Halloween Baby! by The Other Purple One - Short, Horror - A hip scientist invents a way to summon his dream girl from hell, but is she everything he's dreamed of? (PG) - pdf, format 8)

SPOILERS FOLLOW:

Nice whimsical one to start off with. And, I can tell you had a very entertaining time writing this.

Creative take on the challenge by making it a musical too.

I loved these lines:

She's
a southern belle, grapes fresh from
the pits of hell.

entranced goddess, menacing beauty, killer bust.

vibes of lewdness and lust  ;D

I need ya to slosh over me?  ::) this one's questionable.

Lastly, I would have preferred if you had written:

'The' instead of our melody is now SYNTHESIZED MADNESS.

- but that's a nitpick.

Gotta admit the lyric repetition did start to wear a little thin after a while - but you made up for it with a nice little denouement.

Great that you bought the cat back to life too.

Oh, the cat people are gonna love this one.

Musical theater was never my thing, so I couldn't get into this.  Others might love it, though.  Had a Rocky Horror/Bride of Frankenstein vibe to it.  Insane visuals and equally demented lyrics.  

This was different... Ha.

Musicals, also, are not my thing but you did a good job here. Some fantastic imagery. Especially when She arrives and the last scene in hell.

Enjoyable :)

PS.. poor Twigs. Awful lot for a cat to be put through ;)

I liked this and with some work it would make a good cartoon. It's written very well. Some of the lyrics missed but that's to be expected with just a week to work with.

This will take a long time to get perfect, but would be worth the effort, IMO. Some light-hearted Halloween fun.

Nice effort.

There's a lot of personality there, but not for me. Far too comedic.

I'm sure some would love it.

Very original. I don't think anyone would have come up with that for this challenge. It explains why he has to say dialogue out loud. Lol

It's a hit or miss for people on genre. I liked it. Lol.

How did the cat die? I don't recall he ever died.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

The cat's neck was wrung at the start to complete the spell.

Ah. I See it now.

A Horror Musical Short... These words do not inspire much hope in me. Still, I'm game. Read without too much prejudice, all that type of thing.

Well, I suspect it's Queen inspired. With tastes of Kiss, The Darkness and the like.

It's silly, but fun. Not really my type of thing. But Rocky Horror fans may find it enjoyable.

R

Hard to fully appreciate without the music, but agree with the above - this would make a fun animated short, perhaps stop-motion a la Nightmare Before Christmas?

Entertaining. Thanks!

Wow - that was weird!  I'll give the writer on this one lots of kudos for creativity.  It's colorful, decriptive and well written (not sure I cared for the specific lyrics though.)  The concept's bizarre and over the top - and it was meant that way. And it could be quite visually bizarre if filmed.  Blake Snyder would be sooooo upset about poor Twigs, though! :)

Cheers,

--J

This is my first OWC to read and I'm glad I picked this one.  Very unique and fun to read.

I thought it ran a little to long and figured it was padded to meet the challenge's criteria.  Sometimes, a script can get away with it and sometimes it can't; this one couldn't.


SPOILER SPACE

You need to give a little more emphasis on Twigs' demise.  It didn't register when Flash killed him and I had to go back and reread it.

Like I said, it was a fun reads.


Phil

This was a work of art for me. It picked up my interest from the get go, then held it up - you have it all, elements of horror, fun characters, well-thought lyrics. There were quite a few hysterical lines - the funniest when he called her bitch and in the middle when he became quite just for a moment and just asked "baby?". Lol, very funny.

I'm going to reread it just for fun and sing it out - I'll try to come up with a tune that fits.
Overall, it was a lot of fun, very entertaining, in fact amazing entry. I didn't expect to see anything like that in an OWC, let alone this particular OWC.

It's my first read in this OWC but I'm sure this one will remain my favorite. I'll remember it for a very long time.

Quoted from dogglebe You need to give a little more emphasis on Twigs' demise.  It didn't register when Flash killed him and I had to go back and reread it.

I picked up on that straight away. It's written very clearly already. If people are missing out words, that's hardly the writer's fault.

