Impropriety by Richard Layman - Short, Horror - A deaf, dumb and blind man, reveals his true motivations to a nurse on Halloween night. (R ) - pdf, format 8)

Karma based horror with sins of the flesh.

An intriguing character leads the way. This short focuses on inner demons rather than otherwordly inhabitants. A lot of gore makes this not one for the squeamish.

I feel like the one speaker here should have been the nurse, Annie. It might be more natural. I felt like the priest would have talked, like allow me to help, unless he recognized David. The environment he's in begs for people to talk. Like the prostitute or jokers on the street. Different note... loved the transition between horror of sexual attack and headbanging (trying to be spoiler free with last bit). That was just a strong segue, visually and emotionally.

Bodyparts returning from limbo to haunt the person is an inventive concept though. For sure. He can't stop himself. That's the scary stuff here.  The multi coloured lights were creative too. Good twists too. The basement. The return of the dead.

I was expecting David to watch sunrise before he lost sight, only to have a nightmarish victim from his past return at the last second the portal is open. I would like to know more about how the portal activated,  but I suppose that's part of the mystery. I love the notion that karma opens it so he can be haunted by his past. You can't just cut out your past and be done with it.

Gore. Hauntings. And lights dripping eyeballs. A dose of batshit crazy  in the horror. ** (out of 5)

*spoilers*

The opening sequence with that chick twerking was visually humorous, yet it does wonders for David's character. I felt sorry for him. That's why the twist is so effective. Also, adding another layer on top of that - David retrains himself by self-mutilation - only to be tormented by its regeneration. Not only is that disturbing, it's downright biblical.

I enjoyed it, even when the supernatural visuals got a bit unclear, the flashback and ending helped tie it together. Good writing too.

A horror that fits the challenge! Well done.

Really interesting main character with a very interesting conflict.

I felt slightly cheated that it didn't go on for longer, mainly because of the above. Just when it got really, really interesting it ended.

Anyway, good job.

Yep... does it for me. Hit all the right notes, well written. Nice job.

This was interesting. I quite like the style and atmosphere. A tongue firmly implanted in the writer's cheek, I think. The character descriptions are a bit too minimal for me.

A couple of pages in though, I find I'm still waiting for the horror fantasy thing to start. Still, early days.

Things certainly perked up on page 3. Lot of imaginative writing going on. However, I'm a bit lost as to what it means exactly.

Ooh. Well, that was grim. But that's what it's all about.

Not bad at all.

It'll get comparisions to Jeepers Creepers. But never mind.

R

I like this.

It's a strange little story and I don't feel like I know exactly what went on.

But the writing is good and it's weird and kinda depressing, which I like. Ha.

Well done :)

Lots of great imagery and competent writing on display. As with another one I read earlier I enjoyed the first part of this better than the second.

Decent mix of horror and fantasy but I'll admit to being a little lost in the second half. You did a fine job btw depicting the relationship between Annie and David - his dependency on her, him breathing in her scent etc. Very nice.

Of 4 scripts, this is easily the best.

Writing is OK, but a bit sterile and in many places, extra words do nothing but take up space.  Adding in the very short scenes and no dialogue, and this 5 page script is really probably only 4 or so pages.

But, it's fairly effective.  I just wish some things were made more clear - and I'm talking about who each character is, other than David - using costume names for characters doesn't work for me, because I have no idea how old they are or anything about them as a person.

I'm not sure about the portal thing either - yeah, sure there was a portal, but did anything really go in or come out?  Kind of, I guess.

Biggest issue I had here is the length - this so easily could have been another 2, 3, even 4 pages longer, and in this case, it would have helped.

It's pretty good, though.  Easily the leader in my book, and I'll actually say overall, I liked it.  

Hello richard...

logline...deaf, dumb and blind - i thought someone would go down this route. ill be interested to see how you pull this off. lets see..

thats was tortured stuff
a vampire i suppose - dracula being the forewarning - thats tries to stop himself, but is cursed to remain.

with a only a few pages i suppose we are going to be left short changed, ands a bit how i feel. why not more?

the connection with the sphere and return of his tongue just feel a little out of the blue in such length. but...with more pages this take could give the old myth a personal dynamic and tragedy

why frankenstein on the laptop, or why the laptop etc?

otherwise, quite effective and with good potential

When I reached a hooker wiggling her tits at him I thought it was a pisser.

