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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  October 2014 One Week Challenge  /  Mr. Nasty And The Dancing Angels - OWC
Posted by: Don, October 28th, 2014, 5:47pm
Mr. Nasty And The Dancing Angels by ? - Short, Horror - Some holidays are more difficult than others - especially when taking a trip with Mr. Nasty (R ) - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: irish eyes, October 28th, 2014, 8:51pm; Reply: 1
This is my favorite so far... it just so happens to be the only one I've read :D

As I haven't entered myself, I'm trying to stay up with the parameters for this OWC.  I guess you covered the single dialogue as you used the answering machine in the action.

I thought your story was based around a heroin addict or pill popper "Grace" and she was going cold turkey... kind of Mark Renton " Trainspotting" style, who lost it after her marriage fell apart..

Mr Nasty it seems is from the underworld jumping from balcony to balcony to tempt the depressed :D

It is very well written, plent of horror,  storywise is pretty good and fast paced.

good job

Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, October 28th, 2014, 9:04pm; Reply: 2
I would have liked the script start out in the LOUNGEROOM and we could see Grace through the sliding door on the balcony or something like that. Why? Because you started with an EXT and went INT without the change. When we go LATER I had no idea where the character was. And how much later for that matter. In addition, there's no real reason for her to be out here in the first place. Here's something for you lose that, and combine the LATEr and the LOUNGEROOM, Grace pacing. Did you really lose anything?

Quoted Text
Turns the TV on, flips through channels. Ads for Halloween -
pumpkins, witches, ghouls, and a marathon horror feature -
trailers of ‘Frankenstein And The Wolfman’‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’,‘The Exorcist’.

Turns the TV on, flips through channels. Ads for Halloween. <---all you need. Just yesterday I mentioned this as a problem with my spec  horror  writer scribes, where they feel compelled to stop the script and go "Gore Geek" by namedropping horror films and/or icons. I'm a gore Geek too- and it bores the Boogens outta me. Here it is also oversecription.

Quoted Text
Hi, SARAH and AIDEN can’t come to the phone right now, please
leave a message at the beep ... BEEP...

In a rewrite, I'm sure you'll have AIDEN speaking here, it is a recorded message. The message itself doesn't sound annoying, but it is written incorrectly. It should be written like dialog. But, you say, the OWC said only one character can have dialog. That's right. So doing it this way is not only awkward, it also vetos a requested restriction. No candy caramel apples for you.,  :'(  (again, don't sweat it--you can fix it up later)

Quoted Text
Grace upturns a shopping bag and bottles of pills tumble out
onto the bench - a veritable cocktail for the ailing and
miserable -Zoloft, Abilify. Xyprexa, Valium and Zanax.
She stacks them neatly alongside bottles of liquor and a
carton of cigarettes.

I stand corrected. There's plenty of candy caramel apples to go around... ;D
But let's try that again...

Grace upturns a shopping bag and bottles of pills tumble out
onto the bench - a veritable cocktail for the ailing and
miserable -Zoloft, Abilify. Xyprexa, Valium and Zanax.

She stacks them neatly alongside bottles of liquor and a
carton of cigarettes.

I can see the director now, doing a quick shot of every med bottle on the bench that rolls and stops just perfectly for the camera so we can see what she's on. All you need to show us was the pills, cigs and the whiskey. .

Quoted Text
Sorry, no candy from me, guys.

;D  ;D

Love that line for obvious reasons. Keep it at all costs.

Quoted Text
Night's fallen
will take care of that. Also, the KITCHEN is an INTERIOR.
No reason againfor the balcony, but at least Grace watches the full moon, so I guess it's something. Well, not really. There's a BIG continuity error here. The KITCHEN is supposed to be "CONTINOUS" which means it happens a second or two after the previos scene. Grace is waiting for the meal to heat up. Why then, after letting the food heat up does she 'sapes the remains' into the garbage disposal? It isn't CONTINOUS.

Pop                Pop                  Pop

and I'm out.


Posted by: c m hall, October 28th, 2014, 9:23pm; Reply: 3

Very well written, the action unfolds quickly and keeps going.  

IMHO, except for the dancing angels there's not much visually that's new, even an unwelcome guest loutishly sporting underwear on his head isn't new... my first thought is that the natural home for this tale is a short story, almost exactly as you have written it.  I think, as written, you get every bit of emotion you can out of the events.  Filmed it might be just another detox gone bad.  

