Shadow Claws by Kurt Fillmore - Horror - Detective Michael Ochoa fights to stop a series of murders committed with black magic. As the investigation presses on, an unlikely suspect, a local wife and mother emerges. As Michael get's closer, his family becomes a target for the sorceress's rage.  113 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey, Kurt, buddy

OK, so, you know this already, you need a premise, even if it’s a working one. What you have is a tag line, and, you know it’s a tag line because soon as I opened to read your story, it’s under your title, haha. You’re better than that, and I can tell from you’re second page, and I’m only on page six. You’re first page, on the other hand. I was worried you were going to direct me the entire story. Last thing, I want to see is camera directions, that’s just me.

Quoted Text Close on a Woman’s fancy shoes…

Quoted Text Erin Brockovich ON THE SIDEWALK, a SKATEBOARD CA-LUNKS down the sidewalk, past the foot traffic of Southern Californians: flip-flops, Doc Marten's, Rollerblades, Nikes ... then, in the middle of this pedestrian normalcy, a pair of IMPOSSIBLY HIGH SPIKE-HEELED PUMPS struts out of a shop.  So high it hurts to look at them.  As the shoes leave frame, we TILT UP and see they're leaving a 99-cent store. As the Pumps turn and head up the street, we see they are connected to a pair of IMPOSSIBLY LONG, SHAPELY LEGS. Eveready legs -- they just keep going and going.

I know it reads “tilt up,” but what follows makes up for it. Anyway, point, you “close on,” several more times on page one, just something to consider during rewrite. I read somewhere industry folk don’t care for it, but I’m only viewing as a reader that it can be intrusive to the story, just write what you want us to see. Easier said then done. But, I kept reading and feeling better about finishing this script.  The next few pages read easy, something I always like.

P.S. Erin Brockovich is a great script to study.

BLB

Yeah, at the time I posted originally I hadn't written out a synopsis (or premise). Since then I've written both.


Shadow Claws
by Kurt Fillmore

Detective Michael Ochoa is having a very bad week. He drinks too much, his wife is probably going to divorce him, his children are growing up without him, and now, dead bodies are turning up all over town. Small time criminals, thieves, drug dealers, and drug makers, are all being knifed to death, bodies stabbed and slashed nearly beyond recognition. The perpetrators have left behind no clue, no footprint, no fingerprint, no physical evidence of any kind.

With his partner, Peter Yamaguchi, Michael digs deeper, the investigation taking a strange turn when a young wife and mother, Darcy Seward, is captured on surveillance video near one of the crime scenes. Despite Darcy's denials, it seems she's somehow involved. Michael puts the pressure on, only to find that there's more to Darcy than fund raising and Little League baseball. Her past is a mystery, years gone missing. There is a darkness within her, something her sophisticated exterior can't hide.

The bodies continue to pile up, and Michael's son Taylor is badly wounded, knifed by a supernatural creature that strikes like a wolverine. His family attacked and threatened, Michael disobeys orders and goes after Darcy himself. The pressure is on as Darcy's black magic threatens to destroy Michael's family, and possibly cost him his life.

And the log line is simple - "A police detective fights to stop a sorceress who kills her enemies with black magic."

I've recently had an agent request the full script to read - so maybe I'll finally get some progress on the writing thing.

Thanks.

Sorry about the mix up, thanks for the fix!