Then again I thought it was a pisser when he caught his tongue and put it back in his mouth. Not that I didn't enjoy that part - it was quite funny.

THe first part kind of stretched a bit longer for my tastes. I think the meat of the story is the second part.

You have a hooker, a drug dealer and others - this is all just to describe the surroundings. You could do with a couple of descriptive words to let us know about the place I think.

I don't think I liked this one.  I would have to read it again to be sure.  If anything, following the only-one-person-can-have-dialog rule ruined it more me.

All the rules for the OWC were here:  horror, fantasy, that dialog thing.  I liked your descriptions of things; you're storytelling was good.  It just didn't work well for me.

I wish I could say more.


Phil

This one was a strange little story for me. Severed tongues, floating eyeballs just plain creeeeepy! ;) I felt like some of the scenes were over played out. Like it was clear early on how dependent he was of Annie. Also why Dracula on the ladder? Frankenstein on the laptop? I am guessing it was your way of showing the portal or whatever happened with the light happened near Halloween? Why did he kill? Because people dressed in costume? I was a bit confused.

Good writing, easy to read, and it fits the challenge. I'll remember this one, how can anyone forget those eyeballs and that tongue..I liked this.

He killed because he's a sexual deviant killer who had previously ripped his own eyes and tongue out to stop himself.

Was clear to me...and was a lovely little story.

Well written, kudos.  I did have some problems with this one.

You develop such a great empathy for the character in the first few pages.  How helpless he is.  How ostracized and separated from society he is.  The touches where he attempts to physically connect with Annie the nurse making it all the more touching.

Then the flashback.  Which, for me, was far too over the top.  Unless he's supernatural in some way (that you don't establish), there's no way a serial killer's going to be able to nail his own tongue to the table.***  Or continue to gouge out his own body parts after he does that amount of damage with the first few.  That- honestly - strained my disbelief and took me out of the story.  Also, the portal has no explanation... adding one that's organic to the story in some way (if that's possible) would be an enhancement. And the bodies were still in his basement?  How long ago did he multilate himself, and the police never found anything?

All that aside, this was obviously written by someone who CAN write.  And that itself is always a nice thing to read. But this one... wasn't right for me....

Cheers,

--J (W)

** Not unless your name is Gene Simmons.  :)

Part of the fantasy genre is that supernatural events are not explained.

That's kind of why it's fantasy.

We/I need to see Annie's cans...badly lacking is gratuitous T & A.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Not sure I understand it all, but there's an unholy aura about this that makes it work.

Thumbs up.

I see the idea behind this one and I like it -- for me a few logic issues kept me from getting fully behind it; but given the parameters of the challenge it's a given that there's limitations.

Given his apparent remorse I think we could do with some reason (real or imagined) why David chooses to mutilate himself for his crimes instead of killing himself -- maybe he can’t?  Also if he knows himself to be a danger why (assuming the reality would be a choice) would he consent to visits from a nurse -- especially on Halloween if he knows he’ll end up brutally murdering her?  

Impressed at the lack of dialogue -- so kudos on that one.

Solid idea, a little more work on the set-up could see it hit home -- if you were in the mind to take it beyond the OWC that is.  P.3 stands out -- a horrific take on the DIY ‘see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil’ theme.

Just disappointed we never got to see if David sure played a mean pinball…

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Part of the fantasy genre is that supernatural events are not explained. That's kind of why it's fantasy.

Sorry, Rick - got to disagree with you on this one.  Fantasy works best when it has an organic, internal logic - which this one doesn't.  (I'm sure the script could be reworked to have that, but it doesn't now.)  For instance, with the Dr. Flash script, the mad scientist creates the portal.  That makes more sense then having something appear willy-nilly.  Another example - Harry Potter - the existence and rules of magic is carefully explained.  Even with Fantasy, things are better when they have reasons...  :P

Quoted from wonkavite Fantasy works best when it has an organic, internal logic - which this one doesn't.

I took the fantasy as being in his mind. Obviously he couldn't literally cut his own eyes out. I took it all as figurative. In his mind he is cutting off his own tongue etc, in a see no evil kinda way, then wears the glasses and even believes he has hollow pits for eyes. The reality is he has eyes, tongue etc, but each Halloween he reverts back to type with a fantasy in his mind about his parts being returned.