Well, as others have said, it's written pretty well and it's quite the unique take, but...

IMO, this is obviously a joke, and as Phil said, it just goes on too long.

Yeah, there are some clever and funny lines, but with something like this, when a line or thought doesn't work, it really sticks out and there are numerous ones here that are a big miss.

My issue is that you didn't really take this seriously, as this is obviously not horror, although, as some said, there are definitely elements of horror on display, but the overall mood has absolutely nothing to do with horror - it's slapstick comedy, and although I smiled several times, by the time I got to the end, I was happy the ride was over.

well that was different

on the plus side, it stands out, its simple and with a bit of luck could be filmed.

downsides, a bit too farcical  for my taste. i appreciate it has that rocky horror vibe, but like adding salt to food, it just had too much for me.

with extra pages you could have set him up as a loner, desperate for love/sex loves his cat - we like him -  but then realises the cat would make the spell. it as a price worth paying - but selling out on your buddies will cost you

i liked the lyrics but in line with others this could be shorter to add punch

cheers

Fire, brimstone, zoot suits...what more could one want? I like this A LOT. Goes from zero to sixty right from the start. Many funny lines. Even worked in a "it's not you, it's me" line. Great word choices (eg. ice shackles). As Dr. Flash, I think of a young Billy Idol or that guy in the B-52s or Johnny Depp or Steve Martin (Little Shoppe of Horrors version).

To the writer, Thanks!

One thing I'll say about this script:

Rocky Horror Show's continued success shows there's a market for this kind of thing...and it's getting lonely in that pool of one.
I've no doubt that done right this could find a fan-base.

What can I say? This a wonderful execution of something that’s just not up my alley. Well-written and clever. It would fit well beside Rocky Horror, but I turned that movie off halfway through. Musicals aren’t my thing. That being said, without the music it’s really only a half piece. Like watching a music video with the sound off and captions on, but I got a feeling you’ve got a tune in your head.

Kudos for coming up with something unique. It’s a brilliant way to get around the one character dialogue limit.

Wow a horror musical...original. And I like your logline.

Love the writing in this. Frowny face though poor Twigs.

O M G I super love this one. My favorite so far! And Twigs is back!!!! Very very coolness here.

Unexpected. Clever. I love cats...but I also love Little Shop Of Horrors and some good ol' Rocky Horror you know what I'm saying?

While really enjoyable, I have some minor quibbles, and here they are
There is a bit of Dr. Flash's lines which has a comma after a word-

Quoted Text DR. FLASH Admittedly a little bit nervous to, taste a wine from a girl so fine, I can only hope tonight, she's ready, and willing to serve it.

At first I thought it was a typo, but it it happens to be the wrong puctuation, giving a pause in the cadence where there shouldn't be one. Also, the dialog/ song alternates between italics and non-italics. Other than this, I can't find much fault with this as I enjoyed it. Coold make a shortlist withoutr much problem. It will be remembered. Stellar work.

The ROCKY HORROR tradition continues here, with some good laughs.

I loved the energy of the opening visual paired with the eerie guitar shred. I like the title style of cursive neon as well. I also really enjoyed your decision to follow a cat through this gothic castle, leading us to the mad scientist / doctor. I really dig this old school Victorian horror vibe blended / re-mixed with a pop music aesthetic. I also liked the steam-punk science elements. Very atmospheric opening.

Dark humour quickly follows with the final ingredient in the doctor’s concoction. I wonder if a minor tweak to the dialogue would better set the (musical) stage. Like, “On with the show” versus “the show must begin” – and an alteration to “grapes of –wrath- fresh from hell” – to keep this schlocky b-movie fun. I understand this dialogue is sung because of the title page. Perhaps you could add “singing” in parenthesis (versus italicized dialogue), at least with the 1st occurrence, so we know what to expect and clear any confusion. I thought if he was rhyming, he was singing. Kudos on the rhymes you came up with though.

The devil woman could have been more creative. Although, I suppose the familiar horned devil is appropriate for a comedic musical. I’m assuming the focus here isn’t on scares, so the creature design should be minimized. What follows is a horny young doctor trying to bang a devil.

