The Brightest Star - Print Topic

Lee, try 40s instead of (40's) it does the job just as well.

SPOILERS BELOW

His wife MARY lays in bed helpless as a slow decaying illness
takes away her life.

It's 'lies' in bed, btw - present tense, (common mistake) but apart from this you'll do better to actually 'show' us instead of telling us i.e., if Mary has cancer she will probably have no or little hair, sunken cheeks and eyes, pallor/emaciated etc. On screen that's what we'll see - you'd need subtitles otherwise. There's no description really of any of your characters apart from age. That wouldn't worry me too much had you delivered on the ending - more on that later.

'One book is opened, she was once in the middle of reading it'.
You don't need the latter part of that description - once again it's 'telling'. It's enough of a visual that the audience see the astronomy books piled up around her.

I like 'a whisper of a smile... ' that's a nice visual.

'reads her gift' - 'as she reads' is enough - we'll see what it is she's reading.

The thing about micro shorts is that they need to impact on your audience. Your story needs a punchline at the very least. This is a nice sentimental snapshot of three character's lives but it reads more like an advertisement for something - perhaps a funeral service or insurance company - i.e., 'cherish those special moments' etc. I don't like to be harsh but I was waiting for some kind of reveal or twist or shock but it never eventuated.

You've managed to evoke some nice imagery but you need to give us a bit more of a fully fledged story. One of the hardest parts of storytelling is in coming up with a satisfying ending for your audience - something we don't see coming. I have trouble enough myself coming up with nifty denouements - perhaps someone else, hopefully, will chime in with a suggestion. Keep at it.

LC and Anthony,
Thank you both for the read and comments.

I was writing this and could see there was something missing but couldn't put my finger on it. Brain freeze I guess. It's obvious now thanks to your comments.

I've sent a new draft so hopefully it should be up soon.

Many Thanks.

I'll wait for the new draft.

Lee

Sweet but nothing really to it. Usually something this short tend to go for a punch line to surprise, horrify, amuse, etc but this is just about a father and son buying a star for their dying wife/mother..and that’s it.

I didn't know you could do that so I guess I learned something ;)

Not much else to add, sorry.

Col.

Hi Col,

Thanks for your comments. I have done another draft to this so hopefully it will be posted soon.

Lee

I read this when it was originally posted, I see a revised draft has been added today. My mind boggles though, looks exactly like I remember it.

As with the posters above, this also falls flat for me. It feels so mediocre that it's bad. As LC said, I can only see this as an advert for something. While it depends on what it would be advertising, it would probably come off as cheap pushing on people's emotions to buy said product/services.

There's definitely something missing. A good chunk of the beginning, I'd say. Maybe lose the micro-short idea and start before the father and son get the idea to get Mary a star? She's getting weaker and weaker, slowly drifting away. Some reason causes one of them to want to do something good for her before she goes. Maybe guiltyness for not being around, shying away from taking care of her unable to cope with her disease, add some conflict. So they look at the sky and knowing her interest in astronomy decide to get a star named after her, perhaps some more conflict there... maybe she starts to fade away before they manage to do that?

Just some ideas there, while I think you need to spice up the story the same is with the dialogue. Try to add some influental memorable lines that stand out? Good luck.

Some nitpicks:

Quoted Text

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT (LATER)

I don't think you do not need the night. If the last scene was night and you put later, that should indicate the time of the day hasn't changed.

Quoted Text

Maryďż˝s eyes slowly open, she
barely has the energy to respond.

Barely has the energy to respond sounds off here as she has no lines of dialogue. Rather just say that she doesn't have enough energy to respond.

- DS

Hi DS,

Thanks for the comment always much appreciated. I have looked at the draft that is posted and I submitted the wrong one, it's missing a scene. Sorry.

However, this is a simple story of comforting a young child after losing a loved one. Telling him a cute story that his mother will always be watching him.
I don't feel as if i need to add any conflict or more drama to this subject, I think the story should be kept simple to deliver a simple message. This is my memory that I went through . It may not have that punch that everyone is after but for me I really didn't want to over do it.

Lee

I think what's missing here is the earlier description that Mary is ill. There's no hint of that while she's playing with her son on the floor. I think that's the point, isn't it? Mary is terminally ill? I had to double back and read through again, because the way you've written it she suddenly appears ill from nowhere. I honestly feel this needs to be established right away.

Code

James begins to colour black around the globe.

I'm not going to say never use them, but 'begins' and 'starts' are often unnecessary.

I think also that the conversation about the stars should be done solely by the Mother. The Father butting in takes something away from the ending, in my opinion.

Code

nobs

Knobs.

Code

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT (LATER)

No need for the LATER. Especially as this is actually a new night.

Aside from that, it's all good. A nice, sweet little tale. Nice work, mate.

