Peanut Butter Kisses by Darren J Seeley - Short, Horror - After a Halloween party, an axe-wielding sociopath in a goat mask stalks a young woman. When she fights back, she finds he's not exactly human. (R ) - pdf, format 8)

Goatman (was Peanut Butter Kisses) by Darren J Seeley - Short, Horror - After a Halloween party, an axe-wielding sociopath in a goat mask stalks a young woman. When she fights back, she finds he's not exactly human. (R) - pdf, format 8)

Not going to bother writing Spoilers in caps for a big ol' pisstake.


Sara and Marty thrust
between beats of music and hits of a shared cigarette. Oh, dear.

Some convolute action happening in that car 'convolute?! Couldn't they just be 'making out'

Sara belts out a scream. Pity she can't just 'scream'.

Marty bangs his brains again. Translation: Marty bangs his head.

An apple wine bottle  It couldn't just be an ordinary 'wine bottle'.

Runs as best she can  Like you do when a psycho goat is chasing you.

clickety click   uh-huh.

Tosses bloody ivory bat (Marty’s femur leg bone) in backseat of car. What?!

Next table over a 30 something CLOWN slumped over a table,
face down in his blood
Silly me for thinking his intro means he's going to speak?

The entire area, not counting the stainless steel tables, stoves and utensils is snow white.   So, not the entire area, then?

Ah, and a reference to 'egg salad' - Marnie will be proud.

Taps on the door with the axe. A cadence.  A cadence?!

Bastard’s going to go all Shining on that goddamned door you know he is

I have no idea why I'm quoting all this.

If it was a bowling ball it would be a strike.
Oh dear, again.

With a power yank, As opposed to your common garden variety 'yank'.

STAY WONT GET U N HERE.
What, no punctuation?



Enough said.

I liked the title. There was a bit of clunky writing in the beginning, but overall it was really good.

*spoilers*

Dialogue was handled well, especially in the ladies room - perfect. I thought the scene where they were throwing candy at each other was a bust. Egg salad. Ha! Some of the punctuation was overkill.

Goatman was awesome! Well done. And the tattoos! That was super creative, what a surprising visual to catch one off guard. I think you over did things at the ballroom massacre, probably could cut that into a passage or two.

Lots of action. It was a breeze to read. What's up with that ending? Let me down on the title. "Egg Salad" would've been better lol!

Good, fun read!

Quoted from LC Not going to bother writing Spoilers in caps for a big ol' pisstake.

I didn't get pisser vibes here. Hmm. I did scratch my head at the ivory-bone-leg stuff though haha!

Doesn't read like a pisser to me at all, but the asides, missing commas, awkward prose and very difficult to follow lack of story and character has me wanting out way too early.

Hard to say exactly what's so wrong here, but IMO, it's definitely not well written like many will probably think.  Is it trying too hard?  Yep.  Is it engaging?  Nope.  Is it cliche?  Yeah, I think so.

Whatever it is or isn't, I'm out way too early, and when I say "way too early", I mean that I shouldn't feel this way, as the writing isn't bad, the grammar isn't horrible, and nothing is pisser-bad in any way..but...it ain't working, sorry to say.

I'm not in the best frame of mind or mood, so feel free to sluff it off on that.  Will be interesting to see what others say, as more posts come in.

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo I didn't get pisser vibes here. Hmm. I did scratch my head at the ivory-bone-leg stuff though haha!

I started reviewing it 'straight' but as I went on I thought, surely this can't be meant to be taken seriously.

Apologies if I'm wrong.

IMO, this was not a pisstake at all. Far from it. What I saw here is a writer trying to form his own voice...and I like it. It's still on the rough side and needs perfecting, but it's definitely a VOICE!

I had no problem following the story. IMHO, the story is a bit thin. What is Goatman's objective/goal/reasoning? What drives this story? Right now it's jus a straight "horror scene or sequence", but it needs some more depth for us to care.

I breezed through this script and I enjoyed it for the most part. I've started several that I just couldn't get through them...

This script needs a deeper story with some better goals. The writing itself needs some perfecting, but it definitely is a voice and if the writer likes it, go with it. Just learn to perfect it some more. There was some clumsy shot by shot lines on page 4 for example.

