had one big problem with this by the end, and I think that's down to the amount of characters involved and the different factions they all seem to belong to. Because of this I felt it all became a bit unfocused. I made a note on page 14 about there being too many characters, and there were more to come afterwards.

Off the top of my head we have Mo, the doctor and Jeff, Sharpelli, Jed and his hillbilly crew, Scallion and Knight, the people on the plane with them and all their henchmen, Sharpelli's sister and a few police, Twanita and her people, and also Mo's family.

Maybe it's just when reading it it's a lot to take in, as on film it isn't quite as hard to keep up. But at the same time, I don't feel like I really got to know Mo that well. If there were less characters and more time spent with Mo as he tries to uncover what's going on, we would get to know him more and care a whole lot more about him.

My favourite character was Scallion. I do like a good bad guy, but I should be more interested in Mo. I get Scallion, I understand what he's all about, I got him from the first scene he's in. I never really had that with Mo. Mo is more of a mystery, but perhaps that was the point? One last thing about Scallion, I didn't feel like him taking his own life was in character. He seemed much more the type to go down in a blaze of glory. Perhaps have him pick up the gun, realise it's empty and have him aim at the police or Mo only to be met by a hail of gunfire. That would be more his style. That or firing a rocket launcher at his own feet blowing himself up.

During the scene with Mo under hypnosis, you have Fallows as Flanders instead for a few lines of dialogue. Also, should the hypnosis stuff have a flashback added as well? And when Mo finally realises who he is, it might be better to have him come around and say 'I'm Carl Beckford' so we know he's figured it out while he's 'awake'. I only say this because when we move on to his house he suddenly seems to know everything about his family, and it made me wonder if he would remember all that stuff from being 'under'. It's not a big thing as maybe he could, but something to think about.

Last little note would be about Mo using the coke and the heroin. I've had a little experience with coke so I know it speeds up the heart rate and would work for what he needs. But I always thought heroin was more of a relaxant, which may not be the right word, but I thought it knocked people out rather than speeds them up. I guess it's my own curiosity as maybe it could perk him up.

Overall though, pretty decent, I just feel it needs to focus more on Mo.

ps did we ever find out who shot him? Maybe I missed it, but I want to know.

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou I had one big problem with this by the end, and I think that's down to the amount of characters involved and the different factions they all seem to belong to. Because of this I felt it all became a bit unfocused. I made a note on page 14 about there being too many characters, and there were more to come afterwards. Off the top of my head we have Mo, the doctor and Jeff, Sharpelli, Jed and his hillbilly crew, Scallion and Knight, the people on the plane with them and all their henchmen, Sharpelli's sister and a few police, Twanita and her people, and also Mo's family. Maybe it's just when reading it it's a lot to take in, as on film it isn't quite as hard to keep up. But at the same time, I don't feel like I really got to know Mo that well. If there were less characters and more time spent with Mo as he tries to uncover what's going on, we would get to know him more and care a whole lot more about him.

I believe it is down to people reading. I can point to virtually any film's IMDb profile page and there will be a stream of characters. Here's the IMDb profile for a short film:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3629428/?ref_=nm_flmg_prd_3

Note the rich character list. Some more important than others. Although I would like to figure out a way to cut Twanita's part out of it, I feel the others are essential.

Quoted Text My favourite character was Scallion. I do like a good bad guy, but I should be more interested in Mo. I get Scallion, I understand what he's all about, I got him from the first scene he's in. I never really had that with Mo. Mo is more of a mystery, but perhaps that was the point?

Mo has amnesia, been shot in the head and is seeing things in slow motion... we are intro'd to his family while he is still unaware of them which gives something of an insight. Other than that he is meant to be a mystery. I don't like films where the viewer knows what's going on but the protag doesn't. I think it should be a mystery. I can't show more about Mo, if the whole point is that we don't know.

Quoted Text One last thing about Scallion, I didn't feel like him taking his own life was in character. He seemed much more the type to go down in a blaze of glory. Perhaps have him pick up the gun, realise it's empty and have him aim at the police or Mo only to be met by a hail of gunfire. That would be more his style. That or firing a rocket launcher at his own feet blowing himself up.

I disagree. If he is captured or shot by the police then they win. If he does it himself then he does... he actually got the idea from Jeff. He remembers how cheated he felt when Jeff took his own life.

Quoted Text During the scene with Mo under hypnosis, you have Fallows as Flanders instead for a few lines of dialogue.

Dunno what happened there, my kids must have been watching The Simpsons in the background or something. Thanks for pointing it out, sometimes typo's just go over our heads.

Quoted Text Also, should the hypnosis stuff have a flashback added as well?

Not sure. I'm deep into writing another script at the moment and don't want to go back and check... but my motto is, if it's understandable, it's understandable... who gives a fuck what it looks like? There are boundaries, obviously.

Quoted Text And when Mo finally realises who he is, it might be better to have him come around and say 'I'm Carl Beckford' so we know he's figured it out while he's 'awake'. I only say this because when we move on to his house he suddenly seems to know everything about his family, and it made me wonder if he would remember all that stuff from being 'under'. It's not a big thing as maybe he could, but something to think about.

I'll try and think of something that isn't cliche... but, sometimes, I feel things are better left unexplained... if the viewer can think of a possible explanation, then it's that one. Just as you stated, it could probably happen from being under, so will most others arrive at that conclusion, I'm guessing.

Quoted Text Last little note would be about Mo using the coke and the heroin. I've had a little experience with coke so I know it speeds up the heart rate and would work for what he needs. But I always thought heroin was more of a relaxant, which may not be the right word, but I thought it knocked people out rather than speeds them up. I guess it's my own curiosity as maybe it could perk him up.

I've had a little bit of experience too. The opiates are a pain killer. Just like taking something synthesised and over priced from the doctor, opiates are a simple medicine and strong pain killer. He needs the boost tot he heart, from the coke... keeps the blood thin, and the heart working hard. The smack, kills the intense pain he's in.

Quoted Text Overall though, pretty decent, I just feel it needs to focus more on Mo.

You may be right... or even, to change the protag to Sharpelli. I think that might be a better route.

Quoted Text ps did we ever find out who shot him? Maybe I missed it, but I want to know.

This is one of those things that the viewer can work out themselves. I didn't want to insult their intelligence by going through yet another action scene where Mo was taken down. We'd seen the hunt with Jeff and Charlene, also the Asian business man from the plane at the start. I felt it would be overkill to do another one. Seems obvious that Scallion or Knight shot him, depending who won their game that night.

Something to think about as is all you've said. I need to add some pages so maybe that's it, however cutting Twanita will mean I need to add more... I already have a way to cut Twanita out. I suppose I could kill two birds with one stone, if I have Mo go to a meeting with Scallion and Knight for something, it obviously goes wrong, Mo is discovered and they hunt him down. Get the page count back.

Even if I don't agree with you now, I could change my mind tomorrow. So thank you for all and any future advice I take heed of. Much appreciated, mate... cheers.

SLO MO is a fast paced LSD-laced nut-bag action flick that never lets up or relents for anything.

The dark and twisted elements are sure to offend some and intrigue others. The perverse and psychotic elements never over-take everything else. There is also a good mystery within. There is a good amount of dark humour that keeps the brutal violence and depraved sexuality from tainting this into something opaque.

Plain and simple – I had a lot of fun with the non-stop action and bizarre concept.

Here are the notes I took while reading, in the hopes you can better understand what one reader/viewer thinks as they absorb your tale.

First, a digression - I’ll comment on the camera direction stuff. Normally, I leave all these format/spelling issues up to other reviewers, since most seem to concentrate on these elements rather than constructive criticism. So I feel like I should address some positives to these camera directions. I like how the movie shifts in and out of slow motion. Maybe all you need to state is “SLO MO:” and describe the actions. What I like in this script is that the camera directions are NECESSARY as they actually direct the story. They aren’t some sort of stylistic decision. For me, I’d rid the 1st page of the bracketed information. After all, this is a fun balls-to-the-wall concept so I don’t take the slow-mo mentions as insulting or poor formatting. In this case, I want to see what you see.  - And…end digression.

The opening image is so STRIKING. I really love the gruesome nature of our introduction into this world. The sentence is awkwardly worded. I’d consider pairing the shooing of the rat with the mention of Jeff. So I’d open on the brutal wound, then the rat. What a great way to say, “Hi. This is my movie. Ready or not, here it comes.”

I also appreciate the little DETAILS like the toe poking through the boot. And how the homeless guy finds a severely injured man and doesn’t think of getting help, he thinks of the opportunity to get money. I also love the shock of Mo awakening and fingering his massive head wound.

Right away, this movie has DARK HUMOUR soaking the edges of DERANGED ACTION.

I like how the character names are full of FLAVOUR. This skydive stuff is a rather bold opening action sequence. What a memorable way to meet our baddies(?). The surfboard to forest transition is just crazy enough. This reminds me of CRANK meets XXX (and I’m thinking the Vin Diesel movie here). It makes me wonder who are these guys and why did they make these 2 battle over one parachute (if I understood that correctly). Very INTRIGUING opening pages - just NUTS enough.

Your DESCRIPTIONS are VERY GOOD. They are sparse when needed. What I enjoy is the descriptions that build each scene. You orchestrate each shift in scenery with enough specific details that we can see what’s on screen. Then as the scene moves on the detailing grows thin. I like this economic approach on STYLE. You use unique details where it’s needed. That’s why I want to see what you see, down to the shifts into slow motion. I want to know when you envision “slo-mo mode”. Although, I’m sure in the pages to come it will still be suggestive enough to indicate this shift in POV.

