Stuffed by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - A wronged woman takes a scorched earth approach to her revenge. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well, I honestly don't know what to make of this... just a lot of violence with nothing to really back it up with story-wise. I usually like your work, Anthony, but not this one.

I'm not sure I do either, kinda escaped, trying to figure out what to do with it...

Thanks for looking and commenting though.

Anthony

Anthony,

A couple of little things first.

I tripped over the phrasing in the first two sentences. Didn't get how a closed garage door reveals the workshop's "roots."

The slug says workshop, but the word workshop shows up twice soon after.

And "workshops's" needs fixing. So does the it's.

On to the story. This is one seriously messed up lady.

The stuffing scenes? I wouldn't want watch if this were ever filmed. Not to mention the golf-bag part.

I wasn't clear on why the dog's collar had the girlfriend's name on it.

Best, Henry

Hey Henry, thanks for taking a look.

The workshop roots bit, is meant to show that this was once a garage but has been converted into his workshop by closing off the garage doors... for him and all his tools n stuff - showing he's selfish... but I'll revise this to make this clearer both in terms of the garage and that it's his domain.

The dog... Brian brought it into their home, already named after his mistress, hence the tag on the collar, a sarcastic and hurtful conceit on his part.

And yes she's messed up as she's discovered her husbands infidelity which has destroyed her... this may need some expansion, but I was trying to keep it short and punchy, coming in at an unexpected point with little back story.

The violence, is her externalising her rage and 'killing' what he loved... too much? Maybe...

Anthony

Re the garage/ roots, etc.: I see now. I was envisioning a garage (still used as such) with a workshop in it.

The woman must have some pre-existing abnormal mental condition because her reaction to the infidelity was so over-the-top awful.

Is the stuffing too much? I have to say Yes. It's interesting from a psychological point of view, but few people will want see it.  At least in my opinion.

Hi Anthony,

Strange one here. I like the idea of Angie, so obviously heartbroken and betrayed, turning to violence to get revenge.

But killing his mother and his little Jack Russell seemed a tad over the top. Don't get me wrong, I love over the top, and maybe the mother killing would have worked but we don't really know much about her and their relationship. And the dog stuffing would be excruciating to watch.

I like the idea though and it is written really well. And can't help but think if it was a little longer it would probably work better. Maybe just me.

Anyway, good luck with this :)

Hey Anthony,

The story felt incomplete to me. You set up Angie as your main character, which is fine, there are a lot of stories that follow despicable characters, but there is no payoff. All we know is that Brian cheated on her with a younger woman and that she killed Brian's dog and mother as revenge, which really doesn't make sense, though some individuals are despicable to the point of completely lacking sense or logic. But it makes us despise her completely... yes, Brian cheated on her, but that pales in comparison to what she has done in this film. The dog thing is pretty sick... I kinda dug that part (in the context of a horror short) but it doesn't lead anywhere. Unless Brian did something similar to her, it kills any sympathy for Angie.

I was actually rooting for a character that never actually appears in the story except for a photo (Brian)... I wanted him to come home and get his own revenge. Either that or I was expecting something ironic or a twist of some sort (maybe the girl in the photo is actually Brian's wife and Angie is the one who cheated with him, or something like that... or maybe Angie is the mother's caretaker or something who has a "crush" on Brian)...

As for the writing, not bad, but this could have been easily 2 pages long rather than 3.

Quoted Text The up and over garage door is still in place, now bolted to the floor. It reveals the workshops’s roots. Gardening equipment, DIY tools and decorating implements fill the shelves around the workshop. It’s the paraphernalia of a competent man, carefully arranged in holders and hangers, boxes and drawers. Everything has it’s place. A long workbench lines one wall where ANGIE, 50s, sad and dreary, is working on something small and hidden from view. Her hair is in tufts, unwashed and unkempt. Her clothing hasn’t seen an iron recently and the buttons on her cardigan aren’t in the right holes, a couple aren’t in holes at all. She looks feral.

This seems far too detailed. Now, maybe you're thinking of shooting this yourself, hence why you have some of this description in separate paragraphs... moving to a new paragraph signifies change of camera shot/focus. But if not, there really is no reason to separate a lot of the description here, could be just one paragraph.

And the first sentence reads strange. You say the garage door is "now" bolted to the floor. Just saying "the garage door is bolted to the floor" provides us with enough info... generally, a garage door is not bolted to the floor.

An up-and-over garage door is bolted to the floor, revealing the workshop's roots. Tools and other equipment fill the shelves. Boxes and drawers neatly line the room. Everything carefully arranged.

ANGIE (50s - sad and dreary) stands at a long work bench, working on something. Hidden from view. She appears disheveled - her clothes wrinkled, buttons out of place. Hair a mess.

Anyways, I'm still curious as to what happens to Angie, hopefully something awful, lol.

-- Michael

I think you'd have been better off stuffing a small child than a little doggy.

I'd have liked to have seen more play on the word 'stuffed'. Maybe she could have a flashback of an argument, where she confronts him about his affair(s). Her embittered husband could shout something really horrible, like : "Get stuffed, you fat ugly bitch!"

That word could then reverberate around her mind, driving her to stuff his family. Stuff the dog full of his worldly possessions and then stuff the old lady with the dog... then she drags the old lady, ready to stuff the next thing.

A little more meat and this could work... at the moment it seems out of proportion and mindless.

Glenn, Michael, Dustin... many thanks for taking a look, appreciated.

It would appear the dog part is fairly polarising, sort of expected that ;-)

Dustin, in the first draft Angie was a taxidermist, but when I re-read it, well it just seemed too convenient... so I dumped that element.