Typos and grammar need cleaning up, but I'm sure the writer knows this.

All in all, a decent job for a OWC. Now onto the rewrite to perfect writing and story.

PS. What does the title have to do with the story?

Code Sara’s gaze falls to the man’s mid-section. It has to be a costume. That’s not really his -

Yes it is bitch! Oh yes it is my - You're gonna get it now!

Eyes as wide as saucers, she whimpers delicately, a hand to her mouth in mock horror.

Sara
I'm still a virgin. Keep that nasty thing away
from me.... oh... oh... oh... it's so, it's so...



Sorry... that's not in the script. I just got a little carried away. If there's a penis in the film, I really think it should be OK to say it. Delicately stepping around it is only going to make some find it funny.

This story is struggling for flow. It's a simple slasher and I'm not really a fan of things that are simple. I avoid them. That's probably the reason I haven't enjoyed this as much as others might.

What's with the hyphen after INT?

"A Halloween costume party in action." Really not the way you want to start a script, just reads so awkwardly.

Second page and I seriously have no clue what's going on, probably best to stop focusing on the writing.

"GOATMAN’s shadow hovers near the car." k.

Well, among everything else, it seems like you had your fun writing this. To be honest, I really did think it was a pisser for a few pages but the tone kind of clears up its seriousness later on. Not entirely sure what to say, really. I like that you embrace the horror, giving us some sex just for the sake of it, which is always good no matter what anybody says. I think the bones of the story are definitely special, but the biggest factoring hindering is...
Wait for it.
The writing! It doesn't work, the style you're trying to emulate feels fake. Almost like you tried to borrow from somebody else and it turned into a bit of a cluster. The thing is, it reads as if you're forcing the voice in rather than having it come out naturally. I mean, look at that Frenchman supposed "pisser" (which I'm still trying to understand), the writer, although probably high when they wrote that, had an intentionally funny tone going on with their writing, which felt natural, what with things like "Behemoth moth". Rendevous' previous shark OWC is a good example on how it can also work in your favour. Just don't force it.

But again, you had your fun writing it it seems, and that's what matters.

I do like the tattoo eyes that open.  Goatman himself has potential. I also like the opening scene in the restroom.

But I don't care for much else. Not the maggots, green goo, puss, ax in the back, legbone, etc etc. It doesn't add up to anything.

Sara sees the most horrible things, but all she can say is, "Did you do this?" as if talking to a dog that has ripped up a pillow. Or "This can't be real." Why bother giving her dialogue at all?

I had the feeling the writer started out wanting to play it straight but couldn't restrain himself or herself from making fun of what was showing up on the page.

Peanut butter kisses ... Not sure what that means, or conveys, so let's see...

Could have been good to turn off the cont'd ...bit irratating

Not for the first time, I'm finding this a littl heavy and am having to re read to check where I am etc

Also, and this script is not alone with this, the lack of dialogue is a factor - seems quite strange to have all the interaction and only one sided. Many suffer this. You are not alone...

The egg salad is included!!!

I liked the being chased. The sense of an evil presence after you.

Not sure the set up was that strong, and the chase did see a little random.

The opening of the portals wasn't a strength and as said the one side dialogue was difficult in this type of script.

Goat man was in part good, but also in part a little over the top and cliched.

But, it does have soemthing. All the best.

Simple kind of nightmare logic to the whole thing.  Straight-up monster/slasher, plenty of horror yet at bit been there done that.

A few asides gave this a tongue in cheek feel, but the horror was pretty consistent throughout.

Writing was a bit hit and miss in places -- but did well to convey a sense of urgency as things heated up.  

Liked the Goatman -- got a good sense of how he looked, if no clear idea as to why he acted as he did.  Or how the unconscious freezer nurse happened to know they would survive if they could hold out till morning (that was my guess at the lipstick message anyway).  Not sure how she hid in the freezer and Goatman didn’t try to get in after her -- he’d be warm enough with all that goat hair.

