Seventeen by Angelica Bagot - Short, Sci Fi, Adventure - A young British boy with supernatural powers struggles to accept his gift due to a traumatic past. His infatuation with the head gangsters girlfriend soon gets him into trouble. You see a hoodie, I see a hero. 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

Logline is all over the place. So he's a young British boy, but is part of a gang? You mention the Head Gangster as though from the logline we should recognise there is a gang in this. So I can only assume the young British boy that wears a hoodie is also a gangster. What does young mean exactly? To a 60-year-old, 30 would be young. Also boy denotes young already.

I'll open the script if you're around.

Hi angelica,

The concept is ok but there are a few issues with this script.

You have made an effort to make this as minimal as possible so well done for that, but in some places it reads awkwardly. You have overused commas and put commas in the wrong place. I found this was a little repetitive and boring.
Description on characters: where you are saying their age then "young girl" by their age we get if they are young or not.

There is no need to number your scenes.

I would lose the continued at the top and bottom of your page.

I only made it to about page five and got bored. I would recommend a re-write. This has nothing against your story just the way it is told.

Hope this helps

Lee