That Face I Remember by Manolis Froudarakis - Short, Drama - Rashid struggles with the memory of a beloved face, after bringing home a woman in a burqa. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Code burqa-clud

You've done this twice in the script so far... it's burqa-clad. Actually three times, so it's definitely not a typo.

Not sure what I'm meant to take from this one. Sorry mate.

Manolis

I'm not really sure what you intended with this.

Was the Burqa-clad woman Rashid's mother? Was she shamed in some way? Did they have a fight about him embracing westernized practices i.e. marrying the Burqa-less Aisha?

I was expecting her to be disfigured by acid or something as that is sometimes the custom is those countries if a woman has debased herself. However, when Rashid's wife and child entered I dropped that notion.

I got the impression there is some kind of reconciliation here, putting behind one's differences or past transgressions for a harmonious environment, clearly Rashid as an deep affection for the Burqa-clad woman but I'm merely speculating.

I would be interested to hear your interpretation.

Col.

Hi Justin and Col,

Thank you both the read! Apparently, the script doesn't work – that's what happens, I guess, when you use minimum dialogue and try to be too "subtle" in less than 3 pages. ;)

Anyway [spoiler]: Rashid was separated from his mother when he was little, because of war. He finds out that she's alive and brings her home (somewhere in the Western world). However, he hesitates to see the face under the burqa. To him, his mother "was" that young woman he had been carrying in his memory since he was a kid. Eventually, with the help of his wife and son, he overcomes his fear and manages to recognize his mother in the old woman's face.

My intention was to write something about how we don't like to watch our parents grow old. Somehow, I came up with this concept. I also liked the idea of combining the burqa with peekaboo (in the flashbacks, Rashid recalls his mother playing peekaboo with him).

Thanks, once again! Let me know what you think of the concept and whether it is worth a rewrite or not.

Hi Manolis:

I read this earlier and completely missed the genre, just saw the logline and the page-count expecting one of your regular sketches, made it to the end... alright, where's the twist and how is this supposed to be funny? ;D

Anyways my thoughts:

Is this your first go at drama? I for one thought it was a good result, you told a lot in 3 pages,  with subtlety.

I read a different concept out of this one than your "we don't like to watch our parents grow old." one.  It doesn't seem to fit as Rashid only has one memory of his mother after being separated from the war. If you want to explore this one, imo you should go for something different.

Now here's what I thought this was about when I read it:

Having doubts someone popping into your life after a long time when your recollection, possibly only recollection is something good, like Rashid's peek-a-boo memory that has defined his mother for him for his entire life. Do they want to risk losing that one positive memory since the actual encounter and what happens after they get to know each other will most likely be below their expectations? I imagine it would be a familiar concept to many and one worth exploring.

That way looking at her face would be the first step for him to be afraid of. What would follow would be finding out what kind of a person they are.

I also feel it doesn't really work if Rashid and his mother have had a car-ride prior to the short.  This should be their first meeting, else it just isn't as strong as it could be.

I feel like you missed the mark and it doesn't really work with your "we don't want to watch our parents grow old", but I like your storytelling and to me you unintentionally portrayed a different theme really well.  The strength of being able to read out different meanings from stories, I guess. :P. I'd like to see something longer than a micro-short from you, I think you could pull it off well, whatever the genre. Good luck.

Thought I'd take a quick look with this being just three pages.

You ask about the concept & if that works. An idea like this can work in many different ways, but I think you'd have to handle it well. Your writing is off and you need to look into that:

Second sentence -
He hears the right rear door closed. Stands pensive for a second.
-- both cack-handed and overly wordy.
'A door on the car clunks shut.' Or similar does the job. The 'he hears' is redundant, and if he does hear it, it's 'close' not 'closed'.

On to your flashback: there's a risk that you isolate it too much as it's not related to anybody at this stage.  If you rephrase from earleir (I'm assuming the trunk doesn't allow him to see the woman exit the car, which could be re-worked to allow it), so that:

'A door on the car clunks shut, as a BURQA-CLAD WOMAN steps out.'
--you then go to the flashback, so that the flashback is likely to be related to the woman we have just seen.

