Code INT: TOM JOHNSON’S HOUSE IN THE KITCHEN-MORNING
CUT TO:
The phone rings, Tom picks up the phone and looks at the
screen to see whose number appears. The number on the phone
is Henry, Tom’s father. Tom is standing in front of a large
world map. The map has a long line of red stick pins
between North America and the Bahamas and then to the
island of Puerto Rico. There is a second blue line that is
coming from the island of Puerto Rico leading back in the
direction of the United States. Tom has a blue pin in his
hand as he is looking at the map and answers the phone. |
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I so hope, for your sake, that you're young.
Break up your action lines and describe per camera shot. You know, all you have to do is read one or two screenplays to see how it is done. I'd also advise reading lots and lots of novels. The reason I say that is because I'm not detecting a writer's voice. There is no flow. Either you've stripped it out completely or never had it to begin with. If the latter, then perhaps doing something else may help.
Your first sentence is terrible.
Code The phone rings, Tom picks up the phone... |
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Do you think that is OK? Does that flow to you?
Code The phone rings, Tom picks up the phone and looks at the
screen to see whose number appears. The number on the phone
is Henry, Tom’s father. |
|
He looks at the screen to see whose number appears? What screen? What phone? Is it a landline or a mobile? Does the screen have numbers on it or a name? How do we know Henry is Tom's father?
Tom should also be in uppercase and we need an age for him.
Code Tom is standing in front of a large
world map. |
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Not active enough. Try something like:
Tom stands in front of a large
world map.
The whole thing will need reworking. You seriously need all the help you can get. I suggest joining up here and participating if you want to fast track your learning. Otherwise, with scripts written like this you don't have a chance in hell.