Is it frowned upon to write how a character reacts within the action? For example:


              Ned pulls Gammer with him as he walks away. Josh watches them
              a moment and turns his focus back to Andrew.

                                           JOSH
                                Sorry about that.

               Andrew looks relieved.

                                       ANDREW
                         How do you know them lot?

                                        JOSH
                           Just some old friends.

               Andrew laughs.

                                      ANDREW
                      They didn’t seem too friendly.


After reading a first draft I wrote a while back I've noticed I do this quite often.

Is there any need for the "looks relieved" or "laughs" in this scene or should I get rid of it altogether and let the reader decide on the atmosphere themselves?  Any help would be much appreciated.  

Thanks.

It's not necessary if a response is obvious.  We know Andrew will be in pain if Josh kicks him square in the balls.  At the same time, you can save a little space by putting it in parentheses.

Andrew kicks Josh square in the balls, literally lifting him a few inches off the ground.

                        ANDREW
      How was that?

                        JOSH
              (pained)
      Good aim...



Phil

"Andrew looks relieved." -- what are we learning about Andrew here? Nothing. Why not give us something that fleshes him out some more.  A few lines later he says "they didn't look too friendly". Was he rattled? Nervous? "Andrew takes a long drag of his cigarette, leans against the car." Or maybe his posture loosens if things were really tense when they were there. He could exhale showing he was so scared he was holding his breath. Show instead of tell.

Quoted from mmmarnie "Andrew looks relieved." -- what are we learning about Andrew here? Nothing. Why not give us something that fleshes him out some more.  A few lines later he says "they didn't look too friendly". Was he rattled? Nervous? "Andrew takes a long drag of his cigarette, leans against the car." Or maybe his posture loosens if things were really tense when they were there. He could exhale showing he was so scared he was holding his breath. Show instead of tell.

That's why I think a OWC with no dialogue would be great!  ;)

Your instincts are telling you that perhaps all the detailing of reactions is not a good thing... which is a good thing.   ;D

All good advice given to you already. It can be tedious to read a script that details every single response and action and it's often not necessary. Some things should be left to the director and actor in collaboration.

Have a look at your favourite pro scripts and see what is actually left out of the writing.

P.S. I just scrolled up and... your Halloween face scared the heck out of me, Pia.  ;D

All action is direction... in my opinion. If it is important to the scene how the actor acts then direct it, that is your job.

I'm kind of on a crash course in film making at the moment having helped produce one short film and well into producing another... and from what I can make out, there are two types of actor. Those that like to be told exactly what to do, and those that like to do as they please. There are two types of director too, those that stick religiously to a script and those that don't.

I suppose, just like all things, it comes down to balance. Just trust in your ability as a story teller. If you feel you're doing too much of one thing, chances are, you are.

Thank you for the quick responses. The example I gave probably wasn't the best without reading the rest of the scene but cheers for the advise.

Quoted Text Posted by: LC "Have a look at your favourite pro scripts and see what is actually left out of the writing."

I read through a few different scripts and it didn't really help. Some writers direct the actors heavily. For example in 'The Spectacular Now' screenplay -

"Aimee laughs."  "Aimee waits. Smiles."  "They share a laugh. It’s nice."   "Sutter catches the look on Aimee’s face. She’s beaming."


Is all taken from one page. One of my favourite scripts 'Shifty' also does this quite often. But in a lot of others cases the writer uses it rarely or not at all.

Quoted Text Posted by: Dustin I suppose, just like all things, it comes down to balance. Just trust in your ability as a story teller. If you feel you're doing too much of one thing, chances are, you are.

First off, well done and good luck with the producing side of things and secondly, thanks for the advice. I'm gonna re-read the script and cut any directions that aren't necessary. If I think it adds to the scene I'll leave it in. In a way, I think I was just cheating a bit to break up dialogue.

Thanks again everyone, all advise has been a big help.