The dancing angels, marvels that they are  (even in print form they are very nearly audible and tangible) -- could be stars on the silver screen... whereas Grace is not so memorable.  Unless she gets more dialogue, and maybe a dance sequence and wings.  Nah, save time, just get this published as a short story.  Excellent work.
Posted by: Dustin, October 29th, 2014, 2:17am; Reply: 4

The pills appear to have doubled in size and they’ve acquired
angel wings, smiley faces, and halos.

I'm honestly not surprised with the amount of meds she's on.


When you go out to the woods today, you’re sure of a big
surprise, If you go out in the woods today, you’d better go
in disguise...

A melody of falsetto singing voices accompanies their dance:

That's dialogue. Other characters singing is dialogue. It's even fairly expositional.


Suddenly all of the pills, as if pulled by a magnetic force,
are sucked into the sink. They rattle and ricochet around the
steel bowl then disappear into the chute.


This almost had me snorting coffee. Typical junkie response. I'm not sure this is supposed to be funny?


Grace gasps, retracts her head.

What the...?

Grace, you're on drugs. Go take a lie down and it'll all be back to normal in the morning.


Pill-sludge covers the skin up to her elbow.

Lick it off, Grace!


She scrapes the dregs back into one of the bottles.

Puts her hand back in, desperate to salvage more...

Close enough.

I can't do anymore of this. It's basically a junkie's bad trip and it's not even that bad with dancing pills. That's what most junkies would call a good trip.
Posted by: Stumpzian, October 29th, 2014, 7:36am; Reply: 5

Ahhh...thank you, writer: A script I read twice because I wanted to, just for the pleasure of it.

Accomplished, literate, funny.

Whatever dust mites others may find, the endearing Mr. Nasty blinds me to them.
Posted by: Gum, October 29th, 2014, 10:30am; Reply: 6
Oh man, this was a trippy ride!

Glad to see someone dug into the ideology of ‘IT’ (Joker, Imp, Little Horn, and now… Mr. Nasty), the relentless trickster that moves in and about society, unhinged, unnoticed, yet responsible for oh so many aspects of the absurd suffering. Somehow… I think this domain belongs to Mr. Nasty, how else can one explain away most of what doesn't make sense. Well... in this case it's narcotics.

Heard about IT riding through society on the back of a pale Darkling Thrush, apparently It just needed to be dismounted and put in its place, that’s all. It won’t remain long in its confinement however, It never does. Actually, I think It revels in being confined but for a moment to bask in the shadows. Oxymoronic, yes, but so is It.

The final reveal that, this clinical, minimalistic environment was Grace’s illusion is awesome; I did not see that coming!

Anyways, apparently Mr. Nasty found a way out of the dumpster… clever little bugger, where will It go next?

A fun and clever script, I loved the psychosis involved…
Posted by: Don, October 29th, 2014, 9:26pm; Reply: 7

Opening visuals gave me a hardon. Like the 'dark' to 'light' change to the loungeroom.

I liked this.  More of a morality tale set during Halloween.  Still, a solid basic horror story.  I liked the ending with Mr. Nasty popping up again to torment another soul.

- Don

Posted by: marnieml, October 30th, 2014, 8:57pm; Reply: 8
Whoa. That was quite a trip. I liked the first two pages a lot. The way you set up Grace and her surroundings. The rest was good, just real trippy.

I really liked some of the visuals and think a director would have a blast with this.

Nice work here! I really liked it.
Posted by: denamckinnon (Guest), October 30th, 2014, 9:43pm; Reply: 9
Catchy title :) like the logline...

Wow what a creepy little trip of a story. I enjoyed reading this!I think the descriptions were very visual ...can tell this is the work of a seasoned writer in here.

Very very good work...can't really think of anything that would have made this better to be honest. Good stuff!
Posted by: oJOHNNYoNUTSo, October 30th, 2014, 10:27pm; Reply: 10
I've got a few more reads left, so I can say that this is a lock for my favorite. Right up my alley. Writing is awesome, great showmanship of the craft, can't wait to see who wrote it. There are a few areas to improve, yet the genius lunacy of the author's vision cannot be denied. This was impressive.