He walks past her, carrying the suitcase.
--I would be careful with the tone you are setting here - "He ignores her". If he were to stop, hesitate, and indicate she should follow, you're showing that these two have some kind of faltering relationship.

Two passing TEENAGE GIRLS, in t-shirts and ripped jeans,
--This threw me. I had this in Iraq or somewhere, and then had to re-think. Your opening slug needs to be followed by an action line that hints this is the west.

Rashid sits down on the floor, his back against the wall.
Wrings his hands nervously.
--why would a 40-year old man do this? What is the point of him doing it now?

This is where we disconnect with the piece. The Woman - his mother - is nowhere to be seen, we don't know why he is doing what he's doing, and we need some level of continuity:

So he allows her into the apartment - points to her room or something, then he needs to do something-that-matters-or-tells-us-something-more-that-draws-us-in.

Yarul and Aisha then come in. This is okay, but in a short piece (you are almost a third in) you need to consider the dynamics you are setting up.

If you have already 'done stuff' to set up some of the dynamics (i.e. Rashid not ignoring her), then you are about to undo or transform those dynamics by introducing new people at this stage. Not that it's wrong, but should you not intro them, then you'd be able to continue to develop the existing dynamics.

Last point. You say that you are aiming for minimum dialogue (and I assume you mean minimal), yet the only one who says nothing is the mother. Minimal means the least amount necessary to accomplish your point - but here I feel that you've almost excluded the mother, whilst the mother is still the object of his difficulty? I'm not sure that is your best strategy.

OK. I like the idea. I think you need some type of vivid images, like quick flashbacks... maybe black and white. Images of guns, maybe an explosion. Then the kid being taken away from his mother, she waving goodbye. More soldiers etc.... to show what he's running away from.

I believe this could be done without dialogue if played right. So you could easily get away with minimal. You're just missing the correct imagery, IMO.

This comes off as a scene of a larger piece.  There's not enough, here, to support its weight.  The idea is interesting, but it needs to be further developed and expanded.


Phil

Hi DS (Marko), thanks for the read and comments! This is my first attempt at drama, yes. Glad you thought it wasn't that bad. ;)

Regarding "we don't like to watch our parents grow old", what I meant was that I eventually came up with the story idea while trying to concoct something around this theme. It is clear that the actual concept is different: a man, whose only memory of his mother is from his early childhood, needs to reconnect to her and re-establish a son and mother relationship after 35 years. And, I agree, "looking at her face would be the first step". But this needs only to be implied.

As for the car-ride, perhaps you are right. I just thought an outdoors scene would be useful in showing that this is a Western country (the girls in the ripped jeans).

Thanks again for the review and your encouraging words. I do have ideas for longer scripts (even features), but the language is a big barrier - especially when it comes to dialogue. So, for the time being, I'll keep flooding the forum with my "regular sketches". ;)

Manolis

Hi Simon, thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed review!

Quoted from Forgive Second sentence - He hears the right rear door closed. Stands pensive for a second. -- both cack-handed and overly wordy. 'A door on the car clunks shut.' Or similar does the job. The 'he hears' is redundant, and if he does hear it, it's 'close' not 'closed'.

You're right, of course. Thanks for rephrasing it.

Quoted from Forgive On to your flashback: there's a risk that you isolate it too much as it's not related to anybody at this stage.  If you rephrase from earleir (I'm assuming the trunk doesn't allow him to see the woman exit the car, which could be re-worked to allow it), so that: 'A door on the car clunks shut, as a BURQA-CLAD WOMAN steps out.' --you then go to the flashback, so that the flashback is likely to be related to the woman we have just seen.

The thing is, Rashid "stands pensive for a second" because the woman can't see him either (the trunk thing). So the sound of the door triggering the memory still seems a good solution to me.

