Da Horns by Samuel Wayman - Short, Horror - Would you go to the depths of hell to bring back someone you loved?   (R ) - pdf, format 8)

Writer,

Hmm... Or -- Bravo!

Spoiler ahead...

I'm not sure if I got why she killed her savior in the end. I'm guessing she was in Hell because she was a murdering bitch in the first place. But anyway... I see a lot of skill in this writing. Once I got the feel of the writing it was a breeze to read. Tense, taut and a couple asides that never distracted. It made me turn the pages, and each action block flowed seamlessly into the next, or into the next slug.

I feel had the writer had more time, smoothed some of the rough edges, this would have been even better. But kudos for a good read in such short time. I liked this one alot!

Steve

Code They hurry through the hollow. Bare branches reach down, scratch at Jacob. They don’t touch Miriella. It’s as if the forest wants to lay claim on a fresh soul.

I love this... but it needs to be rewritten to flow better.

This is very, very good.

It could do with an edit or three but this is a good story, very well told, IMO. A recommend from me.

Spoiler ahead...

Tongue-in-cheek allegory about a guy trying to reclaim his girlfriend who has left him for another woman? At the end, he "saves" her, but now he's gay?

If that's it, pretty well done. If not, it still is.

Questions:
1. Am I right that the portal was the octopus creature that "consumed"  Jacob and the boat?
2. Was her nipple nosy? Just kidding. I assume typo.

A faceless WOMAN walks through the wasteland, past lesbian sex.

'past lesbian sex', hmm. I'm sure some of your audience of men in particular (and some women) would have liked if you'd elaborated on this and shown us a bit of what is actually happening in that scene - also when they try to tempt her.

I think it could be phrased a lot better.

I mean replace that with: 'past heterosexual sex' -  and it sounds, hmm well, what do you think?

plus she's 'faceless'? What are we seeing then - like a blank slate?

The fiery RED HEAD undresses her as the BLOND BOMBSHELL kisses up her
tummy, pinches then licks her nosy nipple.

This is just too over the top for me. Btw, did you mean 'rosy' nipple?

I'm having a hard time with 'da dialogue' in this too, sorry.

How about making a note at character intro that the character speaks in a certain manner/accent and then do the dialogue normally? Hey, I could be wrong. It's just how I felt reading it.

The descriptions could do with some cutting back - everything just seems laden with extras - extra words, a bit too much novelistic decoration, least for my liking.

But then there's this type of shorthand:

sexy as shit and she
knows it),

Tarantino fan, perhaps?

Clothed in only his own blood, This means he's naked and covered in blood doesn't it? I don't think you can be clothed in blood. You're the writer I suppose you can say that if you want, but I thought it odd.

The story itself, though familiar, isn't too bad, it's just not my thing I suppose.

Quoted Text A faceless WOMAN walks through the wasteland, past lesbian sex.

Best.  Script.  Ever!!!

This line made me laugh as it was so casual in how the lesbian sex was introduced to us.

The big problem with this script is that it didn't build for me.  The writer set up the situation, but the stakes were never raised.  Jason and Miriella must get back before dawn.  Some twists and turns are needed for this to work.  Maybe Miriella needed her wedding/engagement ring to cross off and something grabbed it from her at the last minute.  The stakes needed to be raised.  And they weren't.


Phil

When I first started writing in -06, I was told not to use any 'ing words, always write in present tense (at that time, I didn't even know what that was...) I was even told not to even use the word "and". This became so ingrained in me that I'm still afraid to break these rules. I read a lot of scripts. Nowadays, mostly pro scripts. I have seen a trend lately to write more in the style that you have written here. Even the title on the cover is trendy. Some people can pull this style of writing off, others cannot and it just ends up feeling forced. IMHO, I think you're one of those who can. I wish I could write this way, but I can't. I'm still stuck in my no 'ing words and anti "and" world.

Story wise, I read one good OWC yesterday about the exact same thing, but it was rated PG and set in the Victorian era in London. The writer did a great job, but your story is more my speed since it's dark and sinister.

