Dog's Life by Anthony Cawood - Short, Comedy, SciFi - Two inept security guards investigate the myserious presence of an out of place animal - the animal looks on unimpressed. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Anthony, a few notes:

'Idiot, what are you thinking of?' I'd just stick with: 'Idiot, what are you thinking?"

We said I’d do the fieldwork on
this year, you agreed...

I'd delete the 'on' - another superfluous word imh.

You could say I'm being pedantic but for the most part numerals should be spelled out in screenplays and I would as far as 360 in your description line.

The dog is a Labrador of some kind
Labrador would do without the 'of some kind'.

Me as star, really? TYPO 'as'?

Do you mean: 'Me, a star, really'?

I like the line: 'No, genuinely, not even a tiny bit funny'.

And, the ensuring dialogue is particularly funny between the dog and Antoine on page 3/4. It's an entertaining short and the ending is nicely satisfying on first read but on reflection something could be added - I don't know... a double whammy would be nice. The 'dog' appears to be up to some hijinx so you could capitalize on that and have him appear again in front of Pascal (who's gone on ahead) and then disappear once more when Antoine reappears. Just a suggestion.

I got a chuckle out of this. Nothing earth-shattering but v.enjoyable nonetheless.

P.S. About your slugs - that first one is okay but seemed a little vague and you might also want to think about putting another slug EXT. by the car as though it is an extension of that first location, for shooting purposes I think you need it separate.

Nice little entertaining short as per usual Anthony, the typos have been pointed out in the post above.

I am slightly confused as to the twist (SPOILERS) - The dog is from some experiment being carried out in the future and Antoine is in on it/part of it. I think I got that bit! But is the dog super intelligent also or some being disguised as a dog? I couldn't quite work it out.

But it was good and entertaining. I liked the banter between all the characters, it flowed nicely and seemed natural.

Mark

Nice to see your funny side Anthony.
I found this enjoyable and easy to read. You have misspelled Antoine a few times but that's no biggy.
The characters bounce off each other well adding comedy value, personally I would like to see more banter. But I guess in some cases less is more.

Will there be extended at all? I would like to know more about the experiment?  

Nice one

Lee

LC, Mark, Lee

Thanks so much for the reads really appreciated as always and glad you liked it.

Thanks for the typo/spelling/grammar spots... will fix all these elements... great to get an extra pair of eyes - i go snow blind ;-)

This one was banging round in my head for a while, think I read something about someone turning up at CERN and claiming to be a time traveller - got my 'what if' juices flowing.

Definitely a test of my humour writing, not really a genre I spend too much time in, but I wanted to try something with some reasonably funny banter. Seems to have worked okay - phew.

Expanding it, yes definite possibility, I think there's room for more with this, just waiting for muse to help me out a little ;-)

Thanks again

Anthony

Anthony

“eager face and feet to match.”

- Good prose.

PASCAL
See, a dog.

- Why isn’t the dog mentioned in the prose? No description of any sort, just the car at which they stop by. Almost makes me think they are both making it up.

“Antoine taps on the window, the dog turns to face him.”

- Yay, it’s finally mentioned. After nearly a page of dialogue about it! ;)

I’m a little confused about this one, which I imagine is your intention. To pose questions, create intrigue without necessarily giving answers. So the dog is from the future, right? I presume it has something to do with the nearby collider? Is Antoine an agent from the future too? Lots is suggested here, clearly some otherworldly, time travelling shenanigans are going on which we can only speculate upon since the script doesn’t give us a whole lot.

I’m curious to know what your intentions with this were. What do you think Antoine is up to, what’s his mission? Or the dog for that matter…if it is indeed a dog. Why an appearing/disappearing dog in the first place? Or is Antoine just trippin’ himself? ;)

Col.

Hi Howard,

Many thans for the read, appreciated as always.

Hadn't spotted the lack of the dog in the prose, easy to add that one.

So... yes they are time travellers at CERN, visiting due to the LHC. Antoine is the field agent and Dog is his controller... he just happens to have a sense of mischief about him.

What the mission is... not sure yet, but something to do with black hole prevention is my current direction... it's still coalescing ;-)

But it's definitely meant to make you think and interpret their intentions for yourself. If/when I expand this some of this element will disappear and it will be made more obvious.

Thanks

Anthony

Hey, Anthony.

I loved the beginning of it and laughed quite a few times - got every joke. But the last page is lost on me. I'm guessing Antoine and the dog are from the future? And they did something to Pascal?
I wish it was clearer.
I think if they are from the future you need to let us a little bit in, explain what they are doing - it looks like recurring action, they go places or something?
Anyway, just want more - but nice setting, wish you didn't stop at the current version.

Hi Khamanna

Thanks for the read and glad you liked the piece in general, particularly pleased it made you laugh = the dialogue seems to have worked for most people.

So yes, they are time travellers, but no, they've done nothing to Pascal as yet... but who knows what will happen next ;-)

I will be expanding this at some point, watch this space.

Anthony

Anthony,

I got a kick out this, nicely done.  I like the simplicity of the idea -- find yourself a well behaved dog it wouldn’t be too hard to film.

Had to wonder why the dog was in a car -- why not just sat on the street?

Putting the dog’s response in dialogue threw me at first.  I’d put the ‘barking’ in action.  A minor issue but one for clarity perhaps.

Not sure the title quite fit.  How about ‘Dog Years’?

Steve.

Hi Steve,

Thanks for the read, appreciated.

There was a reason the dog was in the car originally, bit for life of me I can't remember why... it might have been because a dog on the street was maybe not so unusual.

Prefer your title, nice one, consider it borrowed ;-)

Thanks

Anthony

Anthony,

Read this a few days ago but have been crazy busy and only getting around to replying now.

Nice little tale. Nice humour and well written.

The little twist at the end was very well worked and I found it funny.

Good luck with this.
Glenn

Thanks Glenn - really appreciate the read and the kind words, glad you liked it.

Anthony

This story doesn't really support itself.  It reads like the opening scene of a longer script.  I don't know if you have anything planned along these lines; it might be worth thinking about it.


Phil

I need to find this dog for my script ;-)

http://whofortedblog.com/2015/01/11/fast-furrious-dog-appears-outta-nowhere/

Anthony,

Good little read.  It is a bit confusing in the end because the dog only barks, which can create ambiguity.  And if I were Antoine, I might be a mite pissed that the dog is checking up on me.  I mean, if Antoine had missed a report or two or hadn't checked in, it might be appropriate and funny.  If the dog is checking up just to check up, then some kind of interchange?  

In any case, it makes for a good little story.  Good luck.

Best
Richard

Hey Richard thanks for taking a quick look, apreciated.

I'll relook at the end make sure it's clearer.

Anthony

Anthony,

I like the minimalist approach here. No explanations, just intimations of what might be going on.

It's easy to forget there's a difference between reading a script and watching the film version. The point here is the humor of it all, especially when Antoine and the Dog converse. The dog turning to look at Antoine could be very funny. As always, it has to be done by competent people. Otherwise it could fall flat. In this case, comic timing would be critical.

I like this line: "excitement leaching from his demeanor." Leaching's a good word.

Regards, Henry

Hi Henry and thanks for taking a look at the script, appreciated.

Really pleased you like it, and the humour... it was mostly an experiment in humour for me as it's a genre I don't write in frequently, so glad it works.

Just have to find someone to make it now ;-)

Anthony