I’m not sure what my take is on this, but I read it through with no real issues regarding the actual writing (sans typos). It was gruesome in a sense, but in a weird and whimsical way. For no apparent reason it reminded me of the’ Sha Na Na’ Halloween concert I saw when I was a kid; I think it was because Bowser had this leviathan leg bone he was using as a prop.

Anyways, I’m not really sure what transpired, except I found it fun to read. I thought the Goatman and his Owl Tattoos were really creative, that could seriously work in a taught, psychological thriller, and of course the inclusion of a Candy Striper (Nurse).

Had to do a search on the Corvin Bridge just because… We’re in Romania and the hotel is actually a castle? Nice... and we’re at a séance with Egg Salad, Peanut Butter Kisses, green goo and maggots… OK then.

The dialogue rule seems to have done this the most damage out of what I've read so far. There are a lot of characters and a fair amount of interaction, only one character talking in these situations was just odd and made it a rough read.

The goatman was a creepy antagonist with some unique edges like the tattoos and... well, being a goatman, but apart from that he was one-note and cliche. A few unique features of how he looks didn't remedy it for me. I did like the costume party aspect though.

If there was a plot or a more interesting protagonist I could have probably liked this more. It was pretty much all action, I didn't find the writing of the action sequence bad, but I did find it the action to contain nothing uniquely refreshing or interesting. That along with the lack of plot made this a forgettable entry for me.

SPOILERS

I like the story.  Sara is an interesting character; spunky, she adapts to changing situations as best  she can.  The Goatman is a scary, mysterious creation -- powerful and hungry but picky (in what parts of the dead he eats).  The eyes on his body looking around are very, very creepy.

The ending is terrific, I like the message on the Candy Striper's arm and Sara carting her off to safety is great.  Lots of excitement, this could be a very entertaining film.

EDIT
I like the name, peanut butter kisses are sticky candies wrapped in waxy black or orange paper, as I recall -- I like that the Zombie Bride seems to crave them and the Clown collapses, surrounded by them.  

Effective tease into horror. Some dark humour. Great creature stuff. Good gore. Simply delivers.

Nice title. That got my attention, even if I have no idea what it means. So… Halloween costume party. That’s a surprisingly unique setting in this OWC. Whereas I though it wouldn’t. Go figure. I wonder if this will go all HALLOWEEN 3 on us. The proposal stuff, although a joke, it’s a probable moment for the guy to say, “Marry me?” If the 1 speaker parameter wasn’t in effect I assume he would have. I could use a better excuse around that.

When Sara busts the peeping Tom maybe there might be another joke to consider. Like, “Happy Halloween, Peeping Tom, you just got your treat… where’s mine?” If he is a psychopath, well, here’s a chance to give the couple a Trick instead. Shit. Yup, with another devil penis (in OWCs) I know this isn’t a costume. Nice traditional demon stuff. And creepy. Oh, and I like the blinking eye tattoos. Good stuff. Freaky. HA. I liked that devil horn hand signal joke. Damn. And that “ivory bat”?!  Inventive gore.

During Sara’s flight of escape maybe she should yell for “Police” or “Someone, please, Call the cops!” Yes, costume part massacre. Sure, it would drive up the budget, but I’d like to see how this gruesome carnage took place. Something to consider. I assume the Devil did it somehow. Or zombie girl, maybe with the aid of demonic spells or something - like a demented CARRIE Hell-bent on revenge?

That ivory bat as the Goatman’s toothpick for appetizers - dark comedy at its best. Nice balance. For me, this humour didn’t hijack the horror. Weird. Zombie grrrrl is killed too? Maybe she was just the only survivor somehow? I thought she might be responsible somehow.

I like how fast the action beats tick by. Good flow there. I’m thinking of the kitchen stuff especially. I love how you built up the tension, slow escalation of horror, anticipation. That’s what does it for me. Specifically, the tapping and waiting stuff. The actual scare is usually like a 1 second jump, once it actually happens. So the build-up is what’s important. I think you did that well. I wanted to know what was going to happen. I was worried. Things just got worse and worse for our character.