I do agree with LC though that you could descibe the lesbian sex a bit better. Not that you need to go XXX-rated on us, but just saying lesbian sex could be just about anything.

All in all, a very visual (minus the lesbian sex) enjoyable read. Great work! One of my favorites so far. Maybe even the favorite.  8)

Another Orpheus/Eurydice myth.


The original myth is so profound that it's always going to be hard to get a story to come close to it.

Sadly, this doesn't. There are some interesting visuals, but they never feel anything other than borrowed and the central story lacks tension.  

When I read some scripts there are times when I can literally pick where the writer has lifted characters from. Here you have the Horns from Hellboy, the Witch Lady from Pirates of the Caribbean added to the familiar story of Orpheus.

As they say...don't borrow, steal. You have to make things your own a little more.


There's a reasonable tone to it all, and other than the descriptions of the Lesbian sex, it's fairly well-written, but the story is too familiar and it needs more to separate it from similar tales. Plus, we've been told she's evil, so the end comes as little surprise.

I would like to be a bit more complimentary, but I suppose it just didn't work for me. Good luck.

I'm on the fence with this one.

It read quick and easy, despite the lack of dialogue (restrictions noted).

The beginning got me interested and it definitely had an eerie and surreal feel throughout.

My concern is with the story.  Jacob goes to hell and back, literally, to rescue the love of his life, Miriella but then ending left me a bit flat.  I wanted know why she then killed him, after such an epic escape/survival story.

I'm going to stab at the fact that she is the devil and Jacob is unaware of this.  She cuts off her horns to conceal her identity until free from Hell and then sees no point in Jacob, so kills him?  I could be way off here though lol.

I did enjoy this script, especially the visual and slightly dark humour.  Good effort.

She killed him because she had cut off her horns. He was warned to leave her there if she'd grown them already. As she'd cut them off he was none the wiser and unfortunately brought a demon back through with him. Typical woman really.




Kidding (checks GF isn't looking over shoulder).

*spoilers*

On a creative note, I've learned a new way to combat writers block: lesbians!

The transition during her transformation, then arriving in the world of the living was outstanding. I also dug the description of the flowers and then squashing them.

Not sure why the ending didn't hit me that hard. Maybe because the horns had a clear association with fiery abyss and not the real world. Most readers are not gonna see lesbian sex as a negative consquence, so the horns lacked the punch. Basically, I'm reaching to Miriella for the theme now, so in that regard you've done well.

Page 3 Criteria nitpick. That O.S. is actually V.O. which I don’t think was allowed. But since it’s prelap it shouldn’t matter really. Just cut back sooner.

I enjoyed this a lot. One of my favorites, if not the favorite so far. If I had to nitpick further I’d note that I missed Kora’s horn exposition. I’m not a fan of phonetically spelled accents. I find myself having to decipher individual words at the expense of processing the whole sentence. If you moved the bit about the horns into the V.O. section it might tie stronger to the image and be a bit clearer. But the truth is, I never realized I missed a beat until I read the comments. So maybe you don’t need any dialogue at all.

Writing was tops as well. Overall, some really good work here.

Wow, thre's alot to take in here...alot of great imagery, great descriptions, thick, oozing visuals...and...yes...lesbians.

The writing is from a confident hand, and although I don't necessarily agree with certain aspects of this style - the asides, the use of "we", etc, it works well as written and has a wonderful flow.

The challenge parameters don't get in the way here at all, IMO, and if I didn't know better, I wouldn't have a clue that only character was allowed to speak.

The dialogue, although tough to pull off is again, well done and effective.

Story is powerful IMO, and again, just works.

Bottom line is as I always say, some things just work while most just don't work.  This one works, and hits on all cylenders.

My favorite so far.  Well done!

Da Horns

Hello,

The description is partly unfocused concerning characters. A faceless woman becomes Mariella with horns 2 scenes later... then she's named Miriella suddenly...

