Conversion by Henry Christner (Stumpzian) - Short, Horror - A woman faces a point of no return while seeking treatment for a forgotten early trauma. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Overall, this was an interesting read, very clever using the tharapist, a Sci-Fi/cyberpunk angle and...time travel...? One of the better entries thus far. Always wondered where you were going with this. Nice work.


Minor quibbles

Quoted Text Book titles: Structure and Dynamics of the Psyche, Interpretation of Fairy Tales, Power of Myth, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

I'm assuming the converted walk in closet is open. But even so, who cares?

Quoted Text 52 mg

Spell out the word in dialog.

"Moment later", "Suddenly" uneeded words.

No fade in – That’s it, I’m out! Of course I’m joking, and yes, I do use this same line every OWC.

Must be one big walk in closet?

Love the book titles… nothing from Stephen King?

Mutism – clever – but I must admit that I’m not enjoying all the Doctor talk.

You really don’t like the word “and” do you… it can sometimes make for awkward passages.

Is the window in the walk-in closet/makeshift office? If so, how many walk-in closets have you been in that had a window? People normally get changed in such an area – maybe she had one built in after it was turned into an office. Doesn’t really matter I guess. Actually, now I realize its two different rooms – my apologies.

The dialogue’s struggling – pure exposition but I put that more down to the criteria of the challenge. It was certainly tough.

Over halfway through and not lot has happened other than lots of exposition fed to me – good news is that it looks like things are about to turn ugly… I hope.

You don’t need the full slug “INT. THERAPY ROOM – LATER” Just LATER would have sufficed but it doesn’t matter in the scheme of things.

Linda has a great memory – I can’t even remember what happened yesterday, let alone when I was 5. I guess a traumatic event would help in this instance.

Are we in a flashback now? It’s not labelled, or is this on the monitor?

Okay, I really hope the Raggedy Ann doll becomes like Chucky and kills Linda’s parents – it may just save this one for me.

Slugs become a little inconsistent – no big deal.

What happened at the end?

Some peeps are going to like this but unfortunately it wasn’t for me. I just found it all rather dull without any conflict until the final few pages which obviously didn’t help.

These slow pace stories are fine if there’s something cling on to which I guess you could argue is the mystery behind Linda’s past, but that wasn’t enough for me here. I didn’t feel any tension in the scenes, nor did I really like either character.

That’s a shame really… Dr. Tinsley seems like a nice-rounded character at first as you set her up but at the end of it all, none of that actually mattered. Her family, why she’s working in a walk-in closet etc didn’t mean anything. It actually becomes Linda’s story from the halfway point and the good Doctor is purely there for exposition or so it seemed to me anyway.

I would try to move the story along quicker, and utilize Dr. Tinsley more or least cut back on the character. At this moment, it doesn’t matter what building she works in, or if she has a family. It would matter if there was stakes but there isn’t any here at all.

I take it she died at the end, and that result would have been the same if she didn’t have a family and worked for a big corporation in downtown. I’m just rambling now so my apologies.

Either way, this story just takes too long to get going and when the good stuff does come, it’s rather a letdown IMO. Like I say though, I do expect some to really like this but it’s just not my thing.

Nothing wrong with the writing, obviously from someone who’s been around the block a few times – I would even have a guess of the author as well. Actually, I’m pretty confident I know but that probably means I’m well off the mark.

Starts strong, but as it goes on the exposition is getting a bit much. Part of that’s due to your high concept, which in-and-of itself sounds pretty neat, but it’d be a lot to set up even if both characters were talking. Maybe if there was a way to see it in action rather than hear it explained, like a previous patient or even an instructional video.

I was definitely engaged the whole way through, but wasn’t sure what to make of the ending. Presumably Linda has been possessed by her mother, but is this literally or has she just had a psychotic break. It could go either way I suppose and isn’t really important except that I didn’t feel either angle had really been set up. It kind of came out of nowhere for me.

So I dig the device and enjoyed the idea of unraveling a mystery by viewing memories, but I think the payoff needs to be rethought or tied more strongly to Linda’s state of mind (which I never had a good bead on in the first place).

Myth therapy.

Lovely, creepy idea pregnant with potential.


From the outset, the lack of dialogue feels unnatural. Feels like we really should be able to get in the head of the patient more. It ends up being an exposition fest.