This is definitely the most gruesome script I've read so far, seriously twisted!

I'm not sure David is dumb, as stated, deaf and blind yes, but I think he fully understands what's happening, and besides his internal dialog (telling him to constantly mutilate himself), he's ensuring he cannot see or speak of the evils he has done to others, or that he's being used as a scapegoat to fulfill some other beings lust for carnage.

Curious that no one would smell the rotting bodies from the basement, mind you... they are wrapped in plastic, lol. The demonic disco ball, throwing psychedelic beams everywhere is a nice touch, kind of like a rainbow road to the underworld of pain and debauchery.

This somehow puts me in mind of a horror from the 80's '976-EVIL'  not sure why, lol... I'll have to watch it again someday.

Any ways, good writing with some very unique and disturbing visuals at work here...

I thought this was well written, but yet another script where the concept and theme could have been further explored with more pages.  This idea of a self mutilating sexual deviant is an interesting one, and the twist at the end is successful, but would have had even more of an impact if the relationship between David and Annie went even deeper than shown.  Only one page is dedicated to their relationship.  If David's unrequited love for Annie was shown throughout the script, then his betrayal of her would have been much more devastating, IMO.

The DRACULA and FRANKENSTEIN appearances were rather awkward and unnecessary.  

Several people have mentioned that the fantasy elements in these scripts don't need any explanation, and I agree to a certain extant.  But in this script I think it would have given us more insight into David as to why this interdimensional entity has cursed him.  What has he done to deserve this nightmarish fate?  

That being said, definitely one of the top entries so far.

  

Quoted from DustinBowcot I took the fantasy as being in his mind. Obviously he couldn't literally cut his own eyes out. I took it all as figurative. In his mind he is cutting off his own tongue etc, in a see no evil kinda way, then wears the glasses and even believes he has hollow pits for eyes. The reality is he has eyes, tongue etc, but each Halloween he reverts back to type with a fantasy in his mind about his parts being returned.

But if he has eyes, tongue, etc., why would he need a live in nurse?

Because he believes he doesn't have them and needs a home help nurse.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Because he believes he doesn't have them and needs a home help nurse.

The first line of the script clearly states "DAVID (60s), blind and deaf"  And that's exactly what the writer meant.  If it was a man who simply believed he was blind and deaf, he'd be in a mental institution.  I seriously doubt any nursing service would send a live in nurse to stay with some guy who didn't need it.  The whole point of this script is that the guy is caught in this never ending cycle of murder and self mutilation.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Because he believes he doesn't have them and needs a home help nurse.

Totally incorrect assumption, Dumsh..I mean Dustin.  Way off base, bro..

Quoted from Ryan1 The first line of the script clearly states "DAVID (60s), blind and deaf"  And that's exactly what the writer meant.  If it was a man who simply believed he was blind and deaf, he'd be in a mental institution.  I seriously doubt any nursing service would send a live in nurse to stay with some guy who didn't need it.  The whole point of this script is that the guy is caught in this never ending cycle of murder and self mutilation.

The story makes perfect sense to me if he isn't actually blind, deaf and dumb at all and the fantasy is all in his mind. Yes, I agree he is caught in a never ending cycle of murder then self mutilation... that still works if he's imagining it. The nurse thing... my mate's wife used to run a business where she sent girls and the occasional guy out to stay at disabled people's homes. Private company. They'd accept money from anyone that could afford it and send out the poorly trained staff.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. It'll be interesting to see what the writer says at the end. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

Quoted from Dreamscale Totally incorrect assumption, Dumsh..I mean Dustin.  Way off base, bro..

Is this yours? How could you know otherwise? This can't be yours, it's written too well. Unless you've been taking some hard lessons from Ledbetter? Always a possibility I suppose.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Is this yours? How could you know otherwise? This can't be yours, it's written too well. Unless you've been taking some hard lessons from Ledbetter? Always a possibility I suppose.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Yeah...sure, bro.  You're the master here, huh?  Tell us and enlighten us all.  Please...

I'll just say what everybody's thinking...

Can you two get a room?

R

Very effective, nicely done. That said, the OWC calls for scripts that are 8-10 pages. Since there doesn't seem to be much dialog even from one character,  little bit would not have hurt. On the other hand, I like the fact that the majority of the script relies on visuals. Could have sweatedout one more page or just a little more just to get past seven. I'd even suggest a little more good ol' white space if you really had to.