I like the Sheriff’s intro. We just heard the doctor mention him by name, and then we meet him with this regular “day at the office”. I wonder if it’s the same woods the skydivers landed in? I like the attack with Crater Face and the hillbillies. The setting and details within gives this film even more GRIME and GUNGE. And it looks like Sharpelli isn’t afraid to get dirty. He gets the job done even if he must take more brutal measures to do so.

When Mo awakens from “surgery” I imagine there are some slo-mo moments. This is an instance where I would appreciate the indication of slow motion. I really feel like this style is part of the concept’s CHARM. I feel like this excitement gets buried when you don’t mention of it. Maybe there is a balance to be found – like when to mention he hears something slow (if it’s important for him to misunderstand) and when he sees something slow (to further show confusion or elaborate / embellish actions). ALSO, I got a good CHUCKLE when the doc mentions he gave Mo enough sedative to knock out an elephant – cut to: Mo staggering awake. Good stuff.

That was UNEXPECTED. Mo busts out of the doc’s house. And crosses paths with Sharpelli. I like how doc faces the Sheriff. I wonder if you could slightly alter this dialogue for a more obvious laugh. Instead, doc says, “Sharpelli? Have I got a strange little story for you.” By also mentioning his name you ensure the audience is aware that the Sheriff is Sharpelli. I’m not sure if the hillbillies ever mentioned his name. And I’m sure his nametag would inform viewers. I suppose this is just a little note for clarity’s sake.

The BRIEF scene with Jenny could use a bit more meat. It doesn’t let us know much about her. I assume this is Mo’s wife. I also wonder how the politician, David, ties into all this? Sharpelli’s jail scene is rather brief as well. I assume you’re just filling in the blanks here, and letting us know he got these guys to jail. For me, I already filled that blank. I assumed the Sheriff dropped off the baddies before he arrived outside the doctor’s house.

What I’m more COMPELLED by is Sharpelli tracking down Mo. I’d focus on that instead – as the next scene has them together anyways. And then soon after you address the hillbillies imprisonment, thus making the earlier jail drop off redundant, in my eyes. Just some minor tweaks. Oh. And that in-between scene with Jenny and David hiding in her house was CREEPY too. I like how these MULTIPLE PLOTLINES are building rather quickly. I hope you touch on the skydivers soon. There’s a lot to juggle. So far, I think you’re doing that rather well.

I like the development of memory loss with Mo. He doesn’t even remember if he has a family. How heartbreaking. I like how you avoid melodrama here. It’s more an intriguing turn of events, rather than an emotional one. At this point, I feel like this is appropriate. He has a mission to find out who harmed him, but also to find himself. His identity. His family. INTRIGUING stuff.

A minor nitpick. Would a 50 year old man be referred to as “son”? Wow. A jail break. This movie just doesn’t let up. I like the idea of stringing the Sheriff up by a tree. Maybe you could include this in dialogue so the audience gets to enjoy this idea too. It demonstrates a different (backwards) sense of justice.

Okay. The hotel scene. You didn’t spare any details there either. Hehehehe. What did I say before about grime and gunge. Yeah. You continue this atmosphere. This is something you don’t see in a lot of movies. The oral sex scene adds another MEMORABLE moment. That said, I’m glad to see a return of these skydivers. Their intro brought up a lot of questions. I’m interested to know more about them and what they were doing on that plane earlier. It looks like Mo took something they want. And it somehow involves our politician, David. I didn’t expect this level of intricate detail regarding motives in a pulpy action thriller called Slo Mo.

I love it when Mo says, “I’ve got to keep moving. If I stay still, I die.” This felt like a real TRAILER MOMENT. It explains the concept very concisely. It adds a lot of URGENCY too. He can’t stop. What a welcome addition to keep this very intense.

It seems like the Sheriff and the FBI agent have come across Mo’s crime scene where he was shot in the head. I wonder if this is a good moment to reveal a bit more about what happened there. Maybe we could use a little clue without giving it all away. Also, nice suggestion with the importance of this case. Whatever secret Mo has it’s important enough to garner Federal interest. Nice work in that regard.

After some good ACTION bits, the crack-head recounts the night’s events. I enjoyed some of his DIALOGUE, especially the bit about a FLY. The adrenaline / morphine / cocaine / heroine combos add another interesting element. This development leads to some exciting VISUAL possibilities. The director would have quite a palette to work with. Plot-wise, I’m sure these drugs will become integral somewhere down the line. And it looks like Mo might be closer to getting some ANSWERS with Twanita. I’m glad someone recognizes him and we have a chance to learn more ourselves. It seems like Mo might have a dark hidden past.

I’m not sure the flashback in the helicopter is necessary. But it was kind of funny to see what Jeff used to be like. I wonder if this could simply be mentioned in dialogue. However, if flashbacks are used later, this is a nice way to lead us into their deployment (versus coming out of nowhere).

That said, I like how this scene develops. We get some answers as to the earlier skydive. These guys are just twisted and enjoy this strange sort of perverse entertainment. This is what they do for shits and giggles: an almost POINT BREAK-like version of hunting while jumping out of planes. Completely DIFFERENT and totally EXCITING. Like most of this movie.

Wow – and the scene has an UNEXPECTED ending. I didn’t imagine Jeff killing himself. It doesn’t quite click. I assume he’s simply denying these baddies their pleasure. He takes control by pulling the trigger himself. Complex, shocking, and bold - but ultimately an uneven decision, for my liking.

Jenny shows up at the police station. I love that Mo goes by a PSEUDONYM and his wife has no idea about his “other self”. Another COMPELLING TWIST. It seems like with the Twanita events maybe Mo has several other identities. Maybe he was undercover working to bust Twanita’s drug operation? Maybe he’s a dirty cop on the take? Lots of interesting theories begin to brew. Thanks for this. I love participating in the MYSTERY.

The crack-head continues to provide some laughs. Here, I’m thinking: “20 bucks.” And, man, Knight and Scallion are quite the pair. These guys are intense and just BAT-SHIT CRAZY. They remind me of the ridiculous punk trio in SMOKIN ACES - just plain unpredictable and dangerous.

I wonder if the Mo versus Twanita scene needs a bit more of an intro. It almost immediately enters slo-mo. That said, this is another exciting action scene that would be a visual trip to witness on the big screen. I imagine it in a JUDGE DREDD sort of hallucinatory slow motion. I also like that subtle touch as Mo grabs his drugs - Charlene grabs hers (caffeine). Nice transition there.

I like that Charlene gets her own car chase action scene. I wonder if she should have a moment even earlier in the script since she gets a fair amount of screen time. As is, her introduction felt like it was rather late in the proceedings.

I liked the VARIETY in the chase with different vehicles and the desert locale. I also liked the hopping from one action scene to another. The zombie crack-head stuff was good too – clambering on Mo like maggots on a carcass.

Charlene should be more of a fighter. I think it’d be cool if it seemed like she might kill these guys with her bare hands. I liked her RUSE and her end though. I would say this gives more weight to my suggestion she appear earlier. Make her feel like a main character that dies. For me, it would mean this info Mo uncovered is even MORE important.

Mo sleeping makes sense - it’s been a long day, right. But I wonder how this affects his earlier statement of “if I stay still, I die”? Maybe he listens to loud music that gets his adrenaline going or burns off energy moving to (head-banging or whatever). Might be funny, might be too goofy. You decide. Hehehe.

I like how Mo declines a coffee, but I think there’s a joke to be had and a plot point to be addressed. Maybe Sheriff says something like, “Put that away, so I can forget I ever saw it.” This way he points out the illegal activity but allows it in this extreme predicament.

I really enjoyed the SURREAL elements of the doctor’s trance and the churchyard. There were some strong visuals there, like the ground enveloping his body. I liked the hypnosis stuff too. It revealed just enough. The sheriff’s interruption felt rather forced. I wonder if there’s a better way to integrate this idea. After all, Mo has to go back “under” anyway to get more info. I am glad to see Sheriff vent some RAGE. And I’m glad he learns of Charlene. How will he react when he learns of her demise?

Jenny gets into the action too. I’m glad she fought back. The kids in danger just adds another layer of INTENSITY. This movie doesn’t let up for long. Everyone gets a turn to be endangered. It felt like a natural progression too. This trick doesn’t feel forced or out of nowhere. It works to my liking.

The seedy warehouse stuff was effective. GRIME. And GUNGE. The depravity on hand was just shocking enough. I like how are mystery comes to light in small doses here. If I understand correctly, cameras record everything onto CDs. Mo took an important CD. Scallion and Knight’s earlier activities make more sense now too. Ditto for David. I didn’t expect his stomping either. These guys are just brutal.

The kids are with the hillbillies. This could get CRAZY fast. Then Mo enters his house with Sheriff. And remember his children from the photo. Is his memory coming back to him now that he has been hypnotized? He doesn’t need to be under the trance anymore to recall earlier events? And then Jed gets his hands on the CD just as our 2 nut-bags arrive. Holy escalation, Batman. I get the sense every plotline is going to crash into another.

Hillbilly justice as they erupt from the forest. I like how Scallion and Knight lay down some rules. This is just one grande action set piece. Sheriff leads the locals and Mo hunts the 2 madmen. We’ve got burning houses and RPGs. Nutso. I liked the severed head kiss goodbye. It’s add some sort of twisted emotional dimension to these psychos. Scallion vs Mo was great, all the way down to that dangling jaw. I think Mo should kill him with that fury of punches versus the self-inflicted gunshot demise. I wonder if you should fade after Mo collapses. Let us worry for a moment. Then return with the park. The final fight was great though. The ending was tied up more neatly than I expected.