I greatly fear you've picked the wrong story to tell in this medium.

However..my fears were largely unfounded. You managed to create something here. There's clunkiness in the story, but all of that is caused by the limitations of the challenge, not by the standard of your writing.

Despite a slow, exposition heavy opening, this works well.

One of the few that really fits the Horror Fantasy genre. Like the way you've managed to keep the fairy tale tone whilst introducing the horror and rational/sci fi elements.

Bump up either the idea that it's her inner, "True" self that's being revealed or that the Mother is coming through somehow. The latter seems to be what it's about, but the mechanics of how it's happening aren't overly strong at the mo. I don't mean you have to explain it scientifically, but build up the idea that the Mother's presence is growing stronger...in the body language of the patient, in the imagery on the screen, some readings on equipment etc.

Good job.

The Title is maybe too obvious, maybe there's something better that somehow suggests  finding your inner self. What that is, I don't know.

Good job.

There's a real flair in the writing of this one - most noticeable in the finer details of description and style. I reckon I might know the author  ;) then again I could be wrong.

I enjoyed this story a lot.

The denouement was a little anticlimactic and a bit predictable but I thoroughly enjoyed it nevertheless.

Like another I just read though I think it's missing a bit of the fantasy element. Aside from that, great job.

Stumping farmer ....amazing what the spell check throws up when you try and type the name.

Is 62 required in the LOGLINE. Let's see...

Therapist memo - good idea for revealing details
Therapy with a mute...challenging
Oh, you found the underlying function :-)

A computer transferring thoughts to images - excellent idea. Love it. Show not tell. Spot on.

Slugs on p8 started losing me. Am I seeing this on screen or have we shifts locations.

Good story - just we need 100% clarity where this is taking place. I assumed we saw the original story, not on the screen. A blend may be more effective.

Turning into Her mother...well it could work, but to be in jarred. So far I saw no fantasy, just a gritty thriller/drama unfolding due to new technology

I suppose you had to do the swap to fit the criteria, but after I would change that.

Could she talk afterwards...

Good concept. Liked it.

It was an easy read, easy to follow little tale.
It fits the criteria well, minus the date - it's supposed to happen on Oct 31 and the date is kind of superflous to the story in my opinion.
Not like mine fit the criteria and I found many that weren't strictly about the date. So, no biggie.

The premise is good. And like I said it was an easy read.
I guess Linda was unable to talk because of the horrific past. And that's why she visits the therapist.

It lost direction for me a bit. I kind of wish to see the doctor pry or show some attitude toward Linda's past. Otherwise Linda's mother doesn't have a reason to turn against the doctor.
I just wish there was more drama, more of a conflict. Otherwise neat little story.

"32 inch monitor" - and details like that... are they important? I dont' know, I wouldn't include them if they don't matter. But your call.

Not entirely sure about the logline. I find it strange how you decide to mention explicitly how old she is, probably a better verb out there.

The first page feels like a contrived way to force in exposition, I know why you did it but it just reads badly. Let the audience come to the conclusion of a character, if you're any decent of a writer, it should be there naturally.

"twenties-era houses, offices" houses, offices? Might be my English...

"So, did you get that costume you
wanted...the one on e-Bay?" Stuff like this, although not explicitly bad, is lacking any flair or energy to it. She just kind of... Says it, which really isn't how you want a character talking, she doesn't feel real is what I'm saying. "So, how's Raggedy Ann going? Costume with the polka dots? Ever got the sale?" Now, I know how that sounds like some French hitman dialogue out of that pisser floating about, but I hope you see what I mean.

"Suddenly, EYES fill the entire screen. They look angry,
yellowish." Genuinely creepy, I love it. Been a while since a script got that reaction out of me.

Like the ending but...

Not sure if the whole script works. I sure didn't see anything coming, that's for sure. But just the whole fact that the first five pages are exposition, mindless exposition mind you, really slow down the read. I know, I know -- one character and all, but I'd highly suggest trying to get a lot of this through visuals instead of "I have a magic sci-fi machine that doesn't need to be there". Flashbacks could work, but then again, she can't talk so...

