Bump in the Night by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - A foul mouthed drug addict decides that burglary can get him his next fix, but boy does he pick the wrong house and the wrong couple to mess with. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Anthony.

Not something I haven't seen before but quite liked it. The old man says "watch your language" - that's an excellent way to mislead your reader. I think you could add more here - let the old man be appalled at Baz, Baz being a drug addict and all.

I think you could make it even better. Maybe you could let the old couple wanting to let him go. Then their habbit and hunger takes over... or somthing.
It was good to see the other old man as the woman's dad - I quite liked it. But I do think that you could add some depth to this, otherwise it just dwells on the same old twist - little Red Riding Hood is a werewolf, a little girl is a serial killer, an old woman is a killer etc.

Hi Kamanna and thanks for the read, appreciated as always and glad you liked.

I was torn with the old man, I figured if I gave hime too much attention it would negatively impact the ending... may review this.

Thanks

Anthony

I haven't read this yet... but the logline reminds me of a short story I wrote a long time ago entitled, The Welcome Burglar. Actually, the story completely changed when I tried to turn it into a screenplay and became my first feature script, Repercussions.

Hi Dustin - hope all's well wth you... did Repercussions get made or anything?

Anthony

Anthony,

I read this last night but had no urgent criticisms to offer. Overall, it was an enjoyable little read. It seems we both have a taste for the macabre.

My only possible concerns would be:

1. The opening. Don't get me wrong, I like the mechanics of it, it's a nice little twist when it pays off at the end. I just think you could do with sprucing up the dialogue at the start. If you're anything like me then the dialogue, especially at the start of a script, will tend to be more functional than anything else, as you try and race through and get the opening set up. I think you could go back and add to it now. Make it slyly foreshadow what's to come.

2. I wonder if the mechanics of getting the fridge door open is a bit too convenient? I know that you don't have a stack of options within that situation, but I just thought I'd mention it.

That's it. Was a good read.

Thanks for the read Greg, appreciated, and yes we do seem to ave similar taste - the right ones of course ;-)

Opening, yep I hear you, my concern was utting to much emphasis on this and therefore lessening the twist end... will re-look at.

Fridge door, possibly, if it gets to filming (script was requested last night) then they'll need right height fridge and decent editing - but this seemed the most natural way of getting it opened and bening able to use it as a weapon.  

Thanks

Anthony

@Anthony.

I roamed your website, so congrats on your accomplishments so far.

This bugged me.  Alexander and Agnus.

Quoted Text AGNES, 60s, wiry and oddly excited, nods at her husband from the other single bed.

I read that whole scene twice.  Unless I've missed something -- same room.  Yet they're sleeping in separate beds.  I mean, they are husband and wife, right?  I guess the question - why?  In the grand scheme of things, to be honest, it's not important, but... just curious.

'Torch"  I assume you're talking about a flashlight, right?

There is a comic element to this - nothing made me laugh out loud, but you had a couple of good oneliners.

The ending. I was looking for a twist I wasn't expecting, but didn't get it.   Nevertheless it was a good read.

Good Luck with this, looks like it might get filmed, too.

Ghostie

Hi Ghostie

Thanks for the read, really appreciated, glad you (mostly) liked - and thanks for taking a look at the website too.

The seperate beds thing, could be a generational UK thing but some 'older' couples do this, some going further into different rooms... at least that's my understanding.

Torch, yep it is UK for flashlight, i.e. proper English ;-)

Fingers crossed re finding someone who wants to film it.

Anthony

Anthony

BAZ
Yeah, but need the paper now...
bones’re fucking aching.

- Missing the “I” before “the”

“grubby in appearance and deed,”

- I liked this phrase.

Might be no harm to specify the genders of VOICE 1 and 2 as it’s something we will be able to ascertain while watching.

“flower beds,”

- Unnecessary comma after “beds”

“nods at her husband from
the other single bed.”

- Nice visual nod to suggest all is not well between this couple…or else I’m misreading it.

Interesting dialogue which hints that they've been broken into before and are (for some  reason) welcoming it. Gets us engaged and thinking while partially explaining the “oddly excited” description of Agnes above.

However, working of this presumption, why would Alexander turn on the bedside lamp as it could scare away the intruder?

“A small light flashes around the hallway, darting here and
there like a firefly.”