INT. CAVE

Kora's dialogue is not O.S - it is V.O.

Kora's at another place than Miriella; it must be V.O. if the cave isn't next door to the cabin, so that it could sound into it anyhow...

There's a lot of fantasy inside. Kudos for that. But I have to say that this is literature for me.

Very vivid descriptions. A whole lot of nasty stuff going on in this eternal fiery abyss. Could picture all of it. (yuck)  :)

Read twice, just to make sure I understood all the characters. There was a bit of confusion, at first, as to whose story it was. Became clear soon enough that it was Jacob's.

Will admit, really enjoyed reading Kora's dialog. Cryptic-language (like partial foreign language) is tough to do well. (Don't want to get so bogged down in deciphering that it's distracting.) Kora's was fun to read and easy to follow.Well done.

WTF? Is this a script or a short story? I don't think the author's got a clue where one ends and the other begins. Fudge whatever you want

Hell hath no fury like…a woman(?)

Appetizing Cajun flavour. Atmospheric. Creature-ific. Strong visuals. Um… Nudity.

Good intro with the traditional vision of Hell. A faceless woman with a hacksaw makes for an intriguing horror image. Nice one. Not sure why you mentioned lesbian sex there, but I thank you. I wonder if it could be better woven in. It seems to suggest that she is lesbian too, since your description mentions she’s tempted but doesn’t stop. This teaser does its job and grabs my attention right away.

I wonder if these scenes need a bit more transitioning between them. It seems like your establishing a few things early on. I like the idea that we might have a more complicated short here. Consider the effect all of the multiple scene shifts (in 1 page – or 1 minute) will have on a viewer. For me, it’s hard to get my bearings. Who is the focus on? Probably that canoer even though he has the least screen time.

The phonetic dialogue helps add a little (Cajun) flavour to the proceedings. I appreciate this sort of unique character stuff. It helps make them memorable. Or even this short. It’s the swamp one. So I think you selected a successful setting and style of dialogue. I like how you showed us Mariella chopping off her horns, right before we learn that if she has grown horns she’s already passed the point of no return. She can’t come back or be helped. Sad. I like the dramatic irony there too. We know it’s a hopeless quest, but Jacob doesn’t. I’d actually consider pairing the dialogue about the horns with the image of the horns – to land with more impact and clarity. Good stuff.

I like the atmosphere. Those little details really help. I think you could maybe re-word one phrase. From: “the vines and vegetation grow like time lapse swallowing the cabin up” – into something like: “vines quickly swallow the cabin”. It condenses the material but still keeps that creepy image alive. This is just an example of how to shorten those longer details that really help create atmosphere.  We need details to lead us into the horror, for build-up – it’s like foreplay. You gotta tease us in the right way. Then deliver the scare/climax. I digress… I like how Jacob has essentially past the point of no return himself though. And I love how the atmospheric details continue. They help put me there, since we don’t get the manipulation of music (which, on-screen, helps horror a lot in regard to atmosphere).

Some gothic scary eroticism, eh. That’s a conflict of emotions / urges going on. I hate to say it, but I like it when a horror movie challenges me like this. It’s strange and unsettling. So good stuff there too. Wow. Back with Jacob and the twisted bayou. A lot of creepy and fantastic (re: fantasy, like mermaid) creatures.

Some internal details help convey Jacob’s emotions during the reunion scene. But I feel like you could rework the description to something more visual. I like the internal detail but I would like it paired with an image to better excuse the more novel appropriate elements.

I really liked the bridge/portal idea. And I loved how it crumbled as they ran for the “otherside”.  This would be an intense moment on screen, for sure.  A lot of running going on throughout the short though.  