Hey Dustin,

Thanks for your comments. Your right, the illness is not obvious and it probably should be, I will work this into the other draft, which is not this one. Thanks for pointing out the mistakes. Your comments are always appreciated.

Lee

Lee

I know you want to withhold the reveal of Mary being ill until the last line on the first page but I wonder could there be some indication in her demeanour of appearance suggesting her ill-health which only becomes fully apparent until that line.

Speaking of that particular line, would Paul say “medication”? I’d imagine they’d have some kind of shorthand way of referring to it by now. A simple “it’s time” or a nod upon hearing his watch alarm. Especially in front of James who probably wouldn’t understand it anyway but still, best to keep that word off his radar as much as possible as he’s gonna pick up on it sooner or later and ask questions.

Again, I understand you want to feed us the reveal of Mary’s illness but I think we can gather this during the subsequent scenes without explicitly saying “medication.”

I liked the inclusion of the drawing and James’s addition of the extra star, a poignant touch.

However, I was a little thrown by the end in that are we to believe Mary just died there and then? If so, why wasn’t James allowed to see where while she was alive? Was this Mary’s request? Not wanting her son to see her so weakened and sickly, thinking it would be too traumatic.

Anyway, I do like the changes you made here, quite touching and sad for a 3 pager which is a credit to your economical storytelling. And once again, who knew you could purchase stars! ;)

Col.

Hi col.

Thanks for the comments, much appreciated as always.

Referring to the word "medication" I did initially just use the short term "meds".
As Mary's illness has not yet taken a toll on her appearance I thought using the whole word would be more clear.

I did also think the beeping sound of the watch might be enough with just pure action to describe the situation but again, I felt words would be more touching and clear.
The situation is blatantly in front of James because I wanted this beeping to come across as a action that has been continuous in the past, I didn't want the parents to be hiding something from their son. They sure didn't with me.

The reason why James did not see his mother at the end was because he was in bed, it's not that he wasn't allowed it was just becasue he was simply asleep.

This is what happened to me very recently, my father had no signs of illness until the last week when he was bedridden, then over night he just passed away. I understand the signs of illness may need to be shown but in reality there wasn't any for me. I wanted to make this 3 pager as accurate as possible.

Lee

Hi Lee - gave this a read. I can understand your wish for accuracy, but this does need something more to it.

To make an engaging story you either need interesting events, or you need to make events interesting, and you've achieved neither here.

You may as well have ditched the script, and simply posted what happened re. you father.

What we need here is someone that we can empathise or engage with, and I'd suggest that would have to be Paul, as he is going on a life changing journey - losing his wife, becoming a single dad, dealing with his son losing his mother -- that's all quite epic to take on board, but I don't feel that we ever really connect with either Paul or his relationship with James.

To be honest, I'd pretty much take Mary out of it, save for maybe a couple of brief references, quick shots etc and focus on the people who are dealing with it all.

Thanks for your comments but I feel as if you have missed the message here.

It's a simple story of telling a young boy that your loved ones will always be looking over you.
I don't feel as if I need to go into great depth with characters and how they will deal with the aftermath, it would be unnecessary for this short.

"You may as well have ditched the script, and simply posted what happened re. you father".

This may be true, but then it would just be a story in the paper, why not transform it into a short? Surely events like this inspire writers to write, so I think your wrong there.

Quoted from LeeOConnor

Thanks for your comments but I feel as if you have missed the message here.

Hi Lee. No, the message is very simple, but read on...

Quoted from LeeOConnor

It's a simple story of telling a young boy that your loved ones will always be looking over you.

I agree, and that is not the problem.

Quoted from LeeOConnor

I don't feel as if I need to go into great depth with characters and how they will deal with the aftermath, it would be unnecessary for this short.

I completely agree, and that is not the problem. Here, you have not gone into any depth, and that is the problem. Read on...

Quoted from LeeOConnor

"You may as well have ditched the script, and simply posted what happened re. you father". This may be true, but then it would just be a story in the paper, why not transform it into a short?

The question is, what in transforming it into a script gives it something that having read it in a paper, it does not have? There's no doubt that it would draw empathy from readers, but this is the point. You are not adding to the narrative by reforming it in a script form, so where you are not adding to it in this form, why translate it to that form? You gain nothing aside from retelling.

Quoted from LeeOConnor

Surely events like this inspire writers to write, so I think your wrong there.

I am correct here, because inspiring writers to write is only part of the journey. The rest is connecting with the people that read. You are wrong because you did not emotionally involve us in the story, and you are holding back from your emotional involvement in what happened. Like it or not, everybody saw how this rang flat. Like it not, everybody saw how you did not emotionally involved us with what happened here. I do not believe that you have emotionally connected with this piece because you have not emotionally connected with the events. Writing ain't easy, because you give of yourself, and that's what you haven't done here.

