Mechcraft by Brian Fitzpatrick - Sci Fi, Fantasy - After discovering he possesses telekinesis over a strange nano technology within his body, a dispirited teen becomes the target of relentless assassins who must stop him from turning the tide of a cataclysmic secret war. 106 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Brian,

Most readers critique as they go along rather than read a decent chunk of something and let the story sink in; it sunk in, congrats, what's going on is really cool. It's as if Luc Besson and John Hughes had a son in the Matrix. Love it.

If I'm not mistaken this is about Jake, I like Jake, we've all been Jake. So you really don't need the introduction at the Roxy.  Trent and Bex follow him around at high school and watch him fight for his friend Scott despite his clear disadvantage to the bullies. You have exposition that isn't force fed. We get the feeling that Bex and Trent are far more than students and have an interest in Jake. So you could kill two birds with one stone in this scene by introducing Jake and the two side characters. I'd start the story here.

Shit hits the fan after Jake and his parents have the talk. Perfect time to introduce Sasha. Once we meet her we know this woman ain't to be fiddled with through her conversation with Jake's parents. Again; good exposition.

Greg saying "let's take these assholes out!" on page 25 doesn't need to be there. It's a life and death situation and that sentence has been written over and over again since action movies gained headway. Same with "go to hell" on 26.

The car sequence could be tightened. Also when Bex makes the ramp with her hand blood I was asking myself "why didn't she just do that to begin with?" She could've fucked up one of the Hunters' Suvs right off the bat.

I don't buy Jake driving. He's just discovered that he's a cyborg. Also in his mind his parents may or may not be dead. It's just way too much for a sixteen year old to handle. So he definitely wouldn't say "nice trick" on 30, which also felt like a clichéd line within the context of the scene. Have Jake flipping out. Have Trent take one in the shoulder while he drives and Bex do the ramp thingy to save their asses from Sasha and her miscreants.

Your script has energy. Let's talk a bit and I'll read on.