Wrong by Kim Britt - Short, Drama - Dysfunctional siblings face their personal demons as they trek across several states to attend the funeral of their abusive father. 33 pages - pdf, format 8)

Just wanted to include an adult content warning. This script isn't for everyone.

Quoted from screen_dreamer Just wanted to include an adult content warning. This script isn't for everyone.

Howdy Kim,

And you would be correct.   In my worldly travels, I've come to realize... a lot of society, and most movie critics are prude.   Fortunately I'm cut from a different cloth.

As the police official said in Casablanca.  I'm shocked.  Shocked. That this type of writing would follow such a gentle title. Smile.  So let's see what the next pages bring...  It's intriguing what you've done here, but also dark and sordidly.  However, dark, sordidly can be good.

As I was reading this -- I'm thinking, why not try for a low budget feature with this? then we get to the ending.  And now I'm thinking -- okay, maybe not.  Did you ever consider this?

I wasn't crazy about Sloan's death, but I understand why you went down that road.   She didn't strike me as being suicidal, but after what they've been through, then Kelby rejected her, you can say it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  This was also kind of like a twisted love story,  in a sense.   It was hard for me to root for Kelby.  In hindsight, I think Sloan was way more level headed than Kelby. I tend to believe her words... more than his.   Maybe he should have slept on the floor instead.   As far as I'm concerned, he might as well have pulled the trigger himself.

Nice touch showing the burns.   Equally, the two bullets -- nice touch.

Make sure you keep that  V.O.  in here.  I'm still thinking about a low budget feature here.

The ending.  I'm not sure if you wanted that to come as a twist. But having said that, the gunplay by Sloan, the two bullets, her demise, the Taxi driver towards the end.  Not saying you telegraphed it like a Western Union message. but... regardless... the ending was very good, I don't think it matters here, I believe it's effective either way.  JMHO.

Overall, I liked this.  Read very well -- nice, fast, pretty much clean -- the action/description was sharp and smooth.  My brain did not trip up at all. Clearly, even in there father's death... in some weird way,  his hands reached out from the grave and finished the job.

A sad story indeed.  I try not to read too much into shorts, they are what they are.   Forgive my errors it's late...

Keep on rolling.  If you don't plan on expanding this... you might not havta change a damned thing.

Ghostie

Thanks for the feedback. It's funny you should mention expanding to a feature bc I'm working on that right now. I originally wrote it with a much different ending and went with a short bc it was easier to maintain the "twist" with fewer number of pages.

I'm glad you liked it but I'll have to work on the fact that Sloan came off as more level headed than Kelby. Can't have that.

Good to hear you're working on turning this into a feature.

Second, just to clarify things, for lack of a better word at the time... no doubt -- Kelby is more level headed than Solan.  So you're good.  There are three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth.  My train of thought was geared more towards how each perceived the relationship. And I felt hers rang more true. JMHO. But it was late...  

Anyway, good luck with this...

Ghost  

Things get a little crazier in the feature length draft and I think its easier to understand where they're both coming from and makes their characters more sympathetic. Anyway, thanks again! :)

Kim,

If comments could save lives, what a great world we would see.  Alas, take these as you find them.

This is one dark tale.  Just when you think it can't get worse it does.  It sinks lower with every page.  The writing is good, the dialogue solid.  Here are my issues.

If thy hate dad so much, why go to the funeral?  They've hidden, found a life, and they're going to risk that why?  And how did they get the call in the first place if they were hiding?  I may have misread that.  

Also, as I read this, they are not blood related.  If they know this, why is he loathe to marry her?  They love each other.  Go from there ?

This is not a redeeming story, which makes it a tough go.  But that's me.  

Best
Richard

I'm doing this in my phone so I have to be brief. They're not hiding, per se. They moved away. I should have made this clear but the Aunt (from the funeral) called him. She's known all along where they are. No one in the family knows about the abuse so they couldn't justify going into hiding.

Sloan doesn't know they're not blood related. No one knows except Kelby and his father. They were raised in the same house, as brother and sister, which is why he feels just as much shsme about his feeling for her as he does about the abuse. Much like his obsession with cleanliness, he's also obsessed with doing what he perceives to be the "right thing". And in his mind, it is wrong for them to be together.

Thanks for the feedback. Very helpful.  

Ok, I get it.  He knows, she doesn't.  So, if you're going to turn this into a feature, would you consider a reveal to Sloan somewhere along the way?  It could be a powerful,scene when he tells her she's not blood related--or she finds out some other way.