I like how Sara isn’t defenceless. She fights back. Nice gross effects. I’m thinking of the oozing maggots stuff. I wonder if you should embellish the attack and her escape. It seems like it actually came off too easily. Maybe there’s another obstacle before the freezer. How come Goatman didn’t follow her? Or wait outside the freezer door? Ah well. Oh and nice final twist. The hotel disappears. I like it. It’s like each Halloween the Devil(?) lures in young nubile bodies to dismember and digest. Oh… and I’m still wondering what’s up with that title? Hmm. I’m interested in other’s interpretations on that.

High tension. Gross gore. Inventive horror bits.       *   *   *     (of 5)

The choice of a costume party is colorful and fits the Halloween part of the theme well, but it really hurt you with the dialogue. Maybe if it was a secret society gathering ala Eyes Wide Shut. I don’t remember them being too chatty. Then again, I don’t remember them eating Peanut Butter Kisses either.

On page 6 we’ve got “SPECIAL SEANCE AT MIDNIGHT”, but Goatman’s actually a face in the crowd before then. I guess he was turned, or possessed. I don’t know how Goatman was able to kill all these people while keeping them more or less contained.

Pg. 8 “It takes her a moment to realize that the light in here aren’t coming from the lamps above.” Maybe I’m missing it, where is the light coming from?

So the Candy Striper goes into the freezer, writes a note on her arm about how impenetrable it is, but doesn’t bother to lock the door herself before passing out. Was she expecting company? Why couldn’t she stay awake for it?

As a scene from a slasher movie this has some nice moments. The kitchen scene was tense. But as a story it doesn’t work for me. Goatman is a great creation though. I wanted to know what was up with those eyes. I think you should expand his story. Maybe find a way to work him into a feature. Even a romantic comedy would be greatly improved by his presence  :)

Honestly, I felt this one ran a bit long.  Not bad, but it had a very standard slasher vibe... so there was nothing that really made this one stand out.  (A few moments of true gross out... but even these felt gratuitous.)  Sorry - not a terrible script in general.  But definitely not for me.  

Cheers -

J (W)

I'm thrown off at the start by some strangeness...

- non standard header "INT-" (typo?)
- wall to wall wine and cheese music?
- Vampires, “wicked” witches and scarecrows are in the
minority. -- All 3 are in the minority? Then what's the majority?

Are all these specific costumes needed? If not you don't need to call them out.

"Ladies Bathroom" needs a new scene heading.

"Zombie Bride from a table over watches Sara and Marty. Zombie
Bride focuses on the black and orange wrapped candies Marty
devours every few seconds in between shots of booze.
SARA (CONT’D)
Those things are nasty." -- we started at ZB's table, then switched to Sara and Marty's? Or is Sara's line (O.S.)?

Why is no one talking except for Sara? Has to make sense in the story.
Like when the Goat Man attacks Marty, he says absolutely nothing???

"Lets the bloody hand streak down the window." -- what bloody hand?

"INSERT
Keys in the ignition." - what keys? What car? Who inserts?

"But this is a
kitchen. That doesn't make any sense. So the only way out of
here is -" -- how is the audience supposed to pick this up?

Well, this one was certainly different. Writing needs work, but I was actually pretty entertained by it, mostly curious to see where you were going with it. So good job on that front.

Hard to get much creepier than a guy chasing you in a goat mask. Unless, it's the "green goo and maggots" that ooze from his hand after Sara stabs him. Geez. (This is just NOT my genre. Too scary.)  :)
So much going on, that did wonder whether just Sara's story would be enough. Interacting with other characters works, but Sara is so active (always a good thing) it might strengthen the story even more, give it more specific focus, to simply follow Sara. Just an idea...

A lot of characters introduced at the beginning, I know all of them won’t speak or take part (I think?) but it’s a lot to digest right from the get-go.

Didn’t understand the whole thing with the compact – what’s that telling me, that zombie bride is a bitch? She must not be pleased with the zombie groom.

“and that does it.” Does what? There’s something about the writing I’m not liking at the moment, it feels disjointed which means I can’t get a grasp on the story. The high character count isn’t helping either.

“quietly stares” As opposed to “loud” staring? She shouldn’t worry; nobody would hear her over the music.

“GOATMAN’s” Gotham has Batman, this place has Goatman – love it.

