... I'm not overly concerned with the description bc I'm considering filming this with a film school friend. I'm more interested in knowing if the characters, storyline and dialog work. |
SPOILERS:
Regarding the story itself and whether it 'works' - my theory of what I think your tale is about is this:
A man crippled by agoraphobia ends up ironically dead (i.e., consumed by his own illogical fear). He fears the outside world, a blizzard comes and he's trapped in his own prison which leads to his death. An endless loop ensues of him reliving the last day/s of his life and a Groundhog Day type scenario ensues. The very thing he's afraid of leads to his own demise.
Notes as I read:
First off: If not for the 'agoraphobic' mention in the logline I wouldn't have guessed it. LEVI (LIVE anagram) appears to be just a man sheltering from a storm. He manages to stay outside long enough to be able to kill a hare. Agoraphobics typically wouldn't even get past the front door so that I'm skeptical of.
THADE (an anagram of DEATH) but ironically the character name of the person LEVI saves. Does he save her or is she an illusion or is he saving himself? I'm not sure.
You say you're not too concerned about the protracted descriptions but my opinion is that it dilutes the continuity and efficacy of the story you're trying to tell.
As far as dialogue goes - most of it's repetitive - but for a reason. It could work if the voices are suitably creepy - It does match Levi's deteriorating mental state. The repetition three times might be just as effective at two lines - you want to keep the atmosphere but not make it tiring. That's for you to decide when filming and editing, I think.
'It's coming' repeated
'Don't open the door' is repeated - Levi fears actually stepping outside and is warned not to and yet he does just that.
The small footprints indicated a child to me - if this is THADE (20s) I'd think about calling them 'smaller' footprints.
On page 4 Levi does exit the cabin after inspecting the surroundings and to get firewood - he does hurry but I'd doubt an agoraphobic would get past the front door - I get his survival depends on it but I think the key is in you showing him being unable to do this at all in the beginning and then working up to it. It's all a little distanced and not emotional enough for me at the moment - I'm not really sensing his fear at moving from inside to outside - just the fear of the voices.
Perhaps if you show more clearly him actually having to stop thinking only of himself to save someone else (which you've tried to do, right?) I would feel his pain but I feel once again distanced from it emotionally. In that regard Levi's reaction to the voices does not seem to progress much, imh. Perhaps a little more insight from Levi himself via his own voice?? apart from 'don't open the door' etc.
As I read on:
the scratching sound in the storage hatch
tree stump over the hatch
To lock himself in or out? (above)
I don't know it's a little confusing. I guess you're going for a non-linear narrative but it loses a bit of impact and urgency for me.
The significance of the hand in the fire at first I thought was for punishment, or to prove to himself that he does still exist/is still alive? But it's apparently to drown out the tormenting voice - correct?
As noted before - Levi steps outside long enough to kill a hare, so
technically he overcame his fear - but yet still he ends up dead.
The blizzard coming and going - there's a lot of this.
radio broadcast advising to bunker down
leather pouch with the alphabetic cubes spell out DEATH
A PAIR OF BARE FEET STICKING OUT OF THE SNOW
THADE - so presumably Levi has let in the very thing he is not supposed to??
So, am I to believe that all this has happened before and that his fear has made him a prisoner and when the blizzard came he was trapped in the hatch and died? And he relives it over and over?
'It will destroy you' is really his own fear?
At the very least you will have striking visuals and atmosphere but the story is a little vague and obscure and detached (the latter as far as feeling for the character) - films like this imh end up being not entirely satisfying as a narrative.
As a film project however it might be exactly what you're aiming for - the landscape/snow/blizzard - blood on the snow etc. could be the ideal showcase for a capable filmmaker but as far as story goes - it has the potential to be more exciting and edge of the seat imh. At the moment it's intriguing, and a little confusing but hey, that's nothing new as far as film goes. ;D
So, now that I'm done speculating I'm very interested to hear your take on the story and if I'm anywhere near close...
P.S.
'When an agoraphobic hold (holed) up in a secluded cabin receives an unexpected visitor, he finds himself questioning
much more than just his sanity.' 14 pages - pdf, format
Just an added note on your logline (above) I think this is effective just as: '
questioning his sanity' because really what is the 'much more' - it sounds like that's just tacked on cause it's enigmatic or there's a certain rhythm to it.
I didn't end up seeing what the 'much more' really was (unless it's his death). Your logline with that bit attached resembles that well worn clichéd logline
'ends up getting much more than he bargained for' imh - a tagline for lot of scripts. I'd stick to what you had initially without that extra. Just a thought. :)