Tonic by M. Alexander Garcia (Zander) - Short, Drama - A teenage boy takes unprescribed drugs to improve school work but later ensues into making his life a living hell with unexpected side effects. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Zander,

It's an interesting premise. Depressing, and that's clearly what you're going for.

However, the script is structured in a very confusing manner. I realize confusion is your intention (main character experiencing strange drug side-effects), but a screenplay is supposed to give the director a blueprint for what to film. You don't want it to be considered unfilmable.

The drug makes the main character feel as if time races by, and he spontaneously finds himself in new settings. Every time he finds himself in a new setting, you should add a slugline. I would check out Christopher Nolan's Memento screenplay for an example of how to go about doing this.

Also, there are quite a few grammatical errors. You missed a lot of commas (ex. "Are you alright honey?" should be "Are you alright, honey?").

Hope this helps,

- David

It flows well up to this point; the below is an independent scene, and should be marked as one, when suddenly:

Preston is on a date at the movies, he ignores his
girlfriend.

PRESTON
It’s not you if that’s what you’re
wondering.

Preston sleeps siting up on his bed.

Okay, I read your story. The drug improves his performance at school, but same time he has those blackouts when taking it. Reminds me of  "Limitless" with Bradley Cooper. Honestly, I think you can tell a story, but since I don't know what substance he has taken and what you want to express by showing an unknown drug that way, you leave me indifferent anyhow.

"Keep your hand off drugs" is an important message, I give you that. Maybe further you want to show that young adults shouldn't take something they don't know because they could lose control and soon it's too late. This "unknown" medicine plot, anyway, distracts me from the above message because I focus too much on "WHAT'S THAT STUFF" and not on the personal fate of the protagonist which I believe you want our empathy focused on. If you want to teach young ones to be careful, I really like it, but here it's too fictional and maybe you lose some honesty that way. I mean that the kids finally say: "That is not real. Something which makes me better followed by a murder-blackout does not exist. That can't happen to me."
Don't know if anything makes sense or if there's a worth between my lines which helps you...
Still, not bad at all. Good luck.

Main advice I can give at the moment is: Proofread, and proofread again. David was kind in mentioning 'quite a few' errors - they are numerous. If you wish to be taken seriously you must present your work in a professional manner and that means do not post a script until it is ready to be posted i.e., no errors in grammar, typos, punctuation etc. or at least as close as you can get it to perfect. It does appear based on some of the typos as if you have written this and just thrown it up here.  

Some of your slugs are incorrectly labeled too. You have one EXT. PARK and then in the description line your characters move to the BEACH - the latter is what your slug should read as.

Also, given the last two lines - that your intention with this is an anti-drug message/commercial - I think it's way too long. Expand on the narrative you have and stick to it being a screenplay is what I would do but at the moment it reads far too linear with no real surprises in terms of plot.

If you do want to write an ad then stick to it being short and sweet for maximum impact.

Some of your ideas/visuals are good which is why I would encourage you to expand upon the story.

Many problems, starting with misuse of "ensues" in the logline and feet turning on the shower in the opening.

Formatting, grammar, and general awkwardness make your story hard to follow.

Alexander,

the others have spotted the obvious problems with the writing.  It's difficult to follow which dampens its message.

The dialogue is uninspired and on the nose.  If this guy is tripping, give him dialogue to match.  What comes out of his mouth should match what's going on in his head.

Rewrite this one several times and get rid of the mistakes.

Best

Richard

Thank you all for your feedback, it's always appreciated.

I've been wanting to read a script lately and it's probably going to be Memento, thanks for the suggestion. I'd say my greatest weakness is grammar and dialogue.  It seems to be the top comments whenever someone reads my stuff.

As for the story, it's very focused on Preston not understanding what is happening to him. There isn't much development on other characters but it's a short and you can't really show much with the amount of time I want to keep it (which is 10 to 15 minutes).  I didn't think the audience would be distracted or/and left dissatisfied not knowing what the drug is, so I learned that. Also realized that I should have a slug if it's a flashback or a flash-frame of a different area or time in the scene.

SPOILERS AFTER HERE:
I didn't want to do an anti-drug commercial. I had the idea of this kid taking a drug to improve school work and then having these side effects changing his life. I wanted a short so this developed.  I guess the story can be taken as very metaphoric as that the drug will ruin your life and take everything you care about away from you. Like your mother and girlfriend and even your life. Since at the end it's the drug killing himself not himself.

I'll work on my grammar but I don't know what you mean by general awkwardness, Stumpzian.

Also I don't think the dialogue is that much on the nose. Where would you think specifically? When he confronts Greg?

M...or Alexander...your opening and half of the 1st page is very poorly written.  Impossible to even have a clue what's supposed to be going on.  Seriously, but sorry...but dude, you have to understand this.

Start with a FADE in..always...or something like it.  Write visually..say what you want us to see.  As written, I have no clue what your intentions are.

Quid Pro Quo.  Read and post on other scripts.  You'll be amazed how quickly and easily you can make some friends on SS.  No other way around it.

Best of luck to you.

Uh alright, thanks man.