Didn't outright hate the piece. It's good- just needed more.

Right off the bat, a nitpick. You can’t see someone is deaf. Maybe you can see they’re blind, if they have cataracts or something. But you can’t see deaf until you observe the character’s actions (you know, I get to the end and he didn’t have to be deaf at all).

I liked this as I read. The visuals sold the story and the end was nice and gruesome, but it left me with one big question. What was compelling him to kill that he couldn’t just… not? He says, “I tried” and I’m thinking “but…?” What is it about having eyes and a tongue that makes him kill? What is it about not having them that stops him? Maybe the eyes I get (though he has ample opportunity to kill Annie even as a blind man), but the tongue doesn’t make much difference. It’s not like he was real chatty when he killed her. I’m not worried about the light, I’ll let that be the fantasy. But for this to feel complete I at least need to know why cutting his tongue out is even a thing that matters.

To be honest, you’d think he’d cut off his penis. But I don’t think you could have a floating penis arising from a vortex and not have people call it a pisser.

Quoted from rendevous Can you two get a room?

Does it contain an octagon-shaped cage?

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley That said, the OWC calls for scripts that are 8-10 pages.

It was 6-10 pages. I'm starting to think you don't pay very much attention, Daz.
http://simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-OWC1014/m-1413583373/

Quoted from EWall433 Right off the bat, a nitpick. You can’t see someone is deaf. Maybe you can see they’re blind, if they have cataracts or something. But you can’t see deaf until you observe the character’s actions (you know, I get to the end and he didn’t have to be deaf at all).

I thought that too at first, but then I noticed the writer make mention of a red and white cane. I Googled and lo and behold red and white canes are how we see a blind and deaf person. Whodathunkit?

From what I get from the story, he did need to be deaf as it is a see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil type of horror. The three wise monkeys. It has had philosophical, mystical and even religious connotations for centuries. I thought that was what stood out the most from this piece.

You're telling us he's deaf. Not sure how we're supposed to know this. If you didn't tell us I just would have assumed he was blind. You need to show us. Somehow. Not sure how but if it's important to the story it needs to be shown.

What does a "home-help nurses uniform" look like? Is it different from a regular nurse's uniform? Maybe it should be written on something. The name of her company or her position on her name tag or maybe a bag she carries.

Also on Pg. 1 - "Dracula" is balanced on ladder(s)??  He's on more than one ladder?? So he's putting lights up and I'm picturing him up by the edge of the roof stringing lights. He has one foot on one ladder, the other foot on a second ladder. Somehow Annie lets him smell her neck. Does she climb the ladder?  I reread this a few times...was David in the car with her and it was David who smells her neck? The whole scene is very hard to picture. Make sure your descriptions make sense. Lots of confusing stuff that made me think way too much instead of moving on to the next page.

Okay, this was beyond confusing for me to picture. I went back and read some of the other comments and other people understood it so I tried again. Maybe I need more coffee because I still wasn't grasping what was going on.

Without other people talking to him, and him not responding, I'm wondering how the audeince is supposed to pick up the fact that he is deaf? Perhaps a loud noise he doesn't respond to?

On page 2 - I don't get where anyone is. Annie drives up - where is David? Who is the Vampire?

Why do they get crushed going in the door?

His knee strokes her? How small is this table?

How old is David in the flashback? Is this recent? Distant past?

Story wise, interesting premise, good gore. Still don't know why did the orb give him his parts back though. Perhaps, if this were a reoccurring thing he could be like "not again!" -- but how would he explain the fact that all his nurses go missing? And wouldn't the police come to investigate, and smell the bodies...

For those ignorant of what a red and white cane means: http://www.lorm.cz/en/red_and_white_cane/cane.php

SPOLIERS

Wow!  That is some sick sh*t. I didn't understand all the motivations behind the events.  Annie and David's relationship. Annie is a live in home care giver that will also give him a handy periodically?  

"Halfway in, they find themselves crushed against each other
and David pauses to catch his breath."  I didn't understand this.  Was this an embrace of lovers or did they bump into each other entering the house or is David just out of breath from walking?