“Marty opens the door. Goatman grabs him” I thought Goatman was on Sara’s side because she was looking at his… you know. Suddenly, Goatman is at Marty’s side? Maybe it could be clearer here.

“Goatman pulld Marty” Typo.

“Goatman eases the body to the pavement.” Seems strange that he would “ease” the body down? Before he was throwing Marty around, and then he snapped his neck – bit late to go all gentle now.

“An apple wine bottle falls out of the car.” How? What, it just suddenly decided to roll out, wouldn’t it have rolled or fallen out when the door opened?

Woof! Now Goatman means business – if Sara didn’t think it after seeing her boyfriend get his neck snapped, then the bottle smashing under his hoof should convince her.

“The window goes up, closes just in time.” Thank God – lucky that Goatman can’t break glass… wait a minute, that apple wine bottle was made of… Crap! Looks like Sara’s in deep shit.

“She can’t find the keys! Radio blares—“ The radio blares, but she can’t find the keys – has she tried the ignition?

“Goatman shoves Marty head first into the driver’s side window!” He’s gone back to being rough with Marty. Maybe he’ll “ease” him back out.

Do you need to change slugs with the car? I guess you did the I/E slug at the beginning – some peeps don’t like that – me I don’t really care.

“Her high heels do her no favors as they clickety-click during her escape.” I really do hate this kind of thing! Take the heels off God damn it!

Seems strange to stay on Goatman – especially as we’re on the bridge with Sara? I don’t think this works for me.

“Sara discards them.” Finally, but it took for them to snap until she did this – please change this and have her discard straight away – give her some credit.

Okay, I’m getting lost now – are we back in the car, or on the bridge? I think it’s the iPhone under Marty’s shirt that is throwing a curve ball at me.

“creeps up to Sara.” Is it possible for him to creep now? I mean, Sara knows he’s there and he’s a big Goatman with blood over him (I also think he’s in the car?)

“Five miles an hour. Coming for her.” Very slowly… Maybe the Goatman hasn’t got his license? That would make sense, he’s not comfortable driving too fast or something.

“He’s got a long white bone with smeared blood in his left hand.” What happened with the car? Did he park it outside the hotel?

Why are you telling me all about the other bodies? I’m not C.S.I so these details don’t matter – how’s Sara gonna get out of this?

Not sure about the Shining line – personally I like it but it does hurt the tone and takes away the tension somewhat. Maybe that was your intention?

“The crunch of glass under her feet.” That’s gonna hurt – guess I was wrong about the heels. Nah, she should of definitely taken them off from the get-go.

“Slices off the pinky!” The pinky!? Stick that knife into the fucker’s head.

“With a power yank” I like it, very macho!

“STAY WONT GET U N HERE.” Who was the message for? Not to mention that it’s pretty stupid – you stay in there and you’re dead anyway.

“But this is a kitchen. That doesn’t make any sense.” Yeah, you’ve lost me now – maybe this was a page limit thing, but it doesn’t work at all. Painful to think that you could put a lot of work into this and then do this on the last page – it’s what the reader leaves with and it doesn’t leave a great lasting impression.

Didn’t care for the ending.

I like this on some level – cliché slasher though and it seems like the writer watched Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer the night before.

Killer chases chick through the empty street to some deserted hotel, but she keeps avoiding his attacks to take him out in the end. Well, we didn’t get that ending, or a surprise Scooby Doo finale.

The Goatman is an inventive idea in a way, and was the only thing different in this tale – liked the eyes on his back and what not.  When it’s all said and done, this came across as something I’ve seen or read a hundred times before and I think I’ll forget about it pretty quickly.

Concentrate on the Goatman and see if you can build a premise around that evil bastard, but please don’t go down the high school or teenager routine where they get picked off one by one after raising him during some party.

The writing was clumsy in spots, slug and grammar issues but that’s all part of the OWC. The asides: some worked, others didn’t but I’m not one to bash you for that because I like to use them as well – it’s a preference thing really.

I’ll leave on a positive, it was entertaining and that’s all you can hope for sometimes.