Quoted from Forgive He walks past her, carrying the suitcase. --I would be careful with the tone you are setting here - "He ignores her". If he were to stop, hesitate, and indicate she should follow, you're showing that these two have some kind of faltering relationship.

I agree. Thanks for the suggestion.

Quoted from Forgive Two passing TEENAGE GIRLS, in t-shirts and ripped jeans, --This threw me. I had this in Iraq or somewhere, and then had to re-think. Your opening slug needs to be followed by an action line that hints this is the west.

Like I said to DS, I used the girls exactly for this reason: to indicate that this is a Western country. They would come on screen just a few seconds after the woman in the burqa, so I don't think this would cause any confusion.

Quoted from Forgive Rashid sits down on the floor, his back against the wall. Wrings his hands nervously. --why would a 40-year old man do this? What is the point of him doing it now? This is where we disconnect with the piece. The Woman - his mother - is nowhere to be seen, we don't know why he is doing what he's doing, and we need some level of continuity: So he allows her into the apartment - points to her room or something, then he needs to do something-that-matters-or-tells-us-something-more-that-draws-us-in.

This part is supposed to make sense afterwards. Yes, Rashid is 40, but he is not ready to see his mother and sit with her. So he sits in the hallway instead, lost in thought. I agree though that I could add a small scene before that for the sake of continuity.

Quoted from Forgive Yarul and Aisha then come in. This is okay, but in a short piece (you are almost a third in) you need to consider the dynamics you are setting up. If you have already 'done stuff' to set up some of the dynamics (i.e. Rashid not ignoring her), then you are about to undo or transform those dynamics by introducing new people at this stage. Not that it's wrong, but should you not intro them, then you'd be able to continue to develop the existing dynamics.

The role of Yarul and Aisha is to help Rashid, so I think they are important to the story. Also, in the final scene, Yarul "becomes" young Rashid when his father places his hand on his grandma's cheek. I do like this ending.

Quoted from Forgive Last point. You say that you are aiming for minimum dialogue (and I assume you mean minimal), yet the only one who says nothing is the mother. Minimal means the least amount necessary to accomplish your point - but here I feel that you've almost excluded the mother, whilst the mother is still the object of his difficulty? I'm not sure that is your best strategy.

Actually, I chose "minimum" over "minimal" because I meant it in a negative way. But it might have been a bad word choice, anyway. ;)

I think I prefer the mother to stay silent. The ending is meant to be reminiscent of Rashid's memory of her (she uncovers her face like back then, when she was playing peekaboo with him). So, if she was silent during the flashbacks, that's how she should be in this scene, IMO.

I hope I didn't come off too defensive. It is clear that there are many problems with the script and your suggestions are useful and really appreciated. Thanks, again!

Manolis

Quoted from Athenian Anyway [spoiler]: Rashid was separated from his mother when he was little, because of war. He finds out that she's alive and brings her home (somewhere in the Western world). However, he hesitates to see the face under the burqa. To him, his mother "was" that young woman he had been carrying in his memory since he was a kid. Eventually, with the help of his wife and son, he overcomes his fear and manages to recognize his mother in the old woman's face. My intention was to write something about how we don't like to watch our parents grow old. Somehow, I came up with this concept. I also liked the idea of combining the burqa with peekaboo (in the flashbacks, Rashid recalls his mother playing peekaboo with him). Thanks, once again! Let me know what you think of the concept and whether it is worth a rewrite or not.

- Yeah I figured it was something like that, Rashid being separated from his mother having "defected" to the western world and adopting their customs while abandoning his.

I think what threw me, as you've alluded to, was Rashid's fear of seeing his mother grow old. I dunno, maybe it’s just me (and I can only speculate) put if I had been separated from my mother against my will like that, through war or whatever I’d be just happy to see her again. I don't think the fact that she will have aged would really be on my mind, or at least it would be a secondary thing. Any reservations would be superseded by the joy of being reconciled since in a lot of these cases they never think they’ll be reunited again.

