Princess of Irulan by Richard Russell - Short, Sci Fi - A scruffy, little man convinces a young woman she's a princess from a distant planet. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Richard,

I enjoyed this, but I think it would work better as a comedy. It does read like a comedy for the most part: character-wise, plot-wise, tone-wise. But suddenly everything turns serious and violent. I would suggest that you think of a different, more amusing ending. Even if that wasn't your intention, it would be an easy fix and you'd have a nice sci-fi comedy in a flash.

You did a good job in portraying Carol as a suspicious, but naive at heart, young woman. Also, Scorpio's story was well-thought and rather convincing. Good writing too.

Manolis

Manolis,

Thanks for the feedback.  I'll look into an alternate ending.  Comedy is not my strongest suite, but I'll try.

Best
Richard

Code comely but not particularly hot

Comely, says it all. You can drop 'but not particularly hot' as it says pretty much the same thing.

Code The typical, drab cube of a menial worker. Setting down her purse is CAROL, 28, comely but not particularly hot. This job is as boring as you imagine.

Drop the last sentence. You've already summed her up as a menial worker.

Code Even as she slides into her chair, she spots an envelope propped against her phone.

Even? It doesn't go here. You could drop it without hurting the sentence... in fact, it would improve it drastically.

I read through the rest without pause, not sure if that's because I'm tired and not concentrating properly... but I found the story to be pretty good. The double twist works far better than just the one. The first one was predictable and maybe even a tad groan-worthy, but the second switch up rectifies it nicely. Kinda like a trick.

Nice work.