I will say this feels more feature bound, it aligns itself with Kauffman-type material. Excellent work!
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, October 31st, 2014, 4:50am; Reply: 11
Title - wacky one, quite like it. Doesn't smack normal horror, to me, but let's see...

Not sure I needed all the drug names, only one is known to special friend...ahem...

Isn't the singing communication, etc

Would you really lurch after a green monster with veins and dangling eyes? I wouldn't....well not anymore :-)

Halloween is a tad weak, and the portal or other world opening so inhabitants can both ways is also missing, within reason.

But...I like the drug angle. The demon, the monster etc is not a devil but related to the drugs.

The husband part, I suppose gives clarity in how she's feeling, but for most of the scene doesn't seem to be relevant.

What to make of Mr Nasty. First off the name. Yeah, I could go with that even though it belittles the creature, but it conveys a mocking which feels right. The fact that you try and destroy him but he retruns, a parallel with drug addiction. Like that.

If I were writing this I would take more of a parallel with the drug addiction phases. Start with Denial, the. The ability to control, make it a friend that doesn't work out etc

I think this has decent potential.
Posted by: khamanna, October 31st, 2014, 6:56am; Reply: 12
The title is Mr. Nasty but the guy appears as late as on p8. I don't know...

So, the story is about drug abuse - Gracie must overcome her urge I guess. I thought it was about Gracie and her pills - thought she had a mental illness of some kind. Then it switched direction for me - you mention Aiden, they were married apparently and Aiden left her.
Then it started being about drug abuse. Mr. Nasty wants to inject himself...

A lot of direction switching.

I liked the dancing pills. But they appear only once - I say either make it a musical with stuff dancing - go Full Monty, or drop the dancing pills altogether.

Not something for me
Posted by: Dustin, October 31st, 2014, 7:34am; Reply: 13

Quoted from Don

Opening visuals gave me a hardon.

Who needs porn when you have dancing pills?
Posted by: Kyle, October 31st, 2014, 2:17pm; Reply: 14
Very unique. The story seemed to move at a fast pace but felt like it took forever to get through. But that's probably due to lack of sleep and not the writers fault.

I liked a lot of the elements here. The little monster dude jacking up and dancing pills were definitely the highlights for me.
Posted by: Dreamscale, October 31st, 2014, 2:54pm; Reply: 15
Another writer who can't open a sentence properly and continuously omits the first word - the subject.  I don't get it and never will, but I'll always bring it up because it really irks me.

Writing is awkward throughout, missing commas, sloppy contractions, passages not broken up well...

Just not working for me.  By Page 4 I'm really struggling here and have decided this one's not for me.
Posted by: Forgive, October 31st, 2014, 3:24pm; Reply: 16
Right - got some time to read some. Got out of this one pretty quick, but then I read all the glowing reviews and decided to give it a nother go - read a page further second time round and I really don't see a story developing nor where it's going.
Posted by: Last Fountain, October 31st, 2014, 9:01pm; Reply: 17
The best interpretation of the OWC thus far… if you pop some pills.

Uneven tone. Good set-up quickly devolves into pisser territory. Too goofy for me, and I like goofy. Some good creatures and gore though.      

Ominous opening with the crow. Good use of silence. When Grace talks to her mom and something scurries by maybe she could say “cockroaches” or something more logical, especially if she’s trying to earn her mom’s trust that she is recovered from mental illness of some kind. I’d relay THAT information to us in another way. Or save it for later. Maybe she pops a pill before she calls her mom. Since she is expecting an anxious conversation or something.

Itchy scabs. Yeck. That worked for me. Dunno why. But that sort of stuff always makes me squirm. I guess it’s relatable horror, as I think we’ve all had an itchy scab before. I kinda expect her to keep scratching and go too deep – allowing for some nasty blood and gore.

I liked that magazine bit where she spies a model then calls Aiden and tells him to fuck off. Made me laugh there. Didn’t expect that, I guess. I like how you hint at the backstory with the photo too. Now I put together the model photo and put the 2 together. that joke is even better now.

Hmm. The strange pouch appearing. Intriguing. The pills dancing in the air stuff is definitely trippy. Surreal. It would have to be filmed right to affect me though. Almost too strange, verging into silly. Nice let’s approach the garbage disposal scene. Effective. Even if I’ve seen it more than a few times before.

