Blind Courage by April Miller - Action, Adventure - When Sharon Peters finds a lost seeing-eye dog in the Alaskan Wilderness, she is soon up to her neck in trouble, for unknown to her, hidden in its collar is the evidence needed to bring down a multi-million dollar embezzlement scheme: and the thief will stop at nothing to get it. 100 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi April and congrats on writing a feature.

It's no easy feat. as I read the first page, I wanted to chime in on some things that might help you with the rest of the script.

I truly hope you chime in and stick around. Your writing is good.

There just some fundamentals you need to work on in order to get this story formatted correctly.

let's work on the first page and if you show up, we ca go from there. Fair? Cool!



EXT. PUGET SOUND, SEATTLE - DAY

FROM OVERHEAD,

A large house is situated on the banks of the Puget
Sound. Next to the dock that stands over the water, a sea
plane is sitting, ready.

You have a confusing setup here with the opening action line.
Is there a reason you are using camera angles? No need.

You also use some wording that makes me stop as a reader to ask what it is you are trying to get across--

such as--

Next to the dock that stands over the water, a sea
plane is sitting, ready.

A dock standing over water is overkill. As is a seaplane standing ready.

Cut the overhead and pull the fluff out of this and you get--



EXT. PUGET SOUND, SEATTLE - DAY

A large house overlooks the banks of the Puget Sound. A plane sets moored to the lakeside dock.


Remember, keep it clean and simple. Too much fluff slows down a reader. The next block is a great example.

At this point, transition to the walkway with a slug, drop the passive verbiage and cut the over-information.--


EXT. WALKWAY - DAY

JACOB LOWERY, his wife, SARA and two children, CHARLES (15) AND JESSIE (13) walk towards the plane.

Jacob's led by a large German Shepherd guide dog named TROJAN. Near the plane, he turns and kisses his wife good-bye. The PILOT holds the door open.

Trojan jumps in followed by Jacob. The pilot climbs in and closes the door. The plane taxis across the water and takes to the air.


EXT. PLANE - LATER

The plane flies over the ocean towards Seattle.


It's all about quick easy eye snacks of information. Fast in, fast out. A writer once said, when writing a scene, arrive late and leave early.

Don't over set up a scene. Give the bare basics and let the characters build the story.

I think you have great writing potential, April.

let's cut some of the fat and see what this story holds.

Shawn.....><

April,

Shawn is right on. Directing a script is a big no no; unless you are directing the film yourself. Action is too passive.  I like the premise. you have something interesting; it's just getting past the finer details of writing for the screen. Best of luck.


Lono

Thank you, everyone.  The only frustrating part about learning to write a script is that every source has a different criteria.  The only thing that has been consistent is the inconsistency.  I will make the changes you mentioned.  Thank you for the feedback.

Quoted from AprilM Thank you, everyone.  The only frustrating part about learning to write a script is that every source has a different criteria.  The only thing that has been consistent is the inconsistency.  I will make the changes you mentioned.  Thank you for the feedback.

I struggle all of these things as well. When all is said and done it's the story that matters. You're not  writing a thesis, If you have an amazing story that flows properly with interesting characters the format and grammar can always be fixed with re-writes, It's the concept that matters. I think encouragement is the most important thing a person can have. Don't give up! Have fun with it.

@April,

Okay, I read this a week or so ago, just now getting around to posting my notes. Usually if I open a feature -- whether it's my cup of tea or not -- I'll atleast read the first act.  But here, I read to page 45.   I'm writing this on the fly, so forgive my errors...

You got some good things going here. First, you did a nice job with a lot of your character descriptions.  Nothing dull or boring, we give the actors something to work with.  So hats off.  Your premises is interesting, and you do have some writing chops for sure.   Having said that...

You have this under action/Adventure, and maybe it'll turn out to be - but at the moment it feels like a drama. I mean, outside the plane crash , not too much action.  Jacob seems like a nice character.  You spend a lot of time with him initially, yeah, yeah, the set-up and all, but as I read further -- Clearly Sharon's your main protag.  Unfortunately we don't get to see her until page#18.   No, I'm not saying it's too late -- but if It were me, I'd probably try and get her in much sooner, but I will say this...

The plane crash happens around page#17.   In the grand scheme of things it probably doesn't matter, but I would make a suggestion -- in later drafts look at the possibility of moving it further up, if anything, to get your story moving much faster, but regardless...

From your logline, that's the heart of your story -- Sharon and Trojan, yet she doesn't find him until page#37.  JMHO  It's just too late in the ball game.  I'd consider getting them together much sooner, atleast by the end of ACT 1.  Like I said earlier -- to get your story moving faster.   After the plane went down... the next 17 pages or so -- is pretty much all about Sharon helping Kendrick, struggling with his blindness, and of course, what seems like a developing love story between these two... which makes for a good sub plot, but in the end,  and based on your logline I'd really consider getting them together as soon as possible...

Not to mention when Kendrick meets Trojan -- our seeing-eye dog begins to turn the tide for Kendrick.  I think it bolds well for your scripts. so -- it makes even more sense to have Sharon find Trojan rather sooner than later.  Something to think about.

Oh, I wanted to mention -- page#32???? This is a feature, ACT 1 varies from script to script, anywhere between page 25 and some go as high as page#36.  I could see if you were writing a TV series... but here, you don't need to write ACT TWO BEGINS, most readers will be able to tell when ACT 1 ends and ACT 11 begins.

You've got a couple of minor formatting issues, and some grammical errors, but those are easily fixed in the coming rewrites.    But the script is not without its problems.  I see you're new here, so I won't go into those until you show back up and hopefully participate.

Some parting thoughts...  and I cannot stress it enough -- the two most common rookie style mistakes are some version of overwriting - and the other is under writing.  It's tough, but you have to find the right balance -- what works for you.  As long as it doesn't strip away your voice from the page to where your writing ends up or comes off blank, bland, generic...

...and at the end of the day it matters far less how many words you use, than if you are using the right words.

All feedback is very subjective.  Listen to reoccurring notes. If everyone's telling you it's cold, then it's probably a better idea to grab a coat.  Don't be stupid or arrogant, but do take all notes and give them time to resonate, and avoid knee-jerk rewriting.  I mean, If you don't like the note, don't do it.  Use what you can and trash the rest.   In the end, it's your screenplay.  So write your story your way.  And you have a lot of screenwriting tools at your disposal -- if you need them -- use them.  Focus on telling a great story.  Time, patients, research, and reading pro scripts. Eventually you'll figure your way through all the bullshit.

I don't post much, but I'm always around, reading, checking things out, and not too much escapes me.  If you become more active, then I'll finish as time allows.  Any question,  just let me know.  

Good Luck,

Ghostie..