Code DETECTIVE JAMES PHILLIPS, 48 is sitting at his desk looking
over papers. |
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Screenplays should be written as actively as possible.
DETECTIVE JAMES PHILLIPS, 48, sits at his desk, looking
over papers.There is also two missing commas in my opinion. The one after desk belongs there because you have missed out a word. That word is 'while', IMO. Some may argue about that.
Code He takes a sip of coffee from a coffee mug. He
almost spits the coffee back up. |
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What else would he sip coffee from? Straight from the pot perhaps? That would be the only time you'd need to mention the receptacle used. If it's unusual. If it's normal then leave it out. Most will assume the coffee he is drinking is actually coming from a coffee mug.
Code EXT. POLICE STATION - EVENING
Los Angeles - 1983
DETECTIVE JAMES PHILLIPS, 48 is sitting at his desk looking
over papers. He takes a sip of coffee from a coffee mug. He
almost spits the coffee back up.
JAMES
Man this is cold.
The phone rings and he sets the coffee mug back on the desk
and answers the phone.
JAMES (CONT'D)
Detective Phillips...Hi honey.
A smile comes across his face as he glances at a picture of
his wife and son.
JAMES (CONT'D)
That sounds good. I'm finishing up
here and I will be home in about
an hour...Okay, bye..I love you
too.
He hangs up the phone and goes back to looking over the
papers on his desk.
INT. POLICE STATION - EVENING
James cuts out the lights and then closes the the door to
his office. He waves at one of the Police Officers sitting
at a cubicle then walks to the office next to his and knocks
on the open door.
DETECTIVE BRIAN OLIVER, 54 is sitting behind the desk. James
walks into the office and stands in front of the desk. |
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I didn't get that he was in his own office. You simply mention police station in the slug. What would be better would be something like this:
INT. POLICE STATION - JAMES' OFFICE - NIGHT
You also have your first slug as an EXT and then describe internal surroundings.