Does David remove his eyesight, hearing and speaking ability to prevent him from raping and killing his caregivers? If it only happens on Halloween that his senses are restored and he knows he is going to kill his caregivers, wouldn't he try to prevent that in the future?  Wouldn't Annie's Frankenstein boyfriend figure out pretty quick what happened to Annie?

All in all, I enjoyed the story.  It fit the theme.  Putting aside my urge to understand the motivation of the characters (which isn't always needed), this was an entertaining story and I liked it.  And, I sort of liked that I didn't understand everyone's motivations. It definitely left me thinking about it.

Impropriety

Hello,

Write what you know, researched, or thought about once.

I get the feeling you don't know how perfectly a blind person's senses are, and also their detailed memories about places they've been or people they've met etc.

"His hand moves gently around her back, feeling the contours"
... guides him over....
No.

It's his own home and she helps him out of the jacket, leads him into the living room. The blind man needs to be washed?

I'm sorry, the whole blind man angle is out of your knowledge and control. You know I can imagine you have a twist, I skipped a bit forward to watch out for one, but, EVEN IF THERE'S AN EXPLANATION WHY DAVID COULDN'T EAT ALONE WITHOUT ANY HELP, as every blind man on earth can — IT'S TOO LATE AT THAT POINT "or they has to be a hint why he's not acting like a blind man."

Again, I'm sorry. This doesn't work for me. It somehow breaks with reality in a way it shouldn't for too loong, even if you have that needed explanation in the end...

Well, that was brutal. I'm not sure if I understood it all but I liked it. He's a serial killer that couldn't stop himself so he cut out his eyes and tongue. When the portal opened, he got them back and killed again? That's what I took from it, anyway.  

At first it felt a bit unnatural that none of the characters spoke. I know it's all part of the challenge but it felt to me that the 'one character can speak limitation' had been wasted here. But when David finally speaks, it made a big impact and I probably wouldn't of known what was going on without it. Good work there.
    
Regarding the last comment. You have a valid point if he was like this from birth, or an early age. But in the flashback it clearly shows that he disfigured himself. I don't know how long it takes for a recently blind person to adjust, but he probably hasn't been like this for very long. It might of helped if the writer slipped an age into the flashback. I assumed it was about a year or two back, but wasn't certain.

Good work, overall. Unique, ruthless and very enjoyable.

Regarding the last comment: In my review, I twice referred to the fact that there might be an explanation. Still a commenter comes along and puts words out of the whole context of my review. Fine. So, I clear it up again, for the author, that it wasn't my fail as the reviewer above tries to explain,,,, and I 100% think the used method of this distraction's wrong with regards to our craft.

Sure in a script you can change things with a twist and make things understandable backwards. That doesn't work in any case. Let's say the author wanted to show he's not a skillful blind man yet, ok, then it's still unbalanced to show that for minutes. It's too close to reality and it doesn't work to let the audience ask for minutes why the blind man is helpless. They lose trust immediately and it's not clever and satisfying in the end to understand: Ah, now I know the reason why the man was disoriented for minutes and several scenes. Great.

It was important to me to make the author understand that imo it's a wrong story structure even if "she or he has an explanation". It's too close to reality and comes across as a rational mistake of the story; no matter if we learn it's not afterwards.

This kind of distraction, in its method, doesn't work for me Period

PrussianMosby.  I wasn't having a stab at you in any way. Sorry if I offended you. I was just trying to point out something that some may of missed or not understood fully. I won't bother next time.

I'm pretty sure the author outed theirself on the title page. People who've been here longer than me might be thinking the same.

This was an interesting one and quite the take on the one character only dialogue concept. I really like the angle of controlling his urges or something forcing him and paying such a price to attempt to stop it. It falls kind of flat because it's not clear why though. What exactly made David do all of this and why did he have to remove his eyes, ears and the tongue?

I think a glance of what exactly forced him to do all of it would be a big benefit. Maybe show the voices (could be done without actual dialogue by showing a schizophrenic attack for example), visions of some sort? I'm not so sure about the tongue, really. If it could control his actions then it'd be in the brain.. which he could hear without needing ears anyway?

I'm not so sure about David not being able to find the food on his plate, looks like he's been blind for a while. He did manage to walk home all on his own judging from the opening scene, eating should be nothing compared to that. Unless he gets a kick out of being fed of course, which would be imo be a good angle to go with.

