Comfort by Jakob Bo Veibel Jensen - Short, Drama - Nina Spiers struggles to find comfort after the loss of her husband. Based on the short story "Comfort" by Alice Munro. 25 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello jakob,

I read your entire script and there are some scenes that I really enjoyed. The one with Lewis and the student in the classroom was particularily sharp. Also you really understand how to write a spec script; you write simple enough, it has a quick pace, and you really strive to create an image in the readers mind. Good job there.

I am a short story writer who is transitioning to screenwriting and there are many pitfalls that come with adapting a short story to a screenplay. One is that screenplays are very strict when it comes to story structure and what your sceenplay is lacking a clear visible goal for the lead character. Basically the main character has his or her main visible goal defined in the first 25% then he or she pursues this goal, encoutering many challenges for the next half of the screenplay, and in the final 25% the main character makes a final push and either succeeds or fails in the climax. This is the three act structure and this is what your screenplay needs to work out most importatantly.

I was thinking that perhaps a linear timeline may be best and switching the lead character to Lewis since he is much more interesting than Nina. I think the diagnosis of ALS may be perfect for the midpoint (which is extremely important for screenplays). If you don't believe me read any Hollywood screenplay and see what happens in the middle. Usually something very significant.

Other than that good job on the screenplay. It raises many big questions about faith and God. Also about Creationism vs. Evolution and that's where this screenplay lives. Good job!

-Tom

Hi Tom,

Thank you so much for the read - I know a 25 page drama sounds terrifying.

One of the reasons I uploaded this script was to see how the narrative structure would be received - and I think you make a good point. Lewis is more interesting than Nina, as she is a somewhat passive character whose motivations are difficult to decipher.

I just liked the questions that arise with starting in media res, and also the suspense that arises in the scene between Lewis and Nina when he urges her to go play tennis.

But her storyline is somewhat weak, and having so many flashbacks is a bit confusing. I will work on making a linear story.

Thank you for your constructive feedback and kind words. I appreciate it immeasurably!

No problem.

If you are interested, last week, I uploaded a short script to the site last week which I adapted from a short story I wrote. It's called An Awakening and is about 10 pages long. Perhaps you could take a read and let me know what you think.

-Tom

I had a feeling early that there was something between Ed and Nina.  The kiss on the neck seemed too clinch it when Ed's wife got shook up. Letting us know a little more about that, or nothing would be good.  It didn't seem to contribute to the overall story.
The way Lewis described his feelings re life and death was very well defined by him throughout.  He said he didn't want his remaining life to be debilitating.  It seemed we could have read more into his tortuous debilitation.  To understand more talking his own life.
Your writing seems  succinct, to the point, without a flower path leading around and then to it. I like that.
DonaldC