OVERALL, this was the craziest action flick I’ve “seen” in a while. I like the surreal elements, crazy action set pieces, and dark humour. The tight pacing never lets up for a second. While this leans much more towards action, there was enough of a mystery to justify its inclusion in the thriller genre.

 

This was a fun one with a lot of cool ideas. I liked that it embraces its pulpier elements and just runs with it. It felt like Cranked with maybe a dash of Sin City thrown in for flavor. I could see a director having fun with the main gimmick…

Just starting in and realizing, this could almost be a superhero origin story, though maybe of the Unbreakable variety.

I dig the skydiving bit, but I’m wondering if there’s more going on here, or if these guys just like to dispatch people in the most theatrical ways possible. [it was the latter]

Pg. 5 “SCALLION: I knew. I just knew.” What did he know?

Nice touch with Fallows drinking himself into surgery.

Pg. 10 What caused the distillery to start blowing up? Stray bullet hit something?

A funny thing is happening during this scene, maybe it’s the combination of hillbillies, a sheriff and a forest distillery, but it’s playing in my head like a scene from Boardwalk Empire. I’m having to remind myself that this is modern day.

Pg. 14 I don’t think I’d drive away with a stranger still at the door,even a familiar one, particularly if my children were still inside. [or maybe they were supposed to have followed her. I’d still feel weird about leaving with someone standing on my stoop, though]

Pg. 15 “MO: How do I know it’s not you trying to kill me?” Why does he think anyone is trying to kill him? Could this have not been an accidental shooting?

Pg. 17 “SHARPELLI: You look fit enough to me.” I wonder if he’s got ulterior motives. Mo definitely needs to go to a hospital about as quick as someone could get him there.

Scallion and Knight are so out of place with everything else, but in a way that I like. I’m interested to see what effect they have once they reach this small town (which is still playing in my head like a sort of “throwback” town, a place where time stood still).

Pg. 24 The amount of characters has me doubling back a bit. Charmaine for example. I could tell he appeared because you didn’t cap his intro, but couldn’t remember where. Looking back I saw, but it’s such a quick moment I imagine it would be easy to miss the connection.

Pg. 29 I think a crackhead is the perfect person to be delivering your concept exposition. It would somehow be more absurd if a doctor said it. It’s good to just throw science to the wind when you need to.

Pg. 30 Seems like Mo found Twanita by accident? I’d prefer to see him following clues. After the crackhouse it seemed like Mo started wandering again. What if he found something there that led to Twanita. Or maybe Twanita is who he ultimately finds there. It would make it less of a coincidence.

Pg. 34 I’m not sure Jeff is important enough to warrant a flashback.

I’m starting to get a sense of how Knight and Scallion may interact with Mo, but if I’m right that interaction will be almost entirely backended. I think this could benefit from an interim antagonist, someone for Mo to contend with in the meantime. Maybe this exists already and it just needs focus.

Pg. 35 “Jeff opens the chamber, sees it is fully loaded.” He could shoot them right now.

Pg. 36 Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like Jeff had a huge advantage there. If I were him, I would’ve felt cautiously optimistic. I can’t see why he chose what he did. Although I do appreciate the effect it has on Scallion.

Pg. 43 I have a similar problem to the end of Mo’s scene here as the crackhouse scene. He’s in a situation that promises to provide some clues as to what’s happened to him, but leaves without learning anything. It leaves him without direction and, in my eyes, without purpose. Where does he go now that could possibly be more important than going to the hospital to get that looked at?

Pg. 49 “Sharpelli’s 4x4 roars past a sign declaring, SMALL TOWN.” I imagine an actual town name was to be fitted in there.

Pg. 51 Flanders/Fallows. It seems like a long way around to have Mo start off with these two and run off, only to ultimately be back here finding his answers this way.

Pg. 55 “SHARPELLI: They’ve got Charlene.” This makes it sound as if she’s been kidnapped. Does he realize she’s actually dead?

Pg. 63 “MO(VO): I’m Carl Beckford, a federal agent.” I was originally confused about what Mo’s moral dilemma was, as he seemed to be up to his neck in crime anyway, but this clears it up. Clears up the dual identity as well. Nice reveal.

I forgot who David was and had to go back. You could probably merge this guy with Charmaine’s character if you wanted. Or switch them up. Considering how they were introduced it might make more sense to have David die trying to kidnap Jenny while Charmaine watches Knight and Scallion climb a mountain.

Pg. 66 “Mo sighs angrily, lost for words.”  Did Mo know Charlene?

Pg. 67 “He retrieves a large plastic bag full of weed and rolls up a huge joint, lights it... waits for enlightenment.” Lol

So Mo’s amnesia seems to be gone. He knows what’s going on. I, however, still have questions. What was his original mission. Does he know anything about Scallion and Knight and their crew that we wouldn’t?

Pg. 77 “KNIGHT: This place will be swarming with police... the army.” The army? I suppose this is as good a place as any to ask… what’s on the CD?

After the scenes with Scallion and Knight skydiving to the forest and playing their games there, I would’ve liked to see them and Mo more isolated. 2 on 1, so he could honestly beat them at their own game.

Pg. 82  Looking through the feedback, I interpreted Scallion’s suicide differently than you intended. I looked at it as him simply reverting to cowardice. I had similar feelings when Jeff did it.

I liked the complexity in the storyline, here. In that regard it almost felt like something the Coen Brothers would dream up. But I think that it could also benefit from a larger page count. To be honest, with all the different characters, with all their own little subplots going on, this feels like a movie that wants to be closer to 120 pages than 90. Balancing all those characters might be hard though because…

Mo should probably be the clear lead. I think any director looking to film this would be most excited by the prospect of giving all this slow motion carnage a sort of visual poetry (brain matter wafting through the air and such) so I imagine they’d want to pull the focus in on Mo. But as indicated above, I felt his story meandered a bit. I understand you didn’t want to give away too much too soon, but I‘m not sure Mo really learned anything significant on his own. I wanted to solve the movie with Mo, but felt like I was solving it apart from him. If you could get Mo’s search for answers to intersect some of these characters earlier, without giving anything away, I think it would make the whole piece stronger.

But overall I enjoyed this. Unique tone and energy, and a concept that should be enticing for any director looking to shoot in style. Good luck with it.

Eric

Quoted from Last Fountain SLO MO is a fast paced LSD-laced nut-bag action flick that never lets up or relents for anything. The dark and twisted elements are sure to offend some and intrigue others. The perverse and psychotic elements never over-take everything else. There is also a good mystery within. There is a good amount of dark humour that keeps the brutal violence and depraved sexuality from tainting this into something opaque. Plain and simple – I had a lot of fun with the non-stop action and bizarre concept.

Thank you. I'm glad you got some entertainment out of it.

Quoted Text First, a digression - I’ll comment on the camera direction stuff. Normally, I leave all these format/spelling issues up to other reviewers, since most seem to concentrate on these elements rather than constructive criticism. So I feel like I should address some positives to these camera directions. I like how the movie shifts in and out of slow motion. Maybe all you need to state is “SLO MO:” and describe the actions. What I like in this script is that the camera directions are NECESSARY as they actually direct the story. They aren’t some sort of stylistic decision. For me, I’d rid the 1st page of the bracketed information. After all, this is a fun balls-to-the-wall concept so I don’t take the slow-mo mentions as insulting or poor formatting. In this case, I want to see what you see.  - And…end digression.

Yes, I think you're right. Striking a balance would be better. I don't like director notes either, so I'll try and write around it if I can.

Quoted Text The opening image is so STRIKING. I really love the gruesome nature of our introduction into this world. The sentence is awkwardly worded. I’d consider pairing the shooing of the rat with the mention of Jeff. So I’d open on the brutal wound, then the rat. What a great way to say, “Hi. This is my movie. Ready or not, here it comes.”

I'll look into improving that. I feel that the first three pages are a little shaky, writing-wise... they would benefit from a little more flow.

Quoted Text I also appreciate the little DETAILS like the toe poking through the boot. And how the homeless guy finds a severely injured man and doesn’t think of getting help, he thinks of the opportunity to get money. I also love the shock of Mo awakening and fingering his massive head wound. Right away, this movie has DARK HUMOUR soaking the edges of DERANGED ACTION.

Yes. Certainly tongue in cheek stuff

Quoted Text I like how the character names are full of FLAVOUR. This skydive stuff is a rather bold opening action sequence. What a memorable way to meet our baddies(?). The surfboard to forest transition is just crazy enough. This reminds me of CRANK meets XXX (and I’m thinking the Vin Diesel movie here). It makes me wonder who are these guys and why did they make these 2 battle over one parachute (if I understood that correctly). Very INTRIGUING opening pages - just NUTS enough. Your DESCRIPTIONS are VERY GOOD. They are sparse when needed. What I enjoy is the descriptions that build each scene. You orchestrate each shift in scenery with enough specific details that we can see what’s on screen. Then as the scene moves on the detailing grows thin. I like this economic approach on STYLE. You use unique details where it’s needed. That’s why I want to see what you see, down to the shifts into slow motion. I want to know when you envision “slo-mo mode”. Although, I’m sure in the pages to come it will still be suggestive enough to indicate this shift in POV.

I would have enjoyed doing that, directing the POV shots too, and I would gain a few pages if I did. On the other hand I agree that aesthetically it doesn't look pretty.

