The Conversion by Patrick King - Short, Horror - A killer is approached by two demons and offered absolution, but the offer comes at a great price. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Patrick, took a read of this so a few thoughts, just my opinion of course.

Some of the action blocks are too long, they need to be short and pithier.

Unless you are directing this I'd avoid putting direction and edit type info into the script, so avoid Cut to's and similar.

We see, we hear and those sort of things aren't needed, write the description in an active voice. E.g.
They smile warmly at Charlie and we see that their teeth are rotted, black.
could be written as
They smile warmly at Charlie through rotting black teeth, blood oozing from the gums.

Descriptions like
The hieroglyphs should be original. However, they should vaguely resemble something Egyptian or Sumerian.
don't need 'they should' in it... could be written as
The hieroglyphs look familiar, echoes of Egyptian, but darker and more twisted.

Some of the dialogue could do with an edit, some of it is just too long, needs punctuating and breaking up a little.

I liked the idea of the demons offering absolution for guilt, but the ending left me cold as I couldn't figure out why he started bleeding and dying spontaneously?

Hope that helps a little

Anthony

That does help, thanks. I'm working on breaking up the description and dialogue in my next script. I really appreciate you reading the screenplay and taking time to give me your thoughts on it!

--Pat

There's a lot of overwriting on the first page. less is more. the more white you see on the page the better.

Just put 20s. instead of 22-23 or whatever...

would this story work with only one demon? remember less is more.

page 4. cut back on the blocks of dialogue. it doesn't look professional.

"god-damn" being his response to spousal abuse a little strange. just seems like you put that in to break up the monologue.

"like fruit punch spreading over a paper towel" - i actually really like that, lol. i wish it was tomato sauce or something less fun? lol, i dunno... nice visual...

the ending completely lost me. the demon angle was unnecessary in my opinion.

Appreciate you taking the time to read the script, Jeanpierre. I'm working on breaking up the text on my next screenplay.