Maybe, it’s because the story sprung from the image of the burqa that you took the script in that manner and used that reveal of the hidden face as its main thrust.

On the other hand, since Rashid has move to the west, I thought his shame of having left his old way of life and family behind would be more understandable. Even if he was forced from his own country and not given a choice that element of shame would always remain. Thus he makes her keep the burqa on her head, afraid to face her because of his own guilt rather than the fear of seeing her aged features. I dunno, it’s your script and I'm suggesting a 180 degree flip so you probably won't want to do that.

Thank you for clarifying your intentions anyway. Best of luck with it.

Col.

- Thanks for the suggestions, Dustin! There might be some budget issues with the war scenes, but I agree that some vivid images would be helpful.

- Thanks for the read and the comment, Phil! Perhaps you're right about the further development. I've got various opinions on this one, so I need some time to consider them.

Manolis

It just has to imply a war... or not even be that, it was just an example. But with quick image flashes it is easy to build a back story.

Hi

Had a quick read, and the read the comments as I wasn't quite sure what had happened. It's late here, so please accept this is a quick read.

I read your explanation. It's a decent idea and one I would agree with phil - doggleby - that would benefit from extra pages. Why not be 6-10 pages?

In my opinion, scripts need clarity as you read them. There meant to be quick reads, and often our read is quick. You have had some good comments above and all I would do is re-iterate that don't add detail where not needed.

We hear, we see etc can be dropped

Too many movements - one of my sins as well - adds to confusion so balance them well, and when they are really required.

Your idea has legs, see what you can make of it.

Cheers

Okay, not completely clear on what just happened to be honest? This story is a little muddled for me at the moment and needs to be clearer. Let me take a swing though, it seems to me that Rashid was supposed to kill the older woman, who was his mother, but he couldn’t do it because he remembered her face from when he was younger. Is that right?

Why did you show Rashid take the suitcase out of the trunk and then have some random girls stare curiously at them? This gave the impression that Rashid was a shady character about to perform some horrible act on innocent peeps – was this the intention? If so, then you needed to play on it more, or think about the beginning which is misleading.

I don’t think the dialogue helps the story as well, you don’t have to make it “on the nose” but the reader does need some help here to fully grasp what’s happening. I think the story actually hinders on one line from Aisha “Why is she still...?” This opens the story up to so many possibilities but I was lost before this to be honest as my comment above states.

You could tighten this up, and there are a few awkward lines spread around but overall the writing is good. I do think you could transition the scene into the living room better but that’s just a suggestion, you way you have it now is fine. On the first page, it should be close instead of “closed” for the car door.

Otherwise, I’m not too sure what to make of this one, just needs to be clearer for the reader to grasp what is happening. You can sense there is a lot of emotion but it’s hard to feel for the characters if you don’t understand what’s actually going on.

Best of luck with it.

I thought the girls were placed there for cinematic purposes. One culture clashing with another... and virtually at opposite ends of the spectrum. I didn't read anything more into it than that.

- Thanks for the new comments, Col! You do have a point about Rashid's feelings and reaction. Maybe I could try a different version without the fear part (he could still have those flashes of memory before looking at his mother's face). I have to do some thinking first though.

I didn't assume any guilt or shame on Rashid's behalf, since he was separated from his mother (and probably his country) in a very young age. In any case, that would be a different story and script.

Again, thanks for your time and valuable input! Really appreciated.

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- Thanks for clarifying your suggestion, Dustin! Maybe I could use the woman's memories too, I don't know. There are many ideas to think about here.

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- Hi Bill, thank you for the read! Glad you found good the idea, despite the flawed execution. Your comment about the "too many movements" caught my attention - I hadn't thought about that before. ;)

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- Hi CoopBazinga (Steve), thank you for the read and the comment! For an explanation of the script, you can check my first post in this thread.