Wow that’s a severe wound. How long before she passes out? Toilet monster might be hard to take serious too. Depends on how it looks. I could use some more creature details to help with that. Right now, though, I’m thinking of GHOULIES. Um, look it up (?)

Okay. You got me. So despite the serious issues relayed in the opening, this is a comedy. The thong tiara helped solidify that impression. Mr. Nasty is greatly detailed. Thanks for thinking up those details. I’d consider this approach for other creatures too. I’m not sure I like the talk to herself bit “is this all in my head”.  Maybe silence is better or another question, like “Am I dreaming?” or comedic “Which pill did I take?”  Looks like Mr Nasty has a high tolerance. He’s pretty active for just shooting heroine. And grace is pretty active with that wound draining her of blood. Wait a sec. What am I talking about? This is ridiculous nonsense, right. Hahah. So who cares… What she has a smoke and hangs out – with that severed arm. Is this a spoof pisser? Okay, I guess she was dead, and this was all in her head. I’m not going to think on it any more.

Some good laughs, but the silly shit gets cranked to 11. Too much for me.       *   (of 5)
Posted by: Last Fountain, October 31st, 2014, 9:12pm; Reply: 18

So I just finished reading reviews. I feel like I missed out my turn during the puff puff pass.

Maybe there is some favoritism going on and some of you know who wrote this. I hope not. My other theory? An experiment is being conducted. A few folks write glowing reviews on a joke script, to see if other reviewers will copy them or feel obliged. I doubt it. I'm just sayin.... my turn was skipped so I'm playing puff puff catch up.

That said, everyone enjoys something different. Most of my favorite movies split the audience like this one here.

If this is serious, I hope the writer understands my jesting. Um... sorry?
Posted by: oJOHNNYoNUTSo, October 31st, 2014, 9:33pm; Reply: 19
I'd like to say that the stuff we read on the page, and what we see on the screen can be lost in translation. I have no idea who wrote this. If this is a pisser, which I'm confident it's not the case, then I'm gonna start taking pisstakes more seriously.

It's a really difficult task to take an author's vision and mold it into our brains. This short molded itself with ease for me! But then again, I enjoy this kinda stuff.
Posted by: Last Fountain, October 31st, 2014, 9:55pm; Reply: 20
Well said, Johnny.  
Posted by: oJOHNNYoNUTSo, October 31st, 2014, 10:08pm; Reply: 21
I couldn't live with myself if I took a pisser to the voting booth. ;D
Posted by: Dustin, November 1st, 2014, 1:58am; Reply: 22
It was too cartoony for me. The dancing pills took me right into cartoon land. Drugs don't work like that. I wish they did... but they don't. I've taken enough LSD (amongst other stuff) in the past to know that that kind of thing doesn't actually happen.

This needs to be tackled more subtly if it is to be taken seriously, IMO.
Posted by: Scar Tissue Films, November 1st, 2014, 3:54am; Reply: 23
This is a strange one.

It opens brilliantly. The writing is so controlled, the mood and backstory are set well. I could really feel how Grace was struggling with her circumstances and her hold on reality.

The pill bottles were a shock. Very hard to read that and keep taking the story seriously. The images the writing conjures to mind just seem too far out of tone for the story.

Would it make more sense if she opened the bottles, poured them into her hands and then the pills started doing something more "scary". Small mouths opening, then biting her...something surreal but not so over the top?

However once I just swallowed it, I was taken back into the world.

"Something shoots up and bounces". Need to describe it more. If we see it bounce, we get some idea of the size, shape and colour at least.

Hmmm. The story plummeted downhill at a rate of knots for me when Mr Nasty showed up.

The cartoony approach didn't really mesh with such a serious subject IMO. the script was at its best with the realistic tone at the beginning.

Good effort. Didn't quite work. I like the idea of a supernatural nasty that creates suffering, think it needs to be more subtle than the handling here, however.
Posted by: Scar Tissue Films, November 1st, 2014, 4:11am; Reply: 24

Quoted from Dustin
It was too cartoony for me. The dancing pills took me right into cartoon land. Drugs don't work like that. I wish they did... but they don't. I've taken enough LSD (amongst other stuff) in the past to know that that kind of thing doesn't actually happen.

This needs to be tackled more subtly if it is to be taken seriously, IMO.

It's not really the pills making her hallucinate. She's psychotic...she takes the pills to keep her sane.

