Mafioso's by Andrew Lightfoot - Short - A man named Eddie meets his roommate's family...on mushrooms. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Andrew,

Took a quick look. Here's my thoughts.

The script is littered with spelling mistakes and bad grammar. First line "A old"? Should be an old. And when the couch is talking "you stay here will me big boy"? With. There's more as well. These seem like little mistakes but they could turn people off reading and should be ironed out before posting anywhere.

No need for CONTINUEDs.

"Eddie, these are two muggers. Peter
and Ivan
(TO EDDIE)
Muggers....Eddie."
What? Why? Odd thing to do.
EDIT: I wrote this as I read. I now see why. Still sounds weird though.

"Peters faces steadily"
Peter's face steadily.

"A think flow of read liquid"
A thick flow of red liquid.

"JACKSON (O.S)
Eddie....get a cop!"
That sounds weird. Not something people say is it?

"Eddie’s open get larger with fear"
No idea what you were going for here.

No THE END. It's FADE OUT. And begin with FADE IN.

Other than the mistakes I've pointed out, there's a countless more. I'd definitely give this a clean up because some people just won't bother reading it.

The story is pretty good though. I like the way everything plays out again so innocently and shows how much this guy is tripping balls. Or was the first loop all real and then he escaped to his happy place that is all innocent and math orientated? Who knows? I enjoyed it though and think it is worth cleaning up. It'd make for a nice script.

Best of luck,

Glenn

Thanks  a lot for the read and comment, much appreciated.

The spelling is certainly a severe problem  I have. I was going to contact Don and hopefully cancel this submitting because of the horrid spelling in another short recently posted, but it was already posted, not sure how that works either. if you have to wait for it to be posted or if you can cancel mid-way through.

That one line " Eddie's open get..." would've made sense if I didn't muck it up. It's supposed to say that his eyes widen with fear.

The continued's I have had help with, now I have them disabled in the program I use.

I'll post again once the updated script is up, if anyone would read it.

The first bit with the couch, Russian muggers, and Vera emptying a jerry can all over the living room was Eddie's point of view, the second was reality. I wanted to write it so Eddie's trip had little tidbits of reality from what Jackson told him while the drug Eddie ate filled in the rest.

The math thing didn't play out as well as I'd hoped, it was supposed to be part of Eddie's trip, Jackson spoke about meth, but when the brothers were talking about math, his trip told him they were talking about meth.

I agree with the cop line...and now that I'm reading it, I think I'll change Vera's too, when she talks about the mess in the living room. Seems like I can word that better, maybe make it more sinister.

A quick question... for characters with thick accents, can their dialogue be written like " You have nice place" or should it be " You have a nice place" I want a Russian mafia broken english type dialogue for Vera and the others.

Thanks again.

Quoted from Lightfoot for characters with thick accents, can their dialogue be written like " You have nice place" or should it be " You have a nice place" I want a Russian mafia broken english type dialogue for Vera and the others.

Personally, I just write he or she speaks with a thick Russian accent... write the dialogue as normal, and leave it at that... and to the actor.  I do something like this - (VICTOR, 30s - a mass of muscle and street smarts - speaks with a thick Russian accent..)
I think it's the best option.  JMHO.   So I'd suggest you refrain from writing accented dialogue unless you are pretty familiar with said accented dialogue.  If not, the dialogue might come across as forced or fake or semi-ridiculous.

However, if you still so choose, maybe read some novels in which a Russian character speaks English.  Or scripts, I'm sure there's a few.  But a rule of thumb when it comes to writing dialect and accents into dialogue, less is more.

Your script, I won't point out the issues. I will say I found it mildly amusing at the end.   At the bottom of page 6 -- I believe, no need to reintroduce Ivan.  Get rid of that one.

Good Luck with this...

Ghost

Andrew,

If taking drugs makes comments more palatable, then load up.

This one could be good if you put some work into it.  It is loaded with errors and poor writing.  Take the time to read each sentence carefully and correct your errors.  Mistakes are for amateurs.  

I understand you're trying to show two realities--eddie's and reality.  Unfortunately, it reads as if Eddie is clairvoyant.  He manages to see pretty much what will happen.  He misinterprets, but then it replays.  Perhaps there's a better structure for what you want to do.  

Best
Richard

It's been updated, hopefully I got all the spelling and grammar issues figured out, the couch has become a slightly bigger part of the story than it was before.

After reading it just now I've realized I should put in SUPER: 5 minutes before, to make it more clear for the readers that the first bit was Eddie's trip and the second bit after the FADE IN: is reality.

Anyways I appreciate the comments you all have given.

Andrew

JACKSON (O.S)
Hey, you want a beer?

- I dunno if this was intentional but I liked hearing Jackson talk about the drugs he’s been learning about at cop school before casually offering a beer.

JACKSON
They are Russian so if my brothers
are too loud or too friendly...I
apologize. My mother will be fine.

- Why does he mention they are Russian? Wouldn’t Eddie already know this? Tt reads like it was included just to tell us, the audience. Also, why doesn’t Jackson sound Russian?

JACKSON
No, no it’s fine, sit down.

He gently shoves Eddie back down on the couch and walks
past.

- No fu?king way, after what Eddie has ingested I would be getting as far away from this living room as possible!

“think flow of read liquid”

- “think” should be “thick” and “read” should be “red”
“Straitened”

- Is that intentional misspelling to chime with “strait jacket’ which suggests madness/insanity? It would be very much keeping with the tone here.

“Eddie’s open get larger with fear, he sees the Vera now has
his back to him.”

- I can spot four typos in this line alone. Is the writing meant to mirror the disorientation and confusion Eddie is experiencing or something ;)

I could see that some of the dialogue Eddie was hearing in his frazzled state “muggers” “meth” “get a cop’ could be easily rearranged to sound normal and figured you were going that way with it. In other words, I expected a rerun of events at the end, a “what really happened” version.

I’m a big fan of mushrooms, have had great experiences on them but my heart sinks pretty much every time I see someone trying to capture a trip on screen as it usually fails miserably and doesn’t at all reflect what it’s like. I think this is because most times it’s played for laughs and silliness and while I appreciate what you are trying to do here by comparing the real events with the psychedelic version you basically boil their effects down to hearing loss and a touchy-feely couch ;)

Again, I get the joke, it just feels unoriginal and uninspired.

Col.

Thanks for the read colkurtz

This is very strange, Jackson's comment about beer I have changed, the "think flow of red liquid" and "Eddie's open get larger" I have changed or fixed. I even clicked the link to check out the one I submitted and they are all changed.

Ya I agree, mushrooms are pretty good, only tried them a couple times but I had good experiences too. Next re-write I'll try and make Eddie's trip more crazy

Quoted from Lightfoot This is very strange, Jackson's comment about beer I have changed, the "think flow of red liquid" and "Eddie's open get larger" I have changed or fixed. I even clicked the link to check out the one I submitted and they are all changed.

- Ah, yes, this is probably because I had the script on my computer for a few days before I posted my comments. Perhaps you made the changes in between then...or you indulged in some psilocybin fungus of your own and are only seeing what you want to see ;)