Days later (?) , after being freed from Hell, Miriella smells a flower. Then crushes it. Did something else “cross-over” with her? Does she have a “dark passenger” on board. I like that visual approach to hint at this mystery. A strong image. I sense a twist a brewing. And the reveal. So the demon possessed (?) Miriella killed her saviour. She can’t hide the beast within, the horns grow back. I like that ending. I kind of saw it coming, but so what. It was effective. I just wish you didn’t describe them as “DA” horns in the description. What’s up with that? Er, I mean, whaddup wit dat, mon chere? An extra pinch of Cajun flavour for the end, I guess. That said, I’m not a fan of the title. There’s got to be something better - even if it’s “bland” like THE HORNS. After-all, how much flavour does a “DA” really add?

Compelling. Strong visuals. Good atmosphere. Effective ending.   Bad title.     *    *    *     (of 5)

Nice visuals, I could actually smell the bayou (I didn't say lesbian sex). The opening image as well, from the depths, puts me in mind of Constantine and his periodic bouts with the underworld; it immediately set the mood for what lies ahead.

The drawing of Mariella's horns, via blunt tool (a painful method) in order to mask her temperance of what she is/has become, therefore hiding her true form from Jacob (her perceived saviour) is a clever scene indeed.  And lo'...  I am a wolf in sheep's clothing. Preying on Jacobs animal lust and vulnerability to ensure he only sees her 'Skin Deep' will allow her transportation through the portal unhindered, at least, not by Jacob.

The (O.S) dialog from KORA is somewhat confusing. Is she still in the cabin, but can project her conscious form to the cave? It took me out for a double read.

Near the end, the image of Miriella destroying something beautiful (the flower), simply because she can, really gives credence to the fact; "You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl"

A creative and haunting story...

Quoted from Last Fountain Bad title.     *    *    *     (of 5)

Completely disagree!

Great title, actually.  Unique, compelling, and totally in line with the theme and flavor of this kickass script.

This one isn't ideal for someone who keeps chickens and has a canoe. That said, I really enjoyed it. There was certainly a lot going on here, mermaids, lesbians, an octopus like creature.

The first time around I didn't get a lot of it, especially the ending. I went back looking for things that I'd missed and ended up starting again from the beginning.

When I read 'And if’n she done grown da horns, it’s too late, she’s pass’d over an ya gotta leave’r be.', which I somehow missed the first time, it all clicked into place.

What really stood out was the way the writer handled the 'otherworld' concept. The use of the bridge is unique and clever and the contrast between the two sides was awesome.

Excellent job. My favourite so far.  

Very cool. Couldn't really add anything more to what's already been said. Is that a cop out? I also enjoyed the Cajun dialog and thought it elevated the style to another level. I missed the earlier comment about the horns as well and had to go back and read it again to get the ending. Oops. It's made clear enough though. I must've been skimming or zoning at the time.

Mariella carrying a hacksaw, walking past the temptresses -- that's dazzling, it's got to be the box office poster.

It's a mesmerizing story.  

I love the writing on display.  Some parts would be awesome on screen.  Very cool images.

The caps doesn't read well in the opening, no reason for it to be there. Also, fix that title page up, it doesn't look good.

Struggling with the writing, you seem to jump between scene description, the back to the action at hand, and then back to the scene description. Becomes hard to follow, at least for me.

Not a fan of the accented English dialogue either, reminds of the Frenchman script to be honest. Moving on...

"the vines and vegetation grow like time lapse
swallowing the cabin up." Describe it for me.

"Things turns darker here." Not sure if I understand that.

Well, uh, this was... Strange. Can't say I'm a fan, but I can see it appealing to a few people. There were a lot of questionable choices here, especially with the writing, tonnes of instances where I was just left there scrunching my brow. A few other strange choices with the story as well, not entirely sure what to write really. The entry's definitely got something special about it, but it's not my thing.

Some really great imagery in here.  Lesbian sex?  Uh, ooooookay.....  :P

I think it could be streamlined a bit.  Shorten Jacob's path a touch to get to the Mirella faster.  And clarify the ending.  I personally didn't understand why she killed Jacob until I went back and scanned other reader's comments.  (Which, admittedly, has a little bit to do with the deadline of getting everything read before Friday.)  :P

Some great lines in this one.  For instance, "This is what he came for and this is
what heï¿¿s taking back with him and even death wasnï¿¿t going to
stop him."  My thoughts: just condense it into a more streamlined package (with or without the lesbian sex), and it'll work even better.