That is their comments you can see from a previous draft. Why should I go over board on drama on a three page short? Each page gives us something, it may not be exciting or what you may call interesting but enough just to keep you reading.
It's a family losing a loved one, I know you understand that but I feel as if I don't need to show you how emotionally close they all are, that's not the story here. This is simply a message, that is all.

I know not everyone will like this and you are entitled to your opinion so I am grateful for your comments, maybe in the future I will extend this piece.

Lee

Quoted from LeeOConnor

Referring to the word "medication" I did initially just use the short term "meds". As Mary's illness has not yet taken a toll on her appearance I thought using the whole word would be more clear.I did also think the beeping sound of the watch might be enough with just pure action to describe the situation but again, I felt words would be more touching and clear.

- I see what you mean. How about just having him saying "It's time" before showing him fetching the medicine? That way its conveyed through action and feels more natural. If you show him getting the medicine you probably wouldn't even need the line, just the watch alarm and subsequent action would be enough. Just a thought.

I'm sorry to learn that this comes from personal experience so you know best on how to approach it, at least from your own perspective and that's what a writer should strive for.

Hi col,

A good suggestion, I'm not gonna lie that idea did cross my mind and now that you have mentioned it, I think it may work better with your suggestion. I think the action of getting the meds rather than saying it will be more appropriate in front of James, which you have mentioned before.

Thanks for your kind words, I will work on this again when I'm not so busy.

Lee

Quoted from LeeOConnor

maybe in the future I will extend this piece.

Hey Lee,

It's worth extending. I enjoyed what you have so far, it does hit a sad yet hopeful note. It's difficult to just send a simple message when an audience needs context. It should be easy to write - hell it pretty much writes itself.

You've gotten some really good feedback on how to make this an impact short. We need something that triggers us to feel attached in some way to the characters - good or bad.

Good luck!

Johnny

Thanks for your comments johnny.

I will get back to this in the near future as I think this story deserves and needs more. I have a few ideas floating about so I hope it will have the impact everyone is looking for.

There is not enough hours in the day, so for now it will have to stay as it is.

The brightest star is currently in post production, please take a moment to listen to the soundtrack

https://www.sendspace.com/file/ll02yq

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4226656/?ref_=nm_flmg_wr_4

Thanks

The brightest star is now available to watch on vimeo. Please check it out and let me know your thoughts.

Much appreciated.

Lee

https://vimeo.com/129374340

Hi Folks,

The brightest star has been officially selected into a number of film festivals.

I would like to kindly ask for the people at SS to vote for my project at the top shorts film festival. Here is the link.

http://www.topshorts.net/#!the-brightest-star/c1vtf

Much appreciated and I would love to return the favour if anyone else need a vote.

Thanks.

Rated.
Best of luck.

Nice one, Thanks mate

Dropped in a vote for you. Good luck, Lee!

The brightest star just received the award for Best Indie film at the TopShorts film festival.

Congrats Lee! Well done, sir.

Steve

I saw the list of winners and I was like.... I KNOW THAT NAME!! Then I clicked on it and realised it was your short movie, I was so glad an SS member won the best indie film award!

Well done pal!

Nice one, thanks for your support guys.

Congrats also to you Mark for receiving an honourable mention.

Quoted from LeeOConnor

Nice one, thanks for your support guys.

Congrats also to you Mark for receiving an honourable mention.

Thanks, I'm over the moon. I honestly didn't expect to get any award as there were so many great entries so I did a big WOO! on the train when I read the results.

Are you going to get a statuette? It's very nice but $190?!?!?! What a rip off! I'll just polish my laurel thanks lol.

No I'm definitely not buying a statuette. There is something seriously weird about buying your own award. If you are to receive an award it should be given to you not purchased.

I certainly wasn't expecting to win anything at all, I was not even overly happy with the final outcome, if I am truthful I cringe every time I watch it, but hay, it's probably me just being picky! I can't complain too much it was made in half a day with no budget, and now I got something out of it so it was worth while.

So I'm not the only one who cringes at their own work! Good to know.

Yeah it's messed up tempting people to purchase their own awards.

You made that in half a day? That's impressive indeed! I love the way it's filmed, cutting to the star charts and the way it looks really makes it stand out. Did you use any special filters?

Brilliant, thanks Mark.

No nothing special at all, just two cameras and did the best we could with the props that we had, it was all in editing really, we just played around with the close ups that we shot on the day and just decided to cut them into the scenes to make it a little more unique.

We decided instead of just jumping from scene to scene (which would have been boring), we would add cuts of the close ups to keep the audience interested and in this case its really quite affective.

I just can't wait to get my teeth stuck into my new project, Solo which starts filming on Sunday.

Lee
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6891045/?ref_=fn_al_nm_2