Like Dustin said, the girls in the ripped jeans are placed there as a contrast to the woman in the burqa. They also serve as an indication that this is a Western country.

"Why is she still...?"  = "Why is she still wearing the burqa?"

Anyway, I'm going to change most of these things during the rewrite and try to make the script much clearer. Thank you for the review!

Manolis

Quoted from CoopBazinga completely clear on what just happened

Hello coop - where've you been? I was just thinking of you yesterday (non-sexually of course) and then you pop out of nowhere :)

Hi Manolis,

I understand what you are trying to do here but I don't understand what we the reader are supposed to gain from the story.

Although the story is simple and I can visualise everything you are saying, personally I feel that we need more. Maybe going into more detail about Rashid and his mother being separated?

Good luck with this.

Lee

Quoted from Forgive ...(non-sexually of course)...

It is slightly unnerving that you felt it necessary to mention that. It's almost like you're asking him for a date without outright asking him for a date.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It is slightly unnerving that you felt it necessary to mention that. It's almost like you're asking him for a date without outright asking him for a date.

Is this a secret dating site that no one has told me about.

You need to let the jealousy go, Dustin. I'm not going to date you no matter how much you want me to.

Hi Lee, thank you for the read!

The woman's identity was meant to be kept secret until the end, so I couldn't reveal much about her past and her separation from Rashid. However, I'm going to think about your suggestion during the rewrite.

Manolis

Manolis,

Thanks for the reads on my most recent. Returning the favor.

I mostly write drama, so this was up my alley, so to speak. On page 1 alone, right out of the gate, you have three orphans. You can clean them up easily. I was confused with your intro of a few characters, meaning there seemed to be too many for a four page short so I had to go and read the comments to see if it would become more clear, then I went back and re-read the script. I'm under the impression that if you have to re-read, well, then it needs some work.

This could easily benefit from a re-write, and an extra page or two. I like what you were going for here. I feel this could be a story that just shows the parallel of what Rashid remembered to that of his son, seeing his grandmother for the first time. Are we to believe from the time Rashid picked up his mother from the airport that they did not speak, nor did he see her face even then? I don't know. Sounds a little weak.

Your ending seems to be more about Yarul anyway, and what his reaction might be to this "strange" woman, so much so that Aisha has a talk with him about it beforehand. If Rashid and his mother played "peek-a-boo" with the burqa as a child, perhaps it can come full circle with Yarul taking his father's place in that role?

Some extra dialogue could carry this along, and turn this into a nice heartfelt story. Good luck with it. Good job so far.

Steve

Quoted from DustinBowcot I thought the girls were placed there for cinematic purposes. One culture clashing with another... and virtually at opposite ends of the spectrum. I didn't read anything more into it than that.

Quoted from Athenian Like Dustin said, the girls in the ripped jeans are placed there as a contrast to the woman in the burqa. They also serve as an indication that this is a Western country.

That’s fair enough. I obviously watch too much Homeland. I still think it can be misleading, especially as different cultures weren’t the point to this story… I think. Although I take your point about the setting – does he need to take the suitcase out?

Quoted from Forgive Hello coop - where've you been? I was just thinking of you yesterday (non-sexually of course) and then you pop out of nowhere :)

Hey Si, Thanks for the non-sexual thought. Where have I been? Same place as always, at the bottom of a wine glass. Good to see you back on the boards as well, buddy. :)

- Hi Steve, thanks for reading and commenting!

Yarul, as I wrote in a previous comment, "becomes young Rashid when his father places his hand on his grandma's cheek." So my intention was pretty much to do what you're suggesting (a "full circle"). A better execution is what is needed.

As for Rashid driving his mother home without speaking to her or seeing her, I agree that it isn't plausible. Perhaps it would be better if a third person (like an uncle) picked her up from the airport and then called Rashid.

Good thoughts - thanks once again!

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- Hi CoopBazinga! I'm not going to include the suitcase scene in the rewrite - I have some other ideas. Thanks for your comments again!