- I appreciate you’re trying to convey a visual but it must be one tiny torch if it resembles a firefly. Go bigger! ;)

“Behind him is a door with a single pane of broken glass, a
few shards scattered on the floor.”

- This is the door through which he entered the house, right? If so, why are you showing it to us again? We seen it in the prior scene outside the house.

“Nothing at all in the hall, walls are bare, functional room,
but no more.”

- Ok, I’m getting the impression now that Geoff has set Baz up and led him Agnes and Alexander for their perverse pleasure of some kind...

“Agnes brings the bat round again, looks practiced, head
height.”

- Given her no-nonsense, wordless efficiency with the bat she should be the first line of defence from now on. Let complacent, motor mouth Alexander play back-up.

“Alexander sits at the kitchen table, a thick cut of steak
pressed to his head.”

- Great visual transition, funny too but it should be specified as “frozen”

Ya, I was expecting Geoff to make a re-appearance. Ok job here, if a little predictable. There wasn’t a whole lot to it other than creating a shocking revelation wrapped in a twist on the usual home invasion scenario. Which is fine I guess for something this brief.

I didn’t see the cannibal angle coming but I figured pretty early on that Agnes and Alexander weren’t your average elderly couple tackling your average desperate burglar. It was clear that the hapless Baz had been lured into a trap.

I understand you want to keep it short but I would’ve liked to have known more about Geoff. Is he connected to the drug trade in some way…at his age? I mean, how well did he know Baz? Was it a regular thing for him to just cruise around dive bars looking for addicts to lure back to his daughter’s house. Pretty random.

Plus, why didn’t he notify Agnes and Alexander that Baz was going to try to break in? They seemed surprised when first awoken. A quick text or call to give them the heads up was surely due from Geoff.

Also, if Agnes and Alexander are looking to subdue robbers they should probably invest in something a bit more effective than a couple of baseball bats. They’ve clearly got a big appetite so tool up, folks! Of course then it would be harder to create the “will he” or “won’t he” tension of Baz’s escape attempt.

Oh, and why were Agnes and Alexander sleeping in separate beds?

Col.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Hi Dustin - hope all's well wth you... did Repercussions get made or anything? Anthony

Nope. I've had a director attached, producers interested but nothing came of it in the end. I may make it myself as my first feature.

Hi Col and thanks as always for the great notes and feedback.

Seperate beds, was just meant to imply that they are an older couple who don't want to wake each other up in the middle of the night and no longer 'need' to be in the same bed anymore... you arent the first to mention this so I am gonna amend it.

Repeat description of the door, just making sure that it is crystal that the two scenes are connected.

Geoff - you spotted it, but not everyone has, and no he's not a drug dealer, just an old bloke at a pub who know's how Baz can resolve his financial difficulty... the suggestion being that this isn't the first desperate addict that he's guided to his daughter.

Agnes being better with a bat, good point and funny too, may add this to the dialogue at the end.

Steak is for black eyes in general, doesn't need to be frozen (that's normally frozen peas) and all the other meat is in the fridge, so chilled at most.

As I see it there's three twists
1) That they are happy to be broken into and see it as an opportunity
2) That they are cannibals.
3) That Geoff is more than just a bloke in the pub.

Cannibals - there is a VERY subtle clue... Alexander and Agnes are the first names of Sawney Bean and his 'wife' and that why the script has the him looking through her bus pass etc... 'Agnes Bean'... obscure I know but a nod to cannibal history :-)

Geoff not notifying them... got me! Geoff wasn't in the first few drafts at all, he's altered the logic slightly and I missed it's impact on the intro... great spot - fixing now ;-)

They're old school, hence the bats, and of course you are right, kinda needs to be implements of this nature to make the fight work... though I'm tempted to see if I could make it work with a tazer ;-)

Thanks again, time for a slight re-draft.

Dustin, look forward to seeing it in the future then!

Anthony

Read this on Thanksgiving. Perfect! We haven't eaten yet, either.

I liked this very much. I didn't see the cannibal part coming. I really wouldn't change anything (except for whatever little things others noted; I saw one or two "its" that needed to lose their apostrophes.)

I thought the single bed detail was a nice touch that needed no explanation.

By the time I got to the end I'd forgotten about old Geoff, so it was fun to see him show up again. ( I guess he steered poor Baz to the house because he looked like a hearty meal?)

Hi Henry and many thanks for the read, and kind words.

