Tramp by Kyle Bowler - Short, Drama - A homeless man's daily struggles increase after he's targeted by a group of thugs.  11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Code POLICEMAN (O.S.) Sir. The boot taps his foot again, this time harder. POLICEMAN (O.S.) (stern) Sir. Jakob opens his eyes. A POLICEMAN, forties, stands at his feet. POLICEMAN You can’t stay here. I’m gonna have to ask you to move on.

I don't remember seeing a super anywhere saying we had gone back in time... why is this police officer so polite?

Code KAMEN You talk to the police again, it’ll be you be next.

An extra 'be'.

I felt let down by the end. Seemed unreal that he would just suddenly plunge his knife into someone after just waking up. There were no hints previously that he was capable of something like this.

I liked it, well written... but the end doesn't work for me.

Sharp writing. Well-developed motivations. Sympathetic lead character, reprehensible bad guys.

I did wonder why he waited so long to use his knife. I assume it's because he had to hit a breaking point.

In my book, this is a winner.

Henry

Hi Kyle.

Took a read, couple of thoughts, just my opinion of course...

Not personally convinced the initial V.O. is needed, I know from it that Jakob is going to do something violent at some point and this could be too revealing.

Kamen - seems an odd name for a brother of a Ben, think it's an eastern European name, unless this is in homage to an old Levi advert ;-)

Agree with Dustin in terms of the end and his reaction, if this was set up earlier I think it would fly, e.g. he wraps his hand round the knife in the bridge scene but doesn't use it, show us wrestling with it.

Other than that I think this is good, depressing, but good...

Anthony

Kyle,

Comments come with disclaimers.  Some have more tread than others.

This one is not satisfying for me. Evil is rewarded and innocence is killed. While I see the setup and the motivation it leaves me cold. I think the audience will find this a downer, and that"s not necessarily bad, just depressing.

Couple nits. How does he read at night?  Street lamp, flashlight?  Also, when he's outdoors, is he pinned to the floor or the ground?

Best
Richard

Thanks for posting and sorry for the late response, had a bit of a mad weekend.

Thanks for all the feedback. I'll address some of the points best I can.

Dustin. I see what you mean about the policeman's dialogue. I was trying to get away from the typical 'everyone's against him' sort of thing, so I made the policeman friendly intentionally. Looking back it does seem a bit unrealistic. I'll change it in the rewrite.

I understand where you're coming from about the ending. The scene with his daughter's teddy bear being burnt was meant to suggest that he had lost all hope and basically didn't give a fuck any more. But as you and Anthony point out, his reaction is a bit extreme. I'll try and figure out a way around it.

Henry. Thank you, glad you liked it.

Anthony. The V.O at the beginning was supposed to let the reader know that something violent is going to happen, but then it turn out to be a lot worse than they could've imagined. I still think it works, but I could be wrong. I'll have a think about it.

I agree the name Kamen is an odd choice. I always struggle with finding names that don't sound alike or start with the same letter. I'll change it in the rewrite.

Good point about the knife, I'll try and think of a way to set it up earlier on.

Richard. I can understand why you feel that way. I knew when writing it, that it wouldn't be everyone’s cup of tea. It was a lot less depressing at first, but it also seemed like it'd been done too many times before. 'Sympathetic character is attacked and he takes revenge'. I added the bits with Kaya and Fern to make it different, but yeah, I agree, if it got made it wouldn't exactly be feel good film of the year.    
  
And thanks for the other points. I'll chuck a street lamp in and change floor to ground.

If anyone wants me to return the favour, just let me know.

A very powerful piece.

Your dialogue is spot on and the story flows very well. Nothing negative to say about the writing in terms of evoking some terrific visuals and the characters are very well drawn.

A couple of observations/typos/ etc.

So is Jakob a sober homeless man - he throws the beer away. He's presumably educated as well cause he's reading a book when we see him (I was curious what that book might be too - except maybe you liked it being a bit obscure.) So to my mind Jakob's fallen on hard times - possibly split up with his wife, or widowed (photo of little girl in locket) - perhaps child died and then they split. He's called by name: Mr. Wendal - is he an ex-school teacher by any chance?

I think it's great you haven't stereotyped the homeless man and made him a junkie or an alcoholic - plenty of people are homeless these days due to a lot of things not least because the government doesn't give a hoot. How anyone can live on welfare I don't know.  

I've seen these ashtrays made from cans too, they're pretty good. Haven't seen a fish but I can imagine it - and I can imagine it also appealing to a little girl.

'not til' should be: till (I'm pretty sure)

http://grammarpartyblog.com/2011/04/05/till-vs-‘til/ Bit of light reading for you here.  ;D

Keep taking like that..., (talking) typo

... to suck my (to) omission of word

Typo: rifles through instead of 'riffles'

This reads very Brit to me - I'd spell it 'arse'

'Okay' doesn't need to be capitalized as in OK all the time (you do it twice) unless you're beginning a new sentence - ok or okay is standard.

Oh, and another opinion for you: I didn't really see the Policeman was too nice - he was civil as I'm sure some of them can be; asked him to move on politely - I think it's a nice contrast to all the other dickheads in your story.

I thought: 'it'll be you be next' was a local jargon abbreviation of: 'it'll be you (who will) be next. It pulled me up at first but then I thought it read fine that way... Unless you didn't mean it that way. ?

Ben spits at Jakob as him, Pete and Kamen leave.
Should be: Ben spits at Jakob as he, Pete and Kamen leave.