The next cool moment for me was the visuals of the electric demon and her skin cracking, bursting light, and exploding eyes. I think you could add some jokes about making the wrong girl appear. Or a backup plan with another girl. Once he sees her explode, maybe he changes his mind. And the bland appearance of the traditional devil becomes something more gore-tastic – with oozing neon blood.

The intro to the Pits of Hell made me laugh. That description was perfect: “Fire. Brimstone. Zoot suits.” You perfectly set the mood of Hell with one tight and concise descriptive line. Once the doc’s face is ripped off maybe he can sing with a slur or impediment of some sort – for another dark joke. And maybe these demons could have a choreographed dance prepared for new inhabitants. Put those zoot suits to use, right. Hehehe.

Short and fast. A fun and atmospheric musical. But light on horror.   *** (out of 5)  

This is brilliant, awesome dude! or dudette, lol.

Right away it put me in mind of Brian De Palma's 'Phantom of the Paradise', which is probably my all time fav cult classic.

I can see it now. A psychedelic pop-rock opera; the theater done to the nines in colors so vibrant they burn out your retinas; Marshall stacks as high as the ceiling blowing paint off the walls; black luminescent blood under the purple neon...

Then there's drug laden Prima Donna front man Dr Flash (akin to 'Beef' from the Phantom) flanked by his blood craving minions, wailing out face melters on their stereophonic guitars; the backup singers scraping the audience for body parts so Dr. Flash can bring forth his demonic whore from beyond... Life at Last!

Aw, hell... something messed up like this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Psj1l6JHmPA

Really creative, great job!

Feels like someone’s channeling their inner Rocky Horror show...

A sassy, steampunk scientist -- nice, different.

Feels like a solid hand behind this -- plenty of slick visuals and enough charm to carry it through -- though I’ll admit to skimming some of the dialogue after a while as it seemed the idea was running on a bit.  Not sure the degree of levity suits the challenge but a good read nonetheless.  Now if there’s ever a musical OWC you’re quids in.

Oh man...poor Twigs!  

Being a HUGE "Rocky Horror Picture Show" fan, I loved this.  Lyrics could use some work but not bad for only a week's work! Fun stuff here. Looking forward to seeing who wrote it. :)

Quoted from mmmarnie Oh man...poor Twigs!   Being a HUGE "Rocky Horror Picture Show" fan, I loved this.  Lyrics could use some work but not bad for only a week's work! Fun stuff here. Looking forward to seeing who wrote it. :)

I'd a feeling some would see it that way. It wasn't me. Or for me. Nevertheless. Good to see someone enjoying something that much.

R

Definitely the most unique one I've read so far. Doesn't take itself too seriously and you can tell whoever wrote it had a lot of fun. Not the biggest fan of musicals but I thoroughly enjoyed this. Thanks.

SPOILERS

When I first read, "Horror Musical Short", I thought, "No, no, no. This is going to be bad."  I was wrong.  This nails "Halloween Horror" perfectly.  It was a lot of fun to read this.  It channelled Rocky Horror and Elvira for me. I could visualise the story very clearly and I didn't get pulled out of the story as I read it. The lyrics were a little forced at times, but given the amount of time to knock this out, that can be forgiven.

Commentary: This was NOT what I was thinking when I came up with the challenge.  I was thinking darker and way less dialogue.  However, the challenge isn't to read my mind.  The script fits the requirements laid out.  And, I really enjoyed it.  

If I wanted to be a dick about it:  The theme was sunset to sunrise the doors are open.  In this, the crossover happens at mid-night, tho I'd be the first to argue that the crossover happens within the time period specified.  

Halloween Baby!

Hello,

Difficult. I like that you go for attention. Your stuff is different.

It's not so Horror, but I guess the music could bring a nice, creepy mood on the floor. I appreciate you're trying to serve a different concept; that's an important understanding, for me. So, you would need good music and maybe rewrite till it's as funny and creepy and subtle as possible.