The second problem is the lack of originality or motives. The climax doesn't directly concern the  story as a whole, it's a back story that never needed to be resolved (for the plot). As in, your story isn't about the murder, your story is about the woman's lack of resolve, so adding something like a slasher plot that's frankly, very weak and done-that, lacks a connection with the reader since it ends up no where in particular. I feel as if you're coming at this the wrong way, or at least the lack of a real resolution is. Hard to articulate my thoughts on this one, might come back to it.

Edit: Seems like Coops has a lot of stuff dead-on.

This was written with skill by a vet.  The setup is intriguing, although not that original.  Technology that converts thought patterns into visual images is a sci-fi staple.  I bought into the premise up until the point where the full clear images of her childhood memories play on the monitor.  Since this seems to be set in present day, I just couldn't buy into that Star Trek level of tech.  IMO, the images on the monitor should have been kept to primitive shapes, etc. to reflect the chaotic world inside Linda's mind.  Also would have liked to have seen a buildup of tension and dread, where the doctor slowly realizes that her patient has tapped into something terrifying deep in her psyche.  The slasher ending was a letdown.

I was enjoying this. I don't like punched dialogue. And some of the dialogue could do with a trim.

It does seem a bit low on horror. Apart from one bit. However, there's a lot of good ideas and it fits the rest of the challenge well.

It does need some work. But that said, nearly every script does. A rewrite would be worth the read.

R

Too much dialogue not enough action. My mind is starting to wander around page 5. Hopefully something happens soon.

Too drawn out for very little pay off. To be honest I skip-read the last few pages.

SPOILERS

This story is cleverly written and the characters, although briefly seen, are vivid and interesting.

Some confusion for me about what appears on the monitor, are all of the scenes from the past visible to Dr. Rita in the same detail that we read about them?

That's some powerful software that can put weight on a skinny woman and turn her into her own dead mother.  

The first scary moment, for me, was realizing that a walk-in closet was converted to an office.
This conversion business is brutal.

Linda's retrieved memories are truly horrors.  Linda's conversion to her mother is another  horror, and although it seems weird and unfair it's no worse than what the mother did to Linda's father.  

IMO this is a successful script.

Good visuals. Strong writing. Good theoretical science & gadgets. Psychological and gory.

I love the supernatural mixed with science. Or should I say theoretical science. Nice hint to Ray Kurzweil if I caught that correctly. I get inspired by his ideas as well. For me, it adds some nerd credibility. I mean nerd as a compliment there. The doctor occupation better excuses a case of mutism in the story. So good natural weaving of the challenge parameters.

That Raggedy Ann mask could be pretty creepy with right atmosphere on film. I like how you work in the portal stuff. And love how you clearly draw the comparison to Linda and her troubled past. The suggested twist for me is that something from her memory will cross over into our world. That would be really interesting.

That wired cap device would be cool to see. And more radical gadget porn with that memory projector. I get a Cronenberg vibe here. Go Canada. For me, this edge of possibility scifi stuff is great. It freaks me out. Good scifi draws caution to new technology. I love the thought out details behind the tech. I enjoy good exposition. Nice work with that too. Let's see what you do with this very compelling concept and unique approach to the portal (within). The "envision your mother" result was great. Good chance to make the audience jump in their seats.

I also must commend you on your delicately balanced descriptions. So vivid and accurate. A standout example is after Doc says "try your father" on page 6. Loved it. I would think it's hard to describe illustory or fragmented memory images, but it came across perfectly. Nice work. This concept begs the question: when we remember are we (metaphorically) entering another world through a portal.

I'm liking that mask more and more. Creepy. It keeps her expression hidden. Good parallel to what hides behind her everyday mask of voluntary(?) mutism. Also parallels life, like serial killers that hide behind a smile, right. Spooky. Subtle decision to freak us out. I imagine it would be even more effective on screen, combined with sound design and editing and flashing back.

Some horror and gore soon follows with bodily dismemberment. And what's Halloween without that. Holy shit in the outhouse. Take that as you will. Real freaky shit. Dur. I did it again. Seriously though. That's scary and disgusting. And what's Halloween without -that-.

Then wham back to reality,  with a passenger on board. She brought that memory to life. Possessed by a nightmare of the past. Her mom is back. Good twist. And open to interpretation. I think you diverted my earlier expectation for the twist. But as i read that scene something interesting happened. I realized you might be fucking with me and my assumptions.

