Quantum Suicide by Josh Park - Sci Fi, Fantasy - When a software engineer gets fired, he finds an opportunity to change his life forever when he becomes a test subject to explore other alternate universes. 74 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Josh,

Thought I would take a look at your script giving the subject, here are my thoughts.

I only read the first ten pages so this is what I picked up.

There are a number of typos, grammar and formatting issues.

Your dialogue and description do not run smooth, for example:

"He types on a loud keyboard, and so do his coworkers"

Didn't know there was such a thing as a loud keyboard. The tapping on a keyboard would be loud but not the keyboard itself.

"The typing produces a symphony of CLICKS and CLACKS"

I don't think this is necessary.


His cubicle neighbor, MARVIN, rolls back in his office chair and faces James.

An age or a description on Marvin is needed here.


"Mhm.Worst part? They made him
leave on his birthday"

? after 'worst part' that must be a typo?

There is no age or description on the psychologist.
Personally, I think this could be your opening scene, use the dialogue with the Psychiatrist to tell us about James and his problems. Perhaps a quick insert cut or flashback as James talks about his day.  Basically what I'm saying is, the first scene doesn't work and has absolutely no relevance. If it is an indicator to show us how worried James is about losing his job or stuck in a rut in a 9-5 crappy job, then I personally would use the session with the psychiatrist to tell us that.


Age with Linda and description is needed.

The suspect car seems to be the only exciting thing happening in the first ten pages, but your delivery is poor and doesn't make me want to read on and find out more about this car.
It's as if though James sees the car, "oh whats that strange car doing outside my house" then the car drives off and James just casually carries on, but then is later google searching strange car espionage with alien speculation etc.  

James just doesn't appear to be worried enough about the car to then start google searching it. Not to mention a car parked outside your house means alien speculation, conspiracy and sci-fi?

Personally, If someone was outside my house I would think that they would be casing the place searching for the opportune moment to rob me. But thats just me.

Just my thoughts and opinion of course.

Good luck with this and keep writing.

Lee
West country Revenge
The Brightest Star
The Postman
The Peace Line