Reynard: Doors & Rings by Dark Stanley - Short, Horror - An abusive husband pushes his wife to extreme action only to have him pursue her return from a world he belongs in. (PG) - pdf, format 8)

Weird title. But I ain't read the script yet, so that's hardly fair. Nothing new there then.

Start of page two left me bewildered. So I went back. Found out my reading skills are somewhat slack.

It's well written. Only real gripe is I don't like dialogue being punched. But I get why you did so.

Reynard seems to have changed her name slightly. Apart from that it's very good. Enough said.

R

I like that this started out with some action. We get a quick feel for Marcus and Lauren.

I dug the initial underworld stuff. I could see it being filmed in a very surreal and trippy way. Actually reminds me of the dream sequences in the MAX PAYNE video game. At page 5 though, Reynard becomes Dark Lauren and also becomes Renard and I’m not sure whether that’s a misspelling or intentional. Capping the intro of these new “entities” may have saved me some confusion.

I like the gist of the ending, with Lauren being given a fresh start and Marcus being trapped in Otherworld Purgatory. But I’ll admit I got lost around the time Dark versions of characters started appearing. At one point Marcus yells, “You lying bastards!” But I was never clear what they promised. Or what he wanted. He seemed equally interested in finding his wife and getting his hands on Reynard (why, I’m not sure). But of course that’s the challenge in a nutshell. How to communicate all that. Unfortunately I couldn’t grasp it, and maybe it's just me.

So pretty good bookends to the story, a nice surreal otherworld, but also some cloudiness in the plot. All in all not bad for a week's work.

Now, do I dare.... Yes I do.

CONGRATS on completing the OWC!
(and :P to the valediction nazis)

Okay, Let's get one thing straight. Early on there's way to much overuse of the cutoff to different sub-locations, and done incorrectly. It got on my nerves fast.

Quoted Text He steps back, BAM! kicks open the door then enters the... INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Fists clenched, his focused attention scans from bed to window to closet to... INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Lauren rests still beneath the bathtub water.

The problem is that the HOUSE is the main location. Therefore, you won't need INT for every one of them. NIGHT isn't needed because the action should be from room to room, in the moment. It was constant and took me right out.  It should also be noted that Marcus scans the bedroom but does not enter the bathroom.

The Trick Treaters at the beginning don't have much to do. They are there only to establish  Halloween night and nothing more. Would have liked to see them run about the house. And what's up with Fox Face? He's there and then he's gone. Marcus pursues. and pursues..he gets angry. He flies into a rage of epic preportions.

I don't know. Might be just me. Feels a bit clunky. And I didn't give two hoots about Marcus. Sorry.

-DjS

My first of this OWC

Quite like the LOGLINE and mystery of the title. Let's see...

Some nice writing displayed and within reason more likely to be filmed than others will be.

Almost I sense the writer of this one.

Got to say it did lose me a touch and felt a bit repetitive by the end, rings and mirrors and dark versions etc

As absuer is a good character to use and you open late which is sound. I found his blaming of her a little strong and perhaps this could be blended with more confusion. Why did you do this etc they often have little conenction to what they do, as you convey, but here the blame feels a little heavy

So, the exchange of rings swaps them? I would have to re read that as I don't recall any change.

The surreal baby ? It would add tension but is never resolved, well to me anyway

So, an abuser leads to his wife killing herself and Reynard - Foxman was that the same - and the ghosts seek revenge. They are successful because...they get an exchange of rings?

So, sound effort, but like many OWC just needs a few tweaks, IMO

Cheers

Had an interesting Dark Fantasy tone. You could imagine it looking good on screen.

Never personally had much of an idea of what was at stake or how anything worked.

Not quite enough of anything in particular at the moment. Not particularly scary, or emotional. Marcus is essentially a dis-likable character, which makes in hard to want him to win, so that limits any tension in the Otherworld.

Would probably work better with Lauren as the main character, having to escape the Dark Marcus.

Not very easy to follow (partly because of the Reynard / Renard typos throughout, had to make sure it you hadn't introduced a new character when RENARD first appeared.)