It was really exciting to have this twist unfold.Suddenly, it all made sense. The flashback led me to this conclusion on the end. And I'm well aware I could be way off. if I am wrong,  writer, you should still be happy you got me so wrapped up and involved to this degree of active participation during my reading.Enough of a preface...

 For me, that dark shadow(that lurks behind Linda during flashback) is metaphorical. Really, young Linda snapped, like her mom did (predisposed to mental illness), and she kills her mom that night. That's why she needs help in the present day. Maybe she's been released from years of institutionalization and under mandatory supervision. She locks up her memory of that night, effectively shackling that shadowy beast within. This tech unlocked the memory and the monster. She snaps again, like that night her worldcended.

A strong cautionary tale. I'm looking forward to other interpretations after I've posted this.  I love when you can discuss an ending, or when it's unique to the individual. Good stuff.

Inventive. Scary. Nice blend of science. Strong ending open for discussion.   *  *  *  *   (out of 5)

I very much enjoyed this one. There's probably room for discussion on if the fantasy angle exists here, I imagine it could depending on how to interpret the ending. It was ambiguous to me and I see from the other comments that I'm not alone.

The use of the mind like that, especially in horror, is in my opinion a brilliant concept. This script gets a lot of points from me for that alone.

The portrayal of Dr. Tinsley was well done in my opinion. She came off as a regular person, a bit patronising, throwing in some bad jokes. I also enjoyed the choice of a 62 year old, picking a person that's suffered their entire life. It adds a certain amount of gravitas to the script.

I thought the story beats were well done too. Give us a glimpse of Dr. Tinsley's private life at the start but without it overstaying its welcome, just a glimpse. All we need to know without turning the story to it. Gives her demise in the end a bigger effect. The rest we find out about her when watching her work. No time wasted to get to Linda's story. A slow-burn to the horror, but I don't mind that as we gain a lot of knowledge about her and it keeps the reader guessing. If I had to say something negative, perhaps her backstory was a little too obvious. Good work.

*spoilers*

Far out story! The way Linda communicates with imagery is a great idea, and just goes to show that limitations can bring forth amazing premises.

Issues I have are Tinsley's dialogue, it took me out of the creative tech a bit. It's not bad, it's just explaining it this way to Linda's character didn't fit. I'm sure if it was another type, it would've worked. That, and the ending was confusing. It might work better if you fade out on a visual from the screen - something that spooks the shit out of us.

Good job! Another fav.  :)

*Also, even though the rain might set the tone, I think it's at odds with the cabin scenes. Consider making it sunny, so it juxtaposes the memories.*

Really liked this one. A breeze to read. I like your scene structure also. Like when Linda gets dropped off by the taxi and we see the building from the outside.

The story has lots of potential but I think it needs a bit more room. I dug the concept though. Really nice job here.  :)

Well, that was extremely gory at the end!!  Not bad writing, and a very interesting concept.  

There are issues I see with this one.  It doesn't really fit the OWC criteria; although one COULD interpret the regression therapy as a portal through which Linda could go back - and her mother could enter.  So scratch that, it's within the parameters.

I find it hard to understand how that technology could result in such a portal, though.  And I would have personally liked to understand a bit more about the parent's dynamics to justify that kind of homicide. As such, it felt like it came out of left field.

Still, a creative interpretation of the challenge.  So kudos to the writer.

Cheers,

--J (W)

I liked this one. Easy to read and kept my interest throughout.

I kept thinking while reading that this would be an easy script to film. Then things got a bit trickier as we started to see Linda's childhood. But, if done with quick flashes instead, this could be a creepy short.

Nice touch with the dad's head in the outhouse....  

I thought this fit the challenge well. Someone said there was no portal, but IMO, a portal could be anything that connects two worlds or two places in time. It doesn't have to be an actual portal as in a door, gate or hole.

I had no problem with the expositional dialogue. It felt like a real psych session to me.

A nice creepy entry to the OWC! Congratulations.  :)

Writing’s assured and I liked the visual clues at the outset -- given the constraints it’s a useful shorthand to quickly connect us to the character.  The issue for me is that beyond this the focus fell on Linda and unearthing her past with Dr. Tinsley relegated to doctor mode and explaining the therapy process.