That's what I took from it, anyway.

Posted by: Dustin, November 1st, 2014, 4:36am; Reply: 25

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films

It's not really the pills making her hallucinate. She's psychotic...she takes the pills to keep her sane.

I disagree. A side effect of anti-psychotics can be psychosis. Pills don't keep anyone sane.... they merely exacerbate... which is the plan, of course. There's no profit in curing people.
Posted by: LC, November 1st, 2014, 11:11pm; Reply: 26
Points for writing something 'out there'. I'm in the 'for' camp on this one - really enjoyed it. Writing's too straight i.e., not enough nods and winks to the audience for it to be a pisstake imh.

Some things could do with a revamp, but overall I like this a lot.

Posted by: KPM, November 2nd, 2014, 12:46am; Reply: 27
An amazing imagination on display here! Mr. Nasty is one colorful, nasty dude. Once he showed it, this story seemed to really take off.
While the setup provides good backstory, it may go on just a tad too long. That quick glimpse Grace gets, apparently, is him. But, there's no description of what she sees, so there's no idea what's coming.
As cute as the mental images are of those pills with "angel wings, smiley faces, and halos....(dancing) along the counter-top," Mr. Nasty may be the heart -- or jugular -- of the horror here. Perhaps streamline and introduce Mr. Nasty earlier, and believe this one's a blockbuster!
Posted by: wonkavite (Guest), November 3rd, 2014, 9:20pm; Reply: 28
Oh BOY, we just went down the rabbit-hole with this one!  Actually - although I wouldn't say it fits the challenge criteria - I think it has a certain amount of charm.  (I know, that seems a little strange to say, given the absolute wierdness of this one.)  I DO think this one deserves to be polished and enhanced on its own merits (as opposed to an OWC submission.)  As a bizarre anti-drug piece, it's pretty neat.  Personally?  If it were me, I'd shorten it a few pages, and have the ending be far more ambiguous...  leaving doubt as to whether Mr. Nasty were real or not.  (Like perhaps have a chuckle occur in the sink of the abandonned apt - something like that.)


Posted by: CoopBazinga, November 5th, 2014, 6:34am; Reply: 29
I think I must be floating – the writing is really good but the story is amiss and I’m not really getting into this one – half way through and nothing has really happened.

Oh there, Mr. Nasty – I remember that from the title but actually forgot all about him, or what this story was supposed to be about to be honest.

You change Mr. Nasty from it to him, and then back to it which is confusing when reading.

The writing is good overall, some little issues that are easily solved and it could be tightened, especially in the last few pages – found myself rereading sections but that could just be me.

But the story is just not for me I’m afraid – I really drifted in and out of this one and by the end, I don’t know if I would even consider this a story. Felt more like a scene from Gremlins or Critters but the main characters high instead of being a nerdy kid. Not for me I’m afraid, but kudos on the imagination here.
Posted by: dbm, November 5th, 2014, 4:54pm; Reply: 30
OK, interesting title...

She doesn't try to clean the carpet? Lazy? Doesn't care?

What's the time on the clock? Why not specify = has to be *some* time, right?

Isn't the answering machine dialog?

Aiden by her side. -- shouldn't that be AIDEN, with a description?

"The microwave oven pings." -- didn't she put her food in like 15 minutes ago?

"A melody of falsetto singing voices accompanies their dance" - ok that's definitely dialog.

So writing is good, but I'm tiring of Mr. Nasty. Without context, or any new developments, it's just a chase.

I was expecting some twist at the end, but if Mr. Nasty is real, after she died, I don't get it. She imagined her nice apartment?

Overall, I enjoyed it, needs some clarification though.
Posted by: stevemiles, November 5th, 2014, 8:40pm; Reply: 31
A unique take on the challenge -- by no means a bad thing.  I think this lent more towards the fantasy than the horror, though the waste disposal was memorable.  I don’t know where the portal came into it.  Implied by the sunset perhaps, but barely.  Singing pills?  Isn’t that dialogue?