Also - and I wonder if this will be a theme of the entries - the requirement of one character being allowed to speak means that some of the dialogue feels pretty unnatural and exposition-y. Mainly talking about page 2 there.

BUT the tone is great, it drips with confusion and surrealism. Nice work there. Bit of a paradox: while it's an enjoyable reading experience, I think visually I had a tricky time following the images you were describing. So atmosphere won out over clarity, you may want to readdress that.

Also liked the twist ending. Particularly the closing image. That was excellent.

I'm starting to get a little lost with the switching around of characters... at page 5.

It seems a bit everywhere at the moment, could do with a rewrite to tighten it up. Not bad, all in all, but not for me right now.

The transition to Marcus killing Lauren was a little abrupt for me - I would have liked a little more lead in and build up to this - mind you with a limited page count it's no easy task to get all of the story onto the page.

Nice horror tone to the script but I found the repetition a bit tiresome and found I was scanning a little too much. I guess all the repetition is a horror/ground-hog device but I had a bit of a hard time with it.

'supporates into rage' - suppurates?

I don't recognize that word - is it a typo and meant to be 'suppurates' in that case 'fester' might be a more accessible word imh. Sometimes the simple word works best. I'm all for giving us something unfamiliar - we're in the 'words' business after all but I'm not sure it worked - least for me. Apologies if it appears I'm being pedantic.

It's not bad I just have to wonder if it could have been executed in a more streamlined way. Great idea, though.

Well, we all knew it was bound to happen and it happened here first.  I wasn't able to get through this completely and started skimming on Page 4, finally throwing in the towel on Page 5.

Dialogue is not well done.  Transitions not well done.  Writing is awkward throughout.  Story is hard to follow.  The repetition is irritating.

This just didn't work for me, sorry to say.

I read this twice and I'm still not sure what I read.  While I think you have the mind games down packed, the story is just a little too loose.  I wasn't sure exactly what was going on.

The best thing for this story would be to turn the mood down a little bit and make the story a little more cohesive.

Hope this helps.


Phil

I think a good job has been done with the atmosphere here. If a filmmaker wanted to do something cool and out there with some cinematography and editing this could be interesting. I found it a tad difficult to follow as well around page 5.

It feels like the writer wanted to make this PG and in the end the dialogue suffered a lot from it. The script is hard to take seriously with the current cheesy lines that Marcus utters out. Can't buy him as an abusive husband, he seems almost harmless.

I'd have to agree with the other reviews that this one suffers from a lack of clarity.  Even if most of the story is hallucinatory, the reader still needs to be able to grasp what's going on.  I couldn't figure out what Reynard the fox man or the ghost children had to do with Lauren's plight.  I'm sure this script made perfect sense in the writer's mind, but something got lost on the page.

Wow I am really confused. I started drifting then found myself skimming and I'm sorry I could not get into this one. I didn't care for any of the characters in this sorry to say. I think there is a good story in there somewhere though and it's worth a rewrite or more work. Good for completing the owc.

Would somebody make that surreal baby shut up? God almighty.

I tried, but I couldn't get into this one. Seems like Keystone Cops in Dark Fantasyland. I couldn't keep up.

Defined noun overload. Too many can cause a reader to abandon a sentence, loses clarity with the subject. Don't even get me started on that baby.  ;D

This was a twisted tale, one that was surreal without actually telling it is. Seemed to be part of Lauren's plan? Or maybe not, can't wait to hear the writer's views on this. Marcus is fine where he is, by the dialogue, seems he has some acceptance issues or something. I liked the image of Reynard, the fox-man.

This felt rushed. Trim it down, give the reader a path of least resistance to the visual.

Couldn't really get into this one. For me it didn't flow well. It felt rushed and choppy and Marcus got on my nerves really quick.

I know a lot of people like this style of writing but for us A.D.D. people. it's a rough ride. I just had a tough time visualizing it and ended up confused in parts.

An effectively disorienting atmosphere makes for a creepy story of revenge.