For me there was something about a 62 year old Linda dressed as Raggedy Anne that lent this a slightly comic visual -- might have been better if she still carried the doll around to give you that detail to work with.

Liked the use of the computer screen to build tension up to that final moment.  Though it felt odd to then cut to straight out flashbacks -- unless that’s what we were supposed to be seeing on the computer screen -- wasn’t sure.

A couple of decent scares (dad’s head in the out-house was a grim touch).  Could have done with more of a hint as to the mother’s motivation or at least how it all tied back into the opening of the ‘portal’ and Linda’s conversion -- the pay-off felt a bit flat as a result.  Enjoyable read nonetheless.

Writer,

Good job on this. Definitely near the top in my book. I liked everything about this one. It was clear, you ratcheted the tension at the turn of every page. And your ending kicked ass. So much for modern technology. The Raggedy Ann dress carried with it a nice creep factor, as did little
Linda in the outhouse.

This seemed well thought out, and feels like it might've come to you all at once. I'm sorry. Perhaps too much gushing. The only thing I didn't like were the underlining of words. I know what it's for, but it just seemed a bit too much. However, it's only a nitpick really. Job well done.

Steve

Only 2 more scripts to read, so i'll really try and stick around for this one.

Notes, as I go...

Opening passage is not the way to jump out of the gate - by skiping simple opening words like "A", or whateve, the writing comes off as stilted.  "coverted walk-in closet" - WTF?

2nd passage is also poorly realized - again, comes off as stilted by simply naming a bunch of books in a brand new passage, while the last passage didn't even mention any books - odd, to say the least.

Is 5:15 really evening?  Not on my clock it's not.

Exposition overload!!!!  Well, at least we know a little about this 62 year old Linda Stover now.

EXT. TAXI is not the proper Slug here.  Actualy, it should be something like NEIGHBORHOOD or the like.

Lots of overdescribing going on.  2 pages in and very little has happened.

Page 3 - you repeated the Slug we were already in - maybe just a Mini of LATER.

Well, there's the exact challenge paramters spoken aloud by Dr. Tinsley - not good, IMO.

4 pages in and so much exposition going on, being spoon fed to us through Tinsley.  Not my cup of tea, but I'll stick around.

Page 5 - the same damn Slug again?  That makes 3 times in a row, I think.  WTF?

Page 6 - Slug work is very poor.  It's touugh when you basically only have 1 setting, but there are numerous ways to psice things up and you sure haven't even attempted that here, which is giving this such a slow, dull pace.

You also should be using an insert when you show just the screen - this is actually the way to make this read better and read clearer.

Page 7 - Same Slug again?  Damn, bro...

Next Slug is just incorrect.  Is it the screen we're seeing?  A Flashback?  This needs lots of attention and cleanup.

I could continually comment on tyhe extremely poor Slug use, but at this point, I don't think it matters anymore.

Is the parent's bed in the same bedroom?  You haven't set this scene very well and it's impossible to "see" this.

Page 8 - "CABIN ROOMS" - WTF?  I said I woldn't address the Slugs again, but with this one, I have to.  If you can't write remotely clear Slugs, you can't expect your readers to be able to follow along.  Sorry to say, but your Slug writing is some of the poorest I've ever seen.

And a total WTF ending.  No, doesn't work for me at all.  Doesn't make any sense, and really, this whole exercise comes off as completely meaningless and a waste of a potential good idea.

4.  Conversion by Stumpzian Farber - A 62-year-old woman faces a point of no return while seeking treatment for a forgotten early trauma.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Conversion’ I’m expecting something to convert from one state to another and that’s about it. Hope it’s cool.
I see that you know your way around the DSM, nice.
Good establishing set up and opening.
Wow. This is some kind of intense therapy asking a 62yo woman to arrive at a late night therapy session on Halloween night and dress up in costume while the doctor herself lounges in sweats. Very unconventional.
“We were so lucky to win the grant for this software” is a bit tacky for dialog.
Coal miner’s cabin scenario is good.
Arguing parents, frightened child Linda, and Raggedy Ann doll are all good.
Mom butchers Dad, disposes of him into the outhouse. Crazy.
Adult Linda has become Mom IRL!

