Hi Jon. First congratulations on writing a feature. That in itself is a challenge. As I read, I noted that there were several script writing rules that you need to pay attention to. Here are some examples:
Quoted Text What can be heard and occasionally seen in the crazy footage is Emcee cracking jokes in front of his fraternity brothers. Everyone appears to be enjoying the routine with good cheer and occasional laughter.
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Don't describe the scene in this manner (i.e., cracking jokes, everyone appears to be enjoying, etc.) . A Director wouldn't know what to do with it. You should be limited to either dialogue or specific action by someone or something. The dialogue and action that follows (i.e., starting with the EMCEE talking) either does the trick or it doesn't. I happened to think it does so you could just delete the above and go right into where the EMCEE starts his jokes.
Quoted Text The crowd goes nuts. |
Again, what does this mean? Do they applaud - laugh - hoot and holler?
Quoted Text The camera quickly wheels around and the image freezes on a smirking Reaganesque-looking man. |
Assuming this is Ligget, introduce him here. e.g.,
....the image freezes on GORDON LIGGETT (58), black hair with grey streaks....
Quoted Text The frozen image goes split-screen with RACHEL MADDOW (or a reasonable facsimile). Maddow (or facsimile) is clearly savoring the moment. After a pause for effect... |
Again, what does "clearly savoring the moment" look like?
You need to describe what that is. For example,
MADDOW rubs her palms together.
MADDOW
This is simply delicious.
Quoted Text RACHEL MADDOW Yes folks, that’s right. The smirking man in the room full of jocular elitist woman bashers is none other than presumptive Republican nominee, Gordon Liggett. But before I delve into the oh-so juicy ramifications of that, I would just like to take the opportunity to welcome Ed into the fold. Ed, I know this must be a confusing time for you, but understand that you are not alone. And there’s a support group to guide you through your transformation. We meet on Tuesdays and contrary to popular belief, we appreciate it if you shave your legs. We’ll be right back
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I got lost in the dialogue when it came to Ed. If she is talking to him, where is he in the scene?
Quoted Text GORDON LIGGETT’S VOICE Turn that crap off.
We zoom out into a war-room. |
Describe what the war room is rather than just calling it a war room. Also - whenever possible, stay away from camera directions (i.e., ZOOM). That's the Director's job. If you Google "camera directions in a screenplay" you will find out it is frowned upon.
Quoted Text By the looks of the people in it, the war is not going well. |
Again, you job is to describe this. What does "the war is not going well" look like? For example,
MAN 1 has his face buried in his hands.
MAN 2 says "we all need to be looking for jobs."
Or whatever. Long winded way of saying you need to write something that tells the reader that the war is not going well - not just telling them that the war is not going well. e.g.,
Don't write something like "Dave is sad"
Write something like "a tear trickles down Dave's face OR Dave says "this is the worst day of my life.
Quoted Text GORDON LIGGETT (58) is furious. His son, college-age BRADLEY (BRAD) LIGGETT, is shocked by his father’s swearing. |
Same point. What is Gordon specifically doing (e.g., slamming the table) or saying (e.g., you all fucked up!) to let us know he is furious. What is Brad doing (raises his eyebrows) or saying (e.g., Dad, you don't swear) that lets us know he is shocked.
Go through the script and look for all the instances where you may have described something in a Novel fashion rather than a script fashion and replace what you told us what someone was feeling with specific actions or dialogue that would allows us to conclude what they are feeling.
Minor note: Give Brad and age (20s) rather than "college age"
Quoted Text BENJAMIN (BEN) FREEDMAN (52) chimes in. Ben is Gordon’s fixer. Ben is a short heavy-set slouching hardscrabble quickthinking fast-talking disheveled perpetual motion machine who couldn’t be more different in appearance and manner than the patrician Protestant he manages.
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Again, you are writing in Novel style rather than script style. There is not going to be a SUPER on the screen telling the audience that Ben is Gordon's fixer. You need to have action or dialogue that shows that. e.g.,
LIGGET
Damn it, Ben. You're supposed to be my fixer.
All you can really write about Ben in script style is something akin to:
BEN (AGE), short, heavy, wears a wrinkled, over sized suit.
i.e., you can't tell us he is fast talking. You need to demonstrate that in his dialogue.
Jon: someone sent me this link fairly soon after I joined this site:
http://la-screenwriter.com/2012/08/02/50-dead-giveaways-that-youre-an-amateur-writer/It was very helpful to me - you should check it out.
The bad news is that you violate many screen writing conventions. That needs to be fixed if you want folks in the industry to consider your script (s). There are two points of good news.
1. You can fix the bad news relatively easy - just takes some practice.
2. You write very clever dialogue, develop compelling characters and tell a good story. That is the hardest part of screen-writing. Fix number 1 and you are on your way.
Hope this helps.