Strong emotional opening page. An urgent scenario unfolds – juxtaposed with the innocence of Trick-or-Treaters. Will Marcus get his just dessert? The dialogue on page 2 felt a bit much. Maybe consider limiting the dialogue. I like that he calls her selfish though. Brutal irony. The “fox man” appears out of nowhere. Interesting. Did her suicide(?) open a portal for him to enter our world? Marcus’ questions upon seeing Foxy could be just 1 – like “what?” or “And who the fuck are you?” That said, the fox-man visual concept is unique, compelling, strange, and unsettling. The most disturbing moment was Marcus watching his wife in the bath – letting her die (if I interpreted that correctly).

You created a mysterious otherworld. The ashen boy was creepy. As was his message. Again, I’d prefer no dialogue here. Maybe just a confused expression? Marcus talking of a little brat writing on the walls just didn’t work for me. Does he forget Lauren is dead? Or, maybe the dialogue is too obvious. Obvious works sometimes, maybe the obvious here should be “who was that kid?” I assumed it was Marcus as a child. But maybe it’s the mysterious Reynard? And when he sees Lauren, maybe he should wonder how this is possible. Or realize he is in limbo or some other nether realm.

I’m not sure I like the evil doppelganger stuff in the mirror. Maybe it’d be more interesting if the masked Reynard was really Marcus’ evil double? It would be creepy to see him remove the mask, revealing Marcus’.  The mysterious disorienting surreal qualities are effective (like the strange dimensions of the house). However, I would rather a more compelling motive or mission to the underworld. It seems like he let his wife die in the bath, he could have reached in and saved her. So why does he search limbo for her? Why does he want Lauren back?

For me, it would be more interesting if Marcus feels he made a mistake hitting his wife. He’s ashamed and furious at himself. When he finds her body in the bath, he crumbles. Maybe he kills himself to search the afterlife for his wife and bargain with the devil to spare Lauren. I think a battle in Limbo to repent and correct mistakes is a more emotional driving force. And it makes more sense to excuse his entrance into the otherworld.

As is, I am confused on what actually happened by the end. I assume Reynard tricked Marcus into a swap.  I guess Lauren had this twisted revenge planned out before. Her death opened a portal that swallows her abusive husband. I was also expecting something disturbing in the baby reveal – since it cried surreal throughout. The rings also confused me. I suppose a vow is made, and when it is broken there are drastic consequences. Maybe Lauren made a secret vow herself - to Reynard or the devil?

A more internal approach. The scariest idea here is the horror a man is capable of against a loved one.  ** (out of 5)

Hi Writer,

I'll be honest, I was as lost in this as Marcus was in the house, forever chasing beings that never materialized into anything tangible, at least, not tangible enough to grasp onto, or the ability to properly analyze what was happening. The constant repetition of said crying baby didn't help either, except to maybe move the story along as something sinister that is yet to be told to the reader.

That being said, it did have a nice surreal quality to it that made me want more in a sense to find out what actually transpired. The elaborate use of smoke and mirrors, endless hallways, and ethereal beings draws up (in my mind) movies such as; The Others, The Woman in Black, etc.

I view the rings as painting an eerie picture of love disenchanted;  an infinite looping of emotions and life that move in their own direction out of synchronization, while the mirrors add to the realm, both the physical and through the portal, a sense of eternal space and a virtual dimension.

Somehow locked within the concept of this story is Marcus moving within eternal circles, grasping at things that may or may not truly exist within the walls of the home. There was no definitive description of the house either. I get a sense it might be gothic and eclectic, but not grand...  perhaps late 19th century inner city... smaller, yet full of unnecessary twists and turns.

I really liked the portal concierge, Reynard.  I think the way he looks or would appear moving within the shadows... would translate well on screen.  Decent effort...

I liked the beginning here and the ending. I got this - they switched the places with Marcus, Marcus got lost in the otherworld.

It's a bit confusing in the middle and I couldn't understand the rings story. I don't know how they helped Reynard and Renard to switch places with Marcus. I don't even know what Reynard, Renard, Dark Lauren mean - is there four of them or only two? I think there's a mess needed to be cleaned. Otherwise it's a good cohesive story with a fullfiling ending.