Best
Richard

The reason I don't have her find out is bc it adds to his guilt after she kills herself. They technically could have been together, but his shame or pride or whatever you want to call it keeps them apart. I think her knowing would alter the course of the story. Would she really go through with it if she knew the truth. To me, personally, suicide is an end to hope. Its what you do when you have exhausted all other possibilities and can see no chance for future happiness. In that bathroom, she realizes Kelby will never give himself to her the way she wants bc of circumstances that cannot be changed and that's simply unacceptable to her. She can't live without him. Once she's gone, he makes the same discovery about himself.

Kim

This was a very strong piece, kept me totally engaged all the way through. The writing technically was fine, no issues there so I’d prefer to focus on story/character.

A tough, uncompromising tale without being overtly depressing, as if intentionally designed to make you shake your head and cluck your tongue at humanity, everything depicted here felt like it came from a place of authenticity, an organic cause and effect offshoot from their circumstances. Of course I’m not suggesting this is semi-autobiographical or anything but rather the characterization and handling of the story felt true and genuine.

It is unapologetically bleak with one moment of reprieve I can recall (Sloan doing the “which hand” trick) but this is the world in which these characters inhabit, this is their lot. They were born into a dark place and unfortunately for them, they’ve failed to transcend it. I think at its centre you are posing the nature over nurture question and if we’re merely a victim of what we inherit from our parents/family. Can we break the cycle, alter our predestined fate.

I’m not saying you believe we can’t but it does serve as a crutch for Sloan in justifying her life choices. I had a very safe, secure and loving upbringing so I appreciate that I’m probably not in the best position to comment on this but I do feel that you can only blame your origins for so long and if you really want to succeed in life, it is possible. (I'm sure there are many an inspirational/aspirational quote out there) Yes, some have to work harder, take more beatings than others to achieve it but there are ways out. Sloan appears to accept her way of life as just the way things are, as something she must endure because of how she was brought into the world. It’s like she almost feels a duty to continue its ignoble legacy with her “like mother, like daughter” attitude. The same goes from Kelby although he is less expressive about. Being older there is weary acceptance to him, he’s gone beyond railing against it and looks to soldier quietly on instead.

This, by the way, isn’t a criticism of your characters just an observation on their outlook which greatly informs their decision making throughout the script, this self destructive inclination which hinders every leg of their journey, especially in Sloan’s case. The real question is: does it reinforce our sympathy for them or lessen it? Do we take pity on them or scream “clean your act up/sort your sh?t out/stop making excuses” etc, at them?

The intense brother/sister bond that really went to the precipice in the last act was tragic, repulsive and captivating all at once. In that if you’re invested in the story like I was you weren’t going to turn away. Having watched this long slow train wreck of a relationship gradually screech to its conclusion I wondered how far you were going to take it…and to the end of the line it went…I was reminded of similar, close brother/sister relationships in films like “Enter The Void” and to a lesser, more genial ;) degree “Shame” where the incestuous connection is more alluded to and suggested rather than actually acted upon.

But again, within your script’s milieu, their situation, the nature of their journey and the sheer amount of psychological damage their rearing had done to them, their consummation didn’t feel gratuitous or manipulatively shocking just to stoke a reaction from the reader, it was of the piece.

Anyway, overall, this was very commendable and brave piece of work. Not many scripts have grabbed me the way this did. Yes, there is potential here to expand it to a feature (a “suggestion” I love to bandy about ;)) but I think this functions perfectly fine as its written, being a completely self contained piece.  We all know the practical no man’s land a long short like this occupies in regards being suitable for production however the production values are low and it could be made quite cheaply. The only big set up I can see is in the climax at the church.

And that climax, although superbly played, is almost inevitable given the structure of the story, its the destination, the payoff at the end of this tumultuous journey. It was still affecting however and contained an unforeseen twist about the actual blood relation of Kelby and Sloan which added another dimension of significance to proceedings, the motivations, decision making, etc.

As your disclaimer states, it’s not for everyone, though unfortunately its length will probably be the primary reason why most won’t bother to check it out rather than the actual content...but to anybody looking for a well written, courageous and nuanced character study this is well worth the read.

Great job.

Col.

Thank you for the in depth analysis. Very much appreciated. It's always so incredibly rewarding when someone takes the time to understand your characters and the journey they are on.

I agree with you on the length. It did feel complete to me as it was, but I ventured out to lengthen it with the realization that its much easier to get a short feature read than a long short.

Thanks again!