Really pleased it worked for you and the twists were disguised enough to pay off.

Happy thanksgiving!

Anthony

Hi Anthony. I enjoyed this as is, but think you could add a lot more to it.

The break in stuff felt very familiar. I watched a film recently called 'Borrowed Time'. There's a burglary in it that's practically identical, so it was refreshing when the cannibal stuff kicked in.

I have a few suggestions. Feel free to use them, laugh at them, or tear into them if you think they're terrible.

I think you could extend the beginning scene with Baz and Geoff at the pub. Not enough to ruin the twist but just enough to add a little more depth.

When Geoff turned up at the end I wasn't expecting it but didn't really care either. I feel it would be better if Geoff gave him a chance before setting him up, to make his motives a bit more understandable. Maybe something like -

                   GEOFF
You could get a job. I heard they’re
taking people on down at the factory.

                     BAZ
Fuck that. I ain't workin' a 9 ta 5. Besides,
I need it now... bones're fuckin' aching.

                  GEOFF
Well, lad, there is this house...

On page three you use the word 'moves' or 'moving' six times within five bits of action. Not a problem but it's something that stood out while reading. Maybe change it up a bit 'heads towards the kitchen' ect.

With the fridge I think there's a good opportunity to tease the audience. You could have Baz open it before he meets Alexander and not notice a jar of pickled eyes in the door compartment. He could snatch a wine bottle from the shelf, take a swig, screw his face up and spit out a thick red substance on the floor (blood) and put it back, disgusted. You could still have the reveal with the body parts a bit later, just have them in the freezer instead or make it a two door fridge.  

I liked Alexander’s weapon of choice but Agnes's felt too familiar. We've seen baseball bats used countless times, maybe change it to something an old person might have laying about the house like a croquet mallet, instead.


Good luck with this. It would work well as a comedy/horror if filmed.

You've used unkempt twice in descriptions of people and also used 'kept' in the description of a house. I think it would be better, aesthetically, if you changed those words up a bit.

Code Alexander gingerly swings his legs over the bed and deftly slips his feet into fluffy slippers.

I don't think 'gingerly' fits very well in this sentence. He carefully swings his legs over then deftly slips his feet into the slippers. If he is so deft, why be so ginger? It reads odd to me and I think you could lose the word 'gingerly' and not harm the action at all. However, if gingerly is important, and I can see that it might be, then perhaps slightly struggling to get in the slippers might be more apt?

Quoted Text Holding the light is a slight of frame youth.

slight-of-frame... I had to read it a couple times to decipher it. Should YOUTH be uppercase? It may be better if you reword it.

Code Surprisingly deft hands...

This is a 10 page script which is why I notice the use of deft again. I wasn't surprised that he has deft hands. Who is it surprising to? Be wary of telling the viewer/reader what they should be thinking. Surprisingly isn't a good word for a screenplay... unless it's in dialogue. Great in a novel... although they can be overused in those too.

Code Ancient lottery ticket, pocketed... just in case.

Nice.


Yeah, in my short story the guy broke into a psycho's house.. but the psycho would deliberately leave his windows open and door unlocked just waiting for someone to come in.

Nice short... works for me.

Kyle/Dustin - many thanks for the reads and comments, really appreciated.

Kyle
Like the idea for a slight extenstion of the intro, don't want to overplay Geoff but your idea may work. Also agree re the baseball bat, not very English, so may a croquet mallet or a hockey stick. Good call.

Many thanks and glad you liked,

Dustin
Unkemmpt, gingerly, slight of frame/surprisingly - will have a look, think you are right in all cases.

Many thanks and glad you liked too, I had a similar thought re leaving wndows/doors open with this one, but dropped that when I decided to use Geoff as a catalyst.

Cheers

Anthony

I think stealthily would be a better fit than gingerly. When I read gingerly I see an old man cautiously moving his legs maybe because of age.

All aesthetic anyway... the script works fine as is.

Thanks Dustin, went the other way and kept gingerly but switched deftly out, mkes for a better fit later when Baz gets the better of him.

Many thanks

Hey, Anthony. Great read. You really grabbed my attention with that bit about Agnes being excited that someone might have broken in, and of course the big twist at the end didn't disappoint. I liked it.

