Z-Mart by Charmaine Anderson - Horror, Thriller, Sci Fi - A Scientist, at a research facility, accidentally gets bitten by a Zombie while performing experimentation.  He knows that Federal Officials will have him killed in the name of “Public Safety;” he fleas from the research facility being pursued by the FBI.  He finds refuge in a nearby retail store (Similar to Walmart) called Savings-Mart.  Federal Officials barricades the store not allowing entry or exit.  A.K.A. Savings-Mart quickly evolves into Zombie infested Z-Mart. Only a few survives the Zombies and the Government conspiracy to have the killed.  74 pages - pdf, format 8)

You have a very peculiar formatting style. It seems like a lot of space is being taken up by these FADE OUT/FADE INs. And you don't really need to number each scene, nor capitalize names except for the first time. Also, you shouldn't write things you can't film. I understand you're describing, but you should write what's on screen and the reader/scene should fill in the description. I'm referring to things "LANA (Black/20s) is getting ready to leave for work - she is a cashier at Savings-Mart. She also takes care of her ailing GRANDMA (Black/70s) who is now watching television in the living room." Don't tell us she is a cashier at Savings-Mart, just tell us what she's wearing. Don't tell us that she's taking care of her grandmother, let us infer that by what's happening. Your job is to tell us what's on screen. The director isn't there to interpret how to convey that. HOWEVER, it does give your script some spice that you don't normally see, so take that as you will.

You're also being very prescriptive with your dialogue directions. Remember, actors usually have a good idea on how a scene should be done, and if not the director can tell them. Therefore, things like "(he sighs, reassuring)" just pad your script in an unnecessary way. On page 6 you have 5 lines each with an unnecessary parenthetical.

And third, a lot of people seem to agree that big blocks of text are looked down upon. A small rule of thumb is that each shot should be a different paragraph, though you can experiment with this. Break it up. Big paragraphs just make people want to skip over them.

Some people would also say not to BOLD the dialogue, but I actually like it :s

These ideas don't really affect the script and its ideas, BUT it might make it more palatable to people reading it. I mean, I don't know anyone who's excited to read a zombie script, so you gotta make sure they're as comfortable as possible.

But let's get to the actual script.

So far, I'm actually digging it. You have a lot of characters, and sometimes that's intimidating to keep track of, but I liked that you named some of them with their profession. That helps a lot.

I love when they shoot the teenager after he steals the game.

I'm going to take a break now, but there's that.

The scene number, misspell of "ZOMIE" in the very first paragraph and the peculiar listing of each scientist's race -- all on the very first page, and in the very first (more than four lines) paragraph, no less -- don't bode well.  

If you were to go back through any number of critiques I and others have posted here, you'll see a ton of similarities.  You'll see frequent mention of how quickly a reader tunes out when they see the writer didn't bother to meet certain minimal standards required of all screenplays just in regard to format.  You'll see how just as quickly we'll assume that if the writer didn't pay much attention to format, he probably didn't pay much attention to story and characters, either.  And you'll see that such things are tell-tale signs of a writer who didn't do his homework, and that we won't bother reading any further.

And most of us aren't even professional readers.  So just imagine how much more quickly a pro reader will toss the script aside and forget all about it.

Being an amateur writer isn't an excuse.  Pro readers don't care if you're new at this and haven't yet mastered basic format.  It doesn't matter if you've been writing for a week or twenty years, if you want your work to be read, if you want someone to not give up after a page or two -- if you want to be taken seriously at all -- then you need to know how to format your screenplay.  

You need to know what to write, how to write it and, just as importantly, what NOT to write and how NOT to write it.  Race, for example.  If it's not imperative to the story and has no bearing on the character's behavior, it doesn't matter what color a person is.  And if something doesn't matter, it has no business taking up space in the script.

Suffice to say GreenGecko gave you a much more charitable read than 99% of most readers would.  And mind you, this isn't intended to be a diss at you.  Writing a script is a lot of work, and I admire anyone who makes the effort to do so.  But not near as much as I admire someone who does their homework first and makes sure their script is as flawless as they're capable of making it, format and all, before they offer it up for critique.  I posted something similar on another script site just a few hours ago; if you submit something you know is flawed to someone whose job it is to not only recognize those flaws but also bring them to the surface for all to see -- a pro reader or first filter, for instance -- then you're pretty much begging for whatever negative feedback you get.  A harsh outlook, perhaps, but then thick skin is also a requirement in this biz or you won't make it very far at all.

So do yourself a favor and bone up, man.  Then come back with a new, better script and make me and the rest of that 99% sorry we ever doubted you.  And I really hope you do. :)

Good luck.  Keep writing.

- Lon