Trunk of Death by Benjamin Tucker - Short, Comedy, Horror - A quirky, 4-page short about a timid serial killer who fails to grasp the meaning of sarcasm. - pdf, format 8)


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Greg (of 710 Main Films) writes, "710 Main Films produced the film in February. This film has been selected to be shown at the Behemoth Film Festival in Saratoga Springs, NY on April 15th."

Trunk of Death Short Flm from 710 Main Films on Vimeo.

Benjamin,

Comments are not life threatening. Read at your own risk.

Good work. This one reads just fine for me. Some of the dialogue could be cleaner, but you can get that done easily. In any case fun read.

Best
Richard

Appreciate you checking it out, Richard! And your feedback!


Ps let me know if you have a short you like some feedback on :)

When I opened the script, I first thought I knew exactly where this was going and that the 4 pages will focus on one kill that would be the gag.

Instead I found the execution to be very well done, bringing something new to the table and that the logline didn't give everything away as I had first thought. I was looking forward to what the punch of it all would be after it was clear it was going to be more than that -- and for me, it delivered.

Great dark comedy, well timed, didn't drag enough to be dull and didn't rush it either. Good luck getting this picked up, I'd watch it.

Interesting,

I'd change the name Gary to something different other than G to not conflict with the name Guy. Good cut a page out and still be on target. Nice job.

Tony

Hey Benjamin,

This was pretty decent... quick and to the point. The writing overall was pretty good, though there are things that can be sharpened up... it stands out more because it's only four pages.

Quoted Text INT. HALL - NEAR ELEVATOR - DAY Guy tugs and pulls the trunk, inching his way toward the elevator. But when only feet away from his goal, A different apartment door swings open, #315, and GARY, 20s, steps out into the hallway.

I would write it like this...

Just before reaching his goal --

Apartment #315 swings open. GARY (20s) steps out into the hallway.

No need to say "different" apartment. The room number tells us its different.

Quoted Text GARY Need some help? GUY Um. Nah. Gary ignores Guy’s answer and grabs one of the handles on the trunk anyway. And lifts.

Should be...

GARY
Need some help?

GUY
Um --

Gary grabs one of the trunk handles. And lifts.

To have the same comedic effect, just have Gary interrupt Guy, grabs the trunk handle before Guy even finishes. No need to write "Gary ignores Guy's answer" when it's being conveyed visually. Also, an earlier comment mentioned the Gary/Guy thing... might be best to change Gary's name to something without a G and a Y in it... had to strain my eyes to see who was doing what.

Quoted Text GUY (CONT’D) Umm. Okay then. So the two begin waddling the trunk the rest of the way to the elevator, when... GARY Geez. Whatcha got crammed in this thing, anyway? (sarcastically) A dead body? Guy’s eyes narrow to a slit with murderous rage. Gary’s eyes widen: ‘oh, shit!’

I would write...

GUY
Um. Okay, then.

As they waddle the trunk to the elevator --

GARY
Geez. Whatcha got crammed in this thing anyway? A dead body?

Guy narrows his eyes suspiciously at Gary.

We kinda figure he's being sarcastic with the dead body comment, no need to say (sarcastic).

And there are only two people in the scene, so there's no need to say "So the two waddle..." You can just say "They waddle"... And rather than say "begin to waddle the trunk the rest of the way to the elevator" you can just say "As they waddle the trunk to the elevator --". We know they're on their way to the elevator, no need to say "rest of the way".

The dialogue was good on the most part in terms of believability. The story felt more like a brief comedy sketch. Not sure if the payoff was completely believable, but if anyone is going to lack the ability to understand sarcasm, I suppose it would be a serial killer.

I did like that he takes Gary's comment seriously and (I suppose) kills Gary, and then needs help carrying his body.

Overall, not bad. Shouldn't be a difficult script to film, either. Nice work.

-- Michael

thanks for all the input, guys! I really appreciate it :)  I will definitely be implementing your notes.  If you have a short you'd like me to check out, please let me know.  

This was definitely a quirky screenplay, indeed, Benjamin. Very well done. Had me laughing throughout. Great job.

A very enjoyable read - well executed.

Greg (of 710 Main Films) writes, "710 Main Films produced the film in February. This film has been selected to be shown at the Behemoth Film Festival in Saratoga Springs, NY on April 15th."

Trunk of Death Short Flm from 710 Main Films on Vimeo.

Benjamin,

What a cool little film! Hope it does well at the festival. Congrats!

Steve

Fingers crossed - best of luck

greg totally deserves all the credit. awesome job, gerg! good luck at the festival.

Cool film! And congrats on getting it produced. The ending made me laugh pretty hard, so well done. :)

~Zack~