The Beginning: Insomnia by David Gegia (datha) - Short, Suspense - A young man is forced to do a strange night shift job in the building where he rents an apartment.  16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Please, let me know if you want to exchange the reviews. (Shorts)

Quoted from datha Please, let me know if you want to exchange the reviews. (Shorts)

Hey datha, welcome to SS. I notice you're reasonably new.

Go to the portal and look at what's current especially with 'shorts'. Make a comment/review on a 'short' you see there or on any other script - first ten of a feature for example - and people will be happy to reciprocate.

Or, who knows some very giving SSers with time on their hands may review without exchange, but this is the way it's generally done.

Hey Datha - what LC said ;-)

But I had some time on my hands, so gave it a look.

Positives:-
- Some great description and imagery
- Nicely surreal in places, reminded me both of Twilight Zone and Hammer House of Horrror episodes (good thing).
- I'm not a formatting expert, but what you've done looks okay to me.

To work on:-
- Whilst some of the action lines/descriptive passages are great, I think there's a bit too much/too many, i'd try pare it down a little.
- The phrase 'Wonders: Did he sneak in?' doesn't really work in an action line, how is that filmed? Perhaps 'Looks quizically' or similar so it's clear the character is doing something.
- I lost the thread a couple of times and had to back track, now this might be intentional but remember that if you want someone to film this, then they'll need to be able to follow the script.

Overall, kept me reading and wondering, happy to re-read if you re-draft.

Thanks

Anthony

Hey datha

My thoughts poured on to this page:

This seems more like a tv series or a movie series. I think it'll be interesting to watch as a tv series.

I like the topic. However, the execution wasn't done properly.

Since this is the beginning how about showing the protagonist suffering from insomnia and then go to the hotel. Why does he take the hotel job? What happened btw him and his girl? Why does he stay there? Take your time to explain all of this.

A good source to watch is the American horror story.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Thanks everybody!

LC: 'I notice you're reasonably new.'

Actually, I'm not as new as it looks like:) I was pretty active here many years ago... (as active as a father of three can be)

Thank you Anthony. Let me know if you have a short that you want me to read.

Mr. Ripley: 'Since this is the beginning how about showing the protagonist suffering from insomnia and then go to the hotel.'

Which hotel? There is no hotel in my story:)

Thanks anyway:)

I prefer to exchange the reviews, since I can ask to a reviewer to comment about specific things in my screenplay (and I can do same for him)

I find this kind of exchange more useful and more productive. And, as far as I know it is not against the rules:)

If you want to see what kind of reviews I'm writing, there is an example:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-Oct12/m-1350758306/s-15/

I guess vista. Lol.

But explain why he goes there. Even why he stays there after the writer tells him all the shit that goes on. It's like some guy deciding to stay after The Shinning took place

Hi Datha... I've a recent short, 'iRobot', that you can review.

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Hi Datha... I've a recent short, 'iRobot', that you can review. Anthony

Yes, I told him that.  ;D

Thanks LC

Hi David,

I struggled to follow this. Sorry. I guessed early on this is some sort of way station or purgatory between heaven and hell maybe? You try to mask the truth for a flashback reveal later, but all this does is confuse it even more. For some reason you can get to this place via dreams or something? Sorry if that's way off but I just couldn't work out what was going on.

The descriptions are a bit too much. While such practice is good for a novel or short story, for a first draft script you don't need to be so specific so much. The first half page is establishing shots not usually included in a first draft.

Also the key is show don't tell. The script is littered with action that tells us what is going on rather than showing us. For example - "Logically, the camera should show Mike, but it shows the man instead. Realizing that, Mike startles." It's an odd way to phrase the sentence but regardless, all the audience will see is the man on the camera and Mike looking startled. If you write the action properly, the reader/audience should know the camera is not showing the expected image without any additional explanation.

I feel there is a good, dark, atmospherical and psychological story in here somewhere. It just needs some work to bring it out more clearly.

All the best,

Mark  

It's my fault. after reading all of your posts, I concluded that I did not tell the story I wanted:) Now, I think I know how to rewrite it.

Dear Mark, Anthony, LC and Mr. Ripley,

Thank you all of you for your help. I'm gonna read your shorts and do my best to help you too.

Now, what my story was about (what I wanted to show):

Mike has lost his job, his wife, his home. He moved to this old residential building and got his first nightmare that leads to insomnia: He 'wakes' up in the elevator and interacts with his neighbors, who also have the nightmares (Jerry,  girl)
Then, he wakes up and talks to the night doorman who tells him that he has nightmares that can lead to insomnia and urges him to take the pills. Mike refuses...

I wanted to show I lonely man who just gets Insomnia but refuses to admit. BTW, Mike's predecessor who jumped out was also insomniac who refused the pills (unlike Jerry and David)

That's what I wanted:) Back to work...

Thank you,
Datha

Datha,

I enjoyed reading this, and I think some of the comments, helpful though they are, have been a little bit harsh on you.

I was liking the fact that we don't know where we are, why we're there, and I think you wrote that part of it very well. Reading the opening felt like the beginning of a computer game, where we are lead through an eerie setting, being primed on the events that are to come. This is because you had Jerry talk the whole time, without introducing Mike until later. It was a good move, as it puts the reader where Mike is.

I thought the mechanics of the writing was fine, apart from a little bit of ambiguity when it came to the security monitors.

I see that you've decided to go back to work on it, so I won't expand on it any further. Overall I think you've got a grasp of how to write this stuff. The story itself wasn't completely original or anything, but your solid writing of it made it a breeze to read.

Greg

Thank you for reading Insomnia...

If you have any short you want me to read, tell me.

Thanks,
datha