From the Mirror by Maurice Samuel Devaraj - Short, Horror - Mirrors act as portals to a man with a knife and a thirst for blood. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Maurice,

I like the story here but there are a few things in this which didn't help with the flow.

"Sharon watches as Paul stands up. Takes off his
clothes, rummages (Off-screen maybe) in his bags, comes
up with a towel and a bar/bottle of soap."

Not sure what the bracketed off-screen maybe is all about?
bar/bottle of soap which is it?

"And it’s no ordinary dagger. The blades open and close
like a pair of scissors. It is a gutting dagger, which
after stabbing, is opened and pulled out so that it
pulls out the victim’s guts."

No need for this detail of what a gutting dagger is, I would recommend losing most of this if not all of it. Just tell us plain and simple he holds a gutting dagger.
  
"And a man standing in the mirror. He has a gothic look
about him, his hair in spikes, bar and ring piercings
everywhere. He is bare chested with tattoos of skulls,
grotesques and gargoyles, anti-Christ images, serpents
and weird beasts all over his smooth skin. He seems to
wear something like a breechcloth."

I have no issues when it comes to describing a character but I feel this is either too much or could be written better, plus he has smooth skin? I can't help but visualize that this gothic guy moisturizes.

"In Sharon’s hand, the 911 operator’s voice can be
heard. Tinny and small."

Tinny and small?

"And then the same dagger that we saw in Paul’s room
pierces the door, this time, covered in blood."

I feel you may have rushed this sentence, try to avoid using the word "we" in your script.
I'm guessing that the knife pierced Sharon's door?

You have a good story here, I could visualize what was on the page, it's just a bit messy in areas.
In my opinion I would lose the part when Sharon jokes about the guy in the mirror, it's a spoiler in my eyes.

Hope this helps, good luck with this

Lee

Hi Maurice,

If you have a scene title that says Unfurnished room you don't need to repeat it in the action and then go on to describe how it is unfurnished.

As Lee's already mentioned you can cut back on the too specific stuff to help the flow. The action blocks are way too long.  

And I'd cut out the maybes. You don't see actors maybe holding a bag or maybe going off screen.

The video conversation doesn't seem natural. He calls her and tells her he's tired, she tells him to get some sleep and call back later but he doesn't. He says he needs a shower but then says he's taking a bath and she asks him to leave the cam on; why? It makes little sense. It's obvious you want this webcam on as a major part of this story but it feels forced in there so far.

Page 5 - "He gets up to do." - What?

Sharon's joke has backfired, but because she's been so specific with the joke that's now become real it feels unnatural and forced - an obvious set-up.

And now the killer has crawled through a tiny bathroom mirror. Bathroom mirrors tend to be small unless you are rich or have an enormous....ego. You do mention the mirror earlier, which is good, but do not allude to the size. If you do have a huge mirror in the bathroom though it will be like screaming out to the audience "The bad guy's gonna come through this later!".

You don't end a script with The End.  

A decent idea inspired by the found footage type horror flicks no doubt but needs tidying up a lot. Also the setup needs a rethink in my opinion. However this could be spooky and atmospheric so keep  going with it.

Regards.

Mark