No Title, No Logline by Mark Renshaw - Short, Fantasy - {no logline} - pdf, format 8)

Hey, Mark.

‘With growing concern, the Reviewer confirms the script is only one page long.' - I'm not sure about that. Maybe 'with a sigh of relief'?

And then there's a typo at the very bottom - should definitely be "raises one of their heads".

Other than that no grumps.

Mark

Before reading, I just wanted to say I like the title. If anything, its different, an attention grabber. I hope I still feel the same a page from now...;)

"A REVIEWER glances up from a laptop at a mirror on the wall.

The reflection appears vaguely familiar."

- I take it this is meant to be a joke? Obviously if one looks at a mirror the reflection will be familiar. I only ask as there is no indication given in the prose that this is meant to be tongue in cheek. Unless you are telling us, the reader, that's its one of those ordinary, vaguely familiar faces which seems unnecessary since we've already seen the Reviewer in the flesh sitting before his laptop? Anyway, moving on...

"shift back and forth like a typewriter."

- I like that analogy.

"The highlighted section reads, The Reviewer types on the
laptop ‘No Title, No Logline! Very funny but not a good start
Mark. How do you expect people to have any idea what this
script is about?’"

- No harm in having a colon after "reads" and opening quotation marks before "the reviewer..." Just so we know where what's typed on screen begins and your own prose ends.

I see what you are trying to do here, the script on screen replicating the actions of the Reviewer, its meta, slightly creepy if not totally unoriginal...but interesting nonetheless. I presume the reason he fades at the end is because he's reached the end of the script? If so, it could be worth including an insert to the computer screen showing "FADE OUT" at the bottom of the page before we see him literally do that.

Neat idea but is there more to be got out of it? Could you explore the conceit in further depth? I think there is an opportunity here to open it out into a nice 5 pager with a slower build up to the Reviewer's realization. Of course this would mean that the script within a script would have to be longer but that mirroring of what he's reading and his own situation has got great potential. There's a lot of fun to be had with that as you reveal what's going on to both the Reviewer and us through the medium of the script he's reading.

Or perhaps it works fine as it is, effectively short and sweet. In and out, using the element of surprise.

Col.

Thanks Col and Khamanna for the read.

This is a tongue in cheek little experiment. I wanted to have a go at writing a one page script that was a complete story of sorts. It's harder than I thought!

Saying that though any comments are very welcome and if I do write a second draft and decide to expand it to be longer I will take each suggestion on board.

Yes the REVIEWER (You reading the script) Fades out at the end and they know they are going to fade out because they read the end and see it happening just before it does.

Cheers,

Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Yes the REVIEWER (You reading the script) Fades out at the end and they know they are going to fade out because they read the end and see it happening just before it does.

- Ya, it works rather well. Like you say, its not easy to write a satisfying one pager but this succeeds better than most.

No Title, No Logline, and no story to match – who would have thought!? In saying that, the unusual and bizarre title made me open this so good job on that front I guess.

Actually, it’s a cute idea but I don’t have much to add because there isn’t much to talk about. Kudos on writing a one pager though, they’re tough but otherwise…

No Title, No logline, No Story, and No Review. :P

Can’t wait for the sequel. ;D

Thanks for all who read my little experiment. And I'm glad some of you managed to read the script without Fading Out. ;-)