Quoted Text I like the Sheriff’s intro. We just heard the doctor mention him by name, and then we meet him with this regular “day at the office”. I wonder if it’s the same woods the skydivers landed in? I like the attack with Crater Face and the hillbillies. The setting and details within gives this film even more GRIME and GUNGE. And it looks like Sharpelli isn’t afraid to get dirty. He gets the job done even if he must take more brutal measures to do so. When Mo awakens from “surgery” I imagine there are some slo-mo moments. This is an instance where I would appreciate the indication of slow motion. I really feel like this style is part of the concept’s CHARM. I feel like this excitement gets buried when you don’t mention of it. Maybe there is a balance to be found – like when to mention he hears something slow (if it’s important for him to misunderstand) and when he sees something slow (to further show confusion or elaborate / embellish actions). ALSO, I got a good CHUCKLE when the doc mentions he gave Mo enough sedative to knock out an elephant – cut to: Mo staggering awake. Good stuff.

Yes, I think you're right. It kinda just becomes an ordinary thriller without the concept fully explored. Same thoughts also struck me... which is why it's good to hear it from someone else too.

Quoted Text That was UNEXPECTED. Mo busts out of the doc’s house. And crosses paths with Sharpelli. I like how doc faces the Sheriff. I wonder if you could slightly alter this dialogue for a more obvious laugh. Instead, doc says, “Sharpelli? Have I got a strange little story for you.” By also mentioning his name you ensure the audience is aware that the Sheriff is Sharpelli. I’m not sure if the hillbillies ever mentioned his name. And I’m sure his nametag would inform viewers. I suppose this is just a little note for clarity’s sake.

I'll look into making that clearer, thanks.

Quoted Text The BRIEF scene with Jenny could use a bit more meat. It doesn’t let us know much about her. I assume this is Mo’s wife. I also wonder how the politician, David, ties into all this? Sharpelli’s jail scene is rather brief as well. I assume you’re just filling in the blanks here, and letting us know he got these guys to jail. For me, I already filled that blank. I assumed the Sheriff dropped off the baddies before he arrived outside the doctor’s house.

I agree. I was treading carefully around her because I didn't want to give too much away. I wanted to make it appear she could be a criminal's wife or anyone's wife.

Quoted Text What I’m more COMPELLED by is Sharpelli tracking down Mo. I’d focus on that instead – as the next scene has them together anyways. And then soon after you address the hillbillies imprisonment, thus making the earlier jail drop off redundant, in my eyes. Just some minor tweaks. Oh. And that in-between scene with Jenny and David hiding in her house was CREEPY too. I like how these MULTIPLE PLOTLINES are building rather quickly. I hope you touch on the skydivers soon. There’s a lot to juggle. So far, I think you’re doing that rather well.

Thanks, I'll look into that one too.

Quoted Text I like the development of memory loss with Mo. He doesn’t even remember if he has a family. How heartbreaking. I like how you avoid melodrama here. It’s more an intriguing turn of events, rather than an emotional one. At this point, I feel like this is appropriate. He has a mission to find out who harmed him, but also to find himself. His identity. His family. INTRIGUING stuff.

Melodrama has its place... but probably not in an action flick. Thanks.

Quoted Text A minor nitpick. Would a 50 year old man be referred to as “son”? Wow. A jail break. This movie just doesn’t let up. I like the idea of stringing the Sheriff up by a tree. Maybe you could include this in dialogue so the audience gets to enjoy this idea too. It demonstrates a different (backwards) sense of justice.

Irony is always good. You're right on the son thing... it can also be a way of slightly belittling somebody or claiming alpha male status over another male. All depends on the context and the tone used to say it. But that would take ages to put across in a script and not worth the time, so I'll cut it. Doesn't need to be there.

Quoted Text Okay. The hotel scene. You didn’t spare any details there either. Hehehehe. What did I say before about grime and gunge. Yeah. You continue this atmosphere. This is something you don’t see in a lot of movies. The oral sex scene adds another MEMORABLE moment. That said, I’m glad to see a return of these skydivers. Their intro brought up a lot of questions. I’m interested to know more about them and what they were doing on that plane earlier. It looks like Mo took something they want. And it somehow involves our politician, David. I didn’t expect this level of intricate detail regarding motives in a pulpy action thriller called Slo Mo.

Thanks. Intricate is a compliment.

Quoted Text I love it when Mo says, “I’ve got to keep moving. If I stay still, I die.” This felt like a real TRAILER MOMENT. It explains the concept very concisely. It adds a lot of URGENCY too. He can’t stop. What a welcome addition to keep this very intense.

Thanks, this was a later addition, so I'm glad it works.

Quoted Text It seems like the Sheriff and the FBI agent have come across Mo’s crime scene where he was shot in the head. I wonder if this is a good moment to reveal a bit more about what happened there. Maybe we could use a little clue without giving it all away. Also, nice suggestion with the importance of this case. Whatever secret Mo has it’s important enough to garner Federal interest. Nice work in that regard.

Excellent idea, thank you. I'll certainly use it. Thanks for the change of title idea with the first ten too, as you can see, I took your advice.

Quoted Text After some good ACTION bits, the crack-head recounts the night’s events. I enjoyed some of his DIALOGUE, especially the bit about a FLY. The adrenaline / morphine / cocaine / heroine combos add another interesting element. This development leads to some exciting VISUAL possibilities. The director would have quite a palette to work with. Plot-wise, I’m sure these drugs will become integral somewhere down the line. And it looks like Mo might be closer to getting some ANSWERS with Twanita. I’m glad someone recognizes him and we have a chance to learn more ourselves. It seems like Mo might have a dark hidden past.

Twanita is something of a red herring. You've just pointed out to me why she's there. If I lose Twanita, I lose the red herring. She's there to distract the viewer.

Quoted Text I’m not sure the flashback in the helicopter is necessary. But it was kind of funny to see what Jeff used to be like. I wonder if this could simply be mentioned in dialogue. However, if flashbacks are used later, this is a nice way to lead us into their deployment (versus coming out of nowhere).

Yeah maybe dialogue, or just a better delivery. I'll think about it thanks. It does strike me as being out of place too.

Quoted Text Wow – and the scene has an UNEXPECTED ending. I didn’t imagine Jeff killing himself. It doesn’t quite click. I assume he’s simply denying these baddies their pleasure. He takes control by pulling the trigger himself. Complex, shocking, and bold - but ultimately an uneven decision, for my liking.

I like to do the unexpected sometimes. It takes the viewer out of their comfort zone. They really don't know what's going to happen next, so stop thinking about it, sit back and enjoy it. At least, that's the hope.

Quoted Text Lots of interesting theories begin to brew. Thanks for this. I love participating in the MYSTERY.

Thank you for enjoying it. The reveal isn't all that... but I like that I've managed to keep it a secret so far.

Quoted Text I like that Charlene gets her own car chase action scene. I wonder if she should have a moment even earlier in the script since she gets a fair amount of screen time. As is, her introduction felt like it was rather late in the proceedings.

Yeah, I wanted to give the girls a chance. My scripts can be very male oriented at times. Even with this one, Charlene was originally a man.

Quoted Text Charlene should be more of a fighter. I think it’d be cool if it seemed like she might kill these guys with her bare hands. I liked her RUSE and her end though. I would say this gives more weight to my suggestion she appear earlier. Make her feel like a main character that dies. For me, it would mean this info Mo uncovered is even MORE important.

Yeah, i suppose the Charlene character does need working in better.

Quoted Text Mo sleeping makes sense - it’s been a long day, right. But I wonder how this affects his earlier statement of “if I stay still, I die”? Maybe he listens to loud music that gets his adrenaline going or burns off energy moving to (head-banging or whatever). Might be funny, might be too goofy. You decide. Hehehe.

That's a mistake. He shouldn't be sleeping. There was another incidence of him sleeping that I deleted. The must keep moving thing came last minute.

Quoted Text I like how Mo declines a coffee, but I think there’s a joke to be had and a plot point to be addressed. Maybe Sheriff says something like, “Put that away, so I can forget I ever saw it.” This way he points out the illegal activity but allows it in this extreme predicament.

Great point. I'll look into that.

Quoted Text The sheriff’s interruption felt rather forced. I wonder if there’s a better way to integrate this idea. After all, Mo has to go back “under” anyway to get more info. I am glad to see Sheriff vent some RAGE. And I’m glad he learns of Charlene. How will he react when he learns of her demise?

Another great point. I'll look over that scene again. Thanks.

Quoted Text OVERALL, this was the craziest action flick I’ve “seen” in a while. I like the surreal elements, crazy action set pieces, and dark humour. The tight pacing never lets up for a second. While this leans much more towards action, there was enough of a mystery to justify its inclusion in the thriller genre.

Thanks mate, glad you liked it. I'll take all of your points into consideration for the rewrite. Thanks also for the lengthy review, I know they can take a while to write. I'll endeavour to be just as considerate for your own script.

Slo Mo

I'm not a fan of the story, but the slow motion concept got a strong punch in my eyes.

Here are some notes. I hope some things help anyway.


"Fallows arrives in the front doorway of his house.

FALLOWS
It’s a strange story."

The moment where the fourth wall breaks a bit. Good. Cinematic telling.


"DAVID
Wow, your sisters?

JENNY
Daughters... look..."

? With "daughters" she gives the wrong answer/reaction to his bs or she's stupid which is possible of course.

Jenny didn't tell her daughters what to do when she leaves the house; or say good bye or sth..

p 16 she shivers because of the back draught, right? You can make this visual, it needed some time, for me, to understand this, because there are a lot of things happening in this sequence and I first asked myself, did she shiver because of something else...

Okay, no kids at home, but money, and that's assuaging her suspicion.

I can imagine you forgot about the kids and she just feared sb. robbed her...or it's the money from inside Mo's wallet; that said

AT THIS POINT there are many open strings.

"Mo works out in a cell..."