*spoilers*

I'll agree with the others, this must've been a blast to write! Definitely in the spirit of RHPS, Forbidden Zone, Little Shop of Horrors, and Phantom of the Paradise. I still get goosebumps when I see Winslow Leech drag his bloody ass across the deck as the party continues over his defeat.

What I dig about musicals is the moments of honesty the characters share with us amongst the complete craziness of their world. Dr. Flash was so obsessed to meet this chick - only to reveal his true, shallow nature - hell is always served with honesty. Fun stuff.

Writer,

I think this one has a lot of potential. Very different, edgy... Given more time this one could be much better. I think your lyrics worked in places, other times not. Great imagery, stylish writing.

Fav line:

Descending from the portal is ELECTRIC QUEEN, 20s, entranced
goddess, menacing beauty, killer bust. Her skin glows a neon
teal, her eyes ablaze with fire.

DR. FLASH
YEAAAA!

Yeah, I think if I was Dr. Flash I'd be saying that.

One thing I think brought this down was...

He dissed her because she had a zit? Wow. Pretty shallow, even for Dr. Flash. You might think he'd look past the zit, what with that killer bust and all!

Regardless, I liked it very much even though it didn't really fit the parameters of the challenge. But good luck with this! It seems like this can be stretched into -- drum roll -- a feature perhaps? Haven't had a good twisted musical in a while.

Steve

"Twigs Meows" is a great line.

"An image of a hot, devilish HORNED WOMAN, 20s, burns beside
him. Dr. Flash appraises her with his own pelvic thrusts." My sides. ;D

Okay, I have to say, I absolutely loved this. I mean, really loved this, it's special in every sense of the word special. It's got a lot going for it, enough so that it's actually struck inspiration in me for a few scripts of my own. The effort that goes into crafting lyrics but keeping the same pace as a normal feature in musicals always baffles me, but you do it really well here. I might have a clue about the writer, but I'd rather not embarrass myself. Will be interesting to see who wrote this, one of my favourite scripts for the past few OWCs.

Definitely like a few of the suggestions made by Dan too.

Whoever likes this may appreciate Simeli Mountain by Kyle Patric Johnson.
It's on MP:
http://moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=1372

Really great stuff. And the writer I'm sure will like Kyle's as well.

I'm a fan!! of both of you. ))

This is most certainly a serious effort, from a competent author.  Descriptions such as this are not found in a script where someone is just farting around:

Quoted from script ...a spindrift of funky, demonic forces...

Love it.  Word choice is perfect throughout -- and written with affection for past films that have tread similar territory, RHPS clearly amongst that short list.  Perhaps a dash of Dr. Horrible.

I am at a total loss to name a potential author here.  This almost feels like Shelton, for those who know him, but I doubt he is participating.

The only weak link for me is the zit.  Perhaps a smile -- revealing rotten teeth -- would be better -- or something a bit more off-putting than a single blemish, at any rate.

But high praise from me for this effort.  I do so hope it is an author who is active in this OWC.  I hate it when I really like a script from a slacker.

This was great.  Cool character names, awesome visuals, and I loved all the lyrics.

I didn't enter the OWC, so I don't feel obligated to read all the entries, but out of the few that I  checked out, this one is my favorite so far.

Whoever wrote this...great stuff, man.  You nailed it.

#1 Pick, by far!

13.  Halloween Baby! by The Other Purple One - A hip scientist invents a way to summon his dream girl from hell, but is she everything he's dreamed of?

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Halloween Baby!’ I’m expecting something fun!
Grinning in anticipation at the opening moments.
This is great. Like a RHPS+Nightmare Before Christmas mashup! Luv it!
Absolutely FANTASTIC!
Loved it. Great show. Delightfully entertaining. Thank you.
I hope you can cobble together enough material to write a feature and then get this produced. Good luck!

Suggested construct alternatives:
- None.

Impressive for just one week! Damn! Of course I'm the idiot that makes a one week challenge a two day challenge by procrastinating...anyway, I think this covers horror as far as genres go even if it's a musical. The guy's face is half ripped off, people! Excellent.