Quoted from Kyle Thank you for the quick responses. The example I gave probably wasn't the best without reading the rest of the scene but cheers for the advise. I read through a few different scripts and it didn't really help. Some writers direct the actors heavily. For example in 'The Spectacular Now' screenplay - "Aimee laughs."  "Aimee waits. Smiles."  "They share a laugh. It’s nice."   "Sutter catches the look on Aimee’s face. She’s beaming." Is all taken from one page. One of my favourite scripts 'Shifty' also does this quite often. But in a lot of others cases the writer uses it rarely or not at all.

So, when it comes down to it I still reckon it'll be about finding your own personal style. Presumably you're still writing on Spec. Once you're a Pro you can do whatever you want as long as you do it well  ;D I still maintain what you're referring to can be overdone and as Dustin said it's about finding your own balance.

Perhaps you'll post something up sometime and get some feedback.

Btw, welcome to SS, Kyle.  :)

Hi Kyle

Good question and one that all us readers struggle with.

A few things I do is.

1) try and write with as descriptions  few as possible. Challenge yourself to a two line max.

2) re read and see that I can take out a lot of what I have written. You can always trim.

3) understand which are the important scenes and reveals. Ones that need to be very clear. If you need to add extra description then do so, you don't want to lose the reader.

Also remember that whilst the 'she smiles, he laughs' etc is quite crisp, actually a lot of what we write can be tightened.

All the best

Kyle,

I wonder about this stuff a lot when writing.  I try to let the dialogue flow with as little (action) interruption as possible -- though it does depend on the scene and subtleties of body language involved.  

My rule of thumb is if the action reveals something of the character’s intent (or an important trait) then keep it in -- if not, think about whether it’s necessary.  

Looking at yours -- another way would be to get it in one hit:

‘Ned pulls Gammer with him as he walks away. Josh watches them
a moment and turns his focus back to a relieved looking Andrew.’

As to the he laughs/she laughs -- is it necessarily important to the scene?

Steve.

Quoted from stevemiles Kyle, try to let the dialogue flow with as little (action) interruption as possible -- though it does depend on the scene and subtleties of body language involved.

Best advice.  Depending on the scene, you'll need action lines so things make sense.

I hate when writers break up dialogue just for the sake of it -- the one I shake my head to the most being:  "His eyebrows furrowed."

These things can go unnoticed when done right. I don't like to use too many lines of dialogue. I will break that up for aesthetic purposes and, so long as the script is a great story, I really don't think the odd one here and there matters.

So long as it isn't obvious. So long as it doesn't break flow. So long as it does something... then it's all good. It all comes down to the strength of your story-telling ability. I would say 'writing', but it isn't really about that. Your ability to hold people to the page is all that really matters... just as you would have thousands of years ago, using your voice around a campfire.

Thanks for all the extra advice.

I've gone through and trimmed a lot of the directions out so hopefully it flows a bit better. It felt natural as I was writing but reading it back was another story.

I'll try and put the script up over the weekend if anyone's interested in reading it. Got a few days off work next week so hopefully I'll be spending them reading and reviewing others work on here as well as starting a new feature.

Thanks again, Kyle.

It's give and take here mostly. Read some scripts, give feedback and then wait for it to be returned.

Quoted from Kyle Thanks for all the extra advice... ... I'll try and put the script up over the weekend if anyone's interested in reading it. Got a few days off work next week so hopefully I'll be spending them reading and reviewing others work on here as well as starting a new feature. Thanks again, Kyle.

Kyle, instead of posting your current work have a think about entering the Simply Scripts One Week Challenge - link below:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?c-OWC/

Theme and genre announced (tomorrow) Friday evening. This is a challenge to write a 'short' in a week. No entry fee & open to everyone. Most regulars on these boards enter.

Plus, the regulars on the board will be occupied with writing for this challenge next week - so your other work would likely not receive much attention.

The OWC scripts get posted anonymously and the following week reviews begin. The writer remains anon throughout the first week of posting while reviews take place.

The OWC would be a great way for you to get to know some of the members on SS and have your writing reviewed in the process.

Any questions you might have about the OWC - post on this thread:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-OWC1014/m-1411582535/s-0/

LC, cheers for the heads up. I'm a bit late but there's still some time left so I'll see if anything comes to me. If not it would be interesting seeing what people have come up with. Reading the topic and limitations I can see why they call it a challenge.