Uh… Okay.
The outhouse door is the portal doorway? IDK.
Story’s got a few kinks to work out with a solid scenario build.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Needs a different title as the “conversion” aspect really isn’t addressed or even suggested really.
- Have “Linda shifts her weight, crosses her legs” after Dr. T states “... things you can’t remember that still cause you problems” referring to Linda’s bed wetting that continues to this day.
- Delete the clunky “We were so lucky to win the grant for this software” line. No need.
- The “child Linda has a Raggedy Ann doll becomes adult Linda dressed in a Raggedy Ann costume” leap needs more smoothing out for a justifiable reason. I’ll agree the older adult in costume looks creepy-great on screen, but it makes little sense as provided: I had this doll as a child - now I must dress up as it. WTF?
- The reason Mom butchered Dad needs more clarity.
- Linda smashing the monitor seems a wee over the top, but then… she has become her mother in some sort of “conversion.” Make that whole process of conversion more clear. Subtle events require only subtle explanations, but more violent and dramatic events benefit from more defined and concrete explanations. The trick is to craft something that isn’t quite on the nose!

Quoted from RayW ... Make that whole process of conversion more clear. Subtle events require only subtle explanations, but more violent and dramatic events benefit from more defined and concrete explanations. The trick is to craft something that isn’t quite on the nose!

We're reading scripts as blueprints for films. And, this is the author's vision. You really need an 'imo' after that last statement... imo.

Personally I find it really annoying to read a reviewer's vision/assessment of something as though it is fact. Give your opinion as just that, not a statement of fact.

Okay.


It's under the heading "Suggestions."
It's not a command.

CONVERSION

Hello,

"Linda returns in the Raggedy-Ann dress."

Haha, that's all absurd with regards to what we got to know about her before - I like it.

"I'm gonna start calling you Raggedy Linda!"

You established the above without using it any further.

Till p7 it's all good, very interesting how those images transfer to the computer screen. It's overwritten, not with words - the pictures are a bit too repetitive, as well as the dialogue. You can easily bundle it to give an optimal presentation imo.

It's all about the payoff now.

Okay you want it hardcore.

A few unbalanced points: The small Linda goes to sleep again while her mother's sawing something in the middle of the night. Okay, could be an animal her mother cuts up. Anyway, since we know her father is the stabile point in Linda's life, and he's not lying in bed – I don't understand her inner conflict if she can sleep while the unstable point, her mother, is alone at home, and the one who she needs not--and still she can sleep. It's fussy of me but you have the quality to do it better. At the moment I can see you needed the scenario for the story, to let her go outside alone later.

It was truly horrible. The fear for kids is very intense. The structure and plotting concerning that modern therapy was fresh.

The only point that I really disliked is that I don't understood the ending here. Maybe it's not good enough constructed.
I think it should explain what Linda finally brought back from the underworld is her mother -- those maniac features of her mother.

But that only came into my mind after a while, when I reminded the Doc said to Linda that she will be able to bring back some things into present. The dialogue when this has been explained is too far away from the ending, for me. So, it anyhow would need a last and final plot to focus our way back with her together.
It entertained me. It was hard to experience the Horror with a kid; usually not my thing, although you've done it very effective.

This is pretty good.

Good writing and a nice creepy story. A little drawn out but ends well.

Having said that, I don't think I'm too sure what happened at the end? She became her mother?

Overall though, good job.

I thoroughly enjoyed this from start to finish.

The use of the recorder was a clever way of getting over exposition without it feeling forced or unnatural.

I had to google Raggedy Ann as never heard of it/her. The thought of a damaged 62 year old women dressed like that was creepy enough, without the ending.

I think this could be even better with a re-write where Linda speaks a little as well. But overall, for me, this ticked all the right boxes and fitted the challenge perfectly.

I enjoyed the horror elements and while I agree that things get off to a sluggish start, you kept me hooked as I anticipated something murderous happening at the end--as it did.
Some of the flashbacks were too vivid. I wasn't a fan of the exposition explaining the otherworld and sundown/sunrise thing.

The whole Raggedy Ann costume thing is kooky in itself, but I liked it. Especially when Linda had to wear a mask.  That's flat-out creepy in my book.

It would have worked better for me if Dr. T explained that she was going to use a controversial technique to open up or expand Linda's mind. Something totally unorthodox, perhaps a newest techno version of shock therapy.