--J (W)

PS: Kora's my favorite character, here.  By far.

Nosy nipples?  Cold day in hell presumably...

Thought the portal set-up had a lot going for it and you got all the exposition out early (and by no means badly) and allowed the rest of the story to unfold.

Figures a guy wouldn’t notice a pair of freshly sawn off horn stumps on his gf’s head -- though I’m splitting hairs here...

An entertaining read, though I couldn’t quite place the tone.  The whole lesbian thing and the CABIN IN THE WOODS slug makes me think the writer was on the fence as to how seriously they wanted this to be taken.  The writing was hit and miss -- I’m guessing a last minute entry without a decent read through…

Would have liked a little more time with the characters to get a better feel for them -- the space was there to explore the idea, but again I’m not sure the intention was ever serious enough to care for it.  I enjoyed it for what it was -- you had a good time writing it, I had fun reading it -- think it could have done with a little more to make us care for the characters.

Lesbians – I’m in!

Well, it’s well written so it’s from one of the veterans – that’s good. I hope the story gets a little clearer though, some good visuals but I’m completely lost to what’s happening.

“EXT. CABIN IN THE WOODS”” Oh no, it’s gonna be one of these stories. No, I’m going to give this one the benefit of the doubt, I have confidence because of the good writing,

“It’s legs” its – no issue – did I mention I like the writing here.

I can see the dialogue might be an issue for me – it makes me stumble when reading which is a shame because you’ve put some thought into it. I’m gonna put this down on me – it’s my problem.

There’s a massive space between scenes on page 4 – don’t know if that was an extra tap of the spacebar and you never noticed?

Wait a minute… now Jacobs on a bridge – was there originally something in-between that massive space? Feels like I’ve missed a scene here.

“as she passes until she stops.” Tad awkward.

“nosy nipple.” What’s a nosy nipple? Better than a nosy neighbour I guess.

“other side.” That’s cute – I like the way you did this.

It’s becoming a bit of a heavy read now but all the nudity is a positive.

That felt rather easy for them to get together, guess we missed Miriella’s previous battle in the cave – hopefully it will be more testing to get out of this hellhole… with Lesbians – it doesn’t sound bad now I think about it.

“She pulls him into (the) woods” There have been a lot of woods around – wonder how they would survive in the fiery abyss – some special seeds or something, possible from the local garden centre.

“He scans her body up and down.” Sly dog, the horns would have been on her head – that was just an excuse.

Yeah, the writing started off really strongly but some things are becoming a little annoying now, the constant use of a period, or lack of a comma here and there – this is preference on my part for sure, but it also hurts the read. I like asides, but you have one that tests the limits – it’s just too long IMO.

“EXT. BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS” It can’t be continuous – Jacob’s already halfway across.

“Jacob lays on the brakes.” He’s running right?

“they are running for their life.” But they’re not. And I also have to ask from whom? Unless the vines are still chasing them?

The use of “she” becomes tiresome – could use her name more.

From that fantasy world to a… bungalow – talk about a change.

“sexy as shit and she knows it” Sassy – did she learn anything from the experience?

Cool, this was only 6 pages – that gives you some bonus points.

This was definitely a wild ride, but never once did I feel felt our guys were in trouble – it all seemed rather easy and I didn’t understand a lot of it. What’s with the lesbians – why was Miriella even there? In saying that, if Mariella is already a demon then maybe that’s why “they” made it easy.

Yeah, nice writing for most part although I did stumble at some points but the story fitted nicely together, especially for 6 pages so good job.

