The Hard Goodbye by Keenan Bedenfield - Action, Adventure - Well on their road to manhood, and leading totally different lives, two childhood friends raised in the same foster home experience life changing events. 103 pages - pdf, format 8)

Keenan,

I took a quick look at your script. On the first page I noticed you registered this with the WGA; with a first draft no less. I think it may have been the wrong thing to do right now.  You write quite well and your dialogue is pretty good in some spots but I fear it will be overlooked with all the format and grammar problems.

Quoted Text CUTTY It’s 9:47 man. It’s been like ten minutes - you got shit to do?

Numbers should always be written: nine forty seven

Quoted Text INT. THEEM’S APARTMENT

You forgot something. This isn't good considering it's your first page.

Quoted Text A 2nd Security guard exits his patrol car and takes aim at Flaco and Cody. Flaco releases the shotgun and throws himself backward against a parked car. Cody swings the gun around and aims in the officers’ direction. Cutty driving on the highway. Cody slumped by the wheels of a vehicle dead. Flaco getting placed in handcuffs. Cutty in his bedroom hurriedly packing his clothes up in a garbage bag. Flaco being interrogated by detectives. Cutty entering a highway on-ramp headed North.

I like the montage, but it isn't formatted properly. Each shot should have it's own slug. There are a  bunch of different ways of writing a montage properly; yours is not the right way.

You may want to rethink the names THEEM and HAYMANOTT. These names are the oddest I have ever read. This isn't a fantasy; and your characters are not Orcs.

Overall the script needs a re-write. It's not bad. Despite the glaring problems your writing did hold my interest for the first ten pages then I tuned out. You have something here it just needs fine tuning. The good news is you can write.

Best of luck with it.

Lono