Couldn’t quite reconcile the discovery of Grace’s body with what had come before.  It seemed like she had beaten Mr. Nasty -- which I assumed was a metaphor for her addiction?  Confidently written, I just wish I could have come away from this with a better understanding of how Grace met her death.  Feel like I missed something.  
Posted by: RayW, November 6th, 2014, 6:07pm; Reply: 32
22.  Mr. Nasty And The Dancing Angels by ? - Some holidays are more difficult than others - especially when taking a trip with Mr. Nasty.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Mr. Nasty And The Dancing Angels’ I’m expecting something whimsical that something filmed in stop motion animation or some Cirque du Soleil-esque performance would optimize its presentation.
Fair enough beginning, but no stop motion animation nor Cirque to be found. Waaahh… !
Takes a tedious bit to get to the entertaining angel-winged pills scene - which is nice, BTW. The flying pills that is, not the tedious set-up to get there.
Pretty creepy & threatening pill hallucinaion scene at the garbage disposal. Nice.
Nice amputation.
Nice intro of Mr. Nasty, although slightly underwhelming.
Nice enough battle.
Ah… all the glamorous life within the mind of a chemical abuser. Nice.
Good story. Thank you.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Execution of this brought to film would be critical. The real world elements are harsh and practical, while the obviously disturbing parts have a strong element of whimsy to them. Getting the two to geehaw together without causing derisive incongruity will be a trick. Honestly, there’s not much need to muddle with the fundamental story here.
Posted by: LC, November 16th, 2014, 11:03pm; Reply: 33
A belated thanks to those who reviewed Mr Nasty.

He was inspired in part by these guys but he is one of a kind - true evil but with a sense of humour/mischievousness - hence the main character's g-string/thong wrapped around his head in one scene.

Though I acknowledge a few changes could be made, I was really pleased with the overwhelmingly (for the most part  ;D) positive reviews Mr Nasty received. Thanks to those who read and reviewed and for your suggestions.

A very enjoyable OWC.

Posted by: Dustin, November 17th, 2014, 2:50am; Reply: 34
Surprised I didn't like this one. I liked one of your shorts before that wasn't my genre. Horror is one of my genres. Hmmm. Sorry, mate.
Posted by: LC, November 18th, 2014, 6:13am; Reply: 35

Quoted from Dustin
Surprised I didn't like this one. I liked one of your shorts before that wasn't my genre. Horror is one of my genres. Hmmm. Sorry, mate.

No problem, Dustin. Tis the nature of what we do that we're not going to please all of the people all of the time.
Posted by: rc1107, January 7th, 2015, 8:34am; Reply: 36

I figured out this was for an OWC on the first page.  The title page, that is.  (The no-name author gave that away.)

That being said, I decided not to go back and see what the challenge was to see if I could figure it out in your story.  I couldn't, (definitely couldn't), which I think is a very good thing.  Too often writers get caught up in the parameters of the challenge and they go out of their way to make sure it fits perfectly, which results in an often boring, tedious, and predictable story.

I think you know that I'd love the first five pages.  You were able to create heavy drama and great images by using only one person in a room to convey the story across.  Just the type of story I love.

And I think you know that I'd love the immediate gore that ensued, (her hand caught in the garbage disposal.)  And I did.  You were very descriptive in those parts, and great nauseating descriptions make for great horror.

One thing I didn't like about the story though were the fantasy aspects of it, like the singing pills and really even Mr. Nasty himself I didn't care for.  But that's just me.  :-)  I'm not a very whimsical-type person, so I sort of just shrugged the pills aside inside my mind when they started singing.  I know others are and I'm glad to see they enjoyed it, because even the fantasy-aspect of the script is extremely well written and described.

As for Mr. Nasty himself, I'm kind of angry with you right now because you missed an excellent chance for an extraordinary image.  Here you have a fantasy story and a figure with transparent skin shooting up heroin.  How could you not show the heroin going through his veins, maybe even turning it different colors or even start to bubble as the heroin travels through him?

But mainly what I didn't like about the aspects of Mr. Nasty and the Dancing Pill Angels was that they were just a little too cartoonish for my tastes, especially with the panties on his head and all.  But like I said there are others who love those images.

And definitely don't let it negate the fact that I did enjoy the rest of the story, especially the writing.  You painted a clear picture the whole way through, which shows you put a lot of thought and hard work into the story.  Excellent job as always!

- Mark
Posted by: LC, January 9th, 2015, 1:01am; Reply: 37
Thanks for giving this a critique, Mark - much appreciated.