I'd write 'then all is quiet' instead of 'but all is quiet' - or leave it out altogether. I think otherwise there needs to be a transition here - even if it's written on a separate line.

I had my reasons. That line didn't resonate as much as it could imh.  I think here he's attempting to tell her why more than anything isn't he? and what led to it, that it wasn't a random act of violence.  I need you to know why - Perhaps?

Oh, and then you sock it to us with a double whammy ending! Not only is he behind bars but he's just about to... Oh dear. Bit grim.

I did wonder too if it's stretching credibility that Jakob who up until now has been pretty darned patient with those around him would react in quite so reflexive a manner. If you keep the ending you have I think something else needs to happen to justify a last-straw type of reaction from him.

Writing for film you should be able to tackle the grim stuff if you want to and it's very well written but it does make me think... You might just have more success with this being filmed if you change some of the story around in the final act. Not so it's a fairy tale but just so it's not quite so bleak.

Thematically it's not effective enough as a cautionary tale for the young guys either cause they get no comeuppance at all. I don't know it might be exactly what someone's looking for...

I wish you luck with this Kyle. The writing is impressive.

Libby,

til vs. till: 'til is informal for until (with backward apostrophe). Till is something money is in.

This could be U.S.-Brit differences at play again.

OK vs. okay, ok: I go by Associated Press stylebook, which mandates OK in all uses. On the other hand, maybe that's changed since I last looked. Now that I think about it, I like okay better.

There ought to be a Script Stylebook. Maybe there is?

Valuable comments from you as usual.

Henry

Quoted from Stumpzian Libby, til vs. till: 'til is informal for until (with backward apostrophe). Till is something money is in. This could be U.S.-Brit differences at play again. OK vs. okay, ok: I go by Associated Press stylebook, which mandates OK in all uses. On the other hand, maybe that's changed since I last looked. Now that I think about it, I like okay better. There ought to be a Script Stylebook. Maybe there is? Valuable comments from you as usual. Henry

I think journos and writers go by The Chicago Manual of Style and/or The Associated Press Stylebook, there's all kinds of manuals and style guides these days - Wiki's got one as does Yahoo, the BBC, The Guardian - for online publications -  jeez the amount of typos and bad grammar you can see in online newspapers - I think the 'hope and pray' is the preferred method. ;D

Onto Kyle's script - have a look at the link I posted. Seems both are acceptable although one is a bit outdated than the other apparently. I'm familiar with the cash till but we use the same spelling for abbreviation of 'until' which is obviously why it looked odd to me.

As for the OK I was talking about it being used CAPPED (both letters) in the middle of a sentence as in:

'I am OK if you're OK for me to visit.
You surely don't write it capped that way, do you?
Ok and okay - are both fine. 'Ok' has become the norm really, proving we're all lazy.  

Henry, I'm a bit of a word pedant (quite apart from the Brit/Aussie/US differences) but in no way do I reckon I'm right all the time - no-one's perfect. Feel free to pick me up on something if you see it, no problem at all.  :)

Quoted from LC You surely don't write it capped that way, do you?

Yes, I do (AP stylebook again), but I get the feeling I need to re-educate myself/brush up on the newest rules!

Henry

I always use "OK".  Is it correct in everyone's eyes?  No, but it's understood and no one will ever be confused.

It's also only going to be used in dialogue, and in dialogue, pretty kuch anything is acceptable.

The key to me is to be consistent.  It's also only 2 characters vs. "okay" being 4, so why not save yourself 2 characters?

Jeff:
I agree. And I re-checked AP stylebook a bit ago, and it still calls for OK in all uses.

Thanks for the great feedback, LC.

I wanted to leave Jakob's backstory up to the audience. But you pretty much said exactly what I had in mind. Daughter died and then he and his wife split. Or his wife left him and wouldn't let him see his daughter. I did have a bit about his wedding ring at first, but it didn't seem to fit properly.

As for Ben calling him Mr. Wendal. There's an old hip hop song by Arrested Development called 'Mr. Wendal', which is basically about having respect for the homeless. I didn't think many people would get the reference, but it came to mind when I was writing this, so I chucked it in there.

Quoted Text I've seen these ashtrays made from cans too, they're pretty good. Haven't seen a fish but I can imagine it.

When I went to Greece last year, a barman showed me how to make them. They're actually pretty easy when you get the hang of it. A can of Guinness works best, in my opinion. I wanted to use them in a story so I started looking for other things you could make out of recycling, and came across the bottle cap fish, they're pretty impressive.


Cheers for pointing out all the typos and other issues. Grammar's definitely not a strong point of mine. I'll keep what you've said in mind in future.

On the debate of Ok/OK/Okay. I don't know which is correct or the most appropriate. But I use Final Draft and it auto-corrects it to OK every time. Even in the middle of a sentence.

Quoted Text I had my reasons. That line didn't resonate as much as it could imh.  I think here he's attempting to tell her why more than anything isn't he? and what led to it, that it wasn't a random act of violence.  I need you to know why - Perhaps?

Good point. I did think about this when writing. 'I had my reasons' sounded better to me, but you're right, it doesn't make as much sense as something like 'I needed you to know why'.

Quoted Text If you keep the ending you have I think something else needs to happen to justify a last-straw type of reaction from him.

Yeah, the ending definitely seems to be the weakest part, based on the feedback. If I do keep it, I'll try and add something earlier on to make it a bit more believable, but I'm probably gonna change it altogether.


Thanks again for the feedback, everyone. I'll get to work on a new draft over the weekend.