26.  Peanut Butter Kisses by Maria Avedici Santoya - After a Halloween party, an axe-wielding sociopath in a goat mask stalks a young woman. When she fights back, she finds he's not exactly human.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Peanut Butter Kisses’ this thing can go anywhere but suggests a more feminine/comforting twist or bias towards it. The title’s hardly horrific, looking for some deep irony here.
Gorgeous visually rich intro scene.
(Turn off your program’s “Mores and Continueds” feature. Not necessary.)
(Drunken) sex scene in car is alright.
Nice Goatman intro.
Cool but odd tattoo eyes opening image.
Good death and disbelief-to-fright scene at car.
Odd, but trope typical, pursuit of Sara by Goatman in the slow rolling car.
Love the incongruity of the ballroom “Happy Halloween” sign. (BTW, story’s past halfway over and I don’t see where the PBKisses comes into play = eh… )
Amusing head-on-a-stick image. Oh! And it moans, too. Funny.
Ah, well… Upon placing the femur and skull into Brett’s body only to retrieve/replace it with the axe kinda makes the whole effort of it moot.
“A half-eaten egg salad on a table near the freezer.”  Hmm… okay. Losing momentum with that.  Or maybe a clue. I dunno.
Back on task! Green goo and maggots! A la Mister Oogie Boogie Man.
Sara retreats into the confined freezer. Classic horror cliche canon. Incredible. Sigh.
Eh… and that ended.
Meh… There’s a lot of good stuff in here. Seems like a scene from a greater feature length piece. The story would benefit from some good thoughtful consideration of how to deviate from classic creature feature foundations and move towards a more spectral encounter, losing all expected horror tropes.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Please, find a different title.  :)
- Change the shared cigarette in car to a shared joint.
- Since the budget for this is off the chart, go ahead and relocate the femur removal from current point to when Goatman exits car, pulls out Marty’s body, THEN rips out the femur before pursuing Sara into building. There/here doesn’t cost the budget any more, so keep it timely and more visually clear.
- Don’t ditch the femur-head for the axe. The axe never goes into play, so there’s no need to swap one for the other.
- Find an imaginative use for the femur. Find several. Muah-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!!

First of all, I want to thank everyone who read this script during the OWC reviewing. You might recall early on I "reviewed"my own work but after a few days I zapped the post out because I thought that my own self views/ retrospective may have been echoing other peeps and thus, taking away a need to comment on the script.

Quoted from Canis Tough call! Darren and LC will both have something smart and clever, Darren moving more towards the psychological aspects of writing.

.

To LC the script was in no way a 'pisser' I was actually kind of shocked by that. On the one hand, I didn't mind it because it was your opinion and I respect your input. You also usually like my writing. But it was the post that kicked it off, and my first thought was that I seriously dropped the ball. When you were guessing what I wrote in the guesses thread, I liked having fun with you and Khamanna. Only one person had it right- Reef Dreamer (although Reef spelled my name wrong) There was a few things in the script that would have given it away,  my occasional (over)prose in OWC among them. Some days I get away with it. Other days...well, this was one of those days.

Quoted from Dustin It's a simple slasher and I'm not really a fan of things that are simple. I avoid them. That's probably the reason I haven't enjoyed this as much as others might.

I hear you. As much as I love the original Halloween, A Nightmare On Elm Street, Child's Play, Friday The 13th part 6 and Candyman...I couldn't understand why I wrote so many horror specs short and feature and not one of them was a slasher. The closest I ever got to a slasher was my short script Breaking Eggs, about a psycho in the ward dressed like a nurse – but that was more thriller than direct slasher. But---at least only one character could talk. That means we won't have five characters going out lone calling out a missing friend's name so that The Killer can hear them and slice n dice em up.

Quoted from Reef The egg salad is included!!!

During the thead of the OWC announcement, as I was writing the scene, I wanted a quick shot of discarded food. I kept referencing the taffy/peanut butter kisses (one of most nastiest candy kids get on Halloween- I researched that!) but I wanted something else. There was a joke about what Marnie usually has in her scripts, so I thought it would be funny if I gave a slight shout out to Marnie.

Quoted from Canis Had to do a search on the Corvin Bridge just because… We’re in Romania and the hotel is actually a castle?

