The Unofficial Origin of the Super Mario Brothers by Keith Buzzard - Comedy - The world deserves a better Super Mario Brothers movie than the one we received in the 90's.  This is that movie.  Imagine a cross between Judd Apatow, Edgar Wright, and Super Mario. 68 pages - pdf, format 8)

I'm getting an error when I try to open this one.

~Zack~

Fixed.  Please try again.

Apologies.

-Don

First, add a logline so I know what I'm getting into. Pitching it as Judd Apatow + Edgar Wright is high praise.

Off the bat, you don't introduce your characters or describe the setting. This means that you're expecting us to know who Mario and Luigi are. That said, they aren't the Mario and Luigi we know.

Brings me to point 2. Why are Mario and Luigi so uncharacteristically offensive and cursing so much? They are established characters, if you want to change them, wouldn't it be better to use different characters? This isn't a Robot Chicken sketch or a Newgrounds animation,, it's a feature length film. Not only is the offensive, racy depiction of the Mario Brothers overdone, it won't hold through an entire film.

Your parentheticals are too prescriptive. Rule of them: Don't use them unless you absolutely need it to tell the story so the audience doesn't get confused. Ex. "(Not sure if he should be taking offense) And just what is that supposed to mean?" If you take it out, the dialogue itself already tells us how he would be saying it.

Fan scripts are a great way to practice, and I've always been partial to the Super Mario Bros., so I decided to give this a look-over.  

As a writer, the only thing I can really say is continue to practice.  Write.  And read other scripts...learn proper formatting, develop a technique, and work on the logline.  

As a fan of the Super Mario Bros., I don't know if I agree with the sentiments of the 'logline.'  It hardly seemed like Super Mario, more like a parody filled with vulgarity and innuendos.  Although I do think the plot where Peach initially 'orchestrates her own kidnapping/(disappearance)' to temporarily escape her royal life was kinda interesting.    

Keep on writing :)