Love and Horror by Josh Park - Series, Romantic Comedy - A horror filmmaker, assigned to make a romantic movie, must do all he can to understand what a real relationship looks like. 31 pages - pdf, format 8)

Apparently I forgot the logline when submitting this, so I'll just list it right here:

When a horror filmmaker is assigned to make a romantic movie, he must do all he can to understand what a real relationship looks like.

Some decent stuff here, some of your little scenarios and interactions, if not overly original, were at least written in the tone that (I think) you were going for. So it does seem like you know what you're looking for with this.

You move us along at a decent pace, and it was never unreadably boring. The high points for me were actually when you were saying less. Some of the little one-line interactions between the characters were funny and quite realistic.

That said, where you fall down, IMHO, is when you start telling us too much. A lot of the dialogue is basically just telling us the plot, and letting us in on character info that we shouldn't be told about, but which we should see. The producer's assistant describing his boss at the start is an example of this. You did try to make it funny enough that we wouldn't notice, but it's hard to hide stuff like that.

Staying on this first producer interaction, you also make a habit of starting scenes at the start. Know what I mean? You have George walk into the producer's office and we have to sit through all the "So and so said you wanted to see me?" "Yes, come in. Congratulations..." etc etc. If you had just dropped us right in to the middle of that scene you wouldn't need to go through all that. And, that means you could have started that scene on something that SHOWS us this producer in all of his fearsome glory, instead of having his assistant TELL us about it earlier.

The portrayal of the George-Carla thing didn't do much for me, but let's face it, we all struggle to write that kinda stuff. Well, I do anyway.

That's just a brief overiew of a couple of the main sticking points I had while reading this. I hope I've been somewhat helpful.

But overall you do seem to be going in the right direction. I wouldn't have bothered commenting if there wasn't something in the script that appealed to me. I liked your little portrayals of the cynical world of hollywood, you seem to be a natural when it comes to that stuff.

Greg

good job, liked the script

Thanks Greg and Ugo!

I have to say, that's some really good stuff you've laid out here, Greg. I finally kind of understand one pacing issue I've been having with dialogue scenes, and I realize it's probably due to the "starting scenes at the start" nonsense. I have been having trouble with too-expository dialogue, like you said, and although I don't have a really concrete grasp of what to do to fix it, I'm going to try my hardest to fix that. Also, I can totally understand when you say

Quoted Text The portrayal of the George-Carla thing didn't do much for me, but let's face it, we all struggle to write that kinda stuff. Well, I do anyway.

Because romance is a new endeavor for me, I did flounder with the interactions of these two characters. Thanks for this, Greg.

And I'm glad you enjoyed the script, Ugo. I've seen you around a lot around here recently and I hope you get some great feedback!

Quoted Text A horror filmmaker, assigned to make a romantic movie, must do all he can to understand what a real relationship looks like.

Just snipped a few words away.

I've seen you active on the boards... and you're young, so I'd like to help if I can. Even though I cannot usually stand rom coms. I could never write one.

I can't cut n paste... the text is going crazy. FFS!

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As you can see. I'll have to come back to this.

Mate, can you let me know what software you're using to write the script. I've just tried with somebody else's script and it works fine. Downloaded yours again and I get the same thing.

Oh God, that is not good. I used WriterDuet Pro, which is my main screenwriting software as of now. I'll try and figure out what's wrong, the founder and developer of the program has often contacted me about issues like this so I'll email him again. Thanks Dustin, for your patience!

It'll most likely be a compatibility issue and most likely happens when the script is converted to .pdf

I use Ubuntu 14.04 so that will be part of the issue too. Most developers will concentrate on Windows and Mac OS.

Quoted from Josh I used WriterDuet Pro, which is my main screenwriting software as of now.

I like the look of it when you convert it to PDF.  Are you using the free or pro version?

dead, I'm using the Pro version, but I assume it'll be the same when exporting with the free version.

And Dustin, the lead developer answered my email and said it had something to do with the font, so I'll switch up to a different Courier and see if that fixes it

I'm messing around with the program, and I kinda like it.  I might give it a trial run.
I never did like the way Celtx looked when you saved it to PDF.
PS.  I'll try and give your pilot a read after the New Year.

Quite liked a lot of this. You've a nice turn of phrase.

I think it'd work better if you named the Producer's Assistant - it'd give the guy a lot. It's alright using a job title for a name if the character has no lines or just a couple. When they have more it works a lot better if you give them a name.

It's also better if you stick with either a first or last name for characters after you've introduced them, in my not so humble.

I'm gonna read it again as I think I missed a few things - probably more me than the author - too much Christmassy type cheer round here. I'll have more to say once I do. Typing will also be a lot easier.

R

Hi Josh: I gave this a read.

First, I love the log line. This is a great premise for a story.

Second, you write well. I enjoyed it.

This may be a nit - but several times you mention a fake movie - "Heaven Can Wait". The problem is that "Heaven Can Wait" is a very well known real movie. I would use a different fake title.

There are a couple of story elements that I think you should consider revising:

(1) It didn't make sense to me that Pierce had to have George write the Rom-Com (i.e., as opposed to any other writer) . I would add something along the lines that George is contractually committed to Pierce (e.g., maybe Pierce already paid George for a 2 or 3 movie deal) and that Pierce is a cheap bastard. i.e., he cares less about having the correct writer for a film then he does on saving money on a film.

(2) The reason Pierce needs a Rom-Com (i.e., versus any other genre) is not flushed out sufficiently. You need to add something here. Maybe horror stories are dead. Or, maybe Pierce has a girlfriend or mistress that he is trying to impress by producing a Rom-Com or perhaps he promised that same girlfriend/mistress a leading role in a Rom-Com. Anyway - something needs to be added so we can understand why Pierce is so adamant about this.