There's a lot of scene changing happening very quickly, I'm not sure how well this would transition to the screen.

Good work. I think it lacks in areas, but there's a great premise with a very interesting main character, it's creepy and has well handled challenge parameters.

Quoted from DS I'm pretty sure the author outed theirself on the title page. People who've been here longer than me might be thinking the same.

I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this and I've been here a good while, but I don't see the 'outing' with the title page?

Quoted from LC I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this and I've been here a good while, but I don't see the 'outing' with the title page?

PMed you what I had in mind. ;)

I think this is well written, but the horror is somewhat diminished by the weirdness -- which is fine, of course, it actually made it easier to read but as a film this might be only a bloody sort of curiosity.  

SPOILERS

I don't really understand why eyes and a tongue would cause David to behave monstrously when smell and touch did not.  Demonic eyes and tongue -- and teeth, perhaps...

The creepiness in every aspect of the story is powerful.  For me there was little emotional attachment to any of the characters so there's less drama, more visual shock.  
Considering the rules of this OWC I think this script is successful.

17.  Impropriety by Richard Layman - A deaf, dumb and blind man, reveals his true motivations to a nurse on Halloween night.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Impropriety’ I have no idea where this will be going, especially with a horror-fantasy genre. It seems more of a title for a Jane Austen book-film.
Sorta interesting opening sequence.
Interesting transition into portal/limbo.
Cool forced reconstitution. Gruesome!
And so he kills Annie?! Okay. I’ll just go with it.
Nice basement scene.
Nice eye-spooning.

Alrighty, then… ! Eh… ah… yeah… That happened. Not much of a story. Lotta good gruesome scenes after a kinda long intro. I missed where the “impropriety” part kicks in. Annie’s Frankenstein side biz didn’t really seem to have a strong motivating thrust to it.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Make the title less coy, more direct.
- Cut the lengthy scenario intro.
- Add more to the reason that he murders the girls annually.

Your writing is visual, very visual. Pretty twisted stuff. It just wasn't clicking for me. I liked the way the story opened, but I was one of those readers who needed more to connect things at the end. Sorry.
David says "I tried." Tried to stop his actions? I'd like to see him try harder, give it a good effort to restrain himself. I could feel for a character that can't help himself. But I need to see the effort. The prayer wasn't enough for me.
Maybe Annie tries to escape which forces David to get aggressive.
You write that "tears fall from (Annie's) eyes as he tries to kiss her. I'm thinking, what if they are David's tears falling on Annie. Then I know he's tormented.
In the end he is what he is.
It was ambitious in a weird way and you do command the page. Not much else to say. I'm curious as to who wrote this piece. Once revealed, I don't want you in my neighborhood. Ha.

I read this before. Re-read it again.

My thoughts poured on to this thread:

This should be expanded.

Was David the Dracula character in the beginning? If so, need to mention it , since I didn't get it into Annie helped him in the house.

Why does he go all psycho over her at the end? She helped him and yet dies.

I guess it's a karma tale but I never got it. Keep working on it. Writing never stops. lol

Hope this helps.  

Dustin, I'm surprised I'm saying this, but as I do always say, I never have a problem coming clean.

I gave you a consider, and if not for a few misfires, I think I could have given you a recommend.

Good job here.

You know, as I started reading this, the thought crossed my mind that this one could be yours, Dustin. But the further I got into the story, I enjoyed the AHS vibes and its direction. Very different tone - as it should be - from the others script I read. Good luck with this, you have a good range of storytelling.

Thanks for the comments, but I must disagree that this script needs more. I stripped it down to only what is needed, so it takes reading it and perhaps understanding a little about the three wise monkeys.

Dracula and Frankenstein are simply extras, which is obvious as they get their own intro's. Not really my fault if the reader hasn't got that. Plus it is Halloween and it's nice to have those characters in it, even as a cameo.

The deaf, dumb and blind thing is explained with the red and white cane. Most (not all) deaf and blind people do not speak. So that explains the dumb description before we've seen inside his mouth. I remember one reviewer believing the definition of dumb was stupid. It also means one cannot speak.

In regards to a blind person needing help... it is not a case of needing it, but a person being kind enough to give it even when not required. I'll help remove an old person's jacket for them, or carry their bags and they don't need to be disabled in any way. Likewise with the food, the script does not say that she feeds him, but states she occasionally helps him. She's just being kind, which is what she's there for.