I wouldn't mind seeing Dr. T as being a maverick and portrayed as somebody who would work out of a converted closet, while conducting late night mind probes.

Something about the ending brought to mind Pia's "Heart of Coal." I got to thinking what if Dr. T and every other shrink is approaching this patient from the wrong angle. Instead of being the victim, what if she was the 'monster.' She might have buried all this in her mind, only to have Dr. T bring back the truth.

If you wanted to stay with your story, I'd say put emphasis on the monitor and what it reveals. But do it slowly. So that it's all fuzz and haze to begin with. As the minutes pass and the computer deciphers the image, it becomes more recognizable. This isn't new territory, but it does ramp up the tension as Tinsley and viewers play a waiting game to see what is revealed.
Think of the Costner film "No Way Out" and the old Night Gallery episode, "The Nature of the Enemy."

another thought, what if Tinsley could physically cross over into the otherworld. Which could mean entering the patient's mind or nightmare. She could be looking at a screen from the outside in, and then from realize too late that she is looking from the inside out. Dr. T could find herself trapped with Linda's crazy mother. Again, not a fresh idea, but it might be fun to follow the doc's reaction "really getting inside her patient's head."

All in all, I liked this story. Execution was not great, but there are building blocks here to construct something evil and fun once the OWC restraints are lifted. Nice job.

Henry

First off, form a technical standpoint the writing is very assured, clear and concise.

“She stops again, opens a manila folder, scans notes.”

- Ah, the good ole manila folder gets another name drop. If there is ever a folder (or envelope) on screen, particularly involved the passing of illicit payments, tis always of the manila persuasion ;)

“LINDA STOVER (62) steps to the sidewalk. She is thin, less
than five feet tall. She carries a purse, grocery bag, folded
umbrella.”

- Given her pre-intro; PTSD, lifelong bed wetting, mutism and so on, I thought we would get a more in depth description of what Linda  actually looks like outside of her diminutive stature. I’d imagine these sort of persistent ailments and psychological scarring would take their toll physically, show in her face, her expressions, etc.

DR. TINSLEY
Your other world is what happened
to you as a little girl...things
you can't remember that still cause
you the problems.
(beat)
Now, the costume will help block
out this world long enough for you
to find the door to your other
world...your past world.
(beat)
The Nitridium you took will help
you walk through that door.

- Whoa, a chunk of info is dropped on us here. I know you attempted to set it up with the opening scene in Dr. Tinsley’s office and her fields of research but it’s a lot to just tell the audience there and then and we are to accept it as being part of the script’s mythology i.e. the other world being the cause of Linda’s trauma, the costume’s role, the wonder drug to assist in matters. On the other hand, I understand you don’t have much space to build things so we just have to go with it.

Also, I’m curious as to what this “past world” (i.e Linda’s other world) is. Which is not this world or the “other world” and how/why is it easier to pass into it when the door to the other world is open on All Hallows Eve? I guess they are somehow linked, one opening the other but I’m thinking it would get congested ;), lotsa traffic! I mean, there are 3 worlds we are talking about here, right? Past, present and other.

DR. TINSLEY
We can't do a thing without a
little technology!

- I enjoyed that line. A possible joking reference to how in these scenarios (think Strange Days, Inception or Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless) the futuristic technology is often this wacky gadgetry with flashing lights and wires that we’re just expected to believe in. And that’s cool, I get that, just have to go with it for the sake of the story.

Pg. 5 & pg. 6 - “INT. THERAPY ROOM – NIGHT”

- This could easily be changed to a sub heading like “LATER” as we haven’t changed location since the previous scene. It’s only a time lapse.

DR. TINSLEY
We'll try that again, too.
(beat)
Try your mother.

- I’m always particularly sensitive to repeated words at close proximity in dialogue, it can sound awkward. You could perhaps change the second “try” to “How about...”

I like the repeated cutaways to a close up of the mask on page 7.

“Her mother is asleep in
the chair by the window.”

- Yikes, a true lunatic! Sleeping soundly like that after what’s she’s done.

“Her father's face stares upward, eyes wide, blood on his
cheek and mustache. His head is not attached to anything.”