While musicals and such are not my thing, this one was a super fast read. Just a fun time at the SS rest stop.  Not much I can add, but I know I could never in a century write something so off the hook as this. Nowhere near what I would expect, but that's what creativity is all about. Thanks for saving the cat.

Still, very nice.  :)

Nice work. This was one of my considers. I gave it a consider and not a recommend because I feel the lyrics will need working on for quite some time to perfect. A week is nowhere near long enough to pull a script like this off to perfection.

I bet my mate would love this script. He's a music producer and has access to composers, singers and whatever. For a script like this the music would need to be produced from the ground up.

I think another expense with this would be animation. But I don't think it needs to be animation. We have a VFX guy that would probably love to get stuck into something like this.

Another thing is, I honestly think this would smash it at festivals. Especially those held close to autumn. You have to be remembered somehow and/or make people laugh. This script does both. It deserves a budget of several K, but could be done for less depending on resources. Good luck.

I can't believe you didn't divulge this info at the orgy!!

I'm gonna' resonate what everyone else is saying here. Fantastic, creative, huge shiny script man! ...was a favorite by far, and for obvious reasons... I'm jealous as hell that you pulled this off! Lol

I say that because I mulled over (for about 36 hours) a similar concept, but just couldn't figure out the logistics of it. I had a V.O. going on with my main character, but then realized it was against the theme rules, so I had to scrap it... eh, maybe in the days ahead I'll get something out.  Anyways, I was 110% on board with a vote to bring this in, congrats amigo, well done!

Hey all, thanks for every kind comment and having an open mind. Didn't really think this would live up to the high standards here, so I'm kinda shocked. I really thought it would divide opinions - which in a way it did - but I'm stoked that even though it wasn't up some readers' alley, it was still considered worthwhile.

Inspired by Purple Rain, Dr. Horrible, and some others that were in my "selfie" comment (RHPS a big one) I grew up on this stuff. I always wanted to do a musical, and hit me instantly when the challenge was announced. I was hoping to learn about correct formatting of musicals, maybe some pointers. The lyrics were an issue - I'm looking to fix that. I'm not much of a songwriter, hopefully I can get some help with that.

@ Darren

Thanks for the notes regarding cadence and puncuation. I didn't realize it until you said somthing. Also, looking over some other musical scripts, the sung part is italized, so I just switched them when we was kinda talking out the rhyme and when he sang it.

@ Rick

You totally blew my mind when you dropped Phantom of the Paradise. It too is one of my all time favs, bro.

@ Dan & Bert

Great suggestions! Mind if I use them? Lol!

@ Mo

Super stoked that I inspired you. Don't know what to say.

@ Marnie & Khamanna

Thanks for the orgy. I'm so glad you didn't know this was mine, part of the reason I left a comment on this. I felt the heat! Haha! Khamanna is psychic, you should ask her next time you're trying to figure me out.

Overwhelmed by this! Thanks everyone.

A different kind of musical. Lots of great visual fodder.
Ole Dr. Flash is one odd dude...  :)

Johnny

I actually looked up “Halloween Baby! song” since the opening lines suggest that we should be familiar with its tune…Let’s just say the search yielded “no results”.

You should know that screenwriting 101 will tell you that your protagonist may kill as many people as they want but under no circumstance must they murder animals, particularly cats and dogs! Dr. Flash had lost me by the end of page 1! Joking of course, on the contrary, I liked the surprise snapping of feline vertebra.

I also liked Dr. Flash’s caressing of the machine’s switchboard panel buttons before he presses them, a nice off-kilter touch.

Not much of a story here but I get that’s not the point, the lyrics/dialogue were amusing and inventive in parts and I have to give credit for something I wouldn't even attempt to write.

Plus, and most importantly, you saved the cat!

Col.

@ KPM & Col,

Thanks for the read. When I finished this, Twigs the cat was a goner for sure. Before I submitted it, I thought that bringing the cat back to life would win some folks over. :)

Like any musical, I wanted the weight of the story to fall on the lyrics, so yeah - not really too much narrative going on with it. Looking over it, some of the lyrics don't add up. I wrote the lyrics first and then tweaked them to fit the visuals. Needs more tweaking...