A home help nurse's uniform is usually a different colour to white, they can be blue, red or green but are normally blue.

He kills because he is a serial killer. He enjoys raping and killing but wishes he didn't. How many will know something is bad for them yet do it time and time again anyway? The morning after the night before is often a time where one swears they will never do it again! Then lo and behold, soon as the next full moon rises, we're at it again.

The gouging of the eyes etc is all metaphorical, likewise he gaining them back. Hence the title. It is about simple impropriety, only taken to an extreme.

Quoted from Dreamscale Dustin, I'm surprised I'm saying this, but as I do always say, I never have a problem coming clean. I gave you a consider, and if not for a few misfires, I think I could have given you a recommend. Good job here.

I wonder if you would have liked it if you knew I wrote it to begin with?

It has been something of an aim of mine to impress you with one of my shorts, even if it is just a little bit. Thanks mate.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I wonder if you would have liked it if you knew I wrote it to begin with?

LOL...hard to say, actually.  I try not to discriminate, but to be honest, I guess you never know.  Which is 1 reason I love the OWC's, as no one knows going in and eveyone can be/should be completely honest in their reviews.

[/quote]It has been something of an aim of mine to impress you with one of my shorts, even if it is just a little bit. Thanks mate.[/quote]

Well done.  Keep cranking 'em out.  Wish I had some interest in writing, but I can't seem to find it these days.  Hopefully soon.

This had some interesting elements.

I liked by the self mutilation angle with David as punishment for the (seeming) innate evilness inside of him. Or did he strike some pact with the dark lord?

Also, it was clever how when he's introduced, blindly walking through the streets unbeknownst to the world around him, both nefarious and derisive, that we automatically sympathize with his plight. Even when he is groping Annie we tend to dismiss it and cut him some slack because of his unfortunate circumstance. He's just a harmless old man, right? Grant him a cheeky fondle!

Of course this is all flipped on its head when we find out what's really going on. That was a neat sleight of hand, challenging our preconception like that, which I enjoyed.

I did wonder why he didn't just top himself altogether since he is clearly remorseful about the whole arrangement, these primal urges to harm others. Or does his master have some omnipresent wh#ay of preventing him from committing suicide? Why not chop off his hands or his dick for that matter since there was clearly a sexual element to his murderous side. Did you choose self eye gouging and de-tonguing so we could have that misleading intro? Or was was it symbolic? Or better still, a King Lear reference? ;)

Also, why keep the corpses on his premises? Surely in the 12 months in which he is blind, especially with hope-help nurses occupying the house with him, he would definitely be found out. I appreciate you want to show David's list of previous conquests but why not have him drive out to some hidden, undisclosed location to dump them? That way you keep the shocking visual, get the ritualistic nature of it across and build up the tension some more.

Also, after the second or third time he blinds and de-tongues himself won't the hospital/authorities be like "Ok, man, why does this keep happening to you? And on Halloween night too?" ;)

Anyway, this was an effective and disturbing piece. Tight, economical storytelling.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I did wonder why he didn't just top himself altogether since he is clearly remorseful about the whole arrangement, these primal urges to harm others. Or does his master have some omnipresent wh#ay of preventing him from committing suicide? Why not chop off his hands or his dick for that matter since there was clearly a sexual element to his murderous side. Did you choose self eye gouging and de-tonguing so we could have that misleading intro? Or was was it symbolic? Or better still, a King Lear reference? ;)

Never really been a fan of Shakespeare. Hated it even as a youth. Yes, it's symbolic.

Quoted Text Also, why keep the corpses on his premises? Surely in the 12 months in which he is blind, especially with hope-help nurses occupying the house with him, he would definitely be found out. I appreciate you want to show David's list of previous conquests but why not have him drive out to some hidden, undisclosed location to dump them? That way you keep the shocking visual, get the ritualistic nature of it across and build up the tension some more.

I'm not sure that I can agree with you here. I don't feel how he gets away with it all year is important to this short. It's just a short, scary story that should provide some nice visuals along the way.

Quoted Text Anyway, this was an effective and disturbing piece. Tight, economical storytelling.

Thanks mate. Appreciate your efforts with the review.