- Cool visual, poor basta?d though. I can’t help wondering what was her mother planning to do with him though. Just leave him there, let him decompose? She was hardly keeping him there until she moved him to a more secluded location to rot?

Not so sure about the ending, it seemed rushed and tacked on just for a dramatic climax, to shock us. To your credit, I appreciate that you are bound by the constraints of the challenge and I didn’t really expect a satisfying conclusion going into the last page. However, I did like the build up and pseudoscience practiced by Dr. Tinsley, the device used and images showing up on the monitor. Lots of stuff there to play with in terms of tension and interesting, freaky visuals.

So I take it the mother did pass through from the other world given the night that was in it and manifested herself in her daughter? In that case, it appears that all the precautions and methodology Dr. Tinsley talked about and implemented in the beginning just didn’t work and the drug was essentially a placebo? On the contrary, it seems like the costume attracted the ghostly matriarch and allowed her to assume her daughter’s body.

It’s not elaborated on but I wondered how the mother died. Was it natural causes or (understandable) foul play on the part of Linda, to avenge her seemingly sweet father? I also thought about the nastiness of the mother and the motivation behind her action but I know you can’t go into much back-story here. Plus, presuming that the mother is the “black silhouette” which appears behind Linda in the outhouse, what were the repercussions there? Just systematic abuse until the day the mother passed on? Still many question here that I’m interested to know which you should take as a compliment, it means I was engaged in the story.

Anyway, not a bad job here although it feels truncated and cut short as it currently stands. As I said, the writing is very solid technically, an easy read. Do you plan to expand it?

Col.

Col, Thanks for your well-thought-out comments. You are one of those who read my script carefully, and it shows. Much appreciated. Several others also offered astute comments. I want to address a few points/questions in a day or two.
Henry

Riveting. Good color and heart-pounding.
No one's going to forget that creepy Raggedy-Ann mask.
Well done.

Just saw story/photo on Facebook about how the "Annabelle" horror movie is based on a true story involving a woman and her haunted Raggedy Ann doll.
The story apparently isn't anything like "Conversion," but the picture of the woman holding Raggedy Ann creeped me out.
A further word on my story.
I had the idea (Linda's repressed memories of the mother, father, outhouse) but decided not to enter because (1) I hadn't come up with a way to tell the story, and (2) the outhouse ending scared me.
The story framework came to me mid-week, though, so I wrote it.

P.S. I do plan to revise it some when I get a chance. Again, thanks to those made suggestions.

Jan. 10, 2015

I've streamlined it, clarified this and that, tried to improve slugs. Some of the changes are based on the comments I received. Thanks to all.

Naturally, reading through after posting, I spotted a dropped word and a typo or two.

Doesn't seem like you've changed much about the story or the dialogue. It appears to be relatively the same as when I read it during the OWC. I did notice the changes in the ending scene and thought they were a great addition.

I think the biggest focus of this draft were changes to the writing itself? Noticed some great descriptions I don't recall from earlier.

An image flickers like a candle flame, goes out, flickers
again. Slowly it resolves into...drooping jowls, flaked
lips, crowded bottom teeth. -- for example.

I like the new touches, but thought that the script didn't really need refinement writing-wise from what I read during the OWC.

This line stood out negatively:

Quoted Text LINDA STOVER (62) steps to the sidewalk. She appears ten years older, but her movements seem childlike.

I considered that older could be a typo of old, but even then it's a very confusing line. Appears 10-year-old and childlike? Appear how? How do they differ? Do they differ?

Very good work IMO.

Only thing that popped into my mind was perhaps it would be worth entertaining the opportunity of having Linda speak now that the OWC parameters aren't containing the script. Would be a fascinating character to explore through dialogue imo and could add a lot to the script in overall.

Thanks for the reread, DS.  Most changes involved trying to sharpen things up.

The line you cited as confusing was supposed to convey the idea that Linda looks ten years older than 62. I've already fixed it on my draft. Thanks.

Slugs are much, much better, Henry.

Instead of THERAPIST'S OFFICE, I'd use Dr. TINSLEY'S OFFICE, and I'd probably use something a little different than NEIGHBORHOOD, but no big deal at all.

Everything makes sense and is now very easy to follow.

Your rewrite is so much better than the original!  Nice work.

Jeff, Thanks for your help. Glad the slugs are better and that it all makes more sense. Henry