Hi mate, noticed that you've been making some excellent posts on the board. Whenever a new member arrives and there are technical issues with the writing in the script, I find myself bogged down by them and it's difficult to see the story. If you want your worked to be picked up and held then you need to hit faster with your action lines. Don't be verbose about it. Just write what we see in the fastest way possible while maintaining flow.
Your first action block is instantly off-putting as it is six lines. I'd recommend never going above 4... but only if you really have to. The opening action block really isn't it.
Code Standing next to an open window whose white curtains ripple
rhythmically due to the breeze is DAVID. |
|
An open window is not a person, so using 'whose' is really poor grammar. Stands out to me right away. You also don't give us an age. You may give a later description about he having a young man's beard, but that could be anyone from 14 to 19 depending on genetics. Maybe it doesn't matter.
Code His arms are folded
across his chest and he stares forward at the woman lying in
the hospital bed. |
|
What was the point in mentioning he standing by an open window if he is in fact looking at something in the room? I had to do a double-take as in your first sentence I pictured him looking out the window. How else is he going to stare? Backwards, maybe? Where else are his arms going to be folded?
Arms folded, he stares at a woman lying in the bed.
Code He has a young man’s beard and wears a dark
gray suit and tie. To his left is a chair and on it is his
computer case. |
|
This description needs to be written right after or even right before you mention the character's name for the first time. The way you have it there is a break to the woman in the bed before going back to the character and describing him. You would need to rewrite that entire first action block.
OK, well I was going to rewrite it but your second action block is repeating information from the first:
Code David has a concerned look on his face as he watches pale
faced MONICA sleeping. She has I.V. lines connected to the
veins in her right arm and hand that lead to bags of fluid
hanging on poles by the bed. |
|
All of that information should have been included in the first action block. In the first action block, David is merely staring forwards at her with his arms folded and she is merely lying in the bed. Now he is looking concerned and she has all this equipment attached. Both of those action blocks need to be combined and condensed.
To stir generally means to happen over a certain period, which is why it stirs. Begins is rarely needed in a screenplay.
She stirs. That says it all in a nutshell and is a lot faster to read. Just put images in our minds, that's all you have to do.
Code MONICA
(softly)
David, you’re really here? |
|
Ew. I literally cringed as soon as I read this dialogue. It's in all the shitty 1980s US TV dramas, could be still in them today, I stopped watching in the 90s. I swear, I'd turn off right now if this was an actual film.
That doesn't make you a bad writer, it just makes you a writer that is copying what has gone before rather than really connecting with your own characters. Be there. In the room with them. Would people really talk like that? I think she'd simply smile if she was relieved to see him there. Maybe even flick out her fingers, encouraging him to take her hand.
Code He walks to her side and looks down upon her. Their eyes hold
a gaze for a moment. |
|
Again, this is very difficult for me to read. It's too much.
In every scene in a screenplay, we should come in late, get out early. Only show what's important to show. You don't need to describe every little thing that happens. Only describe what is important to the scene.
Is it really necessary that he stands by the window staring at her before then walking to her side looking down upon her and then holding her gaze (with their eyes, of course) for a moment?
Is this whole scene necessary at all? I haven't read any further but from previous comments it seems she gets out. You could start from her leaving the hospital with him. Maybe he's late. Create conflict, even if they love each other and it's quickly forgiven. Keep the viewer asking questions.
That's all I've got. Don't be disheartened, I'm not telling you all of this to sound smart as I've said it all before. I'm doing it to help. Please let me know if it is appreciated as I'm trying to gather whether it is worth my time continuing with these types of reviews... the other option being that I just ignore the script altogether. Cheers.