Hm. So, Mo was arrested, because he acts weird as a supernatural, I guess... but that's uneven anyway. Mo has still his bandage around his head, he needs help; also he didn't intervene or asks for help. Okay, it's fictional... let's see.

Okay, next scene and you're doing the above. I think you should "start" that talk on the street- Mo's moving along too passive.

The telephone rings and Knight ejaculates into Scallion’s
mouth.

Very subtle.

I thought more about a straight story. This Slo Mo concept is B-movie anyway at first sight (like street racing or "Limitless" where drugs make the prot smarter) which is not a problem at all. Handled well and executed with style it could entertain a lot and make money, I believe, and even grow up to a big summer blockbuster.

As you see, I made a lot of points by now. At p 24 I finally start to think you wrote the wrong story with the right concept. I'll read through from now on.

Okay. It's a big fierce fighting between all those characters.

I think Mo's anywhere in there, but he and his crazy skills should stand in the main focus.

As said I think it's the right concept - how you handled the slow mo angle. I applaud you to give it such an opportunity. Especially to show both ways- Either Mo sees everything in slow motion or the neutral perspective which shows him damn fast on the other side. Trailer stuff.

There was a point I asked myself if this works - p 13 - when he started to run with a double pace than normal people. So, what does it mean – is it too cartoonish... I don't think so. Double pace as normal means maybe 20% faster than Usain Bold, or slightly faster than Jackie Chan or etc.... And those visuals, plus the whole SLOW POV-concept could be great, and aesthetic.

The big point because I think it's the wrong story: The setting, the world you've drawn out. For me this is high budget stuff – it belongs to New York City or London, Rio, a fictional kind of Sin City or Shanghai (if you make it with martial arts). I think a fictional city would be the best place.

Such a concept needs more than a small village with a sheriff and a distillery and all that IMO.

Out of the rooftop jump and the private plane I see high budget stuff, and good Action of course, settled in low budget locations.

Also I think the other characters should have  much lower weight. The whole multi-million stuff would be building up and promoted on this Slo Mo stuff I guess. Or the other gangsters would have to have some similar abilities to earn the strong parts they have here.

story - not my thing
slow motion concept - quite strong

Quoted from EWall433 This was a fun one with a lot of cool ideas. I liked that it embraces its pulpier elements and just runs with it. It felt like Cranked with maybe a dash of Sin City thrown in for flavor. I could see a director having fun with the main gimmick…

I definitely had Cranked in mind when I first came up with this concept. I thought Crank was pretty original in that it is hardly used. So I wanted to do a slight variation on that.

Quoted Text Just starting in and realizing, this could almost be a superhero origin story, though maybe of the Unbreakable variety.

I realised that too as I was writing it. It's a concept with a broad range of use.

Quoted Text Pg. 5 “SCALLION: I knew. I just knew.” What did he know?

That he could make the jump. I think it would play out better if Scallion wasn't so OTN about it. I know a way to word it better in the action so this isn't as confusing though, so I'll make that fix.

Quoted Text Nice touch with Fallows drinking himself into surgery.

I like to add touches of irony whenever I can. It always draws a smile from me whenever I recognise it in a story.

Quoted Text Pg. 10 What caused the distillery to start blowing up? Stray bullet hit something?

Crater Face does it to get rid of evidence... I'll make that clearer.

Quoted Text A funny thing is happening during this scene, maybe it’s the combination of hillbillies, a sheriff and a forest distillery, but it’s playing in my head like a scene from Boardwalk Empire. I’m having to remind myself that this is modern day.

I think I psychologically do that when I thin of hillbillies, I tend to take them back in time. I find the same thing in the deprived areas of my city. It's like going back to the 80s in some parts, like they're refusing to keep pace with us. Niot saying Hillbillies are deprived monetarily, just with their fashion sense etc. Probably a stereotypical viewpoint, but I do kinda take things back in time there. Plus I pretty much just have the TV and films to go on in this respect. I much prefer to write from experience, so I'm probably out of my depth there. I tried to flip things with the chess playing.

Quoted Text Pg. 14 I don’t think I’d drive away with a stranger still at the door,even a familiar one, particularly if my children were still inside. [or maybe they were supposed to have followed her. I’d still feel weird about leaving with someone standing on my stoop, though]

Yeah, she's taking them to school, so they followed her. I'll have to make that clearer.

Quoted Text Pg. 15 “MO: How do I know it’s not you trying to kill me?” Why does he think anyone is trying to kill him? Could this have not been an accidental shooting?

You're right, it could have been.

Quoted Text Pg. 17 “SHARPELLI: You look fit enough to me.” I wonder if he’s got ulterior motives. Mo definitely needs to go to a hospital about as quick as someone could get him there.

Yeah, I need to figure that all out. It's a weak point of the story, definitely. I hate loose ends.

Quoted Text Pg. 24 The amount of characters has me doubling back a bit. Charmaine for example. I could tell he appeared because you didn’t cap his intro, but couldn’t remember where. Looking back I saw, but it’s such a quick moment I imagine it would be easy to miss the connection.

In the vomit I had only Scallion as the main antag, Knight and Charmaine were henchmen, only Charmaine was called something else and I did a search replace to change his name later and forgot to put it in uppercase.

Quoted Text Pg. 29 I think a crackhead is the perfect person to be delivering your concept exposition. It would somehow be more absurd if a doctor said it. It’s good to just throw science to the wind when you need to.

I agree. It's that irony thing again.

Quoted Text Pg. 30 Seems like Mo found Twanita by accident? I’d prefer to see him following clues. After the crackhouse it seemed like Mo started wandering again. What if he found something there that led to Twanita. Or maybe Twanita is who he ultimately finds there. It would make it less of a coincidence.

Great point, thank you.

Quoted Text Pg. 34 I’m not sure Jeff is important enough to warrant a flashback.

I didn't like it when I wrote it. I could maybe move it to just before he shoots himself in the head.

Quoted Text I’m starting to get a sense of how Knight and Scallion may interact with Mo, but if I’m right that interaction will be almost entirely backended. I think this could benefit from an interim antagonist, someone for Mo to contend with in the meantime. Maybe this exists already and it just needs focus.

David would be ideal, I suppose. I'll have to check the story again to see if that works.

Quoted Text Pg. 35 “Jeff opens the chamber, sees it is fully loaded.” He could shoot them right now.

He could, but not everyone would. Fear is a funny thing. I get your point though the gun should be tucked into his waistband just before being pushed out... avoid any questions.

Quoted Text Pg. 36 Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like Jeff had a huge advantage there. If I were him, I would’ve felt cautiously optimistic. I can’t see why he chose what he did. Although I do appreciate the effect it has on Scallion.

He knows he's not meant to win. He hasn't really got an advantage. Knight and Scallion are way too skilled.

Quoted Text Pg. 43 I have a similar problem to the end of Mo’s scene here as the crackhouse scene. He’s in a situation that promises to provide some clues as to what’s happened to him, but leaves without learning anything. It leaves him without direction and, in my eyes, without purpose. Where does he go now that could possibly be more important than going to the hospital to get that looked at?

He's learned that he has a fake address on his driving license.

Quoted Text Pg. 49 “Sharpelli’s 4x4 roars past a sign declaring, SMALL TOWN.” I imagine an actual town name was to be fitted in there.

I found it ironic to call the town, Small Town. That's its name.

Quoted Text Pg. 51 Flanders/Fallows. It seems like a long way around to have Mo start off with these two and run off, only to ultimately be back here finding his answers this way.

I'll have to think about that.

Quoted Text Pg. 55 “SHARPELLI: They’ve got Charlene.” This makes it sound as if she’s been kidnapped. Does he realize she’s actually dead?

No. He just knows she's gone.

Quoted Text Pg. 63 “MO(VO): I’m Carl Beckford, a federal agent.” I was originally confused about what Mo’s moral dilemma was, as he seemed to be up to his neck in crime anyway, but this clears it up. Clears up the dual identity as well. Nice reveal.

Thanks. I held off as long as I could. The idea was to make it appear he's a criminal.

Quoted Text I forgot who David was and had to go back. You could probably merge this guy with Charmaine’s character if you wanted. Or switch them up. Considering how they were introduced it might make more sense to have David die trying to kidnap Jenny while Charmaine watches Knight and Scallion climb a mountain.

I'll keep that in mind. Any excuse to drop characters is fine with me.

Quoted Text Pg. 66 “Mo sighs angrily, lost for words.”  Did Mo know Charlene?

No, but he feels something for Sharpelli.

Quoted Text So Mo’s amnesia seems to be gone. He knows what’s going on. I, however, still have questions. What was his original mission. Does he know anything about Scallion and Knight and their crew that we wouldn’t?

I don't like exposition. If it isn't revealed by the end of the story then I'll figure out some way of doing that.

Quoted Text Pg. 77 “KNIGHT: This place will be swarming with police... the army.” The army? I suppose this is as good a place as any to ask… what’s on the CD?

Something that's important enough for all this trouble.

Quoted Text After the scenes with Scallion and Knight skydiving to the forest and playing their games there, I would’ve liked to see them and Mo more isolated. 2 on 1, so he could honestly beat them at their own game.

I think you may be right.

Quoted Text Pg. 82  Looking through the feedback, I interpreted Scallion’s suicide differently than you intended. I looked at it as him simply reverting to cowardice. I had similar feelings when Jeff did it.

Yeah, Jeff's was done through cowardice... but I'm not sure what about Scallion's character suggests coward. I don't think one should paint with broad strokes. Obviously if one's character suggests otherwise then so must the reasons for their choices.