I also wish you got rid of exclamation points. And maybe you will when you clean the dialog in the rewrite.

Feels like the writer started with a decent (and suitably surreal) concept but couldn’t quite convey that idea onto the page to a satisfactory conclusion.  I couldn’t understand how Marcus would go from the apparent reality of finding his (abused) wife dead in a bathtub to chasing ghost children and a fox man around the house while some alternate reality plays out around him -- with no real moment of ‘woah, WTF?’

Plenty of imagination on display -- maybe one to come back to with a thorough reworking.  An idea like this needs a lot of clarity to pull off -- it just seems too rushed as presented.

Steve

I think this one's got alot of potential - although it's not quite there yet.

As with almost everything I've read thus far, I get the sense that a solid, competant writer wrote this one.  I love some of the lines, such as: Marcus stands there under the
weight of pros and cons.  Masterful phrasing, there.

I think this one's longer than it needs to be.  It really gets confusing and bogged down with the twists and turns, when it's really a very simple (and potentially very effective) story: ie: an abusive husband is forced to change places with the wife that he's just driven to suicide.  If/when you rewrite this one, I'd personally take out alot of the window dressing.  (Maybe keep Reynard.)  But get rid of most of the ghosties...

Keep it simple. One potential idea: Since Marcus is now in limbo, perhaps he'll hear the giggles from children in the family that moved in after he died (usually time is pretty warpable for ghosts.)  Something like that, anyway.  My thought.  There's alot that you can do with this one... you just need to make it more straightforward and gothic!  

Cheers,

--J (W)

Couldn't really follow this one.

I liked the dark, creepy feeling when the house changed but somewhere around page 6 I became lost and didn't care too much for the story.

I only skimmed through the rest as my head began to hurt.

REYNARD: DOORS & RINGS

Hello,

what to say.

It's my favorite so far.

A great performance and a deep psychological Horror adventure experience, for me.

When places reflect the characters' inside, fears, cause chaos,
when places change, places become alive anyhow, characters change, disappear, visual distraction- that always has a powerful impact to me. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the possibility that everything can happen next, really everything.

It's all about trust. I thank you for serving from another perspective. You went a high risk.

By the way, I think, the dark Marcus needs dialogue too. It would be heavy if they would scream toward each other while all the other stuff is already going insane. Sure, wasn't possible because of the challenge's rules.

Running around corners without really moving forward, the fox-man, definitely David Lynch would applause and get some fun here.

Well that was the black hut or the White one- don't know -- Horror in da house.

High risk, well done. Great.

I don’t like the way Marcus keeps repeating her name – it feels unnatural but maybe that’s just me.

“bruised black eyes cloaked in indifference” I’m not quite sure what this means? I get that she has a couple of black eyes – what’s the “indifference” part mean?

“Marcus stands there under the weight of pros and cons.” We understand this, but the way it’s written is poor IMO. We don’t really understand their situation yet, so this is meaningless to us. I don’t understand what the pro and con’s are yet? What does Marcus gain in her death?

“Marcus heaves Lauren’s drenched lifeless body” That was quick! Looks like he made his decision – is all this happening too fast? I don’t understand why he moves the body into the bedroom? Could look suspicious.

Dialogue isn’t the best at the moment – Marcus talks too much at the moment. Wouldn’t mind seeing how he reacts rather than rambling on.

“His confusion smolders into aggression.” You keep telling us how Marcus is feeling – it kinda feels like a Yoda speech – despair leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads you to the dark side. I just wish you would be visual rather than telling us everything.

“closet shadows.” Shadows? Isn’t the room dark?

“the bedroom.” The writing is pretty tight, but there are some small things like this that could be cut out. We already know we’re in the bedroom – watch out for repeating slugs that are unnecessary.

“an empty hallway.” Same thing here – this one actually made the sentence have a pesky orphan – Oh my God – I’m turning into Jeff! ;D

“the ghost” What ghost? Have I missed something?

“Lauren... ?! Lauren... !” He won’t even leave the poor girl alone in death! And how many times has he said her name – this is going for a record.

