Pagan Killers by Fernando Meisenhalter - Horror - After what seems like a vampire killing that horrifies a community, a paranormal investigator sets out to find the truth unaware that the threat is closer to home than he thinks. 94 pages - pdf, format 8)

Dude. Duuuuude.

Action lines are your friend. Describe what I'm supposed to be seeing. This is a movie, I want to see things. What do these apartments look like? I don't even know how old these people are. And make them DO SOMETHING so I can figure out what type of person they are. Everyone just seems so "normal." And they talk and talk and talk and talk.

And I don't understand, are these people investigators? Because Elisa later mentions that Larry has no history of drug use and knows about the AIDS thing. Why does she need to know medical records if they're being hired to investigate someone else's murder?

The whole AIDS thing is just out of place anyway. Kurt asks "How did you meet [Toni]?" so why does Larry reply "You know I have AIDS." It makes no sense. Larry didn't meet Toni through AIDS because he specifically mentions that Toni "was one of the few friends who didn't turn his back on me," meaning he already knew Toni before he got AIDS. So why would Larry even bring up AIDS when asked how he met Toni? Does this become a really important plot point later? Cause if it doesn't, you shouldn't spend TEN pages on this story. I skipped around, Larry doesn't even come back to the story. This guy is dreaming of vampires and is the sole reason the investigators are getting into the case, but then he just disappears for the rest of the movie?

The first 28 pages are people talking in houses. First Toni's place. Then Kurt's place. Then Patrick's place. No one does anything and we spend a lot of time of people telling us information. In my head I just picture people standing around talking at the door. It's just not interesting enough to keep anyone's attention. Things have to happen! The most exciting line in the first 30 pages is "CANDY kills TONI." And it's just so flat and inexpressive. Does she rip his fucking throat out? Does she DIVE her FANGS into his neck? I don't know!

Also, your formatting is way off. I recommend using a free service like WriterDuet, which will automatically and correctly format everything. Right now it just looks weird and takes up too much space. Congrats on finishing a feature, but you need practice and focus.