Is there a Corvin Bridge? Now I had to look it up too. And when I did …



Well, okay. It wasn't that bad. Yeah, a Halloween party inside a castle...no...the castle where Vlad Tepes was held prisoner actually has this morbid thought to it. I mean, I read the comment, I'm like what castle? There's no castle here. I just thought of a name for a bridge, nothing more. Yeah. Now I'm wishing I DID have a castle in there. After all, that would give an excuse to not only expand the script, but film in Romania because good ol' Chiller and/or SyFy channel needs stuff. The Goatman legend originates from the United States though (Texas and Maryland in specific) but I suppose he could be more Baphomet-ish.  Anyway, chalk it up to a Happy Accident.  More on this below.


[Quote-DS] The dialogue rule seems to have done this the most damage out of what I've read so far. There are a lot of characters and a fair amount of interaction, only one character talking in these situations was just odd and made it a rough read [/quote]

This seems to be the most common criticism, and I made a note of it. After my recent rewtite, siome characters new dialog didn't help all that much at the moment, I may have to expand on the short to a feature length (depending how I feel) to justify the other characters, such as Zombie Bride speaking. The short rewrite will be around soon, and if anyone gives it a second look you'll see what I mean.

By the way, the title is changed from Peanut Butter Kisses to GOATMAN. The motivation for the character is to prevent and/or punish those guests who leave the dimensional trap too early. This is cleared up a little bit in the revision. Also Brett is now Zombie Girl's date and him and Marty are not related. The Clown is eliminated. So is The headless Count. The jock isthere. Candy Nurse remains. The majority of party-goers however, are actually ghosts/past victims which explains their disappearance, and a plot hole was also covered (which nobody really noticed...yet)- hey, there's a hotel. Why go out to the car down the road to make out when...you can book a room?)

I originally had the seance/conjuring,but I needed to cut for space (it was going on twelve pages) and I wanted a feel of both surrealism and seeing the carnage in the aftermath. The revision re-inserts this as well, along with two characters that were axed (ha ha get it, "axed" er...nevermind) - the Hotel CLERK and the person leading the Seance.

Quoted from DBM Why is no one talking except for Sara? Has to make sense in the story. Like when the Goat Man attacks Marty, he says absolutely nothing???

The OWC specified that only one character talk. By the way, the BATHROOM header is fine. It is a sub-location inside the hotel/ballroom. And Zombie Bride overhears the conversation over at the next table in her view so it isn't offscreen/camera.

There is a question about whether or not the freezer was really safe. I was surprised peeps think people in a panic that write scribbled notes on walls and arms would take a moment to dot I and cross the T's if you will, but the main question remains. Is the freeer safe? IAgain, I cut a scene that would explain it (he only made a victim think so and left her for dead- his goal is to prevent victims from escaping and rounding up those who did) so it haste I made up a quick rule that he doesn't like extreme cold.


Most other comments were about covcering the same issues. Everyone liked the Goatman, and I did put a bit of a spin on it.  One early bit had him dig a axe made of human bones from under the bridge. It was a neat gag that I had to cut for space, and I simply had him carry Marty's leg bone like a club. In retrospect a few days after writing the draft, I had second thoughts about it. Why bother...? Goatman should just have the axe to begin with.

For those who haven't read this yet, the new version Goatman will be up soon.  The asides are goine, although Sara has the "What are you waiting for" line as part of the dialog. The Goatman's phallic moment is gone - I didn't really need it and it seemed to have the opposite effect in the read.


The new short is expanded to 15 pages, although there is a pesky annoyance with a additional title page. The nerw dialog bugs me a little. I might have to give Zombire Bride an actual name. Maybe Lucy. I dunno. But as I re-read the comments something did grab my attention. Again, the Corvin Castle thing.

If I did expand Goatman to 80-90 pges, well, yes, Sara, Candy Nurse (gonna haveta give her a name too) would most likely be trapped for at least an hour and a half in the dimensional hotel. But then Canis brought up Corvin Bridge/Castle, and as I thought about it...they go deeper into the place and the walls kind of change into these stone bricks and such---and---


nah...let sleeping dogs lie!

-DjS

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley To LC the script was in no way a 'pisser' I was actually kind of shocked by that.

Oh. I thought it was a pisstake as well.

