Night Sweat by Justin Swartz - Short, Suspense - A young woman has nightmares about her own murder and must learn how to prevent it on a hot summer night. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)


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Hey Justin,

I found the premise interesting, but had some problems with this one...

The writing. I don't mind the one or two word sentences, but a lot of it didn't read well to me. In a previous post, someone mentioned caveman-ish.

Also, every paragraph starts with WOMAN or ATTACKER. You may want to mix things up a bit. Not just with that in particular, but the writing itself is very repetitive. I know the story has repetition in it, but if feels like you just copied and pasted whatever you had in the first paragraph each time she wakes up from her "nightmare" or "premonition". It did feel a tad lazy. I would try to reword things each time she wakes up.

As for story... her reactions were kind of dull each time she woke up. Wouldn't she be suspicious of what is going on? Or confused? Or amazed even? Maybe something else needs to happen that happens each time... maybe she opens the medicine cabinet and each time, the bottle of Tylenol falls out and drops to the floor, spilling Tylenol all over the place. Maybe the final time, before she turns the tables on ATTACKER, she catches the Tylenol bottle. Or something like that.

One thing that confused me was the change in time on her alarm clock each time she woke up. Why an hour later each time? Didn't get it, maybe it went over my head.

And then the reveal... could have been so much stronger in my opinion. First off, and this goes back to the writing, when she unmasks her ATTACKER, you mention that she recognizes him... it's the MAN who is in her bed right now. But how do we know that there is a MAN in her bed right now? You never show us a MAN sleeping in her bed, so why reference something that we couldn't see? I would just wait until the next scene, the final scene to mention that. That way the audience is like "Oh, shit, what's her attacker doing in bed with her?" And then we find out that it is her boyfriend or whoever.

But... why would her ATTACKER wear a mask? There aren't any witnesses. He's not breaking in, he's already sleeping in the same bed with the girl. He could probably just kill her in her sleep. And the payoff would have been much cooler if, before MAN can get the chance to kill her, SHE turns the tables on him, kills him and prevents her own murder. Then maybe MAN wakes up, having the same dreams that SHE was having, but she's killing him. Or something like.

And in the final scene, wouldn't she be suspicious of MAN at this point? I mean, she had the same dream about the guy a bunch of times... I think she would at least move to the couch or something.

Anyway, good luck with rewrites, bud. The idea is promising, just too many holes in logic with a few things and some weak writing... but that can easily be tweaked.

-- Michael

Read this had no problem with any of it. I think it's short and brilliant. Great job to the writer. Love to talk more about it with you....EM me I can't get your pm button to work.

Justin,

Comments are sometimes like bad dreams.  Ignore the worst--again and again.

Effective use of repetition, although I would like a bit more variance between the dreams.  This reminds me of RUN LOLA RUN, and in that story every iteration changed something.  Even GROUNDHOG DAY changed details with every new day.  In any case, this is a good one.  I am a bit confused as to why you kept changing the time.  Leave them all at 1 AM.  That part will be the constant.  

The reveal gives no reason as to why this man will try and kill her, which makes the dream sequence a bit stretched.  If he's just into killing, why wait till she gets up?  If he's a BF, then show that when she wakes up in bed.  Bad dream?  Cuddle.  In any case, nice work.  

Best
Richard

Writing-wise, this needs lots of attention.

It doesn't read well at all.  It's written very passively.  WIthout any names, it's impossible to really know orc are about anyone here - very sterile.

Concept-wise, it's interesting, but IMO, it needs more...more pages to work effectively.  It's also flawed as written, as Michael points out, and just not nearly as powerful or effective as it could be.

On Page 3, we're still in the Kitchen, yet you write, "She recognizes MAN, the same person who’s in her bed right now." - this doesn't make any sense.

The mask also doesn't make sense, nor does a line on Page 2, "Attacker takes a
knife." - as 2 passages above, he already has the knife.

It needs more thought, needs to be cleaned up, writing-wise, and then you have an interesting little shocker here.

Good luck with it.

Hi,

That was me that said about the writing being caveman-ish. The way it's worded it just doesn't read nicely.

I did write more. Can't remember everything. But basically I think the characters should be given names.

You say "we see".. No need for that.

It's too repetitive as well. Change it up a little as well as sentence construction. Mix it up.

It's a decent concept but this kind of stuff has been done before.

That was about it.

Good luck,

Glenn.

I believe what's cool about this is just the twist at the end...and I think the use or repetition is used wisely. Sure the writing is not perfect, whose is? In this type of story...it's not about building this likable protagonist..it's more about fear and mystery and then shock...maybe it's not a dream? :) I love this. I do not think all this advice about the writing is important really. I mean we write to see films made...don't we? Very easy to read for me. I'd really like to try and film this :) as a first for me if the writer will ever chime in.  

Justin,

I really like the concept. It lends itself well to a short film. However, without repeating too much what others have suggested, I would vary it up a bit each time, maybe add a twist. I liked Michael's suggestion about doing a Hitchcockian twist and ending with the man as the final dreamer. I also realise that with ten reviewers, you can have ten different suggestions for the exact same scene. Your dilemma is deciding which one really speaks to you, if any do.

I hope you continue working it. I would like to see it filmed.

Cheers.

Ian

Excited...talked to Justin on the phone today, and he's going to let me 'try' to make this ;) IF I succeed, I'll share it here :)

Night Sweat has been filmed as Night Sweats

Go Dena!!!!  8)

I like it...good job!

Well done Dena! And I see a familiar name as Creative Consultant. Congrats to Justin too, not exactly prolific on the boards, but we must always congratulate the writer who conceived the story.

I just want to add I admire you girls and guys (Dena, Pia, Kev, Rick, Brandon et al) for getting in and filming your own stuff, and the material of other writers you like. I am planning on doing the same some time in the near future just gotta get all the gear together, not to mention the know how. :)

Also, I forgot to note it but I must add I particularly liked the sound effects and music in this one - very creepy and discordant i.e., disturbing, to set the mood, and the editing with the quick flash scenes was nicely done too.

Good job all, really liked this!

Hi, Justin, I thought this was great. The no names threw me a bit, but when I thought about it, you didn't need names.

The video was great. I didn't particularly like the soundtrack I'm afraid.

Excellent job.

Much congrats!

Great job. What equipment did you use for the filming?

Thanks guys. I had a wedding videographer work on this one with me. Everyone was volunteer. This was the first one I tried to direct/produce and OMG it was supposed to be shot over one day...one day turned into two days and then I had to ask them to come back another day. Felt really bad to ask but everyone was nice about it.

I learned a lot BUT I learned 100% more working with Pia on The Curfew and on Pumpkin Nighmare 2. I have signed up to try to shoot a short scifi by January but I'm having a time getting volunteers together. It's so so so hard to shoot a short. When I first started writing I remember Pia telling me that every writer should try to shoot a short even if it's with your iPhone...just try to write one and then go shoot it. It is so so hard. And she is right...it's a great experience for every writer to try to shoot a short or two.

Thanks for posting Don. I didn't realize it was posted here until today. :)

Happy Thanksgiving to everybody too!

Quoted from TonyDionisio Great job. What equipment did you use for the filming?

It was a Canon he shot with..not sure the model. He brought some lights too that were cool but it was still too dark in the video IMO. His Dad handled the sound and mics.

I may be using this guy for the next short(in December)....I'll ask him about the equipment...sorry I don't know more specs.