“Elsewhere in the house the surreal baby WAILS.” Seems like there is some copy and paste writing going on at the moment – I almost feel like bailing because it’s lazy writing IMO. Maybe you didn’t realize but it looks repetitive and just isn’t good for the reader to see the same line over and over again.

“A corrupted Dark Marcus.” Told you about the dark side. Original Marcus is hardly a saint. Aren’t they both dark?

“Renard.” Who? This has got so confusing with dark woman, Reynard and children – it’s very hard to follow who is doing what, and to whom at the moment.

This story fell apart very quickly and it’s mostly to do with the writing – it became so confusing what was happening and what the actual plot was? It seems like Marcus got trapped in the otherworld in the end, destined to chase ghost children around for eternity.

I’m not going to go too much into this one because I didn’t understand it to be fair. I think this one needs to be set-up more clearly so we understand the dynamics of the Marcus/ Lauren relationship. I couldn’t root for either,

Lauren takes her own life and in turn, leaves a baby with his (abusive?) father. If Marcus had killed Lauren, then we would be more on her side. I would also change the ending and have Lauren calm the baby, showing us that she’s overcome Marcus and now she and the baby can be happy without him.

The dark Marcus, Reynard and the chasing of ghost children around the hallway needs a rewrite because it’s so unclear at the moment. I think I got the gist of this story but how it came about was unclear to me. Needs work.

Writer,

So, I'm assuming that, in the end, Marcus gets sent to this other world in exchange for Lauren?

The biggest issue I had here was that it wasnt as clear as it could have been. Also, there were alot of characters running around. Marcus, Dark Marcus, Lauren, Dark Lauren, Reynard, ghost children... It kinda got muddled for me after awhile, and I think needlessly so.

Of what significance were the rings? I know they had some exchange value, but why? Why did Reynard have to be a fox-like creature? It felt like you got unnecessarily cute with your characters when, had you played it more straight up, could've been used to greater effect. Ok, I see now... The fox was the fantasy part. But still... I don't know. And biggest question -- you mentioned that baby wailing several times throughout. Did you ever explain why or did I just miss that?

Anyway, a good try here but misses the mark for me. Your tension was supplanted by more of a "what the heck is going on here?" type thing. I always feel a writer can chop off action blocks and dialogue to make their stories clearer. This is no exception.

Steve

SPOILERS

This could be an entertaining film, lots of surprises.

This has a pleasing complexity to it -- there's a feeling of urgency (sounds of baby crying), horrific despair (Lauren), scary anger (Marcus) and fantasy (Reynard, a welcome sight).

I like the ending very much; Lauren, accidentally rescued, spits out her troubles and Marcus stays in a nice, never ending chase (his own tail? why not.)

EDIT
Also, there's real drama in the balance between the Dark Characters' trickery vs. Marcus's righteous indignation.  We get caught up in it.  It makes Lauren's return to life especially stunning and wonderful.  I think this is a terrific script.

29.  Reynard: Doors & Rings by Dark Stanley - An abusive husband pushes his wife to extreme action only to have him pursue her return from a world he belongs in.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Reynard: Doors and Rings’ I’m expecting some cryptic twisty-turny shenanigans to go on in who-knows-what kind of environment.
Tense opening sequence.
Bastard. Pick up the rings first?!
Curious fox-man image.
Creepy ghost laughter and boy. Nice environment.
Crazy hallways in this dark house, eh?
This is effing crazy world. Surreal.
Haunting images in the mirror.
This place is weird.
Marcus is betrayed. Nice.
Did Lauren lure Marcus to the dark world on purpose? Looks like it. Cool.

Meh… eh… Not really HORROR horror, just pretty creepy and weird

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Make it more horror less creepy weird dependent.

If Marcus is in another realm already, why is there a dark version of him in a mirror in said realm? At least I think he's in another realm. There don't have to be rules to these sorts of things but it seemed odd. It all worked out though. Pretty good stuff but not an easy breezy read.  I'm with some of the other folks here, the surreal baby needed a proton pack pacifier or something.