R

I didn't read three entries and this was one of them.

I know you rewrote it - so maybe when you upload the new version you could give me a shout? Most probably I'll see it but If I don't please let me know.

Quoted from khamanna I didn't read three entries and this was one of them. I know you rewrote it - so maybe when you upload the new version you could give me a shout? Most probably I'll see it but If I don't please let me know.

Both versions are up in this thread (and thread renamed-thanks Don)

It gives me Error 404 when I click on the new version.

Quoted from khamanna It gives me Error 404 when I click on the new version.

Happened to me too.
>:(

I wonder if I had that early "ultimate surreal" version I hit Don with the first time around. Darn thing's cursed, y'know... ;D

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Happened to me too. >:( I wonder if I had that early "ultimate surreal" version I hit Don with the first time around. Darn thing's cursed, y'know... ;D

It is fixed.  Apologies.

Don

Hey Darren.
Just read it and took some notes below. Overall - you raised two questions for me - who is the Goatman and I didn't get an answer to that. I mean is he a real thing or is he a man wearing a mask. And the other one is - will Sara get away from him. She did and managed to save someone. But I wish she was a bit more proactive. Did something against him or something.  I didn't understand why he didn't follow Sara and Candy. He was there... You left if sort of open for me.

Here are the notes:
p1 "Zombie Bride's fake owl eyebrows, give her a odd look as she glances back" - something must be wrong with this sentence. It's like the eyebrows give a look, on the other hand there's a coma. Anyway, better rewrite this one I think. Also it's "an odd look"

bottom of p1 - I don't understand why Sara is surprised. And looks like she's angry at Zombie Bride. Sara told her to get the compact, she did.

P2 - had to go up the page and check who Marty was. You introduced him in another scene. Probably better introduce him now. Your call.

p5 "we go and go now or we just don't go" could be smoother I guess.

"This time they see the peeping tom." is it another person? I don't understand.

"THey get a good look at Goatman" - did they see him before? Maybe you better say "That's when they see Goatman".

p6 - I was waiting to see what they were going to do and they are in the fog moaning. Kind of a little let down.

p6 "She playfully takes the cigarette from his mouth" - should be "from Marty's mouth" - otherwise a sentence above you're talking about the Coatman.

p7 "Sara takes a step back" - I thought she was inside the car. Did I miss something?

p10 "The CLERK his..." should be "her" perhaps.
p12 "Feel any better now, son of a bitch!" - probably should end with a question mark.

Good luck with it!

SPOILERS and notes

Script is even better in the rewrite.  Very enjoyable.

I like that the Seance scene shows Goatman needs to find the 2 missing people.  Our first time seeing Goatman in silhouette, half hidden by fog is good and eerie.

Goatman as heat-seeker could be emphasized more, maybe he gets stronger near heat and hot people and when

"Sara freezes in fear"  maybe he can't find her for that moment.

When the Goatman is driving the car in reverse his various eyes could show that he's drawn to the engine's heat and to Sara -- crazy tattoo eyes burning with purpose while dutifully checking the car's rearview and side mirrors...

Page 10.  Rather than have Goatman chomp down, rip the meat off the leg bone, if he smashes the bone, sucks out the bone marrow he could get a bigger jolt of heat, maybe.

In exchange for having peanut butter kisses gone from the title maybe a sticky brown goo could replace the green goo from Goatman's mangled hand and severed finger.

I like the petty jealously of the Zombie Bride and her confusion about which one of the girls is her rival and that she calls Sara a Cold Bitch.  Note: page 6 reads Zombie Girl (Bride is better).

Maybe by the time Sara and the Candy Striper are back in the car, Candy Striper could start to revive and her first thought is to check her lipstick in the rearview mirror, she sees what Sara sees... "Goatman by the revolving door..."

Quoted from c m hall In exchange for having peanut butter kisses gone from the title maybe a sticky brown goo could replace the green goo from Goatman's mangled hand and severed finger.

Thanks for the revisit CM. Didn't think about the heat thing, that's a nice suggestion. Could use some more of that outside...but I alrady kind of did that gag. Only instead of peanut butter, it was pumpkin pie filling.