Quoted Text I liked the complexity in the storyline, here. In that regard it almost felt like something the Coen Brothers would dream up. But I think that it could also benefit from a larger page count. To be honest, with all the different characters, with all their own little subplots going on, this feels like a movie that wants to be closer to 120 pages than 90. Balancing all those characters might be hard though because…

It's never easy balancing a character-rich script. A part of the reason I stuck it out with this script was the challenge involve din doing so.

Quoted Text Mo should probably be the clear lead. I think any director looking to film this would be most excited by the prospect of giving all this slow motion carnage a sort of visual poetry (brain matter wafting through the air and such) so I imagine they’d want to pull the focus in on Mo. But as indicated above, I felt his story meandered a bit. I understand you didn’t want to give away too much too soon, but I‘m not sure Mo really learned anything significant on his own. I wanted to solve the movie with Mo, but felt like I was solving it apart from him. If you could get Mo’s search for answers to intersect some of these characters earlier, without giving anything away, I think it would make the whole piece stronger.

I honestly think an easier route would be to make Sharpelli the main protag. But I could strengthen the Mo character too. You make some good points that I'll take my time mulling over.

Quoted Text But overall I enjoyed this. Unique tone and energy, and a concept that should be enticing for any director looking to shoot in style. Good luck with it. Eric

Thanks mate. I appreciate the time and effort you went to for this review.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Slo Mo I'm not a fan of the story, but the slow motion concept got a strong punch in my eyes.

The first person to say this... and I agree. As you've been so perceptive, I'll impart my reasons for not fulfilling this concept in the way it deserves.... which to my mind, is a superhero origins story...

The way I saw this contest was selling a low-mid range budget... so I tried to fit the parameters of the contest around the concept. Personally, I think I've done pretty well in that regard. However in terms of fulfilling this concept's potential, I've fallen short.

Quoted Text "DAVID Wow, your sisters? JENNY Daughters... look..." ? With "daughters" she gives the wrong answer/reaction to his bs or she's stupid which is possible of course.

I disagree.

Quoted Text Jenny didn't tell her daughters what to do when she leaves the house; or say good bye or sth..

Not sure what you mean, but the kids leave the house with her. I'll make that clearer.

Quoted Text p 16 she shivers because of the back draught, right? You can make this visual, it needed some time, for me, to understand this, because there are a lot of things happening in this sequence and I first asked myself, did she shiver because of something else...

I think the scene makes it obvious what is happening. Films are not made sentence by sentence, so not everything needs to be explained like that.

Quoted Text Okay, no kids at home, but money, and that's assuaging her suspicion. I can imagine you forgot about the kids and she just feared sb. robbed her...or it's the money from inside Mo's wallet; that said

No, I didn't forget about the kids. She just dropped them at school.

Quoted Text Okay, next scene and you're doing the above. I think you should "start" that talk on the street- Mo's moving along too passive.

I'll look into it.

Quoted Text The telephone rings and Knight ejaculates into Scallion’s mouth. Very subtle.

Is it needed?

Quoted Text Okay. It's a big fierce fighting between all those characters.

I think so.

Quoted Text The big point because I think it's the wrong story: The setting, the world you've drawn out. For me this is high budget stuff – it belongs to New York City or London, Rio, a fictional kind of Sin City or Shanghai (if you make it with martial arts). I think a fictional city would be the best place.

I agree.

Quoted Text Such a concept needs more than a small village with a sheriff and a distillery and all that IMO.

I agree.

Quoted Text Also I think the other characters should have  much lower weight. The whole multi-million stuff would be building up and promoted on this Slo Mo stuff I guess. Or the other gangsters would have to have some similar abilities to earn the strong parts they have here. story - not my thing slow motion concept - quite strong

Good point.

Thanks for taking the time out to review the script. Your opinion is valued and appreciated.

Next on my list.  Will have a review for you tomorrow.

Dustin,

I've read the first 10 pages. Time is a little spent at the minute on other things.

It's drastically different from the original 10. Writing flows nicely. Characters fit. Better than the hospital as that's one thing I'm not sure I liked. The new doctor appointment seems a better fit. Still not sure how the heck Mo survives getting shot in the noggin...

Guess I'll find out.

I'll read a little more tonight. Hopefully have a review worth a damn by Friday as my words thus far ain't much to go on.

No worries mate, I've had a resurgence of the virus so I wouldn't be able to read it properly anyway.

Okay. Taken me way too long to get to this. Apologies!

Page 1: Obviously you want that big opening image, but I'm wondering if it might be worth it to add a couple moments of Jeff on the front here. We want to either follow along with Jeff as he discovers Mo, or start with a near-dead Mo in his own, silent space, and then see Jeff stumble upon him -- not have our perspective split between the two. In my opinion!

Page 2: Does he check the license here? Look at the name? It seems like he should, and if he does, it seems like we should see it.

Page 4: Mikesh's recovery of the parachute is reasonably badass, as is the fact that he's calm enough to say "bastards" when there's no chute. This feels a little jarring when we were just introduced to him sobbing like an infant. That kind of total emasculation distances us from him enough that it might be difficult to fully engage with the excitement immediately afterwards...if that concern makes sense? It's a fantastically weird scene, but my ambivalence towards Mikesh undercuts it a bit.

Page 9: The Woman adds a nice dimension of ugliness here -- the same tone as Mikesh's dribbling snot, in a way, a little bit more ugly edge than the average for this kind of flick (at least, the average of the U.S. equivalent).

Page 11: Speaking of women, you know who should be female? The Jeff character. We'll see if I change that claim as the story continues. But I think my broader point here is that I'd be pleased to see a woman around here somewhere.

Page 12: The somewhat monstrous image of Mo here (evokes Darkman, for me) is making me realize something -- it'd be great to see some early touches of personality here, like right off the bat. A little moment where we get a sense of Mo's character, right away, so we know where our allegiance is eventually going to lie in all this. Anything from whistling a long-remembered tune, to dazedly telling Jeff a joke when they first meet, to saying something unexpected when he first wakes up post-surgery.

Page 15: Oh, what? Why not keep Crater Face and Hillbilly in the back while Sharpelli hunts down Mo? I'm sure there's a reason, but it seems like a missed opportunity for some serious comedy. Plus, I'm tempted to say it makes more sense for Sharpelli to go after Mo as soon as he sees him, since he's bloody and jumping through windows.
We can probably put it together, but when we cut to Jenny's landing (here's my woman, by the way, cheers) we don't technically know where David is. Worth including a picture of Jenny and her daughters on a coffee table, or something?

Page 17: How many Hillbillies enter, here? Picturing, like, a bunch.

Page 19: Haha I'm all for serendipity, with this kind of tone, but what is Woman doing here? Did she come with the Hillbillies?

Page 22: As Mo runs away from Fallows, I'm wondering a little bit where Sharpelli is. Or, more importantly, how he parted from Mo. I'm assuming he let Mo go see Fallows on account of his good behaviour, but it might be worth giving this a line here.

Page 25: I'm really enjoying this world as it's being built, but I do feel like Mo is getting lost a bit amidst all the stuff that's going on. Because he's basically all mystery at this point, it's a little bit difficult to engage with him the same way that we engage with all the storylines we understand better (plus, he just plain hasn't done much, yet). I wonder if it'd be good to leave him one clue, right at the start, even if it's a red herring, so we get the sense that maybe he's going in a specific direction?

Page 26: Yeah. Another thing is that I just feel like Mo has way less personality than everyone around him -- part of the reason why is obvious, but he can still have a little more fun, I think. Part of the reason he's getting drowned out is that there are so many character with big, colourful personalities.

Page 27: Glad to see Mo shooting people, but I'm thinking the scene is a little gratuitous/pointless as is. We already know that Mo's got extraordinary-ish abilities, and I don't think these guys are relevant to the plot...?

Page 30: Great names in this script, by the way.

Page 34: Young-Jeff is "Young-Frank" the first time he's mentioned. I find the sudden flashback digression a little out of left field, both stylistically and narratively. All our other "flashes" belong to Mo. Maybe it's necessary, here, that we understand Scallion knows Jeff's real backstory for some reason?

Page 35: "If you didn't believe you could win..." I think this line should be the opposite? Something meaning "If you didn't believe you WOULD win"?
On a side note, if I were in a theatre, I wouldn't be able to resist yelling "Shoot them NOW!" as soon as they give Jeff the gun.

Page 41: Random thought. The slaughter of the Hillbillies could benefit from a hapless deputy getting shot up in the mix.

Page 42: Extremely abrupt entry into the action at the start of this scene. Would benefit from a couple lines or something at the front.

Page 44: Kinda missing the beat here where Charlene suddenly realizes she's in much deeper shit than just one vehicle following. Just a line or expression or whatever. Is she still taking this completely in stride, or is this out of her comfort zone now, once the trucks show up?

Page 46: Crackhead probably deserves a name, eh? He's stickin' around.

Shoot, I gotta stop. I WILL finish this tomorrow.

Page 51: Fallows is Flanders here. Sure somebody pointed that out. This scene feels very circular -- we end up with Mo back with Fallows and Sharpelli, and we realize that in all those pages he hasn't really done anything at this point that changes his relationship to either of them. Whatever happens now probably should have happened before...

Page 52: The family home seems a little too happy-family cliché, here, to me.

Page 53: I would leave the "get into my part" line for after the Girls have gotten into the car. This is a great little double-take moment, here, and it'd be good to hold off the reveal for as long as possible. Tiny thought.
Sharpelli just leaves and goes all the way back to the jailhouse? This seems like a weird moment. This scene is in the present, right? I'm assuming because it's at night. If it is present, isn't the jailhouse full of dead Hillbillies?
On a side note, cutting out of a flashback to a different location in present time seems jarring -- that's my kneejerk reaction. Have to think about this one.