All - Think you are correct re a little more meat/expansion.

Michael - re initial descrips and the garage door, yep, think you are right, will re-write and condense.

Thanks all

Anthony

Hey Anthony

I haven't read any other comments, so lets have a look...


To her right is a small pile of disparate but emotionally
connected items. - wasn't quite sure what i was seeing here

She exhausts the pile of memories. - kind of know what you are meaning - but not so clear

bloody piñata - yeah, i get this, but again i wonder whether this is the best way to say this

she's one angry girl.

If i read this correctly she's the ex wife, and rather pissed off at that. I had to flick between the descriptions but imassume the girl in the photo is not his wife etc

that damned selfie again - why do adulteress do that :-)

What i was trying to connect was all the description of a tidy garage etc which seemed important, , to everything that followed. I couldn't really see a connection.

I assume it is his  dog, but when it started i assumed it was hers, with all the tears etc

now having read some other comments i would agree that this requires a pay off and that seems lacking at present.

all the best

Hi Anthony. The writing itself seems fine, quick and easy to follow, but I had some problems with the actual content.

If this was a dark comedy, I think you could get away with the dog stuffing and old women bludgeoning. But as is, it just seems a bit too brutal for anyone to want to make, or watch it.

I liked the idea of Angie reaching her breaking point, but I think it needs to build up to more of a rewarding climax.  Expand it a little, maybe add some humour and work on the payoff, and this could be a nice little short.  

Best of luck with it.

Anthony,

Most comments are easily discarded, so choose what you like and forget the rest.

I understood the garage thing although you could have just said...this is a garage that's been converted into a workshop.

We have a betrayed wife taking her revenge on a dog and a mother-in-law, which is very tough to take since it's hubby who needs the garden shears.  And the brutality of the killing seems a bit beyond the pale.  I can see where she would destroy the workshop.  Fire up a a chainsaw and go to work.  Sorry, golf clubs.  But a dog?  Seems a bit gratuitous.

And the old lady?  What did she ever do?  But then, wifey may have gone over the edge and decided to bring it all down.  So, after destroying the garage, burn it?  I don't know.  Most viewers like an ending that metes out justice in some fashion.  I don't think this qualifies.  But it's an interesting view.  Good luck.

Best
Richard

Reef/Kyle/Richard

Thanks for the reads and comments, hve revised and uploaded a new version od the script to incorporate some of the comments received to date.

Thanks

Anthony

Hi, Anthony...haven't read the new version yet but want to ask about your method of uploading the new draft. Some way that's different from "submitting a script"? I'm asking because it went up so FAST.
Thanks, Henry

Hey Henry.

Tip I got from wonkavite - don't upload your script, save it to Dropbox in the public folder and use that link when submitting... then whenever you have a new version just replace the one in the Dropbox folder using exactly the same file name...

Voila!

That must be worth another read ;-)

Ah-ha. Very useful, thanks.

Definitely worth another read! (But I would have anyway)

Anthony

Good character introduction in depicting Angie as someone who’s evidently checked out of life, well beyond the point of caring. However, I got the impression she had been this way for sometime as her state suggested long term neglect but having read on I‘m thinking we’re meeting her fairly soon after she’s found out about her husband’s infidelity. If so, that's one hell of a degradation!

Effectively disturbing visual of her filling the dead dog with mementos. Having read on I see it functions well on a symbolic level too. As in the dead dog represents Barry's transgression which now (literally) contains the possessions of his and Angie's erstwhile relationship...all in one massacred, bloody mess.

Using the golf bag specifically in which to stuff the dog might have a grizzly significance yet to be revealed. We all know how that game in particular can come between spouses, especially those of the more senior demographic. ;)

Thinking back to your opening description of the well kept workshop now blighted by the maddened Angie reinforces that anticipation of Mariticide.

ANGIE
Don’t worry, I’m sure your precious
Brian will be home soon.

- Methinks not…

I don’t know if you need the picture of Angie and Brian on the bedside table. Firstly we’ll join the dots that Brian is Angie’s husband/loved one without the need to explicitly show it like that. Also, would Brian or Roxy have allowed it to photo bomb their intimate selfie like that? ;)

Plus, in 2015, developed photographs are almost a novelty, a relic of the past. How about the image is on Angie’s phone? She could’ve easily sent it to herself after discovering it on Brian’s phone or whatever.

Ok, so Brian hasn’t been killed yet has he? Is that what we’re led to believe? Angie is working her way through those around her (mother in Law, dog, lover) before he gets home? Given that the dog belongs to Roxy are we assume that Angie has already disposed of Roxy herself?

Nothing very original here, betrayed wife snaps and goes on a murderous spree, pretty standard stuff. Since its only 4 pages (although you could easily make it 3 if you were ruthless with the prose) there’s not much opportunity for it to develop a voice or distinguish it from the many others.

However, as I noted above, I did like the opening scene of Angie stuffing the dog with the trinkets, that’s an arresting image right there. Something tells me this is what provided the seed for the piece and you were compelled to write something around it.

Col.

Hey Col thanks for the read and notes, insightful as always... particularly where the inspiration came from ;-)

I think you read the shorter version, so there's a new one up that addresses some of your comments.

To respond to a couple of your thoughts

1) The photo bomb is to show that not only is Brian  cheating scumbag, but he's done the deed in the marital bed , kinda with Angie watching.
2) Printed photo, yep see where you are coming from, but it's Brian who's printed them and he's in his 50's... one to ponder on.

Glad you liked the arresting image, that certainly seems quite polarising ;-)

Anthony