5.  Da Horns by Samuel Wayman - Would you go to the depths of hell to bring back someone you loved?

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Da Horns’ I’m expecting horns growing where they ought not to be. Let’s see…
(Format police be damned, learn how to make a proper title page. Thank you.)
Interesting opening image. Good thing you told me about the lesbians, couldn’t see that on the screen. Oh, you mean the woman is walking through a charred abysmal landscape of lesbians all over engaged in sex! Gotcha.
Kora gets the snake out of the box - then - puts it right back in. Okay.
Oh, so Jacob knows this routine of drinking the chicken’s blood. Interesting.
Chicken intestines dried out mighty fast.
This is looking pretty good, BTW. I’m pleased.
Fantastic bridge sequence.
After Jacob and Miriella reunite I’m starting wonder where did she get that convenient saw from? And BOY did she do a good job of sawing off those horns close enough to their stumps so as to be hidden by casual hair. Quite impressive.
Annnnnnnd… the film’s over.

Uh… arr… eh… This is a crude mosaic of some really good material.
The Hellish abyss is good. The bayou swamp witch and her two rules are good. The crossover bridge is great. The twist end is… potentially good. All stewed together in a katamari ball… would benefit from some round-peg-into-round-or-oval-hole workmanship.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- The title’s a little on the nose.
- Kora cuts the chicken’s throat with a worn paring knife, not her fingernail.
- Kora should open the gizzard and pour its contents into a mortar, grind that up, add other mystical effects to it.
- The rest… IDK. The fundamental premise is great, tho.

Well, no doubt this is fantasy. Wowzer. Those are some amazing visuals. Very cool story. Love the title. My fave. The end.

Not my favorite but a pretty good entry none the less. The visuals in this stand out. You can keep the lesbians, as I'll take the creature under the canoe as that was pretty creepy and cool. Same for the bat-liked winged creatures. Quite a world you've created. I like the ending, again a strong visual scene. Lots of good fantasy elements on display. Not a fan of the title, but it'll do, pig. Nice work for one week.

Too bad I already submitted my list - this would definitely be a consider for me.

I liked Kora of course and the images are fantastic. I really liked the horns story and the way you told it - very believable.

But I think you should show us how he came up with the decision to stick with her. Kora told him not to take her but he did. I know it's love - but there should be something in the middle. I think we should see his struggle otherwise there's no story for me here. Maybe when you're free of dialog restriction you can amend this thing.
Otherwise it's Kora I'm drawn to and her story not your main characters and it should be this way.

Excellent job, Dena. You got 1 of my votes, and as you know, I didn't know this was yours.

I do know you told me you threw this together at the last minute and if that's really true, you deserve even more Kudos, as the writing, for the most part, was pretty damn good.

I agree, Jeff.  I really liked this one too.

I didn't read all of them, but of the ones I read, this one was my favorite. I loved the writing style. brought me along on the ride. Some things can definitely be made better, like Kora's dialogue and some refining of the plot so no one is left confused, but for a one week job, this one got my vote even though I wasn't allowed to vote.  8)

Yep well done Dena. My only Recommend. A script almost ready to go. I enjoyed the storytelling of this one. You have a natural writer's voice.

Oh Dena, Dena, Dena...you are truly awesome. :)

Wow you guys are too nice...and yes...I decided to write it Friday night at 6:45 so it was down to the wire and partly why I decided to write something on the short side of the contest parameters. What matters is that I had true fun writing this even though the time running out on me was a bit stressful but he script was fun. The only other fun script I've ever written was a short about aliens and a storm and a hotel :) Extraterrorestrial. It's good when you can really enjoy sitting down and writing..not worrying about budget or anything.

Means a lot that you guys liked it. Thank you for the reads. If I missed yours please pm me and I'll surely get to reading...I ran out of time with my job and family issues to get to them all! :)

I honestly don't know how this didn't place, as it seems many loved it and voted for it.

No offense to any of the actual "winners", but there are obviously a few that were nowhere near the quality of this one.

I don't get it, but obviously, that's no surprise to most here.  You get me?   ;D ;D ;D ;D