Bloom - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, January 30th, 2015, 6:18pm

Bloom by Jean-Pierre Chapoteau - Short, Drama - An inner city kid proves what he's made of in a rap battle. - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, January 30th, 2015, 6:57pm; Reply: 1

I'm a white middle class Brit, and I always had a thing for rap... so loved this :-)

Great visuals and dialogue throughout, my only suggestion would be for a little more setup of the Darnel and Tori relationship.i

Good job

Anthony

Posted by: Jean-Pierre Chapoteau, January 30th, 2015, 10:11pm; Reply: 2

Thanks Anthony!

Lol, I'm happy a white middle aged Brit can appreciate it, lol.

Posted by: RichardR, February 1st, 2015, 4:10pm; Reply: 3

Jean-Pierre,

If a comment makes a point and don't stink up the joint, then own it like a jewel and don't believe the fool.

I am no expert on hip-hop or rap, so I can't give you much feedback on that. But this is an enjoyable read. I think you captured the flavor of such a rap battle. Good job.

Best
Richard

Posted by: Jean-Pierre Chapoteau, February 3rd, 2015, 9:42am; Reply: 4

Thanks Richard,

I'm glad a person that's not a fan of Hip Hop cold enjoy it. That's what really matters.

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), February 3rd, 2015, 12:15pm; Reply: 5

I am a fan of Hip Hop and I liked it. I like the way you write, you have a natural flow. Storywise, this probably wouldn't win many prizes, but the way it was told is something special.

Nice work.

Posted by: Jean-Pierre Chapoteau, February 3rd, 2015, 12:22pm; Reply: 6

Thanks Dustin. I appreciate your comments, man.

Posted by: khamanna, February 3rd, 2015, 1:32pm; Reply: 7

Hey, JeanPierre. I loved everything about it. Great story and really well written. I loved the rap. Hey I know. You should rap!! No seriously...

Posted by: DebbieM, February 11th, 2015, 6:53pm; Reply: 8

Nice. This was really cool.
The dialogue was sharp and the rap was awesome. Great short!

Debz

Posted by: MarkRenshaw, February 13th, 2015, 5:04am; Reply: 9

Jean-Pierre

That was great, what a very pleasant surprise. I too am a white boy from the semi-undangerous streets of the UK and yet you took me into that world and made me believe it. Love the rapping, loved the surprise twist and a great line at the end to finish it off.

Brilliant!

-Mark

Posted by: Ectoplasm, February 18th, 2015, 10:31pm; Reply: 10

Loved it, Jean. Found a minor typo on page 4 where it reads "Jeff face screams", but aside from that I struggle to offer any criticism. Fast and funny read with some well written raps to boot. Really liked how the last line tied in as well, good work.

Posted by: Jean-Pierre Chapoteau, February 26th, 2015, 2:41am; Reply: 11

Wow, I really appreciate the comments guys. Will definitely check out that typo, Ecto.

I'm happy I successfully took you guys into a word you're not familiar with. Believe it or not, I actually edited down a ton of slang so the readers wouldn't get too lost, lol. I'm glad you guys were able to follow it.

Posted by: Colkurtz8, March 3rd, 2015, 9:09am; Reply: 12

Jean

This was great, no issues really both in story and execution. Technically it was solid.

The raps were sharp and funny, a tricky thing to take on but you pulled it off. Its obviously something you were confident about.

I was wondering too why he would've hung himself out to dry like that with the, shall we say, "pointed" tone of his raps...and embrace the inevitable beat-down. I also questioned why Jeff hadn't called him on it when reading over his page before entering the house but the last scene explains why and the closing line in particular was a great tie in.

Col.