What is this software that keeps putting CONTINUED at the start and end of each page?
Quoted Text Thick, dense smoke bellows from the top of the school
building. The fire alarm sounds loudly. |
Dense or thick smoke will do but not both and do fire alarms have a volume control. 'Fire alarm sounds' is probably sufficient. It's the little things that matter because a lot of little annoying things mean you screenplay doesn't get read.
Quoted Text The plate spirals in slow motion to the ground where
it splatters its guts everywhere. |
You are describing an event to someone who may buy your script not telling a story to a mate.
Quoted Text JACK is then picked up by SECURITY and carried out of the
kitchen like a used crash test dummy. |
From the amount of complaining Jack was doing, I don't think he would have been limp enough to fit that description.
Quoted Text HOTEL MANAGER
(super angry, heavy french
accent, hands flailing)
YOU ARE FIRED!! |
You've just told us that he's "super" angry so the ALL CAPS really are redundant unless you are having trouble conveying the emotions of characters in a scene.
Quoted Text The Hollies, He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother, plays in
the passing wind. |
Why?
Unless you plan on funding this movie yourself, you don't get to choose the soundtrack unless it is relevant to the story. It may have been playing in your head when you wrote it but someone else might hear something different
Quoted Text JACK(V.O.)
(overreacting)
FINE!? Fine? How can it be
fine? I just lost the only job I
ever wanted to know. The only real
friend I’ve ever had, and you think
that’s fine? HOW CAN IT BE
FINE!? I don’t know who I am
anymore, who am I!?
JASMINE
(offended)
CALM DOWN. You can’t talk to me
like this just because you’re
upset. Maybe you should go for a
walk. |
Why is she offended?
Quoted Text JASMINE’S mouth hits the floor, pulls the phone away from
her ear and just looks at it in her hand furiously. |
A bit overdone don't you think. Her mouth didn't hit the floor and it's hard to look 'furiously'. Maybe she looked furious or she glared at the phone.
Quoted Text JASMINE hangs up the phone like it’s an icky slug. CLICK. |
I don't think so. She slammed the phone down.
Quoted Text Zach Galifianakis |
He's a real person. Zach Smith is probably a real person too but it's a name you can use, Zach Galifianakis isn't.
I left it at that point. It needs revision.