Page 55: Oh wait. Actually that "get into my part" line should happen after this, too. Sharpelli's "scumbag" line should come as a potential reveal. Right now, we already know that Mo was undercover, so we can just ignore it.
The whole scene comes off as a little comical. Sharpelli storms in, wakes Mo up, is immediately placated, and Mo goes back under. Probably not really needed at all.

Page 57: Well, you introduced women, but now Charlene's dead and it's becoming increasingly clear that Jenny is a useless twit...I guess Twanita's cool, though! I mean, Charlene was too.

Page 63: He should dispatch the lump in a super cool way and look up, just off camera, for the VO declaring his name. I mean, that doesn't have to be in the script, but it's kind of a cool moment, so maybe the action line should point to this a little more?
Either way, this whole sequence, which is basically a big expository reveal, needs to build to some sort of clear climactic beat, I think. We need to see that exact moment of "I'm Carl Beckford...I need to save my family!" kinda thing.

Page 68: I was a little surprised when Sharpelli called Mo "my friend." I think this gets back to some more central issues that I've hinted at above, in the sense that we haven't necessarily seen Mo and Sharpelli go through all that much together, though they've both saved each other's lives and so on. With no room for either of them to breathe and just talk to each other like people, it's hard to imagine that they really feel much closer to each other now than they did earlier on. We still don't really know either of them. They've seen each other go through a lot, but they haven't really been aligned on a mission at any point. Maybe Sharpelli should stick with Mo a little more during the first half of the script...like, they're both on the run together, kind of thing? Anyway, if their relationship is kind of a central one in the movie, I think it needs a little more space for quiet moments, as well as the big ones.

Thoughts:

Well my notes totally faded out during the third act, which is a good sign.

There's a lot of world building going on here, and to a certain extent I think it interferes with the main plot. I mentioned earlier on that I was concerned with Mo potentially getting lost in a world of characters that are more interesting than him for much of the runtime. I think in a way this is the biggest issue -- giving Mo stuff to do before the answers to his identity are revealed. As I mentioned when we got to the scene, the hypnosis seems a little odd, and makes the flick seem a little redundant, when these characters could have just done this fifty pages earlier.

I think Mo needs to take a more active role in figuring out the secret of who he is, and as well, I think that he needs an opportunity to brush shoulders with some of the bad guys earlier on in the film -- not necessarily directly, but enough that we get a sense of rising conflict between the good guys and the bad. For a lot of the runtime, there isn't necessarily a direct opposition between Mo and any of the bad guys -- there's a lot of mystery, and all of the reveals are good and the supporting characters' scenes are all engaging, but there's not a lot of the back and forth that typically characterizes the lead-up to an action film's third act.

As I think you sort of mentioned, this script could definitely just use a bit more breathing room for everyone, and I think you're obviously comfortable in that respect because all the characters are people that we want to know more about. There's a wacky ensemble thing going on, which will work really well as long as it's balanced. Scallion and Knight are definitely the standouts, but I don't think they overshadow things too much.

Mo felt pretty one-note by my reading. It's always tricky with characters that don't have a ton to base their personality on -- no memory, no backstory, no friends, etc. -- but I definitely think that it' be nice to see a bit of humour from him, or some odd little traits, or...just anything, really. There's kind of a normative-beautiful-middle-class-family-vs.-perverted-weirdos-of-all-sorts feel to the general dynamics of the film, but the normative family is definitely in danger of seeming too vanilla, to me. Seeing some zip in the personalities of Carl and Jenny, even while they're apart, would definitely help this out.

The tone is part of what really sells this one. The edge to it is perfect, and it walks the line nicely, staying breezy but never feeling too light for the violence to have a little oomph to it. I think you've captured whatever this sub-genre would be called well, and that's really working for you.

I may return with more thoughts later, but either way, this was a fast, enjoyable read that would benefit a lot from fleshed-out characters and a slightly more engaging protagonist, both in terms of personality and, more so, narrative. Good stuff.

Quoted from Heretic Okay. Taken me way too long to get to this. Apologies!

No worries. It's been well worth it now you have.

Quoted Text Page 1: Obviously you want that big opening image, but I'm wondering if it might be worth it to add a couple moments of Jeff on the front here. We want to either follow along with Jeff as he discovers Mo, or start with a near-dead Mo in his own, silent space, and then see Jeff stumble upon him -- not have our perspective split between the two. In my opinion!

Yep, sounds logical.

Quoted Text Page 2: Does he check the license here? Look at the name? It seems like he should, and if he does, it seems like we should see it.

He does check it, but I figured that I should save it for the reveal.

Code Page 4: Mikesh's recovery of the parachute is reasonably badass, as is the fact that he's calm enough to say "bastards" when there's no chute. This feels a little jarring when we were just introduced to him sobbing like an infant. That kind of total emasculation distances us from him enough that it might be difficult to fully engage with the excitement immediately afterwards...if that concern makes sense? It's a fantastically weird scene, but my ambivalence towards Mikesh undercuts it a bit.

OK, I'm always prepared to drop dialogue. I think a simple look here would say it all anyway. Thanks.

Quoted Text Page 9: The Woman adds a nice dimension of ugliness here -- the same tone as Mikesh's dribbling snot, in a way, a little bit more ugly edge than the average for this kind of flick (at least, the average of the U.S. equivalent).

Yeah, I was very aware when writing her that I was in danger of this flick getting a little too masculine. As in not enough female characters. The ones that are in are treated as inconsequential or whores. I tried to make up for it later in the script.

Quoted Text Page 11: Speaking of women, you know who should be female? The Jeff character. We'll see if I change that claim as the story continues. But I think my broader point here is that I'd be pleased to see a woman around here somewhere.

Not sure on that one, mate.

Quoted Text Page 12: The somewhat monstrous image of Mo here (evokes Darkman, for me) is making me realize something -- it'd be great to see some early touches of personality here, like right off the bat. A little moment where we get a sense of Mo's character, right away, so we know where our allegiance is eventually going to lie in all this. Anything from whistling a long-remembered tune, to dazedly telling Jeff a joke when they first meet, to saying something unexpected when he first wakes up post-surgery.

Yeah, whenever I approached the Mo character it was with kid gloves. Not wanting to ruin the mystery. I definitely went too far with that.

Quoted Text Page 15: Oh, what? Why not keep Crater Face and Hillbilly in the back while Sharpelli hunts down Mo? I'm sure there's a reason, but it seems like a missed opportunity for some serious comedy. Plus, I'm tempted to say it makes more sense for Sharpelli to go after Mo as soon as he sees him, since he's bloody and jumping through windows.

Yeah I struggled with that one for a while. You're right, I think it does make more sense your way.

Quoted Text We can probably put it together, but when we cut to Jenny's landing (here's my woman, by the way, cheers) we don't technically know where David is. Worth including a picture of Jenny and her daughters on a coffee table, or something?

Yeah, I see what you mean. I think a quick shot of he disappearing out the back door will do it.

Quoted Text Page 17: How many Hillbillies enter, here? Picturing, like, a bunch.

I'll clarify that.

Quoted Text Page 19: Haha I'm all for serendipity, with this kind of tone, but what is Woman doing here? Did she come with the Hillbillies?

Yeah, she kinda just emerges from nowhere. In an earlier draft I had her in the cells with the others... but she never did anything wrong so I couldn't justify her being there... so I sneakily let her go. Yeah, I know it's weak and needs clarifying.

Quoted Text Page 22: As Mo runs away from Fallows, I'm wondering a little bit where Sharpelli is. Or, more importantly, how he parted from Mo. I'm assuming he let Mo go see Fallows on account of his good behaviour, but it might be worth giving this a line here.

Thanks I'll figure that out too.

Quoted Text Page 25: I'm really enjoying this world as it's being built, but I do feel like Mo is getting lost a bit amidst all the stuff that's going on. Because he's basically all mystery at this point, it's a little bit difficult to engage with him the same way that we engage with all the storylines we understand better (plus, he just plain hasn't done much, yet). I wonder if it'd be good to leave him one clue, right at the start, even if it's a red herring, so we get the sense that maybe he's going in a specific direction?

Yep, definitely. That's a great idea. Thank you.

Quoted Text Page 26: Yeah. Another thing is that I just feel like Mo has way less personality than everyone around him -- part of the reason why is obvious, but he can still have a little more fun, I think. Part of the reason he's getting drowned out is that there are so many character with big, colourful personalities.

I think a part of it is that... but only in the sense that Mo isn't as colourful. That was the reason I added the gun battle with the gangmembers. I was trying to just show enough to keep people happy... but I can see that I need to show much more.

Quoted Text Page 34: Young-Jeff is "Young-Frank" the first time he's mentioned. I find the sudden flashback digression a little out of left field, both stylistically and narratively. All our other "flashes" belong to Mo. Maybe it's necessary, here, that we understand Scallion knows Jeff's real backstory for some reason?

I felt we deserved to know his backstory... perhaps a flashback was too much on this occasion.

Quoted Text Page 35: "If you didn't believe you could win..." I think this line should be the opposite? Something meaning "If you didn't believe you WOULD win"? On a side note, if I were in a theatre, I wouldn't be able to resist yelling "Shoot them NOW!" as soon as they give Jeff the gun.

I agree it can sometimes help a story if characters don't behave in the way we want or expect them to. In regards to his line, that's just how it came out while writing.

Quoted Text Page 41: Random thought. The slaughter of the Hillbillies could benefit from a hapless deputy getting shot up in the mix.