(3) The premise is that this horror writer, forced to write a Rom-Com, is ill equipped to do so because of his lack of romantic experience. Again, I love the premise but had one hiccup - George doesn't have any problem writing horror stories even though he has never murdered anyone, etc. Why is it that he can write horror without having had personally experienced it but he can't write Romance without having experienced it? Now, I would not change the premise of your story - but IMO, you need to explain this somewhere.

(4) In the opening, you have a Romantic scene that turns to an inexplicable horror.  I love the concept here but think it is in the wrong place. I would make the opening your run of the mill horror flick and make George's first draft of the Rom-Com for Pierce something akin to what you have in the opening. There will be a lot you can play with - e.g., Pierce reads the first drat, sees the lover murdered - goes to George - WTF is this???

Anyway - well done. You have something here.

p.s., Why are you looking at a series as opposed to a feature?

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to look at this! I recently submitted a 2nd draft (which also fixed the issue with Copy and Pasting that Dustin had, hopefully).

rendevous, that's a good idea with giving the producer's assistant a name, but I was going for the affect of the guy not having much of an identity at all, letting him get pushed around and getting disrespected as much as possible by the producer, unless that didn't work at all in which case I'll change the name.

eldave, I really appreciate those suggestions. That "Heaven Can Wait" thing was a big slip-up on my part, I should have definitely IMDb'd the title at some point. Thanks for that.

I have tried fleshing out the motivations for actually having George make the film, but at this point it's more like "i've sunk a shit-ton of cash into this and the studio could go under if this isn't successful", but even then it doesn't seem so strong so I will probably go with your suggestion in my next rewrite.

I've thought about your 4th comment, and I like the idea, but I'm worried that might make George look like a complete sociopath or something. I mean, even if you despise and can't really understand romantic comedies (yours truly, part of the reason I took this on in the first place) it seems like just ending a scene like that in a non-ironic rom-com would be a dumb thing to do, especially when his career depends on it. I don't know, maybe I'm missing something, I'll try and have those ideas percolate for a bit longer.

Quoted Text Anyway - well done. You have something here.

That actually made my day.

And the reason I made this a series instead of a feature was to, later on, explore George's rise to becoming a top executive producer known for his shitty romantic movies. I've actually added hints to this in the next draft (which this post will hopefully get updated with), but now I'm a bit unsure as to if this could work better as a feature. Hm. Lots of uncertainty with this one.

Again, thank you to everyone that took a look! And if anyone wants a read, I'll definitely return the favor!

I thought this was awesome. I only read ten or so pages... got to the pub scene and left, nothing to do with the writing, but I had to go and do the Xmas family thing.

I think the dialogue is cool. I wouldn't shorten the producer'writer scene. I liked how it all played out. Certain scenes need to be stepped into, but this seems more funny the way it's written. I liked the impending doom of meeting the producer... thought the whole build-up and execution was funny, dead-on, and entertaining. I wouldn't cut any of it.

Good luck with this one!

Josh, I'm using the free version and I'm wondering how long it took you to write "Love and Horror" because I'm having a helluva time with the program.  It's always jumping around every time I try to write a scene, some dialogue, or whatever.  Is there an option where I can set it to not jump around like a screenwriting software on crack cocaine?  I normally use Celtx and it never does that to me.  But do you know what I'm talking about, though?  

Quoted Text ....rendevous, that's a good idea with giving the producer's assistant a name, but I was going for the affect of the guy not having much of an identity at all, letting him get pushed around and getting disrespected as much as possible by the producer, unless that didn't work at all in which case.....

You may want to go with Rendevous suggestion here - especially if it is going to be a series (i.e., won't this guy keep showing up?).

Glad the other suggestions helped - looking forward to the next episode

I'm glad you liked it, Scoob!

Dead, that's a bit strange... what exactly do you mean? I've had pretty much 0 problems with the software, but there are *a lot* of features. You might have been caught up with "typewriter mode", which basically means the screen follows the words you type, but if it's not that then I would recommend emailing the creator at guy@writerduet.com, he's super helpful and will probably give a reply in a few days at most.

Eldave, I'll definitely make that change then!

The new revision was just put up. I have made some more changes since this draft concerning the advice I've gotten here, but just wanted to inform that this was updated. Thank you!

Hi Josh. This was a breeze to read from start to finish.

It's a decent premise and I think you did it justice. All of the characters were unique and likeable in different ways and the dialogue was great throughout. I especially liked the way you set up Pierce. The conversation George and the assistant have on pages 3 and 4 say a lot about his character without him even being in the room.

A few minor notes.

I noticed you don't use DAY/NIGHT in your slugs apart from on page 4 where you use NOON. I'm not sure if it's just a personal choice but it's probably best to keep it consistent. Also just write day or night unless it's really important. We already know it's noon from the conversation beforehand so it seemed a bit pointless to specify it.

Page 3 - Think 'Crew' and 'Producer's Assistant' should be capped but might be wrong.

Page 14 – Kabob. Thought it was a spelling mistake at first but you write it again on the next page. I'm British so I'm guessing that's what we call a Kebab over here?

Page 28 – When George is texting Reed you write 'texting' in parentheticals for the first two lines and then drop it. Again, probably best to keep it consistent.

Page 28/9 – George turns his phone off and two scenes later it rings. I get that he could've just turned it back on but it didn't seem necessary him turning it off in the first place. He could've just slipped it back in his pocket instead.

Page 32 – Nice twist. It accelerates the story nicely.  

I thoroughly enjoyed this. You've set up some interesting characters, put them in interesting situations and left it at a point where the story could go in a lot of different directions.  

Best of luck with this and hope something happens with it.