Clowning Around by Philip Wilson - Short, Comedy - In a caricature world, a clown is tasked with robbing a bank. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Phil,

Funny little piece of writing. The tone of this caricature world is very specific, and I think you pulled it off well. It sustains throughout, and the characters act in a way befitting such a world.

The bumbling policemen were done well too, I thought, some funny little moments between them. And I particularly liked the mime sniper, the whole script was worth that moment alone.

I do think, however, that you could make the descriptions a bit more lean. Maybe even cut down some of the dialogue, especially near the end when the pace starts to quicken.

And personally, I would lose the direction at the end - "Seeing only the side of the car..." I just don't think it's needed. You could just as easily describe what's happening without dictating where the camera will be.

But overall, a very inventive and funny little short.

All the best

Greg

Yo Greg,

Cheers for the review.

I've had this sitting on my PC for about a year or so (the actual premise, a clown waking up in a vault, was a throwaway prompt from a friend, just to get some writing done) and I felt like turning it into a little surreal trip.

Noted regarding the descriptions, there are some parts that drag a little. I was particularly conscious of the mime's actions seeing as I was constantly writing 'mimic' or 'mime' every sentence or so. I dare say it could use some tidying up. Ditto the dialogue prior to the clown/police battle royale.

The shot description is nothing more than a little bit of self indulgence, if I'm honest. I just had this really amusing vision of not actually seeing the action, but instead having a very gory death alluded to with the colourful/childlike confetti.

Thanks again, though! This is my first time ever really sharing something I've written; and I haven't been around these boards much, so I'm looking forward to uploading some more material and handing out some opinions of my own soon.