Yeah, good idea.

Quoted Text Page 42: Extremely abrupt entry into the action at the start of this scene. Would benefit from a couple lines or something at the front.

I'll look into that, thanks.

Quoted Text Page 44: Kinda missing the beat here where Charlene suddenly realizes she's in much deeper shit than just one vehicle following. Just a line or expression or whatever. Is she still taking this completely in stride, or is this out of her comfort zone now, once the trucks show up?

I'll look into that. Originally this was a male part and different things happened. I know there is a lot that needs cleaning up in this script.

Quoted Text Page 46: Crackhead probably deserves a name, eh? He's stickin' around.

That crossed my mind too, but then I thought it would be a shame to ruin him with a name. He's not really that important a character, just the guy I created to impart the science information, but he also adds a little light relief.

Thanks mate... I'll get onto part two later.

Quoted from Heretic Page 51: Fallows is Flanders here. Sure somebody pointed that out. This scene feels very circular -- we end up with Mo back with Fallows and Sharpelli, and we realize that in all those pages he hasn't really done anything at this point that changes his relationship to either of them. Whatever happens now probably should have happened before...

Yeah, Frank was his original name and I think it was almost stereotypical for a tramp.

Quoted Text Page 52: The family home seems a little too happy-family cliché, here, to me.

Yeah, OK. I'll clear that up.

Quoted Text Page 53: I would leave the "get into my part" line for after the Girls have gotten into the car. This is a great little double-take moment, here, and it'd be good to hold off the reveal for as long as possible. Tiny thought.

Thanks, I'll steal that.

Quoted Text Sharpelli just leaves and goes all the way back to the jailhouse? This seems like a weird moment. This scene is in the present, right? I'm assuming because it's at night. If it is present, isn't the jailhouse full of dead Hillbillies?

Yeah, I figured he had time to remove the bodies at some point. Although that definitely needs cleaning up.

Quoted Text Page 55: Oh wait. Actually that "get into my part" line should happen after this, too. Sharpelli's "scumbag" line should come as a potential reveal. Right now, we already know that Mo was undercover, so we can just ignore it. The whole scene comes off as a little comical. Sharpelli storms in, wakes Mo up, is immediately placated, and Mo goes back under. Probably not really needed at all.

Yeah that was hastily cleaned up from the last draft where Mo was woken and that was it. You're right I need to get that part cleaned up too.

Quoted Text Page 57: Well, you introduced women, but now Charlene's dead and it's becoming increasingly clear that Jenny is a useless twit...I guess Twanita's cool, though! I mean, Charlene was too.

Yeah, I really tried to up the female ante in this. I'm usually very female aware, but for some reason this one got away from me for a while. Even Charlene was a guy called Vincent in the first draft. In the horror feature I'm writing at the moment, the main parts go to the girls, so I'm making up for it.

Quoted Text Page 63: He should dispatch the lump in a super cool way and look up, just off camera, for the VO declaring his name. I mean, that doesn't have to be in the script, but it's kind of a cool moment, so maybe the action line should point to this a little more?

Thanks, I'll look into that.

Quoted Text Either way, this whole sequence, which is basically a big expository reveal, needs to build to some sort of clear climactic beat, I think. We need to see that exact moment of "I'm Carl Beckford...I need to save my family!" kinda thing.

Yep, I definitely need to smooth that over.

Quoted Text Page 68: I was a little surprised when Sharpelli called Mo "my friend." I think this gets back to some more central issues that I've hinted at above, in the sense that we haven't necessarily seen Mo and Sharpelli go through all that much together, though they've both saved each other's lives and so on. With no room for either of them to breathe and just talk to each other like people, it's hard to imagine that they really feel much closer to each other now than they did earlier on. We still don't really know either of them. They've seen each other go through a lot, but they haven't really been aligned on a mission at any point. Maybe Sharpelli should stick with Mo a little more during the first half of the script...like, they're both on the run together, kind of thing? Anyway, if their relationship is kind of a central one in the movie, I think it needs a little more space for quiet moments, as well as the big ones.

Thanks. I definitely see your logic here. I'll have to analyse the hell out of the script and look for ways to weave that in.

Quoted Text There's a lot of world building going on here, and to a certain extent I think it interferes with the main plot. I mentioned earlier on that I was concerned with Mo potentially getting lost in a world of characters that are more interesting than him for much of the runtime. I think in a way this is the biggest issue -- giving Mo stuff to do before the answers to his identity are revealed. As I mentioned when we got to the scene, the hypnosis seems a little odd, and makes the flick seem a little redundant, when these characters could have just done this fifty pages earlier.

Yeah, there is a way around that. By making the doctor reluctant to do it. Maybe his last patient died or something. The doc will need to be forced to do it. Thanks for pointing out the weakness.

Quoted Text I think Mo needs to take a more active role in figuring out the secret of who he is, and as well, I think that he needs an opportunity to brush shoulders with some of the bad guys earlier on in the film -- not necessarily directly, but enough that we get a sense of rising conflict between the good guys and the bad. For a lot of the runtime, there isn't necessarily a direct opposition between Mo and any of the bad guys -- there's a lot of mystery, and all of the reveals are good and the supporting characters' scenes are all engaging, but there's not a lot of the back and forth that typically characterizes the lead-up to an action film's third act.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I'm sure I can patch something in to make the transitions easier.

Quoted Text As I think you sort of mentioned, this script could definitely just use a bit more breathing room for everyone, and I think you're obviously comfortable in that respect because all the characters are people that we want to know more about. There's a wacky ensemble thing going on, which will work really well as long as it's balanced. Scallion and Knight are definitely the standouts, but I don't think they overshadow things too much.

I definitely have pages to play with so can't see any problems cementing the relationships a little better.

Quoted Text Mo felt pretty one-note by my reading. It's always tricky with characters that don't have a ton to base their personality on -- no memory, no backstory, no friends, etc. -- but I definitely think that it' be nice to see a bit of humour from him, or some odd little traits, or...just anything, really. There's kind of a normative-beautiful-middle-class-family-vs.-perverted-weirdos-of-all-sorts feel to the general dynamics of the film, but the normative family is definitely in danger of seeming too vanilla, to me. Seeing some zip in the personalities of Carl and Jenny, even while they're apart, would definitely help this out.

OK thanks. Great advice.

Quoted Text The tone is part of what really sells this one. The edge to it is perfect, and it walks the line nicely, staying breezy but never feeling too light for the violence to have a little oomph to it. I think you've captured whatever this sub-genre would be called well, and that's really working for you. I may return with more thoughts later, but either way, this was a fast, enjoyable read that would benefit a lot from fleshed-out characters and a slightly more engaging protagonist, both in terms of personality and, more so, narrative. Good stuff.

Thanks a lot. You've seen right to the heart of the story and pointed out its every flaw. I'll be coming back to this review when it comes time to rewrite this. I doubt it's a competition winner and I wouldn't like to make it myself... I'd have to try sending it out to people etc which is something I generally don't bother to do. I've only just started entering competitions.

I suppose it does have a unique selling point that may be attractive to somebody. Maybe I should give it a whirl.

Thanks for bringing this back up, I'd forgotten about it.

*spoliers*

Solid script. It was written well, enjoyable prose -

"The ground opens up and Mo is enveloped, the clock tower rescinding quickly till just a speck on a darkened horizon."

The whole dream sequence starting around that line on P. 51 was great - Flanders threw me off - but I thought it was a clever way to navigate the mystery.  Not to get too tech, but I thought dropping the VO's might've been an interesting way for Mo to break the fourth wall during the sequence, but then again it's a clarity thing and I'm sure a director could discern that approach.

Even though Mo's involvement in the story is consistent, I'd recommend giving him more stake in it. I was still turning pages thanks to Sharpelli, whose character I liked, but the story would've benifited by more 1st act Mo in the 2nd act.

I though Jeff's character was just a throw-away at first, but you kept him hanging in there. Oddly, it never felt he overstayed his welcome.

So when we get to Sharpelli at the distillery, it goes like a scene from Justified. From there the scenes are woven great - you did a great job in pacing this world from beginning to almost end, an end that was wildly rushed IMO. There were a few head scratchers too, from David's death to Cheryl and Niamh climbing into the back of a hillbily trailer.

Scaillon and Knight, lol. Obviously it was one of my favorite scenes, mostly because it comes out of nowhere. It was a fun wedge in the story. I liked the sequences jumping out of the helicopter, almost most dangerous game territory, I'm guessing that's the bulk when budget's concerned. Or not, I'm sure there's ways around it. Those two talking about "winning" seems to warrant more subtext or motivation. I thought getting Mo wrapped up in this type of sequence in the end would be a great way to finish. Kinda beating them at their own game. But the ending tapered off and didn't feel resolved really. Blowing his own brains out did seem appropriate though.

Mo scarfing down drugs, coupled with that bizarre sex scene and the insane gunfights, set the tone for your story. Mo gives off that vibe of protags like Jason Statham.

Good job, Dustin. It's an impressive first draft.

Johnny

Cheers mate I think there are some good scenes in this but I don't feel I quite nailed it. I know what you mean about the ending and I wanted to do the 'beat them at their own game' thing but I ran out of time. I only had 5 weeks as I was away on holiday and this was a rewrite. I just about had time to make the plot cohesive to be honest. I'm usually excellent with deadlines but this one slipped away from me. Not one of my best efforts, probably wouldn't place in a comp.

Thanks for the tips, should the mood ever take me for a rewrite on this they will come in handy.


New logline: A man is capable of moving at twice normal speed after being shot in the head and he uses his new found talent against two, thrill-seeking hitmen in an effort to find out who he is.