Vampyre by Curtis James Coffey - Horror - An old hunter unwillingly takes on a young female protege after tracking the vampire that killed his family thirty years ago to a small town. 95 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Curtis, welcome aboard.

I liked your script, but it really was a mixed bag with me.  I liked a lot of things and disliked a lot of things.  It was an OK read.  At first I was into it, then my interest started to wane, but I hung around anyway to see how things unfolded - there was just enough to keep me reading.

I thought Danielle was likeable enough.  Her curiosity made her active.  She was always trying to find out something.  I would pull back on her crying and sobbing all the time, though.  It gets too melodramatic and even feels out of character a bit.  Make her stronger.  And team her up with Charles sooner than the 50-some page mark.  That's way too late.  

Dialogue was wooden at times, really good at other times.

Charles got my sympathy, but the only thing I didn't like about him was his ineptness.  He's been hunting vampires for 30 years, but following him in this story you would never have known that.  It felt like he just started the job.  Also, I never felt like I knew what he was chasing after.  I mean, I knew he was going after a villain/vampire, but you were so vague about it until too late in the script.  I feel like you need to play up the Master Vampire a lot more in the beginning.  Maybe even give him a real name.

The flashback that we see stalls the story, I think.  I don't think it's needed.  It's followed by more crying, which we don't need any more of. haha.  If you really want to show this part, maybe put it in the beginning, but on second thought, that would ruin the cool ending you have.  I'll suggest just axing the flashback altogether.

I would maybe throw a twist or something in here at a certain point because things eventually start to get tedious.  It's the same stuff for pretty much the whole story.  You need a major shift in the plot to shake things up.  Kudos on killing off 2 main characters, though, that was unexpected, but I think you still need that major mid-point shift to liven things up.

I loved the idea of vampires taking refuge underneath the sewers.  I have never seen that before.  It's a refreshing idea.  I wish you had more time to play with that concept.  Maybe in the next draft you could bump that idea up sooner?

I loved your ending too, how the final image is exactly the same as in the beginning - except this time Danielle is the one driving Charles's truck.  So cool and badass.  I loved it so much it actually elevated the read for me.  That's not saying "Vampyre" doesn't need a lot of re-tweaking, because it does, but for what it's worth, I think you have something here if you can take the time to work on it.  Good luck and keep at it.  I'll give this a recommend even though its not a masterpiece by any means and the road was a little rocky at times, but hey, I liked it enough and I see lots of potential here.....

Quoted from dead by dawn I loved the idea of vampires taking refuge underneath the sewers.  I have never seen that before.  It's a refreshing idea.

There was a cheesy 80s movie called Vamp with Grace Jones, that one had vampires in sewers. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092147/

I think 30 Days of NIght - Dark Days (the sequel to the original) also had sewer scenes, where the vamps had a "nest".

Quoted from Dreamscale I think 30 Days of NIght - Dark Days (the sequel to the original) also had sewer scenes, where the vamps had a "nest".

I think they also had a nest in the sewer in Vamp, if I remember correctly.

It's well used in a lot of vampire films and stories. Pretty much stands to reason that about the only place they can hide is the sewer system. Not just vampires but even ordinary villains like the Penguin from Batman, for example.

I've been toying with rewriting my old short vampire story and turning it into a feature. It's not the usual vampire story and was very gruesome. I have the original story in my head after originally first writing it down almost 20 years ago. I did a lot of research into people like Erzsebet Bathory and of course good ol Vlad. I could probably get a vomit down in a couple of weeks.

To the writer: I will look at your script should you show up.

Quoted from Demento There was a cheesy 80s movie called Vamp with Grace Jones, that one had vampires in sewers. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092147/

Quoted from Dreamscale I think 30 Days of NIght - Dark Days (the sequel to the original) also had sewer scenes, where the vamps had a "nest".

Never heard of them, but regardless, despite some flaws, I liked Vampyre...hope the author shows up.

Yep, I had a quick look at the first Act too. Nicely written what I read of it. Ditto with the author showing up.

Writer here!

First, I feel like I should say that I am not new to this site - I've had several postings and even optioned some material because of this site.

I appreciate every ounce of feedback, both good and bad. As such, I would like to address a few of the things so you have at least more of an idea of where I was coming from and what I was trying to do, either successfully or unsuccessfully.

In terms of the pacing and the way the script plays out - my intention was of course to make vampires scary once again, or at least menacing. As such, I thought the best approach for that was to take it old school - Nosferatu, Salems Lot, Fright Night. Of course, I realize that isn't exactly the style of how most films are anymore, but it's what I like. That slow burn. Reading the feedback however, I probably could punch things up a bit. And I intentionally kept the Master Vampire hidden for exactly that same reason - the slow burn. I think everything is scarier when you don't know exactly what you're dealing with.

The other main thing I would like to address is the character of Danielle. I intentionally made her weak for a lot of it. For me, she needed to be vulnerable and afraid and then by the end find the strength that she needs. That was my intention for her character arc - however I probably do have her crying a bit too much.

I had a lot of grand ideas for the script. I wanted to make it about scary vampires and strong, fully developed female characters. Some of it seemed to work well, some of it didn't. I definitely plan on tooling around with it.

That's cool.  Great to hear.  And most scripts submitted by non-members are usually pretty bad, so I was surprised when this turned out to be more than competent -- but it also turns out that you're "kinda" a member, so that's a nice change of pace, I guess.  

If you have anything else you're working on, you should submit it....I'd be more than happy to read what ya got happening.

I am at work and on my phone right now so finding and posting the links would take forever, but use the search on this site:

Imaginary
Geppetto
The Witching Hour
Smash N Grab
Salem
Haven Lost
Slender Man (which has been completely retooled after some copyrights were brought to my attention)
Punisher: War Journal

I think that's all I have on here - some may be gone by now, I'm not sure.