I might take a stab at putting a bit more into that first scene, though. Something to give us a sense of who Geoff and Baz are to each other. Did they just meet randomly and start up a conversation? If so, who innitiated it? Geoff? How did he approach his prey? Currently, it seems Geoff is too minor a character for the role he plays in this whole scheme. It took me a reread to even remember who he was when he showed up at the end. I think a bit more of him at the start could go a long way.

Hi Jared, many thanks for the read, really appreciated and really glad you liked it.

I've changed the first scene a little, Geoff has slightly more to sy for himself and he now subtly gives Baz a choice. It's not obvious and not a lot longer but I think it makes more sense and reads better without spoiling the reveal. (thanks to Kyle for the suggestion).

Thanks

Anthony

Hey Anthony

For 10 pages this read very quickly.  I few things confused me though:

Why does Baz keep slipping in the kitchen?  I thought you were going to reveal that he was standing in blood, but no.  Also when he swings open the fridge door, it hits Alexander in the face.  I imagined a small fridge (waist high) for some reason, so when it hit him in the face I wonder how Alexander was so low?  Might just be me being confused here?

anyway I liked the ending but I did wonder how Baz knows Geoff and what he meant by 'papers' and the relation to his 'bones're aching'?

Good story though, and entertaining throughout.

Hi alffy and thanks for the read, really appreciated.

Re fridge, I'd envisaged a combo fridge freezer, fridge top half so it would hit him in the face... I'll try make this clearer in the script.

So Baz is meant to be a poor, chav, drug addict... paper in this context means money and the bones aching are withdrawal symptoms... trying to add a little colour ;-)

Slipping in the kitchen, I think it was because it was dark... but kinda like the blood idea, may incorporate.

Glad you liked the script overall.

Anthony

Anthony,

Pretty straight forward stuff, nothing wrong with that -- but it did feel like I was waiting for something ‘else’ to happen.  Think Khamanna hit on an idea to parallel Baz’s addiction with their need for human flesh.  Another dimension to keep the reader/viewer working.

I like the nod to Sawney Bean -- remember reading the legend of him and his cannibal clan a while back -- horrific stuff.  The legend of Christie-Cleek is another good one too -- not as detailed, though perhaps in part a precursor to Sawney.  His alleged method of capturing his victims would make for some good horror in itself.

All the best,

Steve

Thanks for the read Steve - appreciated.

I like the Christie-Cleek  tale too, his hook would be great on film ;-)

Anthony

Nice job. Good idea. Couple points. If Geoffrey is recruiting, let him recruit. He gets a hefty man, not some skinny kid. He asks about family because he can't risk his life with someone who has folks who will care.   I don't know about the UK, but in the US, criminals want an empty house because an occupied house might have an armed resident. Geoffrey might want to assure the criminal that the house is unoccupied. And he might alert the occupants that they might be invaded. Otherwise nice work. Keep it up

Hi Richard and thanks for the reads and thoughts, glad you liked...

He gets a skinny kid as addicts are often malnourished and deserate enough to take risks... not always but often, the occupied bit isn't quite the same here as no one has guns, burglars here often break in when people are asleep upstairs nd scarper when there's any noise. Of course may have to alter this if it ends up being filmed somewhere else.

Letting the occupants know, yep someone else made the same point, so I've fixed that in my current draft, thanks.

Cheers

Anthony

Hey Anthony, wanted to return the read.

Right out of the gates I can tell you are a good writer. You got format down. And your descriptions are fantastic. Though some may find them a bit excessive...

I did have some confusion at the start when the voices are talking over black. I think it would have helped if you had specified whether the voices where male or female. I know we soon after discover who the voices are,  but there still needs to be a mention about the sex of the voices are before they are identified.

As for the story, I like it. It's a sorta anti-home invasion thriller. And I liked the minor twist. nothing mind blowing, but a great way to tie it in with the start. I do feel this could have used a bit more violence. But that's just a personal taste. What violence there is is great.

You do a good job with your characters as well. Most of the dialog is great, tho I feel like some of Alexander's is a bit on the nose.

Overall good job. I'll keep an eye out for what you do next.

~Zack~

Thanks for the read Zack and really appreciate the comments...

You'll be pleased to know that in my new version the voices over black are called out as male and female.

I'll have another look at Alexanders dialogue, my dialogue is getting better, but still far from perfect.

Most of my other shorts are on here, Graft and iRobot are the other recent ones.

Many thanks

Anthony

This has been picked up for a Horror anthology along with Twisted Smile...  

Congrats, Anthony!