The fantasy element was a prerequisite for this challenge along with horror so something of a fantastical nature was called for. Some people liked it and some didn't. I actually think Rick's idea re the dispensing (excuse the pun)of the dancing pills/angels is a good one - for them actually coming to life, I mean - that said I hold firm to the idea in general cause it's how I pictured it in my head. I think on film the gritty realism thrown together with animation would mesh quite well. I'd really love to see someone who knew what they were doing (animation wise) tackle it. If you think of one of those awful pharma ads with the dancing capsules with smiley faces singing with falsetto voices that was my inspiration.

It's meant to be surreal and meant also to reflect her unstable condition - it may/may not be a product of her psychosis or drug taking or both and there's a supernatural element as well.

As for you not being fond of Mr Nasty - that's the idea I suppose. He's not a likeable character - a kind of sheep in wolf's clothing/evil menace disguised in a comical fashion so I'm glad you weren't overenamoured. The g-string on his head, the cartoonish element is exactly what I was going for so in a way I appreciate your antipathy for him.

You're right of course re the minimal description following Mr Nasty's injection of heroin but I'll put that down to trying to cram it all in with the restriction of page count.

Thanks for giving this a read Mark and thank you for the complimentary remarks regarding the writing.  Some things obviously worked for you and I'm chuffed you liked the quiet opening and the nausea inducing gore.  ;D
Posted by: Mr.Z, April 2nd, 2015, 2:52pm; Reply: 38
Trippy! I like trippy. And creepy. Pretty straightforward tale about a woman struggling with her sanity. Seems like you achieved exactly what you set out to do, so kudos on that.

Just one suggestion. During the intro she's kind of "bored" with nothing important to do. She's just hanging and the point of the early scenes is to have creepy stuff happen to slowly set up the craziness that's coming soon. That's cool. But I would have liked the story better if she had an initial goal, even something simple like cleaning her apartment, or making dinner or looking for her lost pills or whatever, so the supernatural/creepy occurrences start interfering with that particular task she wants to accomplish. So then you have a throughline; instead of just hanging around, she's trying to accomplish that task which keeps getting more and more difficult as weirder and weirder shit starts to happen. IMHO, that would have given the story a bit more of initial direction.

Anyway, good job. Hope you find this useful.
Posted by: Cmantics, May 13th, 2015, 6:08am; Reply: 39

I read this on the bus going home - let alone the noisy bus, your story took me on quite a journey.  :) This sort of story is not my usual genre of reading, but I enjoyed it because it picked up quickly and gathered a nice pace right till the end.

I also liked that, unless I missed something, it was not intentionally clear if it was meant to happen (i.e. as a horror story) or Grace was just spinning out in her own head. Very descriptive and visual. The only thing I would've liked was, somewhere, a little more dialogue. But I think the story would work well being shot for TV or a short film.


Posted by: LC, May 13th, 2015, 8:41am; Reply: 40
Julian, thanks so much for the read and review and I'm glad I could assist with your bus journey home - if anyone was reading over your shoulder they might have thought your reading material a little suss, perhaps.  ;D

Re your comment on dialogue and you wanting more - this was an OWC (one week challenge) and one of the restrictions was with dialogue of one character only. And you're pretty spot on with your theory of what's happening i.e., is it in her head, or is it real? Thanks again for your comments. I hope we see something else from you soon.

Ooh, and Mr Z, thank you for your comments too. Must have slipped by me. 'Trippy' was indeed the objective with this so I'm glad it had the desired effect. You offer some good suggestions regarding ramping up the creep factor too  - it could probably do with a few more visual and audio scares in the opening, but I didn't want to go over the top.
Posted by: Cmantics, May 14th, 2015, 5:50am; Reply: 41
[quote=LC]Julian, thanks so much for the read and review and I'm glad I could assist with your bus journey home - if anyone was reading over your shoulder they might have thought your reading material a little suss, perhaps.  ;D

Re your comment on dialogue and you wanting more - this was an OWC (one week challenge) and one of the restrictions was with dialogue of one character only. And you're pretty spot on with your theory of what's happening i.e., is it in her head, or is it real? Thanks again for your comments. I hope we see something else from you soon. [quote]

No worries. :) Usually I'm discreet if in public with someone else's work! Just from a copyright aspect  :) Look forward to checking out some more of your work, too. And I'm hoping to re-post my 'I can see a hair' after I edit it. Happy writing.

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